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  #11  
Old 08-30-2011, 03:42 PM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
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As I said, I think you are doing wonderfully well. You seem very level-headed and you are aware of your needs.

I understand your need for reassurance. It's very natural, especially when we've been programmed that we should be mono by society when not all of us are. I hope that you'll continue to ask for reassurance when you need it. I try to be very aware of my husband's need for reassurance and give it to him before he gets the point that he's desperate for it.

I believe you said that your wife is planning to join the board. I hope she'll read this thread. And that she'll understand how proud of you should ought to be.

And start opening your mind toward dating someone yourself. It's not retribution, it's what being poly is all about. I'd also recommend the book Opening Up: a Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. It's about more than poly, but it has good sections *about* poly.

Hang in there and keep up the good work.

JG
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  #12  
Old 08-30-2011, 07:57 PM
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Welcome, Oxygen. I'm glad you're here and that you appreciate your hubby and all he does for you. And I'm glad things are going well for you.

JG
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  #13  
Old 08-31-2011, 06:53 AM
ispolyforme ispolyforme is offline
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Oxygen, I will always grow with you. All you have to do is hold out your hand and be patient with me. I love you from earth to sky, from beginning to end.

Last edited by ispolyforme; 08-31-2011 at 06:53 AM. Reason: misspelling caused miscommunication
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  #14  
Old 09-01-2011, 05:26 AM
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I actually suggest you don't go out and find yourself a partner...

I wrote about this elsewhere today...

Quote:
I don't generally think its the best way to "sort out emotions" by going on dates and adding more partners. In my experience it fails. Why? Well, because as much as the person THINKS they are being up front and proactive with the reasons behind going, ie. to try it out and see; sometimes it ends in a flopped date and more resentment, sometimes it ends in leaving the primary for the date, sometimes it can bring up even MORE emotions because the person realizes what their partner has been getting up to and freaks out etc. Really, walking through jealousy, giving the whole thing time until there is some normalcy and settling into a routine and understanding, is a better way to start dating another person within a relationship dynamic. Pacing and time management, patience and giving ones partner space to do their thing without us is so important to a solid foundation.... I haven't run across many who build a solid foundation out of dating to get over their emotions. It seems to create more drama and more of a rickety foundation... still, this isn't always and you might break the mould on it... who knows. Good luck.
Food for thought anyway.

Have a good look around here and see what you can find that will educate. Do a search in the tags to see if there are any that you find interesting... and stick around. There is always someone that comes along to relate to.
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  #15  
Old 09-01-2011, 05:40 AM
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Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting that the OP run out and find someone to date right now. I just think it's good for folks to explore and know themselves better. If you never ponder whether you might have an x or y orientation (could be anything, but here we're talking poly or mono), you'll never know....
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  #16  
Old 09-01-2011, 05:43 AM
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I was responding to something Dinged said that poly people seem to suggest that. Maybe they do, maybe they don't.... I don't is all
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  #17  
Old 09-01-2011, 05:55 AM
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Ok... I was booted and my response evaporated into the ether. With a bit of frustration and a WHOLE LOT of luck, I recovered my response. I wanted to make sure people knew that I'm here and that I care.

Re-post:

Hello- Iím Mrs. IPFM. I want to second my hubby in voicing appreciation for the existence of this forum as a resource, particularly for him. I guess I sort of got to a point where I assumed there was no way Iím the only person around who feels the way I do, but it was much harder for him to find a sense of connection with the lifestyle choices we (I) have been making. It has really helped to feel a sense of comfort in knowing that there are lots of people struggling with the same things we are working through on an ongoing basis, and makes both of us feel a lot more comfortable in engaging in productive conversations about what is happening in our lives.

I also want to express my gratitude and incredibly deep appreciation of IPFM for taking on this journey with me. I know that he felt his hands were somewhat tied by his love for me- he knows what a stubborn ass I can be once Iíve made up my mind about something, and he knows he doesnít want to live without me, so I get that telling him he doesnít HAVE TO engage is not 100% true in his mind. I feel continual guilt (particularly every time he struggles with jealousy, frustration, emotional upheaval) for bringing him so far out of his comfort zone on this and canít believe how fortunate I am to be with someone who truly truly wants to facilitate my ability to be me, even when it is painful for him.

I appreciate the encouragement for him to consider finding someone else in his life- I think one of the hardest things for him is that he feels like he has no one besides me with whom to talk about his feelings and about whatís going on, and that can clearly be loaded when heís feeling upset or uncomfortable and my choices are the root cause. (So, again, hooray for this forum and the opportunity to get some additional support or have ears to listen!) I have encouraged him to seek connection outside of our marriage as well, and while everything I know of him makes it hard to imagine him being anything but mono I want to make sure he doesnít feel like I have a double standard and want something that I wouldnít willingly provide for him should he decide he does want it.

Just for clarification- last night was not the first night W and I had together (with IPFMís blessings). My adorable, wonderful, loving and hilariously analytical husband spent hours last week constructing an elaborate excel spreadsheet that categorized every hour of every day in terms of who gets to spend time with whom, whether itís alone time, group time, whether kids are around and awake, etc. in order to make things as equitable as possible in the creation of a schedule, which he then proceeded to do based on weighing all of the available data. So last night was the first officially scheduled night we had within that context.
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  #18  
Old 09-01-2011, 05:59 AM
ispolyforme ispolyforme is offline
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I really appreciate the discourse. The bottom line is that, for me, adding more complexity would muddy the waters and make it harder for me to tell which way was up with regard to my emotions. This may or may not happen at a later date, but now is not the time.
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  #19  
Old 09-01-2011, 06:01 AM
ispolyforme ispolyforme is offline
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Also, on a related note Oxygen got auto-banned and her posts were deleted. I really appreciate what she said so far, and regret that others can no longer read it because it could paint her in a less than positive light that it appears she hasn't yet responded.
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