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  #11  
Old 08-23-2011, 09:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Cheesehead100 View Post
...she keeps explaining how seeking poly is because I neglected her ...
Well... have you been neglecting her? Has there been longterm lack of intimacy? Poly isn't a bandaid for that, but it can point to areas where you two have work to do to get back on the same page.
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  #12  
Old 08-24-2011, 03:59 AM
Cheesehead100 Cheesehead100 is offline
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I can understand how she may feel neglected. We took on a lot of stress in the last couple years including moving to a new city, both getting new jobs, buying a new house, getting married and concentrating on getting out of debt. I've tried to do well by her and provide for her. This is our first time living the "American Dream" and it hasn't been everything we wanted in life. I did ask her multiple times if I was filling her "love buckets" (from 5 love languages) and she said I was doing great.

I was reading earlier about the new relationship glow and I wonder if her emotions are just whipping her around causing her to hurt me even if she doesn't want to. I certainly don't want to make major life changing decisions while she is in this state of mind (if it's even the case).

By the way, I've invited her to join here and post in this thread.
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Old 08-24-2011, 12:31 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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NRE can be brutal, especially if someone is new to polyamory, but even if they are experienced it can whirl you away in the hormones and chemicals.

If she's serious about being ethical and thoughtful to the romantic partners in her life, I'd seriously suggest she read everything possible on NRE (new relationship energy), and also about introducing poly into an already established relationship. It is her responsibility to learn what NRE can do (cause her to make really bad judgments, to be self-centered and to neglect the rest of her life), so that she can see when that's happening and slow herself down--and so she can be sure to attend to her marraige at the same time. This can be difficult, but in the end if she doesn't she may end up losing her marraige and then wake up from NRE and wonder what happened.

Also, when introducing poly into an already established relationship, you have to go a bit slower so that the person who is basically having their whole life changed can adjust, learn, deal with feelings and learn to be comfortable.

If I had one piece of advice for people who were introducing poly into their relationships it would be for the person who has the new relationship-- Take Care of Your Partner. Be loving, be understanding, be caring-- let them know you will go at their speed, let them know you understand their concerns, let them talk to you about what those concerns are. By doing that you are showing them that you love them and want them to be in your life and are willing to do the work to help them get there. If you don't do this, and do things that break boundaries, or push to get what you want, lie to them, or just do what you want no matter what they feel because you don't "get" their emotions-- you are showing them that they are NOT your concern, that you are more concerned with fucking some new person than in maintaining your relationship, that they cannot trust you, and that they are your last priority over yourself and the new person. This will make poly really hard to do, if you even can, and may very well end up in you losing your relationship.

I'm not saying cater to every whim... your partner needs to do some work as well, and be communicative and take responsibility for their own feelings. But if you are there to support it, instead of rush it and be impatient because you want to go off with someone else, you have a better chance of success, and an easier time of transition.
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Old 08-24-2011, 02:56 PM
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Well, your wife is not unusual. A lot of people seek the monogamous dream only to find it is not all that exciting and then long for that rush and excitement of being in love again. There is nothing wrong with that, but once you've created responsibilities in life the you have to deal with them and have a good measure of respect and consideration for them I think. Life is never the same again. Its grown up time.

Pacing is so important. Going at the pace of the one that is struggling the most is really important to poly success. As is time management; making sure their is a balance; spending equal time in different areas of life with the same energy and vigor. The biggest thing is to keep communicating with honesty and consideration.

Try doing a tag search here under "lessons" and "foundations" to get an idea of how to go about poly with some measure of success.
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  #15  
Old 08-24-2011, 03:44 PM
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Sounds a lot like what we went through at the beginning. And I still struggle with the pain I am putting my husband through. Am I asking too much of him, to accept this? Would he be better off if I just left?

Well -- if I wanted to leave, I would. If he wants to, he will.

There's an awesome scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, right after Butch has taken Etta (Sundance's "wife") on a romantic bikeride. I'm not quoting exactly, but it's kinda like this:

Sundance: What the hell are you doing?
Butch: I'm stealin' your woman.
Sundance (thinks a minute, scratches his ass, and shrugs): Take her.


