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  #351  
Old 11-29-2011, 09:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh Carma, I'm sorry to hear things have gotten worse and that you are feeling sad and scared. Don't blame poly, though. I think at some point you might feel that it was one of the things that helped you see what was already going in your marriage. I hope you're still getting support wherever you can in the real world, but you know you always have us in the virtual world. You can PM me if you don't feel like posting publicly.

Hang in there, sweetie!
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  #352  
Old 11-29-2011, 10:10 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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((HUGS))

Sorry sweets. It's a hard process I know...
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  #353  
Old 11-29-2011, 10:42 PM
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*hugs*
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  #354  
Old 11-30-2011, 03:07 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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A BIG hug, Carma!

You write that poly is a big bust for you, but didn't you get something positive out of it? Even if you never get back to a loving relationship with Butch Cassidy, the time you had with him was good, wasn't it? And if it hadn't been for the whole poly roller-coaster ride, you'd still be thinking that SK was treating you fabulously. [Perhaps he would have been treating you well, at that. But I don't think that you should blame poly for SK's inability to deal with you honestly.] Would you rather still be wandering around with blinkers on?

I myself am currently going through some problems with some friends of mine. But that doesn't mean that I reject their friendship... or reject friendship in general.

But in the end, it's you who has to decide for yourself the best path to take. it might well be that poly doesn't have a place on that path. Whatever your path, I wish you courage and love to accompany you.

As others have written, if you wish to PM me, feel free.
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The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
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  #355  
Old 11-30-2011, 08:09 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Very sorry to hear things have deteriorated further...keep your head up...good luck to you and your family.

D
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  #356  
Old 12-17-2011, 05:30 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Holidays in a frayed marriage are so difficult. I am hoping to just get through them as peacefully as possible. But it is really hard, as Sundance and I are finally starting to ARGUE, and it feels better than the horrible awkward silence we've been suffering in for months!

I know I will never get past all the duplicity, as you have all read here throughout my journey. It's not about forgiveness, it's about the capacity he seems to have for lying. He feels lying can be justified, for any number of reasons. He also feels it is ok to tell people what they want to hear, to candy-coat things and make them sound soooooo pretty.....

He's begging me not to divorce him, but he's still seeing her*, and all the problems we've been ignoring in our marriage are right before my eyes now. I feel like I was wearing rose-colored glasses, I took them off, and now I can't put them back on. It's sad, and I'm grieving. But my greatest hope is that we can end the marriage as amicably as possible, and go on to build a new friendship as partners in parenting. (He is greatly opposed to this! He adamantly refuses to consider separating. But I can't live like this. )

*He says she is now just his friend and his confidante. Bullshit. She is his back-up plan. I'm glad he has one -- I just hate that he lies about it. Sad.
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  #357  
Old 12-17-2011, 05:41 PM
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We did go to a marriage counselor, by the way! (A woman, as Sundance requested). We've been to two sessions. The first one was ok, the second one I was so angry I couldn't see straight. At least I am starting to express my anger, something I have never done (I always stuffed it and it became DEPRESSION instead).

Sundance is a master at saying what you want to hear. At this point, all I want to hear is, "I will work with you to find a way to end this marriage with dignity and make things as easy on the kids as we can." DREAM ON, CARMA. He says I am selfish. Wow, maybe I am. !
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  #358  
Old 12-17-2011, 11:38 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Out of curiosity, and maybe I missed it in previous posts: Have you laid down any conditions for repairing the marriage, or is it separation without any other options you're willing to discuss now?

Sorry you're going through this time, but hopefully your anger will pass someday soon. Regardless of how it ends in the marriage, perpetual anger will eventually turn into a self-poison that touches everything around you. Even after you remove the source of anger. Beware of that.

Take care!
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  #359  
Old 12-18-2011, 01:37 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Awww, Carma, I ended my marriage after 34 years and it was such a relief! No more bs, no more tiptoeing around issues, just freedom to be myself, authentic and clear.

If I can get there, anyone can.
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  #360  
Old 12-18-2011, 02:26 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Thanks mags. It's good to hear from the other side. I was divorced once before but it was not a hard decision as I never loved my first husband. I married him (and stayed 11 years) out of fear. He was very manipulative.

Sundance and I have had love. He's not a terrible person; I think our biggest obstacle has been his 2 hour job commute. There are lots of other issues. Monkey you asked about conditions for saving the marriage and my heart grew heavy. I feel Sundance deserves unconditional love that I cannot give him as a partner. I have been challenging him to grow and change and "improve" himself our entire marriage. That so totally sucks for him! Now he finally finds a woman who is crazy for him just as he is. But he says he wants me. My nickname says it all. I've been his bad karma coming back to kick his ass long enough. I wish he'd stop punishing himself. I need things in a partner he would have to work so hard to obtain. Our values are so different. I don't want him to change FOR ME. And he's never wanted to change for himself. So it seems we are at a standstill.

Sometimes I'm tempted to reconsider polyamory til our kids are grown. But poly takes such extraordinary trust and honesty. And that is so broken it would be highly unlikely we could repair the damage. If you read back through my blog you can see some of the issues and you can see where some pretty insightful objective readers thought there were cold hard deal breakers occurring. Red flags I chose to ignore for years actually.

Well we're still seeing the counselor and sorting things out so who knows. We are creative people with open hearts and minds like so many here on this forum. So I am still anticipating an adventure, whichever way this thing called life chooses to lead. Much love to you all for reading and caring enough about my little life. What a gift this forum has been for me.
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Last edited by Carma; 12-18-2011 at 04:06 PM. Reason: typo
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