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Old 09-01-2011, 01:20 PM
bcguy bcguy is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: British Columbia interior
Posts: 2
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Hi fellow Poly's
I am 50, male, straight and married (20 years). My wife and I recently decided to give each other permission to have outside relationships. I think we've both been interested in this at times, though we have never "cheated" and never been with anyone else in any kind of intimate or sexual way since we were married. My wife suggested that we try this and I have to admit it stirred some desires within me for a couple of women friends that I know, who may be available (not married/attached at the moment). Part of the reason for this is that due to my work situation, my wife and I have to spend significant time apart (up to weeks at a time) and we both get lonely during these times. There are other reasons but this is the most practical one. I look forward to sharing more on this site. I have already found out you can't just tell anyone you are poly or thinking of going that way - some people just find this lifestyle unacceptable or a poor substitute for divorce in the case of married couples. I for one do not want someone else's beliefs imposed on me but I am interested in other's experiencees and wisdom, which is why I am here. Thank you for reading.
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Old 09-01-2011, 02:17 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478

Hi, bc,

Polyamory is different in theory than in practice.

We opened our marriage when I fell in love with another man. Poly was the best alternative for us, the other options being stop loving my boyfriend or get a divorce.

We agreed that this opened the door for my husband to explore new relationships as well. IN THEORY this seemed like a good idea, fair, etc.

In reality, when he did find a girl and they started a relationship about a month ago, I was crushed. It's still new to me, my emotions are all over the place, some days I feel like I'm going crazy with jealousy and fear and grief and remorse.

I fell in love, and THEN we made a poly agreement.... but my husband's progression happened in the opposite order (well, he hasn't "fallen in love" with her -- but she has, with him, and I wonder if it's only a matter of time before he falls for her, too). I wasn't looking; but after we made our agreement, my husband was. My husband, who never so much as LOOKED at another woman in our entire 12 years of marriage. I thought I'd be ok with it. Maybe I will be, in time, but at the beginning, it is terribly rough (it was rough on my husband too -- I'm just now experiencing the other side).

Poly is not easy. If you've got a good solid marriage to begin with, it's better, but it will still rock the hell out of it. As compared to monogamy, the highs are much higher, but the lows are equally lower. If you love roller coasters, welcome aboard! But for me, there have been LOTS of times where I've thought, "STOP THE RIDE, I WANT TO GET OFF!" and well, once you're in motion, it is just not that simple. Glad you're here. Look before you leap!
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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Old 09-01-2011, 02:42 PM
bcguy bcguy is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: British Columbia interior
Posts: 2
Default theory versus practice

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts Carma. I do agree with the theory...but you are right in that our emotions sometimes could care less about some theory! I am proceeding with caution and think that my wife will too. We are being upfront with others that we are keeping our relationship primary. For me to get intimate with someone else is going to require that the person understand and accept that I am not intending to get divorced - so if they are looking for a mono partner, that isn't going to be me. And we can only see other relatively infrequently.

It seems like in your situation trying the poly route was done to accomodate your situation without the unpleasantness of a divorce (or legal separation) but you weren't prepared to have the tables turned on you so to speak. Over dinner the other night, my wife and I admitted we were not repulsed by the idea of the other being with someone else - but we have yet to test this out yet so we shall see! If it gets too intense we will have to talk. I get what you are saying about the highs being higher and the lows being lower. This thing I read about NRE - it is something that I seem to be longing for - I can still remember the excitement and energy of a new love. But the question will be how will this affect the existing one?
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