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Old 08-31-2011, 02:12 PM
chandelierlake chandelierlake is offline
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Default NRE, sex, and jealousy

Hey there!

So, my partner and I decided to become polyamorous about a year ago. Up until now, it's only involved us making out with mutual friends...nothing too serious. Within the past few weeks, though, my girlfriend has met someone and they've become pretty close. They're going on dates, and it's moving pretty quickly. It's kind of been sprung on me unexpectedly, and I'm doing my best to handle it, but occasionally I will just fall off the deep end. I've done it once or twice in front of my girlfriend and I really hurt her feelings, so I've been trying to take care of my issues on my own or at least with a friend.

So, here's the situation that is bothering me the most. My girlfriend has been in somewhat of a "funk" for quite a while, and we've put sex on hold. I've been fine with that - I obviously don't want to do anything with her unless she totally wants to do it as well. I've got plenty of practical knowledge and logically, I know how I should be thinking about this situation. Despite that, I can't help but feel incredibly threatened by their new relationship energy. My partner came home from a date late last night and was so excited. She told me that they had been somewhat physical - just shy of actually having sex. I was dropping her off when she told me, so I said I was really happy for her and asked a few more questions about their evening. When she got out of the car, though, I totally lost it. I had to pull over I was crying so hard. It's not that I care that they are doing those things together, it's that we AREN'T doing them. I suggested that we go on a date tomorrow night, and we make it a weekly occurence. Just to check in, reconnect, etc.

I guess, in sum, that I am having trouble separating the intense excitement of their new, month-long relationship from the stablility of our three-year relationship. I am assigning more value to that honeymoon period that we haven't been in in almost two years than I am to all the things we've built together. It's just really hard when we're not being physically intimate. My biggest fear is that they will start having sex and not tell me, or even that they will tell me but we won't have sex still.

I don't know what my question is, per se. I was mostly wondering if anyone had experienced anything similar, and if so, if you have any suggestions? We communicate really well, so any ideas would be incredibly welcome. Thanks for reading my novel, haha.
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:45 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Okay first: I don't have any advice for you. I have no idea what to do in my own life, let alone in yours!

But I can tell you two things:

It seems a bit unfair to me if she's rubbing all this exciting sexual stuff she's doing with another guy in your face when she doesn't seem to want to do it with you. I don't want to be like "Mrs. Chandelier, YR DOIN IT RONG," but... I can see how that would be hurtful. I may have reacted with similar grief. Don't feel like you're crazy.

I hope that date nights will set things back on track. I want to make sure she is being considerate of your feelings here.

I can offer you some words of hope, though. I will have to say that starting things with a new partner sort of ramped up my libido in general, and I ended up stepping up sex with my husband also as a result of having this new romantic adventure. Maybe--just maybe--this might happen to you. You never know.

What does she say about her "funk"? Does she say it's fading because of all this new sexual excitement? Or is she just in a funk around you, but not the new fellow?
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Old 08-31-2011, 05:58 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think that if things continue this way it would be fair to ask her to slow down with the new guy and put more proactive energy into your relationship for a little while. I know this whole situation wasn't intentional, but it was frankly a bad idea on her part to start somehing new while things were rocky with you. Sex is a huge part of bonding and loving! She must realize what an emotionally difficult position she's putting you in.

Obviously you don't want to coerce her into bed with you by holding her affections for the new guy hostage, but there's a fine line here... fixing things in your relationship will make the situation smoother and easier for everyone involved. If he's a decent guy, I'm sure he doesn't want to be a cause of strife between you two.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 08-31-2011, 10:16 PM
schtuff schtuff is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20

on your side persuasion...
i have been through what you are going through, its not easy. it feels like things are falling apart, and heartbreak, like a partner is being pulled away.

just a devils advocate kind of persuasion....
nre is powerful, and typically its not intentional. even if you ask her to examine her behavior, she will likely not realize how those actions lead by her heart, could affect you like that. because only she knows the depth of her feelings for you.

