Less interested in sex with SO; does this happen often during strong NRE for another?

[dingedheart]

Wow this is so funny ( in such a unfunny way) .....one of my first post upon finding this site was about this exact topic .....guess what everyone said. It's in your head , it the nre ... Sorry youre suffering ..etc. I asked do you women go on dates .. Have.sex out of obligation ...no .nobody would do that....thats just silly.

I could sense that she was thinking about her other partner ...I could sense that her heart wasn't in it ...trying to fake it. I very much noticed I was the one who had to make the first move. This really killed all desire on my part...don't do me any favor's please. I shortly stop trying and she most likely was relieved .....no more faking it.......I wonder what she thinks now?
That seems so incongruent from what is preached. Honesty...brutal honesty..communication.... More love ...expansion of love ...really?...this seems so unloving.

Any of the other common complaint you'd like to come clean on .... I feel like I'm in a stall in the ladies room by accident and just learn a few secrets .

[nycindie]

Oh geez, DH, why so nasty? Everyone's situations are different. Answers are based on the vibe we get from someone who's posting. The OP wants to know if there's something wrong with feeling a little less desire to initiate sex with her husband and we said, "no, of course not." Then we started joking around about fantasizing and you say we're not conforming to poly "preachings." What is unloving? The OP wanted some reassurance that she's okay. Lighten up, wouldja?

[dingedheart]

Now I'm confused ....who was joking...

And for the record I did use a smilie :

And I wasn't trying to be nasty but it did take me back to that time and those events....I did mention my observations to my wife and to this board .....didn't get these answers from either. So.... I'm sorry about my tone I just feel very lied to. Don't you sleep it 4 am where you are.

[nycindie]

Okay, was just kind of poking at you. Sorry. It's 3am where I am and I'm going to bed in a few minutes. I'm an insomniac most of the time, my hours are always mixed up.

[MichelleZed]

DH, I wasn't around when you were asking those questions before, but I don't understand the problem. Nobody is talking about completely and totally losing interest in an older partner, or wanting to leave the older partner--we're just talking about what it feels like to juggle new sexual desire and a more long-time partner.

It's completely normal for our brains to dwell on the new sex partner for awhile. And yes, I fantasize about all sorts of things while having sex with anyone. That's allowed! I assume my partners are doing the same thing... your brain is a free-for-all during sex. You can't control your thoughts, and why would you want to when they get you off?

You seem to have had a previous partner who pulled away from you in favour of your new partner. Sorry to hear that. The OP is looking for ways to *avoid* doing that, so she's on the right track!

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by justlost

Neon-
I just had to ask... does that really seem right to you?

I mean ... hell I don't know what I mean but it just seems wrong and if I ever though Khas was doing that with me I think it would break the little pieces that are left in my heart into ash...

so I guess if anyone has to follow the advice of your caveat they should keep in mind that is one of those things that you never never never tell anyone.... ever....

just my 2cents

Geez. Of course I don't say to one partner I'm fucking that I'm thinking about someone else. And I don't "fake" or "feign" interest. Sheesh. Believe it or not, some people actually ARE turned on by the idea of their partner thinking about or having sex with someone else. I don't rub it in their faces though.

You probably think watching porn is "cheating" too.

[FancyDancy]

Thanks for all the reassurance everybody! I intellectually understood that this was probably the case, but I really wanted to hear it from some people that had lived it. I definitely still do want to have sex with my husband (like others have said, he really knows how to get me off.. knows my body better than anyone else). My OSO is just super sexy and exciting at this stage. It takes no effort or thought to want to be intimate with him.

Tonight I'm planning on having amazing sex with my husband, and I'm happy that all my feelings are normal. I easily initiate other physical contact with him still (I've always been very loving in a physical way.. just more sweet like kisses/hugs/massage; he wants to be wanted more passionately sexually, so I'll work on expressing that). I'll just keep telling myself to initiate more on the passionate, sexual aspects. I'm much less worried about it now that you all reaffirm my thoughts that while sex with my husband is really fantastic it sometimes just takes a little more thought to initiate because the intense NRE chemicals are no longer there.

Thanks again everyone <83!

[NeonKaos]

You're Welcome.

I wish they were all this easy...

[dingedheart]

MZ ,

The problem is/was the words don't /didn't line up with the actions. The verbal affirmation ....and then the shift in the physical ...that's all. If someone has to force themselves to have sex with you ....it may dampen or kill the mood for you....just a guess.

[River]

(Biologically, of course, I'm very much a man.)

((Well, I'm ALL man for those who want it like that!))

According to some stories on the matter, I'm more like a woman than like a man in my sexual response. I'm turned on by tenderness, affection, love, care, sensitivity -- and it doesn't matter if it comes from a man or a woman (yes, I'm bi). Now, of course, we're dealing with a steriotype here, and also probably with some "statistical normality" (google it).

I'm saying this because it contextualizes, for me, my empathy with those who don't want to imagine their partners imagining being with someone else during sex--however "practical". For some of us, the turn on is very significantly about feeling cherished, desired (personally) and all that girly stuff.

Preemptively: I have my feminist registration card out already. Here it is.

Anyone wanting to rekindle a spark in a long term relationship should -- methinks -- count their blessings about their wonderful partner. Do it often. Do it well. And fantasize the hell out of the factual reality concerning how precious and lovely they really are.