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Old 08-24-2011, 03:47 PM
Allstar Allstar is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 67
Default Need Advice from a Mono Primary

Here is a little back ground. I have been dating this woman for a few months. She is poly, I am trying to be open minded to it. We recently decided that we would be the primary relationship, even though she has been with the other guy longer than me (ldr). I have fears and worries about our future together. They are completely figments of my mind and no way reflect how our relationship is actually going. But I need to get these wild emotions under control and looking for some sort of guidance. I feel I might be on the way out of this relationship unless I can get these under control.
So I am looking for someone that is in the primary relationship and is mono. Looking to find out how you cope/deal with the day to day things. Your partner going off to spend the night with her lover, her coming home to you after a hot date and being wet and ready to go, ....etc. How do you deal with these things? Do you have boundaries set? Is she receptive to your opinions and feelings on the secondary relationship? Anything at this point would be good to know. Thanks ahead of time for any of the help.
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Old 08-24-2011, 05:45 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Allstar, each person will deal with it differently. Some monos might feel jealous when their wife comes home "from a hot date, wet and ready to go." Others might feel turned on to have her in such a state, and happy to make the most of it.

Kind of like with say, her going to see a rom com with her gfs, getting turned on and then coming to you. Or reading some erotica, or seeing something else sexual. Or it being her ovulation time and she's ready to fuck anything that moves...

All her desire will not come directly from you. Other things, and people, will turn her on. There are hot sexy desirable people all over the place.

I get the idea you are feeling in a desperate hurry to get this all figured out before you deploy. You may have pressured her into letting you call her "girlfriend" (after only 4 months, and with her already having another lover), and wanting some sense of security she'll still be there for you when you get back.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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Old 08-24-2011, 06:44 PM
Allstar Allstar is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 67

Actually I have the confidence that she will be there for me when I get back. Right now I am just trying to calm myself down and learn what to expect and how to handle it. I know everyone is different but I can learn from everyone. I have done a lot since being on here. I mean I was exetremly calm this weekend with no worries just wanting to see her.
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Old 08-24-2011, 08:58 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I agree with magdlyn....the list of variables is too long. Day to day stuff wont be as big a problem if you don't live together and she is in LDR with the other guy.

Coming home from a hot date "wet and ready to go " doesn't necessarily translate into her wanting you.... and I would go a step farther than Magdlyn and say some may be turned on and others ...repulsed or turned off...not just jealous.

Read my thread sloppy seconds .....I'm kidding last week sage brought this up and I made the joke it would be a good thread title.... Sorry.

Day to day stuff that bothered me ...not remembering what she told one or the other ..... scheduling time with my so called partner ....like booking a conference room. I felt she did things out of obligation and not true desire .....being there but mind and heart not being there. But being the new guy none of this type stuff would really apply.

Why is it so important to be the primary? Whats special about that for you? She clearly isn't or wasn't in a rush to make the declaration....what was her resistance.....perhaps too much structure.
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Old 08-24-2011, 10:12 PM
Allstar Allstar is offline
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Posts: 67

It was more or less the way she would tell me one thing when we were alone then how I would feel when we were out around friends and it would seen much more casual. We were talking about of futures and things we want, how the other would fit in. So at that point I decided that this would be a step in the right direction. I couldn't handle talking like this then getting out and hearing oh this is the guy I am seeing. I know when I used that before it was because I wasn't into the person I am with. Also it is starting to get up there in time, it will be 6 months by time I leave and almost a year by time I am back. Did deployments before where everything was up in the air. Almost didn't come back. Gotta have your head on right. Reasons why she held off for so long was because she wanted to make sure I understood what it meant in a poly sense and also she doesn't really like placing those titles on relationships. During that time she would tell me, "I am as committed as I can be to you. I want to be with you, I care for you, I am falling for you, I will be torn apart if you leave, I just can't commit to you as you would expect in a mono sense". After talking about it, this meant the same thing. She just didn't want me to be thinking in a mono sense of the words boyfriend/girlfriend. I know he is LDR, but there is a always a chance that things change and she finds someone closer and I have to learn to deal. I like to hear peoples stories and what they went through. I have an extremely vivid imagination. My dreams are life like to the point of hearing voices, tastes, smells...etc Yes I know these are really just sensors in my mind firing but like I said. Life like. I also know that if I concentrate at the end of the night on a story I have read, I can live it in my dreams. It allows me to to gauge reactions, then when I wake up I can go through it again in my mind and start to break things down and learn what I need to do to limit my reactions. I know this is strange but it helps.

Last edited by Allstar; 08-24-2011 at 10:57 PM.
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Old 08-25-2011, 06:22 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

I got similar coping skills; just like you I can manipulate what I dream about and I tend to worry too much. When all the confusion about poly was fresh I didn't sleep much because I was so scared what the reaction of my husband could be and I experienced every possible kind in my dreams night per night. I still tend to worry too much and cause problems with this.

I searched this side to find stories about people in a similar situation to mine and some of them weren't promising and cause me to worry even more. Sometimes I need to remind myself that every situation is unique and that I shouldn't worry this much. But it really helps to 'feel prepared'. When I read about all the pitfalls and other issues to look out for I kind of mark it off and say to myself "OK, keep that in mind if there ever is a sign of a situation like that aproaching."

So keep on with your search, I know it helps, but bear in mind not to live your dreams too vividly imagining the saddest stories you will hear. It may be too much stressing about a thing that will never apply to you.

Wishing you all the best.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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