Such cocky confidence! From both of them! (I love my cowboys ). Etta's not going anywhere. Why should she??? She's got her cake and eating it too. And her cowboys know it! Queen Bee is a great place to be . You have given your wife this elevated status, that she is worthy of all the love she desires. I know I was floating around like a goddess, especially at the beginning.

NRE is kind of a cloud. When you poof it out of the way for a minute, you find that underneath it all the love is still there, and you are more solid in your marriage than you think. It sounds to me like you two are starting out from a good place. Keep up the good communication. And don't forget to laugh and lighten up. It helps.
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  #16  
Old 08-24-2011, 05:52 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
NRE is kind of a cloud. When you poof it out of the way for a minute, you find that underneath it all the love is still there, and you are more solid in your marriage than you think. It sounds to me like you two are starting out from a good place. Keep up the good communication. And don't forget to laugh and lighten up. It helps.
Carma, you're describing NRE from the point of view of the person IN NRE. I can tell you that's NOT how it feels to the other person left out of it if the person in NRE isn't taking care of their shit.

Warning: This part is strictly my personal experience, so take it for what it's worth.

When my hubs was in NRE his whole being and attention was on the new relationship. As soon as they started dating I got almost nothing-- very few texts, no phone calls, our skype sessions stopped, nothing. I was completely left alone with no reassurance that I was still loved or even thought about as anything more than the person taking care of the shit at home. In fact, when I explained this, and other things that were going on that were not cool, he acted like I was shitting all over his party for not going along with whatever they chose to do.

Had this happened locally-- we may not be together right now. And he would have been surprised because HE was in such a loving fog of whatever, that he couldn't see he was completely neglecting me. EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM HE WAS. He couldn't understand how I felt that way, therefore it wasn't real to him. But the problem was his actions were all I had-- the inner thoughts and feelings of loving me didn't matter if they remained inside his head and his actions showed me no concern. I got to a point where I just didn't give a fuck what he did because he was going to do it anyway, regardless of how I felt.

This is not a good place to be in a relationship.

So my original point is NRE can be lovely-- but take care of your other freaking relationships TOO. And check in with those people to make sure you're doing that, because when you're in NRE your judgment, sense of time and attention is for SHIT. If the people you love are saying they're feeling neglected or not getting their needs met, listen to them. Or you may find yourself mourning the loss of a relationship or two.

Edited: And yes, I am still getting over some pretty pissed off feelings about this...
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  #17  
Old 08-24-2011, 06:02 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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... And yes, I am still getting over some pretty pissed off feelings about this...
Completely understandable!
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  #18  
Old 08-25-2011, 04:46 AM
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Well... have you been neglecting her? Has there been longterm lack of intimacy? Poly isn't a bandaid for that, but it can point to areas where you two have work to do to get back on the same page.
This is Mrs. Cheesehead. We're from WI and we do love cheese. We have really appreciated this forum and the senior members being able to offer us some thoughts about all of this. No, I wasn't giving an ultimatum, I wasn't threatening anything, and I certainly wasn't seeking anything as any kind of revenge. I haven't posted on here sooner because I have been bombarded with a lot of angry questions like, "how can you do this to me" and have not been able to think straight.

Someone posted why do I think polyamory is for me or something along those lines. Through a number of experiences the last few years (we have been together 5.5 years, married for 1), this would now be the 3rd person that has caught my attention. The pattern seemed to be I was feeling confident about myself and when Mr. Cheesehead was not around (long distance) I didn't want to be by myself and tended to end up in gray areas with other people. No, I never cheated, never kissed anyone or anything like that, but it threw me and of coarse him for a loop. I thought, o boy, only bad things happen when I feel good about myself for Mr. Cheesehead. So, along with any number of other things, and whether I ever consciously made the decision or not, I seem to have begun making decisions and taking action that would not hurt him. In a way I think I managed to lose part of myself to prevent myself from hurting him.

To be honest, the idea of having an open relationship of some kind has come up several times before. We'd even talked about it to the point of watching a few movies about it, each time thinking that it would make life very complicated and it probably wasn't worth it. We had been missing some sparks at home and the last discussion we had about it, Mr. Cheesehead said out loud a thought something along the lines of "maybe having a non heavy physical relationship will help you get through this". No, I didn't think "hey, I've got the green light to go screw other guys!", I was surprised that he would see the benefit and open to the idea. That was months ago.

