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  #51  
Old 08-29-2011, 06:27 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Yes, we have talked about his deception. Sundance said he is hoping to ease her into the truth, eventually. We are a little unsure where that will lead, you know, it adds another dimension to it all -- she and I will have a relationship, too. Makes it more complicated, makes it more "poly," when Sundance is not so sure how he feels about poly to begin with. He goes back and forth. Sometimes he is really ok with Butch and me, and our arrangement. Sometimes we are sooooo on the same page, caring for Butch, Sundance truly loving him as a best friend and glad to help him in this rough time in his life (possibly the limited time he has left in this life, as he has a very serious heart condition). But then other times his ego simply goes into a freak out. NOW, I get that!!!!!

MZ, you said:
"I guess I'm asking: is it his affectionate manner really what's bothering you, or is it something else? Are you worried he is lying to you about the intent of his relationship with her? Are you feeling regretful that you and your boyfriend don't interact with that same affection?"

Sometimes (usually) I am very secure in his dedication to me, his love for me, I mean, I feel super solid. But it can flip so easily, when my mind starts playing tricks on me. I start getting all suspicious. I shouldn't. I REALLY believe he loves me, with all his heart. What really nags at me? Is that he is going to believe SHE loves him more than I do. Because it is easy to get someone to look at you like you're a god, when they only see you at your best and they hang on your pretty words like they are gospel!

More later -- kids to transport!
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  #52  
Old 08-29-2011, 08:23 PM
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Am I regretful that Butch and I don't interact with the same affection?

Yes. And no. The romantic girly in me wants it, yes. But Sundance really is great like that. He is great with words and saying lovely things that make me feel special and adored. Do I have to get all greedy?!?

Butch is so respectful of his place in my life. He would never want to compete with Sundance, would never take advantage of an opportunity to "trump" him in a weak moment. If I cry on his shoulder (which I RARELY do) over some little hurt or slight from Sundance, Butch is the first one helping me see Sundance's side! He is truly on the team.

Butch is also very choosy about the words that come out of his mouth. He processes things first. He thinks everything through. At times this is great, but at other times I wish he'd just blurt something out in the heat of passion or an emotional surge! He is reserved -- more so than I am, or Sundance either. I have to work to understand this, and not take it personally. It can lead me to wonder -- is he using restraint, or does he just not really care about me all that much? Is he a damn machine or something???

Butch won't say things that would result with me getting fruity and showing up on his front porch, ready to run off with him. I think he realizes the dangers of NRE, of the fact that it is so easy to get disillusioned with someone you only see in limited doses. I try to always remember this, too. He knows that just because Sundance may let me down once in awhile, or disappoint me, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me and want our marriage to work. It doesn't mean that I'd be better off running to Butch -- we'd have our own set of problems and, frankly, they'd be horrible!

Sundance stopped at Barbie's house on his way to work this morning for a quickie. I was ok with this, and told him so when he left today. I feel good about it -- it was sex, it seems like it was more light and fun than all the sweet nothings he's been texting her. He called me right after, so I feel great he was being upfront. I also feel great that he felt open enough to BE upfront!

NYCin, thanks so much for your kind words of reassurance, in my love for Butch. He is a wonderful person and I can't blame myself for falling in love with him! Anyone would! Even Sundance understands. I have two terrific men in my life. Who knows? Maybe someday I will have a girl friend who shares my love for Sundance in a special way, too.

It's a good day in polyworld for me.
(Stay tuned, this too shall pass, haha!)
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  #53  
Old 08-29-2011, 09:33 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Carma, thank you so much for this post! I feel very similar feelings about Sven and how reserved we are with each other.

Sven has had a lot of girlfriends and a lot of breakups in his life, and I think in general is just slower to say the romantic things--even if I were in a "real" relationship with him. I'm so different, since I met the man I married at 19 and 8 years later, we're still together. I've had only open communication and an unreserved airing of all my feelings to my romantic partner, and I'm used to it that way. It has been weird to hold back with Sven.

It's great you get all the romantic moments with Sundance! What a charmer.

