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  #31  
Old 08-19-2011, 01:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
Is it fair for me to expect or want to be allowed to have sex with someone else's husband? Up until now the answer would have always been no.
If you're his girlfriend, it certainly would be fair!
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  #32  
Old 08-19-2011, 02:00 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
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?
Idk.

Things went OK last night but I am really beginning to think that this is just a fun sexual game for them and I am just not cut out for it (too vulnerable, too insecure, too young). I don't think I can do it and I don't think they care.

It really hit me today that she is literally calling ALL the shots. And I think she is hampering any real emotional growth or bonding. When I dirty text her, she is all about it, but if I express something more meaningful or serious, she flat out ignores me. Like this morning I told her that if she wanted us all to take a break from the sexual stuff until she could participate (seems unfair to her) that we could do that. No response whatsoever. Just ignored it, and I was being thoughtful.

You know what sucks? Up until the girlfriend thing, I was fine with just sex and was having fun. Now I am hurt. I didn't think this would hurt.

I asked them last night if they were seeing other girls and they both said, "no not right now." As if they could be soon or want to or might. And I'm not allowed to date or fuck anyone

First poly experience=fail.
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  #33  
Old 08-19-2011, 02:26 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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That's just sucky.

Maybe instead of a fail, you can look at it like a growth experience. You figured out that there are things YOU need in a relationship (any relationship), silly things like communication, honesty and RESPECT. This information is good stuff... and will serve you well in the future whether you end up in a monogamous relationship or not.

And learning what you HAVE to have, what you need and how to stand up for yourself and communicate that to a partner will do you well, too.
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  #34  
Old 08-19-2011, 02:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Maybe instead of a fail, you can look at it like a growth experience.
I wholeheartedly agree with that. No one gets it just right from the start. We've been open with my b/f all and all for almost a year and we're STILL working stuff out. My first time with poly too and it's quite a learning curve.

Don't be discouraged, Cranberry, not everyone is as controlling as your g/f. Their relationship sounds a bit odd to me...
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  #35  
Old 08-19-2011, 03:38 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
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I am beginning to feel like an object. Like literally like a thing...empty and hollow and cheap. Its starting to eat away at me
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  #36  
Old 08-19-2011, 03:46 PM
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So break up with them. What will you be losing? Something that makes you feel bad and is going nowhere. OR decide it's worth it to you to be brave enough to lay this all out to them and see what they say. Worst case scenario your fears get confirmed and you can leave with a clear conscience. Better to know and face it than to torture yourself with questions. But seriously, it's ok to just leave. People break up with other people all the time, you can cry it out and get over it and move on.
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  #37  
Old 08-19-2011, 08:25 PM
CranberryStardust CranberryStardust is offline
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I am rather sad to say I am pretty turned off to the idea of polyamory now. I can see how the primary relationship and people involved in it might be interested And benefit, but anyone else outside of that is just in a risky, less secure position


I am disappointed. I know I've been told to stop referring to "poly people", but I stupidly thought that it would be a different experience than those I have had in the monogamous dating world. It didn't occur to me that a couple could use me just as casually and flippantly as a single dude.

I am really starting to get pissy about her. She started this and he and I both enjoy it, but she is blocking and I feel like ruining it, but not even ina direct manner That I feel I can respond to. I wish I could talk to him but oh well.

Done with poly.
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  #38  
Old 08-19-2011, 09:43 PM
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I'm totally relating to your experience cranberry. I have had similar ones. It isn't poly (check out my blog and the poly vignettes thread) its certain people. I have completely abandoned sport sex (swinging, casual sex) as a result and am sticking with what works.

I hope you find something real. Don't waste another moment giving them your energy, body and spirit. I think you would do better searching out other options. Chalk this up to experience and learning what you don't want. The more experience, the better set up you will be for the real thing.
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  #39  
Old 08-19-2011, 10:06 PM
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Relationships are inherently risky. If you were on the primary side you could just as easily say that the secondary gets to have all the fun and be the special one, while you are potentially risking your partnership/marriage by letting someone from the outside in. Relationships are not about avoiding risk, they're about enjoying human connection, whether it's mono or poly.

I'm sorry you got hurt but I bet you'd be singing a different tune if you'd happen to meet different people. I mean, you just called out single guys for being potential users. Does that mean you're done with monogamy too? I'm not trying to tell you what's right for you, just pointing out that your logic is pretty dang flawed.

You mentioned earlier that you're young and insecure. That's normal and, to be frank, it shows. You posted your first post below yesterday and now, after a single day of this new situation, instead of just being straightforward and asking your partners the questions you've been pondering here, you're talking about ruining things in an indirect manner, which sounds kinda sneaky and creepy.

Just be honest. Wouldn't you want that from them? Or, if you can't handle it all, just leave in a peaceful manner. It's true that mono relationships are generally simpler, which is good for someone with a lot of insecurity. But you'll find wonderful people and crappy people in both styles of relationships, and you *always* take the risk of being burned.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 08-19-2011 at 10:09 PM.
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  #40  
Old 08-19-2011, 10:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CranberryStardust View Post
I am rather sad to say I am pretty turned off to the idea of polyamory now.
As I said in my earlier post, I really don't see what this couple is doing as poly. They are swingers just looking to get a commitment to be able to play with a sex partner whenever they want and they had the balls to call it polyamory, although there are obviously no tender feelings coming from them. Don't be discouraged if you have another opportunity for a real poly situation. Now you know what to look for -- poly is about the love, not the sex! You build on a poly relationship just the same as you would a mono one -- on a foundation of respect, caring, and consideration. Sex is part, but not all, of a relationship.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-19-2011 at 10:30 PM.
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