voice of reason persuasion.
after being through this a few times. sometimes us partners need a boost, in our understanding of just how we are felt about. as time goes on, as i have recently discovered, physical attraction decreases, while love continues to grow. chemistry can also give nre a kick in the butt. it can also have an nre like effect on long term relationships, however the chemistry does not always work both ways. so while i am in almost constant nre after 18 years, my ms. is not. she is still attracted to me, just not as powerfully as i am to her. however the important part is the love that we share, that grows every day, that binds us together with a closeness that cant really be described.

i have found in the past, coping with this kind of feeling is lessened when i am in a relationship as well. because the tug of a new relationship, helps counter the pull of a partners new relationship.

try not to assign blame when talking, this has its own pit falls. when you talk, reach for understanding, and try to understand the feelings she is having both for you, or the new interest. once you understand better, it may help you communicate your feelings better and communicate them in a way that helps you both grow through this.

its not just a newbie thing, and i hope everything goes well.
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Old 08-31-2011, 10:53 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Well, I can tell you that if this were me I would ask for some firm boundaries on NOT having sex until you two have figured out what is going on that sex is on hold.

Sex comes and goes it seems. Sometimes in a long term commitment there is little and sometimes there is a lot! I have been married 10 years this summer and have noticed this over a good deal of time. You two however are only two years together and the sex has ended! That is not very long to be in that ebb and flow I don't think. People are different though.

I see this situation as a big red flag actually... I am wondering how much of her movement towards poly and consequently this new partner is to do with her being poly and how much of it is to do with needing an out of the relationship she is in with you. Sometimes partners become friends and there is no real reason to break up other than it just isn't a romantic relationship any more... something to think about anyway....

The date night idea is a really good one! Easing back into sex might be all it takes over the course of reconnecting. I think I would ask that she has a bi-monthly date with this other person or even monthly for a few months or more until the two of you have figured out what is going on between you both.
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Old 09-01-2011, 10:11 AM
Allstar Allstar is offline
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Posts: 67

I have always been mono when it comes to sex in a relationship, if it isn't happening at all at this point you need to ask questions. It might be the NRE with her partner is leaving nothing for you. Also it could be that she is trying to end things like RP said. Also Also, you might want to ask what her preference is about multiple guys in the same day. I know my gf doesn't want to sleep with both guys in the same day. So if the OSO is getting it that day it is not going to happen for me . Talk with her and figure things out. There are so many things it could be. My ex and I fell out of sync after 16 months together, by the 20 month we were over. I asked and asked she just said that she wasn't horny, I knew our connection was over.
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Old 09-01-2011, 12:33 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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We've gone thru different phases in our past 10months of poly. At first our married sex life was vamped up by my having sex with my bf. Then my husband got upset, and we went about 2 months where he said, "as long as you're having sex with him, I can't have sex with you." That worked for a short while, but eventually it actually made me incredibly horny for my husband! He suddenly became the "forbidden fruit," and I was wild with desire for him. He finally gave in .

Was your sex life going well before the bf came along? I mean, not just for you, but for her as well -- have you asked her? Maybe there are some different techniques you could try. At this point, respecting her funk and not pushing her for sex is a loving thing to do, but you can still be physically affectionate, and maybe she will warm to your gentle touch. I think a lot of guys forget that women are different, that our sexual needs are not the same.

It sounds like you have a lot of love in your relationship, so hopefully you can communicate your way through some of the sex issues. It's weird when you're married and you get so close, the intimacy can get like brother and sister, best friend love, instead of the erotic, sexy love. You can have both, it just goes thru phases, I think. But you are a sexual male and you are married -- you should not have to go without sexual intimacy for too much longer. IMO, patience is one thing, but celibacy in marriage is not really fair to you, if you still feel the desire. Especially after only 3 years of marriage, but even the longest-standing marriages can get the fire back, as long as there's still a spark...

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