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  #11  
Old 08-28-2011, 04:30 PM
Monogamish Monogamish is offline
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I am admittedly a little surprised and saddened that this forum would give "dump him already" or "give up it's hopeless" advice so readily, and that the situation seems so "fucked up" to many of you. Discussing my kink, poly, and otherwise abnormal proclivities with a vanilla doctor isn't likely to end well, since then I won't only be treated for the depression, but also for mental instability based on my own desires. I certainly don't mean to do a flounce, or sling mud or accusations at any of the people here. I'm disappointed that this wasn't the support group I had hoped for, but it was unfair of me to place those expectations upon you to begin with. Thank you all for your time, and I apologize for having sought support from within the context of my relationship where there was little to be given.
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  #12  
Old 08-28-2011, 05:29 PM
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Bahalana Bahalana is offline
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I don't know if people have been sending you private messages, but only three people have replied to this thread you've started. One advised you to ask him to slow down, another said follow your gut, and the last one said spread your wings and live a little.

Maybe there's more space between these lines than I realized. Or perhaps there's something else you're reading into this that you need to deal with.
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  #13  
Old 08-28-2011, 06:58 PM
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I don't see any responses here telling you to dump him. ???

When I said it seemed fucked up, I guess I could've find a better adjective. I just meant that he keeps changing his mind about what he wants and is basically yanking you around, especially because you are so uncertain about what you want for yourself and you are scared to talk to him about it. And I really see a need for you to expand your life a little beyond this relationship. Without establishing a true, strong sense of self, you may be headed toward real dependency in this situation. Maybe you aren't really ready for actively being a submissive until you are stronger in knowing who you are, and have a handle on your depression. From what I've read and been told about D/s relationships, it's the sub who's really "in charge" and the Dom who has been given a gift and should handle that privilege very carefully. This kind of dynamic could be a disaster for you until you are more sure of yourself and what you want in life, and he has a better handle on his responsibility toward nurturing your self-growth through his relationship with you. That's why I say, "spread your wings, grow, find out what else life has to offer you," etc. Also, I am sure there are kink-friendly therapists out there, though it may take some doing to find one.

You've only posted here a couple of days ago and received a few responses. Surely there are more opinions that you will find helpful -- but what are you looking for? Do you want to be told what to do? We can only offer our opinions based on what you've written.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-28-2011 at 07:36 PM.
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  #14  
Old 08-28-2011, 10:44 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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People here are going to give you the unvarnished true ....like it or not. I was only thinking of or health and happiness. The poly community seems to have an intersection with Bdsm community so there are plenty of experts here ...I'm surprised they haven't weighed in yet......must be tied up

The reason I suggested telling your Dr because these factors will be very important .....he may wonder why you not get better and thing of that nature. And remember you going to him for help and leaving out a couple very important aspects of your life.
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  #15  
Old 08-28-2011, 11:31 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Monogamish View Post
I am admittedly a little surprised and saddened that this forum would give "dump him already" or "give up it's hopeless" advice so readily, and that the situation seems so "fucked up" to many of you.
Hmmm... it sounds like there was something that you really wanted to hear from somebody, but didn't. What did you want people to tell you? What advice would you give yourself? This is worth thinking about.

You reacted pretty strongly to the few responses you've received, and you seem to think that people have said to dump your partner or give up, but I don't read that in any of the responses. Perhaps you might want to examine why your reaction was so strong. Is there a particular sentence or part of one of the responses that triggered you specifically? Maybe that might be a good starting place to examine your feelings.

Quote:
Thank you all for your time, and I apologize for having sought support from within the context of my relationship where there was little to be given.
That's a pretty passive-aggressive thing to say. I can tell this is a very emotionally charged issue for you, and I'm really sorry you're having a hard time.

Last edited by MichelleZed; 08-28-2011 at 11:34 PM.
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  #16  
Old 08-29-2011, 08:17 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Ah, as advice goes, I also will chime in with the majority, that people read into what they see in print, in a very biased way.

