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  #61  
Old 08-31-2011, 06:08 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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I know that nauseous jealous feeling. Sorry you are feeling it. It sucks.

Dude, your husband is not being considerate. Does he want to leave you for this new woman?! Would it kill him to call and say, "Oh, hi, honey, I'm actually stopping off to see whatsername on my way home. Call you when I'm heading back? Do you need anything from the store?"

If you have to call before and after you see your other partner, why would it occur to him that that rule wouldn't apply to him? What does he have to say for himself?

I can see this is also making you re-examine how you acted with your new partner in that NRE stage, and that now you're thinking you may have neglected your husband more than you think. Have you talked about that with Sundance?

I hope I'm not similarly neglecting my husband the way Sundance seems to be neglecting you. He says he feels fine, but it's hard to believe that sometimes.
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  #62  
Old 08-31-2011, 06:10 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Carma, I don't think anyone would blame you if you said bingo, or if you decided to just be mono to save the marriage at this point. But you and Sundance would still have to live with the way he's treated this poor woman and you. You keep focusing here on your "selfishness", which seems entirely a reaction to his double standards (love is ok from his gf but not your bf), lack of respect for your boundaries (not following his own rules for calling, lying to you about their communications, etc), and his cruel lack of respect for her (I don't think I even need to begin with that one). It seems to me like if he was behaving responsibly, jealousy would be a far more minor issue for you.

Maybe he can't be responsibly poly, maybe it's go mono or divorce at this point, because I don't know how either of you can live with what he's doing. Just so, so wrong. I know you know that and I'm sorry for being so harsh, but this whole situation is just so upsetting... I really feel for Barbie.
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  #63  
Old 08-31-2011, 06:19 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I guess instead of bingo, a gentler ultimatum could be "Tell her the truth by the end of the week and, if she wants to continue things, set up a time for us to meet within a month max. Otherwise, bingo, right now."

I think that lack of honesty is a good "hard limit."
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  #64  
Old 08-31-2011, 06:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Carma, I second what Annabel and Michelle said and want to add that all this self-blaming you're doing has got to stop! I am certain that you did not neglect Sundance for years. I am certain that love happened between you and Butch when it was meant to. I am certain that you did nothing for him to be behaving this way. Sundance seems to be acting out some unexpressed anger here. This is not your fault, but dammit woman, you need to put your foot down and let him know how hurtful and unacceptable his behavior is! Sundance is being rather cruel to both of you. Stop saying it's your fault! You two need to work together on this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I guess instead of bingo, a gentler ultimatum could be "Tell her the truth by the end of the week and, if she wants to continue things, set up a time for us to meet within a month max. Otherwise, bingo, right now."

I think that lack of honesty is a good "hard limit."
Beautiful. Or just contact and invite her yourself. Why wait for him to do it?

Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-31-2011 at 09:44 PM.
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  #65  
Old 08-31-2011, 06:36 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Beautiful. Or just contact and invite her yourself. Why wait for him to do it?

Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
I was thinking the same thing. Tell him he needs to tell her what's going on and have you guys meet in the next week, or YOU will.

And yes, stop putting this all on yourself. The way he is treating you and her has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him. Maybe it's because he's hurt, whatever-- you can be hurt without then hurting others, people do it every day.

Can you imagine how hurt she'll be finding out you KNEW he was going over to see her in the a.m. before work, that he told you about his times with her... and she didnt' know this?! Seriously... this situation is completely fucked up and unfair to both of you (you and Barbie). Butch needs to get his head out of his ass ...
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  #66  
Old 08-31-2011, 07:17 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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In addition to Nre drunk ...he could be a little power drunk too. It may not occur to him rules he had as a struggling mono need to be followed for the poly partner...not the same issues.....different mind set and all that.

I don't think it would be to smart to get into ultimatum land....bad reactions happen....but clearly what do I know.

Last edited by dingedheart; 08-31-2011 at 10:08 PM.
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  #67  
Old 08-31-2011, 10:01 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I did NOT name Butch's. HONEST. (But yes, I was tempted to!) Wow -- now I realize how much that might have hurt Sundance, had he found out. It seemed like something juvenile to do with Butch -- he's just not the cutesy little nickname type.

More later.
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  #68  
Old 08-31-2011, 10:06 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Carma, after I wrote my last post, I went to lay down. I was tired and dozed off... started dreaming. Clearly my dream was influenced by your story/this thread.