At the same time, I'm involved with a business group which encourages you to open your mind, step out of your comfort zone, open your heart, etc. in order to better connect to people and grow a stronger business.

Also to keep in mind, in the process of getting ready for our wedding Mr. Cheesehead wanted to give me the freedom to make all the decisions for our wedding which left me overwhelmed and feeling that I had no help - during that same time he felt abandoned at home because I wasn't keeping up with my chores. We thought when the wedding was done everything would be ok because the huge amount of stress would be relieved. We then took our honeymoon in another country and I came home with a stomach bug which took me about 3 weeks to get through. He felt that since things didn't automatically pick up in bed that life was just going to suck and I feel did somewhat neglect me for a substantial amount of time.

A number of months later when we finally decided to go to counseling, I had found other things to do to occupy my time and he continues to not feel important. I don't know how long I was supposed to sit around and do nothing before I got up and started doing /something/. We seemed to have been both waiting for the other one to initiate something and I got tired of waiting/being ignored.

Also a few months after we got married I started working on this new project at work. This person I am working with seemed to notice me loosing steam or something and began just giving me small encouragements. Letting me know I was doing well, on the right track. Small. Simple. That seemed to be all I needed to pick my head up again and keep going with everything. He honestly reminded me of some of my favorite things of Mr. Cheesehead when we first met.

Then a few months ago I started having these interesting feelings and couldn't quite place where they were coming from. It seems that by the time I figured it out, I was curious enough that I went back into that gray zone again. I don't think that was ever a conscious decision either, but I can see now that that's what happened. I'm curious, co-worker is also curious. He's playful, likes to push people's buttons a bit, and so do I. That made our difficult project less stressful and more fun. Then I started missing him on Saturdays. I didn't think that would go anywhere good so I took some time off of work to try to maybe come back to my center. That didn't seem to change anything. Finally I kind of gave up and said fine, let's see what happens here. Surely it will go away soon. Instead, feelings grew more. I found out the co-worker also cared about me. Made things much worse. I had been bringing all that energy home, and things for Mr. Cheesehead and I finally seemed to be working. Spark came and seemed to hit us both like a brick. We were having lots of fun and finally happy that things were not so heavy, labored, and hard.

For the last I don't know how many months, I'd been feeling that I in fact had a lot of love and passion to give, and nowhere to go with it. From all of our bad times Mr. Cheesehead built up so many walls that I couldn't get through. Finally I found a source that when I would say - "look at it pouring outside, I want to go jump in puddles!" would say "go for it," instead of, "well, if you think about it, you have an hour and a half left of working and if you go out there now, it's 72*F which means when you come back in you'll be cold and...." I think you get the idea. I have appreciated how Mr. Cheesehead has balanced me out, brought me back to earth at times, tried to get me to bed on time so I can get up for work. At the same time I feel like our whole life has been over-analyzed and really just wanted to play and have fun. I read somewhere, "I'm married, not dead!" and really do still want to be spontaneous and get into trouble (like jumping in puddles), so it makes sense to me that if Mr. Cheesehead doesn't want to go play in the rain, and I don't want to spend 3 days discussing all of the possible options of how to play in the rain or what the consequences would be, that I could get some of that so-called trouble maker out with this other person and then come home reasonably calm and happy so I don't stress out my hubby.

Then like he said, I came across the idea of polyamory about two weeks ago now and told him about it the same day I discovered it. Why does it appeal to me? It feels natural to me. I know I can care about two people at once and see the benefit for all parties involved. Part of me honestly thought he would say, things have been so great, keep it up! It seemed that a poly situation had started but I wasn't going to go anywhere with it without talking with the hubby first. I also ordered some books about it - The Ethical Slut, and Polyamory in the 21st century so we could figure it out. But like Mr. Cheesehead said, I made that decision and took action without him. It seems to me that has been quit pro quo for almost two years. I ask a question, get maybe half of a response, something needs to be done, so I feel I have to decide myself.