I have seen people post things, with responses that seem SO out of whack "That guy is a selfish asshole!" "She is obviously using you!" "He is a manipulative bastard!" When I don't read that into the original posters comments one damn bit. People respond based on their own personal experiences. Maybe you sense this in some responses, maybe as others have said, you aren't hearing what you want to hear, or what you heard directed you into a decision that seemed contrary to what you were hearing so you think the advice is BS.

It is also possible you're biased on what you THINK people are saying based on how you planned on proceeding, and you don't like that it differs - case in point, I read a thread on fetlife yesterday, a situation that seemed similar to the one I, my partner, and his wife are in. While two days ago I was perfectly comfortable with what was going on (I thought) after reading this thread and the people's responses to it, I became sure that everybody in the world thought my actions were those of a horrible uncaring person. It took my husband reading it and giving me some feedback and objective input for me to realize that people giving advice when they don't have the whole picture of what is going on, is just that, people stabbing into the dark until we know what the full picture is. Even then, if somebody has had a negative experience with a certain dynamic, they might be prone to give subjective advice that isn't useful to you as an individual.

Bottom line - this forum has all sorts of personalities, and lots of good advice. Sometimes it isn't fuzzy and warm, sometimes it is off based until more details are uncovered, but I don't think I've seen yet anybody giving advice hoping that it made somebody anything less than better off than before the input was given.

(edit: I would've given input on the original post, but just incase you aren't going to read it I figured I would keep it to myself! )
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  #17  
Old 08-29-2011, 10:39 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Annintherain,
What do you mean ...chime in with the majority and read it in a biased way.
Do you think a young 23yr old suffering from clinical depression who is struggling to find happiness is a good match for this? It sounds like you are in both communities so what is your advice? What should she do to find happiness?
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  #18  
Old 08-29-2011, 10:54 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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@dingedheart
Hrm, OP seemed to take the responses as negative (which I didn't think they were either, just pragmatic/based on life experience) and decided the responses weren't to their tastes.

If you are asking if a depressed 23 yo is smart to pursue a poly relationship? I don't think it is an insane option. I was probably clinically depressed 5 years ago due to entering a relationship I was in after being poly, then becoming mono for awhile - I knew what I wanted at the time (sex that was a fun experience for both parties) and with whom I wanted it with, but I could not have the two at the same time. Led to misery for a few years. Not at all like your experiences from what I read, way back 8+ years ago with my ex-husband, I was the one who brought up poly, and he was gung-ho for the idea.

My advice is to know yourself, communicate with the important people in your life, spend time alone and ponder. That goes for any person, anytime, any relationship dynamic. If something doesn't feel good - stop. If somebody wont wait while you figure it out, fuck em.
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  #19  
Old 08-29-2011, 04:16 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Anneintherain,

You are a little hard to pin down.... Good idea/match or insane ....big difference. The problem with your idea is she can't trust her self ....the razor blade talks to her. You said yourself that you struggled with depression as the result of relationship trouble....she's already got depression and is struggling with the relationship.....I get being diplomatic and positive but what about reality. What advice would you give a close friend or sister with the same facts?
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  #20  
Old 08-29-2011, 05:36 PM
Monogamish Monogamish is offline
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Default The male half

So, i'm the male half of this equation for her. I thought i'd weigh in on the topic and respond to some of the advice, since she has decided to not respond at all anymore. My responses are pretty much by chronological order of the posts, and should be read thusly.

Redpepper: Your advice is quite sound. In fact, when we first started our relationship, and both identified as polyamorus, we had a long negotiation, and this was a topic that was discussed at length. I suggested that we spend an entire year just to ourselves, playing the monogamous game together, to help build a strong relationship and good inter-relationship communication. October would be that year mark. Now, with her current insecurities, my own "start date" so to speak I am pushing out further from then, to provide her stability and security. Beyond my responsibilities as someone who is at the top of the power dynamic (which are, but are not limited to, nurturing her and protecting her), i'm not the type of person to cause undue harm in the people I care about. You are quite right in that this aspect of our lives has very little to do with our power dynamic. Part of her frustration comes from other posters focusing too heavily on the power dynamic, when she simply wished to provide a more accurate picture of who she was and what she was.