In the dream, I was inside an apartment with my boyfriend - it was my former lover Dreamy, but we were still lovers in the dream. My husband was on the other side of the apartment door, in some exterior hallway that connected to another apartment. My boyfriend Dreamy and I had to be really quiet, while my husband was out there laughing and having a good time with his girlfriend. In real life, we're divorcing, so clearly he represents a new stage in my life. I could hear them and was jealous. Then he knocks on my door to flaunt her in front of me, introduces her, but I can't say who I am, and Dreamy is lurking quietly in the background. She makes some comments that clearly illustrate she's clueless about me, and my husband is gloating. I interrupt her babbling to say, "I can't talk right now," and shut the door in their faces. At that point, I was spitting mad! I then grab this artisan pottery, which my husband and I bought one year when we were on vacation, off the shelf. This piece has sentimental value to me in real life, but in the dream, I hurled it at the floor, near the door, because I wanted my husband to hear it break.

It bounces, with just a chip on its front. This makes me even sadder. I hurl it again and again and it doesn't shatter, just keeps bouncing! Futile. I am then so upset that I've damaged the pottery instead of breaking it. Hubs and his GF are still outside laughing and aren't aware of how angry and hurt I am, or even that the pottery's been thrown around. Then I woke up.

Now, I won't profess to say that the interior workings of my mind are all about you, but clearly it was about not communicating, anger, sadness, finding oneself in a new position in life, and the ramifications of choosing to hurt (blame) oneself (the pottery) rather than telling it like it is. Maybe sharing that will help you in some way?
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-31-2011 at 10:11 PM.
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  #69  
Old 08-31-2011, 11:46 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Thank you for pointing out that I am blaming myself for EVERYTHING. It's true. I am taking it all on -- it feels like I brought this all on myself, and I deserve it, for the shit I put Sundance through.

I've been journaling a lot, I'll try to formulate some things later. Kids all over the place today and all demanding something! Thanks for all the insight, everyone. nyc, the dream gave me food for thought -- THANKS.
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  #70  
Old 09-01-2011, 02:49 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Yesterday was awful! My god, I can be a total basket case. I am NOT good with this side of poly, at all! I told Sundance if he'd been the first to cheat, I couldn't have taken it. But of course, he would have NEVER cheated on me. He only started up with this girl because I was pushing it. I had hurt him, I felt bad and wanted him to find some happiness to balance things out, and he felt bad because his ego was wounded.

We came to poly from totally different places.

A new idea came to me in regards to it all. We are a team. If I love someone, Sundance will learn to love them too. Which he has. He cares for Butch Cassidy (just like in the movie ) almost as deeply as I do, and that is when our arrangement works best. Also there is a deep respect coming our way from Butch, as well, for each of us as individuals AND for our marriage.

Now with Sundance and Barbie, there are some blocks. For one thing, Sundance is not falling in love with her. He says he never will, actually. I have mixed emotions on that. I think he shouldn't be so sure, since SHE is in love with HIM, and she could endear herself. One day he could be hit by an arrow, totally by surprise. It happened to ME! I never expected to fall for another man, not ever, and one day, Butch and I held each other's gaze just a second too long and BOOM.

If he falls in love with her, I will devote myself to loving her, too, the same way Sundance has come to love Butch. I will do this for Sun, for me, for her, for all of us.

But as many people here have pointed out, I can't deny Barbie's feelings for Sundance much longer. And he's not going to be able to either. He has told her ALMOST everything..... That he will never divorce me, that he is staying with me and the kids no matter what, that he loves me. He tells her we are affectionate, but he has danced around (i.e. lied) about our sex life. I think she is getting the idea that we are a team, and that if she's going to be a part of his life, she's going to eventually be a part of mine. She and I may be cool with that, but there are a few things to consider. I don't think Sundance is into her that much, as far as joining lives. He either needed a fuck buddy, straight up, or a flirt buddy to be silly with but not serious. I think he is having a hard time figuring out what he wants and what he can handle. Understandable. The other big factor is, she and I have not met! (I know, nyc, you say have her over for dinner and get it over with already! Ha!) I think Sundance is unsure if he wants that to happen, because he is not sure he wants her in our life. And it will be interesting. What if I don't like her?! I am willing to open my heart, but only if SUNDANCE is! I think he's kinda afraid that she and I will hit if off, then he'll be stuck with her!

It is funny -- when Butch and Sundance go out together, I have a teeny little (immature, I know) feeling of being left out. Maybe Sundance is afraid of Barbie and I teaming up, and leaving HIM out.

Complex stuff.

At least for today, I'm not running around doing my Chicken Little routine. (Well, so far anyway -- the day is young! )
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