Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #111  
Old 09-20-2011, 03:31 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,230
Default

Thank you, AT. Gia is still a person whether I call her my girlfriend, my wife, my primary, my secondary, my boo, my snugglebunny, my life partner, my lover, my amorata, my Domme, my Lady, my baby momma, or my piece on the side. They're all just words, though some may be more accurate or loving than others. What matters is how I treat her.

Why get so worked up over the simple question of what word is best to use? Of course I treat her like an individual. Of course I see her as a human being. Of course I love her, not a word. Of course I don't think I own her (though, er, in a D/s sense I wouldn't mind *her* owning *me*!). Giving our relationship a name doesn't make it less and it doesn't make it bad. I can always change the name later if I want. If *we* want. Describing is not defining.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #112  
Old 09-20-2011, 12:29 PM
Somegeezer's Avatar
Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Leeds, UK
Posts: 804
Default

I have to agree with you, Senga. "I love [insert name(s) here]. They are my partner(s)". Even if you do have a specific, hierarchal thing going on at home, doesn't mean you have to simply describe them as primary, secondary and so forth.

I think if you did actually have time to have a real conversation about it, you would have that time to actually explain who they are to you, rather than using these words too.
Rather than, "this is my primary", you could instead go for something like "I love all of these people, but I only live with this person. We share the finances and other priorities, such as looking after our children, but still make time for the others in our lives".

There's recurring comments around this whole forum about "use the language of the people you are speaking to". You use words like primary and secondary, most people jump to the conclusion that the secondary would mean less to you. That isn't the fault of language, it is the way you choose to use it.
__________________
[Insert witty comment here]
Feel free to add me up on facebook. - Just click here.
Do send a message in your request saying who you are and that you're from this forum. It will help me filter out any spam requests.
=]
Reply With Quote
  #113  
Old 09-20-2011, 01:17 PM
Senga's Avatar
Senga Senga is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 99
Default

I guess I feel like I shouldnt have to explain to every random person I introduce my friends/lovers to 'why I decided' to be friends or date them. It seems like a conversation about the complexities of my inter-connected relationships is far too informal for a formal situation where just introducing them as a person would suffice. If someone is interested to ask questions, then maybe I could go into more detail one on one.

It would be like asking a married person "why did you two get married", as soon as you meet them. Such a loaded question! So many variables that contribute to the 'why'. It's kinda past the line of polite conversation in my book.

If you are friends with someone & want to tell them about your relationship well then sure, use the terminology that you would like, but in my experience it will take just as long to explain it & then explain the terminology. lol I have found that describing the needs they fulfill is more clear; the amount of time, resources, etc whatever determining factor you use. No one's needs are the same so no label is going to fit everything.
Reply With Quote
  #114  
Old 09-20-2011, 07:51 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,769
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Senga View Post
I guess I feel like I shouldnt have to explain to every random person I introduce my friends/lovers to 'why I decided' to be friends or date them.

. . . It's kinda past the line of polite conversation in my book.
Of course, you shouldn't have to explain anything to anyone that you don't want to. If someone asks a question that you feel is rude or too personal, why wouldn't you simply say, "That's a rather personal question" or "I don't feel a need to explain myself" (add a look on your face that clearly tells them they're being an ass, and you've made your point), and leave it at that? You don't owe anyone any explanations, so who cares if they ask.
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #115  
Old 09-23-2011, 01:30 AM
lemniscate's Avatar
lemniscate lemniscate is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 23
Default

I just call my husband my husband, my boyfriend my boyfriend, and his wife my girlfriend, or my boyfriend's wife if I'm trying to keep context. I guess though that because I'm married, this makes it a little easier to do that.

However, I don't think of my boyfriend and girlfriend as 'secondaries.' I just call them partners or sweeties when describing my situation to other people. It's easy.

You're right, I don't think anyone needs to get worked up. I do think though that we should all just do what we think is best. Don't worry what others think of your wording choice. If you want to use the term 'secondary,' cool beans. If you don't, 'cool beans.' Anyone that would judge you for this is pretty silly I think and should worry about themselves. We're all so different that it doesn't make sense to compartmentalize (unless of course, that's your thing!)
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
definitions, descriptions, hierarchy, perscriptions, primary/secondary, secondaries, secondary, terminology

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:34 AM.