Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 08-20-2011, 01:52 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,216
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post

Done with poly.
Sorry you feel used and hurt.

"Poly" is not only unicorn hunters and 3way sex triads. Poly is about loving more than one person romantically. Doing a triad or quad is the hardest way to do poly. Most people just date others that aren't couples. I mean they might date a partnered poly guy, but not his primary partner as well.

For example:

I've got a primary gf, miss pixi. I date guys, looking for a bf. (Well, taking a break for now, but...)

miss pixi has a bf, M, and M has a primary gf, LC. My gf and I live together (parttime), M lives with his primary, LC. See? Clear as mud. I'm friends with M and LC, but not lovers.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 08-20-2011 at 02:03 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 08-20-2011, 03:05 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by peabean View Post
...I think one thing that throws many couples for a loop when trying to form a triad is that their relationship will need to change too. If you want something long term with a third person all relationships must evolve, including the original relationship...
I agree with peabean having been one of those people trying to fit in with an established couple. In our case it wasn't a triad per se. He was the hinge. He and I were heterosexual and she was bi. She and I were friends, but nothing more. I had never heard of poly prior to meeting him. As I look back I realize that I was the one doing most of the changing and adapting to the situation. I tried to be flexible because they were raising her 8 year old son, and someone's childhood shouldn't be put on hold for adult relationships.

Now I can clearly see, however, that they did very little to change their relationship dynamics to try and accommodate me and my wants/needs. As long as I was willing/able to go along and fit in with their plans, their home, their friends and family, I was welcome to join them. (I joined them in their extended family events, couples events, and he and I would take her son along with us to do things when she had to work. I even watched her son one day when they both had to work.) But, I wasn't included in the decision making process prior to any plans being made. When I brought this to their attention all of a sudden I was being too needy and jealous....and our relationship wasn't "fun" anymore. I left the relationship and I honestly don't think I was missed much at all. I would be very hesitant to try another poly relationship. It's too much work from where I stand.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 08-20-2011 at 03:11 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 08-20-2011, 06:22 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,205
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
I would be very hesitant to try another poly relationship. It's too much work from where I stand.
But not all poly relationships are a "couple plus one." The good thing about poly is that you really can create what you want in relationships, and in a myriad number of possible configurations. The biggest mistake I keep seeing is when people go along with what others want, against their own wants, needs, desires, and especially against their own better judgment.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 08-20-2011, 12:14 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 66
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The biggest mistake I keep seeing is when people go along with what others want, against their own wants, needs, desires, and especially against their own better judgment.
Yes, and this applies to any relationship, poly or not. I have never been into swinging and would absolutely not get involved in that scene. I just know it's not what I want and that's okay.

It's not poly that's the issue, it's the people involved and how they're treating you. Although tbh, poly does add another layer of problems for many people. With mono relationships, you can be open (esp. if you're straight) and not worry about people's reactions. It's a model that people can copy, there's a road map. Unlike poly, which means that often people first come into poly/open relationships via another person and can think that the version they're practicing it the only one. It can be more complicated in terms of scheduling.

But, there are some upsides that can include for me no having to squash feelings/desires, less guilt, more love and sex, more communication and honesty. I've gone through periods of just my partner when I've been feeling overwhelmed with other things, but it didn't mean I suddenly became mono.
__________________
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."James Baldwin
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 08-21-2011, 04:40 AM
openbj's Avatar
openbj openbj is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: OK, USA (but our hearts remain in TX)
Posts: 102
Default

Sorry, but I think it's sad that you blame poly for this. You were given great advice on here. But, you refused to tell them where you stand and what you're feeling. They're not mind readers!! You have to express yourself, not just here on the forum, but to the people involved. It's actually kind of arrogant of you to just blow them off without explaining to them what you need and seeing where it goes from there. At this point, it's not their fault that it didn't work out, but yours for not being honest with them.

I would venture to say that you weren't really all that into this in the first place and your complaints just make a useful excuse to put the blame on them instead of looking at yourself and your lack of action and communication.

You've got a lot to figure out about yourself before you get into any other relationships (mono or poly). If you can't communicate, it's not going to matter who you're with, it's going to fail.
__________________
Married 12 1/2 years. Female. Straight. New to poly.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 08-21-2011, 05:22 AM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Default

I'm not going to open myself up further and make myself vulnerable to people who quite obviously don't care. I'm not stupid or a glutton for punishment and rejection. I already feel like enough of a fool without drawing attention to all of my needs and concerns.

I don't blame poly but I do blame them. I'm not angry...it was kind of silly for me to be so optimistic in the first place. It wasn't a good idea...but I took their invitation for what I wanted it to be and forgot how different this scenario is from what the norm has been in my life. I should have been more guarded.

I appreciate all of the valuable advice I got here. It helped me work through my confusion. I am very, very new at this and naturally had some questions, to which I got answers.

These people are decent, but we just weren't on the same page And I do feel like they took advantage of my inexperience a little. They didn't want a girlfriend...they wanted a sex toy. No problem with that until they mislead me, then feelings were hurt and yeah, my walls went up.

I won't be trying it again anytime soon but that's just what I think is best.
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 08-21-2011, 05:29 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,205
Default

So, after going over there, taking, and seeing their true colors, did you then break it off?

So sorry it didn't work out for you. I'm sure it will be valuable as a learning experience, after you have a little distance from the disappointment you're feeling right now. If a poly situation presents itself to you again, now you know how important communication is and to ask as many explicit, hard questions you can think of before getting involved.

All the best to you for future relationships! There's still a lot to be learned about communication and relationships in general on this board, so I hope you won't be a total stranger.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 08-21-2011, 06:01 AM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Default

No, there was no official breaking it off. I think it will Just fizzle without my enthusiasm.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 08-21-2011, 06:06 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,205
Default

So, you haven't told them why you are disappointed, upset, etc.? Might be a good idea to let them know, for both your sake (it feels good to stand up for oneself) and theirs (so they know where they went wrong). Just letting it fizzle out is an option, but no one really learns from that.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 08-21-2011, 01:58 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Default

I don't feel a need to have a conversation about it. I am at peace with it. And I don't think this is really going to affect them like that. It'll be onto the next one.

I mentioned before that she ignores my attempts to talk about anything serious or really anything not about sex and that's another reason I'm just letting it go. It makes me feel silly and insignificant.

I guess I also feel like since they have each other and their primary, most important relationship is still intact, they will be fine and it won't be a loss. I am the loner here.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
lessons, negotiating, respect, triad, triads, unicorn, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:25 PM.