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  #11  
Old 05-29-2012, 12:01 AM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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Default Update: Very delayed!

I doubt anyone will read this, but it is a handy place to update my story if anyone is checking.

I went to the therapist. AMAZING!!!!

Then husband came too: revolutionary!!!!!

It just goes to show the difference a proper coach with real expertise in sexual difference can make.

My husband finally realized that he has a problem with sex. For the first time he began to acknowledge that sex really could be for fun. He is still pretty vanilla (ok, very vanilla) but everything else is much better. It isn't what anyone would call good sex, but compared to no sex HEAVEN!!!!!

He has also accepted that I am poly. Seeing how much happier I am with that knowledge made a big difference. Also realizing he fell in love with me when I was seeing two people kind of helped.

He has been ok with me flirting and hanging out with people. He has been ok with me building emotional connections. The physical ones though....tough call. We'll see how it develops...

Thanks for your support peeps!
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  #12  
Old 05-29-2012, 02:31 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I just wanted to say I read this, and good on'ya! So nice to hear positive updates.
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  #13  
Old 05-29-2012, 04:04 AM
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Lia Lia is offline
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Hi Trans. I just read your original post and you seem like you're writing my story. My husband is having the same issues, premature ejaculation and lack of giving oral stimulation to me. So our sex life is pretty crappy and ultra vanilla. Which I've been okay with for 12 years, but it's wearing me down. I think I was able to accept my current life because we had a child together and I put my needs on the back burner. I've suggested he go to the doctor many times, but he refuses. Unfortunately, my husband isn't accepting of my desire to pursue a poly life. I believe he just doesn't understand it. I want to mention this site to him, but he makes me feel like there is something wrong with me for feeling this way. He thinks I just want to go out and bang a bunch of guys.
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  #14  
Old 05-29-2012, 07:10 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Please, please, please.......these guys need to get some medical testing if it hasn't been done, e.g. testosterone levels, etc., in terms of low sexual desire, pre-mature ejaculation, or erectile dysfunction, before one assumes it's psychological or relationship issue. Lia, regardless of whether or not you're poly, I think your husband is being very selfish in refusing to go to a doctor. (I had the same problem with my ex-husband. I was so afraid to talk directly about it for fear it would make things worse, e.g. increased self-consciousness, but you've already taken that step.)

transcendental: I am shocked and disappointed that a sex therapist....especially one you saw for 2 years....wouldn't have INSISTED that possible medical/physical causation be ruled out before therapy progressed very far!! Glad to hear you're going to someone different now!

Last edited by dragonflysky; 05-29-2012 at 07:14 AM.
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  #15  
Old 05-29-2012, 08:10 AM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
transcendental: I am shocked and disappointed that a sex therapist....especially one you saw for 2 years....wouldn't have INSISTED that possible medical/physical causation be ruled out before therapy progressed very far!! Glad to hear you're going to someone different now!
With my husband it wasn't medical at all, it was all mental. The first psychologist just tried to tackle "the penis." It never seemed to occur to him that if things weren't progressing there must be some underlying causes. Within two sessions the specialist sexual relations/polyamory therapist had changed everything! It came down to one magic word. She said "sometimes people just want to fuck." My reply was "he won't feel comfy with the fuck word." My husband never realized it until a third party said so! After he accepted that he had a problem with sexualizing sex (rather than it being making love or cute teenage nonsense) it all became much better! We had proper normal length sex the other day. It was fab!

Lia: Good luck! It took me years to persuade my husband there were sexual issues between us. Luckily he is able to separate my being poly from his sexuality. I think that because that was tackled slowly over a number of years when the poly-bomb dropped it was logical. It helps that our relationship is perfect in every other way. We still haven't progressed enough that I am able to have a fully physical relationship with someone (I posted about that elsewhere!). I'm hoping that will come (and soon!).
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  #16  
Old 05-29-2012, 10:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
Lia, regardless of whether or not you're poly, I think your husband is being very selfish in refusing to go to a doctor. (I had the same problem with my ex-husband. I was so afraid to talk directly about it for fear it would make things worse, e.g. increased self-consciousness, but you've already taken that step.)
I agree that he is being selfish. It makes me feel that he doesn't care that he may have a problem and that my satisfaction doesn't matter. I'm not just worried about his problem because of the sex, but that there may be a serious issue. I told him it may be his prostate, but he just brushed me off. I guess he thinks that since he is 32, he's okay. In relation to the sex, I feel that as long as he gets off, everything is okay. I definitely am poly, I know it in my heart. I'm really sad that my husband isn't open to considering this lifestyle even if he remains mono.
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  #17  
Old 05-29-2012, 10:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by transcendental View Post
Lia: Good luck! It took me years to persuade my husband there were sexual issues between us. Luckily he is able to separate my being poly from his sexuality. I think that because that was tackled slowly over a number of years when the poly-bomb dropped it was logical. It helps that our relationship is perfect in every other way. We still haven't progressed enough that I am able to have a fully physical relationship with someone (I posted about that elsewhere!). I'm hoping that will come (and soon!).
I'm so happy for you that you and your husband are working things out! As I think more and more about the future, I am less optimistic that my husband and I will work out. He is extremely jealous, insecure, and loves to get revenge on me even for the smallest things. He's a great father and I love him for that, but he doesn't seem to put the same effort into our marriage. We recently decided to separate, but I do wish that we will continue a loving relationship and not just for our son.
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  #18  
Old 06-02-2012, 09:24 AM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lia View Post
I'm so happy for you that you and your husband are working things out! As I think more and more about the future, I am less optimistic that my husband and I will work out. He is extremely jealous, insecure, and loves to get revenge on me even for the smallest things. He's a great father and I love him for that, but he doesn't seem to put the same effort into our marriage. We recently decided to separate, but I do wish that we will continue a loving relationship and not just for our son.
That is sad to hear, I hope everything works out the way you want and need.
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  #19  
Old 06-08-2012, 05:46 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by transcendental View Post
It helps that our relationship is perfect in every other way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lia View Post
As I think more and more about the future, I am less optimistic that my husband and I will work out. He is extremely jealous, insecure, and loves to get revenge on me even for the smallest things. He's a great father and I love him for that, but he doesn't seem to put the same effort into our marriage. We recently decided to separate, but I do wish that we will continue a loving relationship and not just for our son.
Yikes. Going from thinking your marriage was "perfect" besides the sexual dysfunction, to saying he is jealous, insecure, vengeful for the smallest things...

Good luck. Glad you're getting a little vanilla sex in the meantime, but really, as I said a year ago, life is too short to be so mismatched. I put up with unbearable shit from my ex-h for way too long, and finally we separated and divorced. Best decision I ever made. Read my blog if you don't believe me.
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  #20  
Old 06-08-2012, 05:58 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Well, it was two different posters Magdlyn, so maybe more understandable than you first thought? :-P
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