Division in the poly community

[Chimera]

Originally Posted by nycindie

A poly tribe of 20 people all involved with each other could be poly-fi, and that is definitely nowehere near monogamous! Just sayin'.

So true

I suppose what i was trying to say is that it's interesting how our own perceptions shape how we understand and categorize different practices. I think poly as a term has to be somewhat fluid.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by redpepper

So, non-monogamy is more the umbrella term than poly then? Sometimes I hear that polyamory is an umbrella term for anything between swinging and poly fi. It seems that poly is more on the latter end maybe and all of it ia non-monogamy.

"Nonmonogamy" refers to all forms of nonmonogamy. Swinging, open relationships, and polyamory are all forms of nonmonogamy. Polyfidelity is a subset of polyamory.

[booklady78]

I'm quite enjoying this thread, very interesting stuff!

I think "poly" is a convenient term as it's the word many of us put out there, specifically "polyamory". In truth, I think a more simplified definition is "non-monogamy". Perhaps we are reluctant to use this definition as it can be associated with mono folks as swinging, cheating, fucking everything that movies, etc.

Our desire to be included with our heterosexual, monogamous brethren means many poly folks will strive to point out similarities between their lives and mono lives. Poly folks have jobs, children, spouses, pay taxes, etc. just like their neighbours. May I suggest that any divide between parents and child-free poly groups is that child-free folks can be viewed as those deviant, fuck-everything-that-moves types because if you aren't in a relationship to produce offspring, then your relationship is based purely on sex, right? (I'm being sarcastic by the way...) This is a very broad generalization and by no means intended to offend anyone. It's based on my own personal experiences with my own child-free status, coupled with being poly, I've had certain people question why I choose to be legally married.

The comparison that comes to mind is the reluctance of some of the gay community to accept bisexuality. There are gay folks out there, for whatever reason, who do not readily accept bisexuality. Lets not forget a few of the ignorant heterosexual crowd who believe bisexuals are just "confused" and haven't made up their minds yet. The community strives for acceptance because they still face a great deal of prejudice. Showing the world how "normal" they are perhaps means rejecting some of the variation that comes with sexual identity. It's sad really and I don't know what the solution is.

Poly is a big word really, with so many variations. I enjoy being able to openly discuss my partners with fellow poly folk and have attended some get togethers. The sense of "community" is nice to have, but in all honesty it's tolerance from my greater community that I would appreciate more. The day when being poly isn't viewed as something deviant, freakish, a source for gossip, and cause for judgment, would be a welcome day indeed.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by booklady78

I think "poly" is a convenient term as it's the word many of us put out there, specifically "polyamory". In truth, I think a more simplified definition is "non-monogamy".

"Nonmonogamy" refers to all forms of nonmonogamy. Swinging, open relationships, and polyamory are all forms of nonmonogamy.

[BlackUnicorn]

Divisions I have noticed first hand;

1) Poly vs. "open", or more specifically, "open to sex outside the primary pair bond", not open to having more than one relationship at a time (secondary or otherwise).

2) Interestingly enough, married folks vs. co-habiting folks. Specifically, some people who are co-habiting have little understanding towards poly folks co-habiting and deciding to marry despite having other relationships.

3) People with children and people who hate/fear children .

[booklady78]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

"Nonmonogamy" refers to all forms of nonmonogamy. Swinging, open relationships, and polyamory are all forms of nonmonogamy.

To clarify, I believe the term "poly" is not unlike "non-monogamy". Polyamory is typically viewed as the "multiple committed, loving relationships" while just "poly" in itself can include different relationship types. It is my own personal belief that poly is responsible non-monogamy, which includes polyamory, polyfidelity, swinging, friends with benefits, etc. I guess it can make it difficult to form a community when there are poly folks who don't want to be lumped in with swingers, etc. I don't want to get overly hung up on defining what poly is and isn't. I don't expect people to agree with my views of poly or non-monogamy, or whatever.

[nycindie]

Saying "poly" is just a shortened version, or diminutive, as it were, of the word polyamory. It's a lazy nickname. It doesn't change the meaning to say poly rather than the entire word.

Non-monogamy means any relationship that is not monogamous. That includes cheating, swinging, and polyamory ("poly" for short). There are clear differences between all of them, but non-monogamy is the umbrella term, for sure.

[River]

Polyamory differs from various other forms of non-monogamy in that it explicitly emphasizes loving relationships, as contrasted with sex and sexuality. This distinguishes poly relationships from "f**kbuddies" and most which go by the term "friends with benefits," as well as "casual" ... "one night stands".

Most poly folk are not happy to have the term "polyamory" eroded or degraded to mean just anything anyone wants to use this term for.

[booklady78]

Originally Posted by River

Polyamory differs from various other forms of non-monogamy in that it explicitly emphasizes loving relationships, as contrasted with sex and sexuality. This distinguishes poly relationships from "f**kbuddies" and most which go by the term "friends with benefits," as well as "casual" ... "one night stands".

Most poly folk are not happy to have the term "polyamory" eroded or degraded to mean just anything anyone wants to use this term for.

I'm not sure I agree that most poly folk would feel that the term is eroded or degraded by including other forms of responsible non-monogamy. I find it really very sad that anyone would feel their community is at all degraded by including people with differences into it.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by booklady78

I'm not sure I agree that most poly folk would feel that the term is eroded or degraded by including other forms of responsible non-monogamy. I find it really very sad that anyone would feel their community is at all degraded by including people with differences into it.

No one is saying that the poly community is degraded by its differences, nor that people can't be poly and ALSO engage in other types of liaisons. You can be poly AND open AND swinging AND whatever, but that does not negate the fact that polyamory is a subset of non-monogamy just like those others are, and is distinctly different from them (in that its focus is on loving relationships and the others focus on sex). Just because people include other activities in their lives does not change the meaning of a word. And using the word polyamory to represent whatever one wants it to, does erode its meaning, plain and simple.

What would probably be better for the poly "community" is to stop trying to change the word or invent new ones, because people out there who are just learning about it will be confused. It only prevents poly from being more accepted when it's not clear what it is.