Dingedheart : How can two people maintain a non-d/s relationship when one identifies as a submissive/slave and one identifies as a dominant/master? Quite easily actually. I have plenty of submissive friends, dominant friends, etc. Our personality traits do not define us solely. It all comes down to responsibility. The fact is, I don't see a time where I wish to accept that kind of responsibility from another person concurrently with what I already have accepted. It may one day happen, but I simply don't have the time and energy required to maintain that kind of relationship in more than one person at this time.

This is about the point where she began to get rather frustrated with the responses. She came hoping to find fresh advice, or even better, personal stories of people who had had similar situations and how they dealt with it. Instead, her first "real" advice she got (after redpepper), was that it was nearly impossible.

nycindie: She is quite hyper focused on what I want. That is a part of who she is, part of her chosen dynamic in life. That being said, you shouldn't discount the fact that this is something she wants as well, not just for me, but for herself.

The second half of your post is where she really through her hands up in the air. She really didn't expect the forum to be as hostile to people involved in our lifestyle as it ended up being (and yes, telling her how "fucked up" everything is counts as hostile). Your advice basically boils down to she's young, so she should simply split, and go experience the world. This is where she saw the "dump him and move on" part, because thats what you are really suggesting, though not in as many words. Problem is, she's already done that. Both of us have spent time abroad (I had extended trips to both Mexico, and Spain, and she lived for 6 months in England, 6 months in Korea, and another 3 months in Austrailia), and we've done the self-exploration bit. The question is, why do you feel that further exploration has to be done with no ties at all? Why must it be done without any regard for a close connection to someone?

This is followed by dingedhearts suggestion she see a doctor, and soon. So, once again, look at it from her point of view. She got one good piece of advice (though granted, one we already knew), followed by someone telling her how "fucked up" everything was, which really translated into how fucked up SHE was, as this is something she's been happy with for a long time now, then sidelong suggestions she see a doctor. Also, for the record, her depression was diagnosed significantly early on as a chemical deficiency instead of an environmental cause.

Bahalana: Maybe now you see what she was seeing?

nycindie: Actually, what I want has not changed. One of the problems with communicating with someone who is in the middle of a depression is that they take what someone says, and put it through the "worst thing ever" filter. Everyone does the same thing actually, it's just that in depressives, the word filter that they interpret the world through is much darker than it actually is. The only thing outsiders can do is repeat, clarify, and reword, until their actual intentions get through. Still, this thread DID lead to some good communication where we identified the misinterpretation, and fixed it. What I wanted had not changed, the problem was that filter was blackening it now, whereas it wasn't when we've discussed it before.

Anneintherain: Thanks for the well-reasoned, non-biased response.

Dinged, I want to take a moment to speak to you, instead of responding to what you've posted to my female half. She had people PM her, telling her to ignore your advice, and talk the briefest bit about why you are so hostile to people in our community. I'm sorry that bad things happened to you, perpetrated by people who were involved in these types of relationships, but you really should separate the people from the kink. People can be mean, inconsiderate, and hateful anywhere. Don't blame the community for it. Still, if you feel like it's a mental illness, that everyone involved needs mental help, and so on and so forth, at least make your bias known ahead of time, so no one who is struggling with their own BDSM tendencies listens to hard and runs away from who they really are. I've been there, and done that, and it's not a pleasant place to be.

So in summary, what did she really take out of this? That her power dynamic, while irrelevant to the topic at hand really, was going to overpower and color much of the advice she was going to get. Sad, but that's the way of life. It just means that in her search for advice, she needs to find a polyamory forum/group with a greater number of people involved in our community so that the hostility/confusion is absent, and she can get the advice she is seeking.

That being said, we'll keep an eye on the thread, in hopes that someone who has a personal story will come out and post it, and we can glean some advice from it.
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