I do understand that all of this seems to have happened very suddenly so it's been very hard on him, but I don't understand why it takes me saying I want to go so you don't have to be tortured by me for him to tell me that I am actually important in his life and bring value into his life. Then I think of how many rules and analyzing and this and that has been in our relationship for so long. When that is paired with over a week of hurt and heavy emotions, when I'm asked, "Why did you marry me?" I can't remember. Like he said, the american dream has not been for us and every picture outside of our first 5-6 months seems to have a fight associated with it. I'm married, not dead. I do want to have fun, but it scares me a bit that it takes an additional outside source of energy for us to work properly. I do care about my hubby a lot and I do greatly appreciate that he has taken the initiative to find this forum and do some reading about everything. I do also feel that sometimes I am a bit too "crazy" for him, stretch him a lot, and just stress him out a lot.

As an update, co-worker did think about the poly idea and does not want to bring it up with his wife. They've talked about it before and it sounds like it went very bad. In the meantime, we still are working on this project for who knows how long. Mr. Cheesehead seemed relieved to hear this and maybe it will give us the chance to figure things out for ourselves. We both do have people telling us to run from each other, so it has been hard to take all of this information and make any decision about anything.

That is my point of view.
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  #19  
Old 08-25-2011, 02:11 PM
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I understand where Minxxa is coming from, too. I know NRE can be crazy, and can really hurt. I was trying to shine the positive light on things, but that in no way negates the fact that it can be quite awful, too. (I just found myself on the other side of it, recently, so I have had a few rude awakenings, eek!) Poly is such a roller coaster sometimes.

Hey, CheesyLady, how cool you came here to share, too. Welcome . I can relate to some of your story. Especially the puddle jumping, ha! Sundance tends to be very protective too, and I think marriage can get so practical, by necessity, the everyday routines and responsibilities.... It can be so refreshing to have someone who is outside of that parameter. I love not being obligated to each other -- so different. But I love my commitment to my husband, too!

I tend to overanalyze the hell out of everything, so for me it is a constant battle to keep things in perspective. But maybe that's why poly is for me -- I thrive on this craziness, I guess. Even my husband says he would probably be bored with someone more stable/predictable! Am I "too crazy" for him? Well, maybe that's for him to decide. I have to just focus on being the real me -- and the biggest part of that is being honest. It sounds like you are doing that painful work, too.

I think marriage comes with a whole ton of expectations. It seems that in today's world, we are all struggling to define/re-define what marriage really is or should be. What is it that we really want? What will work best? And is there really ONE model that fits for everyone? I cannot imagine that to be true! That's why I really love this forum. It is full of people courageous enough to say, this is how I feel, this is how I am living my life, this is my vision, my fantasy, I am trying something new, I am daring to question, to dream.... Lots of creativity here. We are all Love Artists.
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Old 08-25-2011, 02:52 PM
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We had been missing some sparks at home...I had found other things to do to occupy my time and he continues to not feel important...I got tired of waiting/being ignored.

He honestly reminded me of some of my favorite things of Mr. Cheesehead when we first met.

I had been bringing all that energy home, and things for Mr. Cheesehead and I finally seemed to be working. Spark came and seemed to hit us both like a brick. We were having lots of fun and finally happy that things were not so heavy, labored, and hard.

For the last I don't know how many months, I'd been feeling that I in fact had a lot of love and passion to give, and nowhere to go with it. From all of our bad times Mr. Cheesehead built up so many walls that I couldn't get through... At the same time I feel like our whole life has been over-analyzed and really just wanted to play and have fun. I read somewhere, "I'm married, not dead!"...

I ask a question, get maybe half of a response, something needs to be done, so I feel I have to decide myself.

...when I'm asked, "Why did you marry me?" I can't remember. Like he said, the american dream has not been for us and every picture outside of our first 5-6 months seems to have a fight associated with it. I'm married, not dead. I do want to have fun, but it scares me a bit that it takes an additional outside source of energy for us to work properly.
There seems to be a lot of trouble in your marriage, and it won't go away with poly.

It's good to hear the relationship with the co-worker came to nothing, because honestly, with this many issues, I don't think your relationship with Mr. Cheesehead would have survived.

How is that councelling coming along?
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