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  #61  
Old 08-30-2011, 10:46 PM
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For what it is worth, I realized through this discussion that I was in large part reacting to a thought: That some people choose the terms "primary, secondary, tertiary" in order to avoid telling their partner that they feel equally in love with, and committed to, another person -- who may not happen to live with the original couple (or grouping). This feels like a dishonest evasion of the honesty which is so crucial to polyamory.

In saying this, I don't have anyone here in mind. It's just a sort of gut reaction in myself at this time.

I've let my long term partner, with whom I live (and whom I love profoundly) know that I'm open to having other loves on equal footing with him. He's happy about this, and for me. We choose to be honest with one another even when doing so is risky territory.
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  #62  
Old 08-30-2011, 11:13 PM
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The other thing I like about life-partner/love-partner, or some variation thereof, is that one of the most salient complaints I've heard about "secondary" is that if you were only dating one person and they were only dating you, you probably wouldn't call each other "secondary" even though the relationship could look *exactly* the same and if you were married to someone else *then* you would call the person you were dating "secondary". It's like secondary only has meaning in the context of primary, therefore making comparisons really hard to resist.

On the other hand, life-partner and love-partner retain their integrity in a variety of configurations.

Also, we know about co-primaries, yet the word "primary" sounds like "first" and in our society usually only one person can be first in anything. Only one gold medal, right? Whereas, having two life-partners sounds less counter intuitive than two primaries.

The problem with life-partner/love-partner? Sounds hella cheesy. Damn it.
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  #63  
Old 08-31-2011, 12:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
. . . Anyone you're with for pleasure and/or affection is a "lovemate", anyone you're bonded to for life is a "lifemate". Too flowery?
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Originally Posted by River View Post
What if you want your lovemates to be your lifemates as well?
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Also, we know about co-primaries, yet the word "primary" sounds like "first" and in our society usually only one person can be first in anything . . . The problem with life-partner/love-partner? Sounds hella cheesy. Damn it.
And you know what else sounds cheesy and risqué in certain situations? When you use the word "lover." Isn't it funny that the word "lover" usually has more sexual connotations than love or partner connotations? I mean, someone could be called a lover when it's only sex with no love involved. I think that's weird. My problem is I like that term best because I feel if I have an intimate loving relationship with someone, who loves me, it makes sense to call him my lover. It just always seems risqué if you use it in social gatherings, like at work or something. It would make everyone at the water cooler uncomfortable to say "I just got back from a weekend with my lover," yet they'd be fine with "I just got back from a weekend with my boyfriend."

I guess I'm just gonna use the word "boyfriend" across the board for anyone I'm involved with. Some people feel silly about that at my age, but I don't.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #64  
Old 08-31-2011, 04:06 AM
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Yeah, I totally feel you, Nyc. I like the word lover a lot too, but I'd never call Gia that to my parents or co-workers... girlfriend works totally fine for our relationship right now.

Maybe husband/wife/fiancee/live-in-partner/life-partner for primary versus boyfriend/girlfriend for secondary works fine. Do we need a general set of terms, or are these various more specific terms enough? I see the general terms as being helpful mainly in poly-community contexts, such as this board, where it makes things easier to have a common parlance. I mean, can you as easily have a "secondary's bill of rights", which is an awesome document, without a word that means "secondary"?

No, in the end I do continue to think that more general terms are necessary and good, whether they're primary/secondary or alternate terms, whichever we may invent.
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  #65  
Old 08-31-2011, 03:10 PM
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I totally agree that the word "lover" got ruined by misuse! I love that word, but most people do now take it to mean "sex partner of the moment".
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  #66  
Old 08-31-2011, 04:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And you know what else sounds cheesy and risqué in certain situations? When you use the word "lover." Isn't it funny that the word "lover" usually has more sexual connotations than love or partner connotations? I mean, someone could be called a lover when it's only sex with no love involved. I think that's weird. My problem is I like that term best because I feel if I have an intimate loving relationship with someone, who loves me, it makes sense to call him my lover.
This is something I have been thinking about this week too.
I was thinking about the term lover, because of its misuse, much like the misuse of secondary.
I do not want to use the descriptor boyfriend again. Lover kept popping in my mind, but does not fit well either. I also thought of beau, but that does not work for me either.
I guess *guys I am dating* is boring, but works.
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  #67  
Old 08-31-2011, 04:03 PM
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How about "juicy little piece on the side"?
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  #68  
Old 08-31-2011, 04:12 PM
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How about "juicy little piece on the side"?
HaHa !

'Choice-piece-of-meat' for dating, and ' Hunk-of-burning-love' for polys ?
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  #69  
Old 08-31-2011, 04:17 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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SG, love your new avatar - speaking as a procrastinator from way back!

I have also used "beau" and "paramour" in conversation. But, as with "lover" they don't sound like more than sexual partners, or do they? I know someone who has several partners and he just refers to them all as his "sweeties."
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-31-2011 at 04:40 PM.
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  #70  
Old 08-31-2011, 04:38 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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When W was involved with P and they started describing themselves as bf/gf - too me, that was too fast and too childish...

I suggested the term "sweetie"

Meh - its all good Right now I don't have anyone else but my husband so its a bridge I'll cross when I get there...
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