It's a good idea that you don't cry on Butch's shoulder about Sundance too often. I have the same policy. I have never brought up any problem I've had with my husband with Sven. I don't want him getting the impression that I'm with him to fill some need my husband isn't fulfilling, or that I'm unhappy with my husband. I'm not, and our little marital things are not Sven's business. Or at least, that's how it's been going so far.

I hope Butch blurts out something in the heat of passion too, sometime, just for fun. Sven has said one or two things in the heat of... alcohol. The little scraps I get from him melt my heart.

Sooooo glad Sundance called you after his quickie!!! That makes all the difference, doesn't it? It's the secret-keeping that makes it hard to bear.
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  #54  
Old 08-29-2011, 10:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
Yes, we have talked about his deception. Sundance said he is hoping to ease her into the truth, eventually. We are a little unsure where that will lead, you know, it adds another dimension to it all -- she and I will have a relationship, too. Makes it more complicated, makes it more "poly," when Sundance is not so sure how he feels about poly to begin with. He goes back and forth.
Stop worrying about whether he is poly or not, and just invite Barbie over for dinner with all of you already!
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  #55  
Old 08-30-2011, 12:15 AM
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NYC, I wish YOU could come over for dinner! I love you!!!

And MZ, I feel we are kindred spirits, too!
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  #56  
Old 08-30-2011, 12:24 AM
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Tee-hee, I knew you'd like that. Love you, too!
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  #57  
Old 08-31-2011, 05:10 PM
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I was ok with the quickie. Maybe because I knew it might happen, and we had talked about it. But yesterday, he met her after work and I never saw it coming. I called him and he didn't answer. Then he called back about 15 minutes later and told me they had met up, that she had begged him to meet her in a parking lot just for a little bit... The emotional upheaval was incredible! First, instant erotic excitement, then an adrenaline rush, then an overwhelming feeling like I was going to throw up.

We had been talking about it earlier in the day, how I think it's a hoot he got a booty call, he's such a stud, etc. It doesn't bother me as much when I know about it beforehand, but after the fact, it stings. (As Sundance well knows -- he set up the policy that I call him before and after I meet Butch!)

He talks on the phone with her at night when I am at work, then in the morning on his way to work. Then today, she came into his office. And they have set a date for Friday night. She has a "special gift" to give him (his birthday is Sunday).

For a girl who doesn't mean that much to him, he is sure spending a lot of his time with her.

He says SHE is the one with the NRE, and he makes it sound like he's just going along with her, so he can keep her on the side, to balance things out because of my relationship with Butch. He says if I say "bingo" he'll end it with her -- but "bingo" was the word THEY established, if either of THEM wanted to end their relationship! They set up cute nicknames for things. She has even nicknamed his penis! He and I already HAD a nickname for it, but now sometimes he accidentally calls it by the name she gave it! Okay, I am fucking JEALOUS!!!

Do marriages ever just go back to being monogamous, after full-fledged poly??

The way Butch keeps everything inside, never tells me he loves me, always acts like it's better not to talk about things...... I am starting to question what the hell I am doing here! Sundance has gone to the arms of another woman, all because of my inability to resolve things with Butch sooner. I love Butch, but he does not love me and has no intention of having a future with me. I figured it could all be one way, that was ok with me. But I stand to lose a LOT here. Is it selfish of me to stop and think that??? Is it selfish of me to want to keep my husband, after years of taking him for granted??? Am I just seeing him through HER eyes, have I been so blind????

It's like Sundance was a beautiful toy I had on a shelf, and I didn't realize how precious he was to me until someone else wanted to play with him.

But I know people aren't possessions. I sure didn't want to be one. Am I such a fucking hypocrite??? (That's a song, I think )

I don't know how to hold on, I don't know how to let go, or if I even should...

Tough moment in polyworld, once again.
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  #58  
Old 08-31-2011, 05:12 PM
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Seriously. She re-nicknamed his penis.
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  #59  
Old 08-31-2011, 05:13 PM
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Would I rather have her use the nickname WE had? Well NO! I just wish she hadn't named it at all! Grrr, jealous!
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  #60  
Old 08-31-2011, 05:42 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Is the new nickname funnier or more cute than the old penis nickname? She might like making up nicknames and is just good at it. Did you name butch's penis......tell the truth?
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