Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #271  
Old 10-26-2011, 04:23 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 9,504
Default

I propose an intervention. Let's all of us charter a bus and head up to your place. You tell Sundance you've got a surprise for him, and we'll pick up Barbie on the way. Then let the "truth session" begin!!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote
  #272  
Old 10-26-2011, 04:59 PM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I propose an intervention. Let's all of us charter a bus and head up to your place. You tell Sundance you've got a surprise for him, and we'll pick up Barbie on the way. Then let the "truth session" begin!!
I'd LOVE to have all my forum friends come for me. I suppose your cyber support is the next best thing.

A truth session -- so funny -- that is exactly what my MOM thinks needs to happen! Haha! (She's been great through all of this, btw. Even though she doesn't believe poly can really be a good way of life for anyone, she has been very understanding of my feelings, and of my attempts to find creative solutions. Die-hard monogamist that she is, she would like to scratch Barbie's eyes out, I'm afraid!)
__________________
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
Reply With Quote
  #273  
Old 10-27-2011, 05:27 AM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post

We'll both be home in the house tonight, with the kids..... I tried to encourage him to stay with her on Wednesdays, but he didn't go for it. SHE must be busy. Well, he could even have gotten a hotel up near work for the night. WTF. He wants to stay here and pressure me, that's what.
He SAID he was coming home tonight. Then I notice the hair-dryer and his shaving kit missing from the bathroom. This script I COULD write: Sure enough, I get a text at 4:30, "I'm running late, won't be making it home tonight."

Then he tells me, he's getting a hotel room, his company is paying for it. He's not staying the night at HER house. But he WILL be seeing her for a little while, then at 10:00 she is meeting with her other boyfriend. And he will call me when he gets back to his hotel.

We texted and talked a lot, fighting back and forth, then trying to be civil.... it's mostly the lying that got me going, as much as anything. The layering of deceit! Why oh why can't he just say he's staying with her? That he PLANNED it, not that work ran late!

Then he never called. It's 1:30 in the morning and he never called like he said about 5 times that he would.

Yes, I told him he should just stay the night with her on Wednesdays. BUT -- he adamantly refused. Said he would never do that, that he wants to be home with his family. OKAY. But then he makes up a scheme to do the exact thing he said he would never do! I feel like I am dying.
__________________
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
Reply With Quote
  #274  
Old 10-27-2011, 09:17 AM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478
Default

He finally called. I heard him whispering something right when I answered (and no I'm not crazy and hearing things, and even tho I am overly sensitive these days, I KNOW WHAT I HEARD. She was still there -- maybe just leaving - ?). He said she left just before midnight. That he dozed off afterward. RIGHT. Then he said he didn't call because he figured I was sleeping, snuggled up with the kids. Then he said "You have been an ice princess to me, what did you expect?"

He said she didn't go with her other bf (NO?!?!?) but he told me 3 different stories of why. All red herrings, to get me thinking in all crazy directions. He had to have known all along she wasn't going anywhere at 10:00. He had to know I'd be waiting for his call. So WHY PROMISE TO CALL???? He is either uncaring, insensitive, or so madly in love with her he just doesn't give a shit. None of it makes any sense. He always has at least three explanations for what and why he did something. He lies when he doesn't have to lie! When the truth would serve him better!

I am sorry to STILL be so shocked by this!!!!

I am sorry I still dream of being respected in this circus!!!

I am sorry I still want to believe his lies.

I called Barbie, but she didn't answer. I texted her, "Are you with Sundance? Please be honest with me." I called her again, and re-sent the text. No reply. (I know she got it because Sundance said she called him, and she "mentioned" I had called, but he said she was all freaked out about her boyfriend possibly following her to Sundance's hotel tonight .... BULLSHIT! She SHOULD have been pretty fucking worried that his angry wife is calling her at 2 in the morning!)
I am planning to call her tomorrow and tell her if she can't be honest with me she needs to either get the fuck away from my husband or take him.

I'm calling a counselor tomorrow. If nothing else it will be another person to wade through all this sewage so I don't have to keep doing it alone. He sure won't respect me but he might not be able to get away with his shit, with a professional. He's brought up counseling several times. I think it will be interesting to see if he really even keeps an appointment. Actually, he has to, because he has insurance but I don't. Hmmmm, he will have to be identified as "the patient"......
__________________
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
Reply With Quote
  #275  
Old 10-27-2011, 02:14 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,772
Default

Oh honey.

HUGS Carma.

You will be ok. Your children will be ok.

You are a good person and a good mom.
Reply With Quote
  #276  
Old 10-27-2011, 02:50 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 495
Default

Sorry sweets. (((HUGS))))

A counselor is a great idea. If nothing else so you can have somebody help you to deal with the feelings regarding the loss of trust and the lying.

I think calling her might be a good idea. Let her know that the reason you and Sundance are having trouble isn't because he's seeing her, it's because he's been lying to you constantly and you no longer trust him. That you had always been open to him falling in love with her, but you will not accept being with a dishonest and untrustworthy partner. If I were you I'd also tell her that until this week he'd been telling you she meant little to him and would give her up in an instant, and that had always bothered you because you thought that was inconsiderate to her.

I don't really think this will change anything with her. It's not really for her, it's for you. I think clearing the air will make you feel a little better, and will at least plant the seed in the back of her head that maybe she's not getting the full truth.

I also think you do need to set boundaries with her regarding your children. Until she's an established part of his life that's in the open, and until she can establish that she's going to be honest and trustworthy (not likely), she needs to stay away from your kids. End of story.

I also think when you talk to Sundance you need to just say straight out that the moment you noticed his hair dryer and bathroom stuff gone in the morning you were waiting for the call that he was staying there and seeing her. Tell him he's not only a liar, but a shitty one. And tell him if he wants you to be open to anything he says he'd better get a grip on the lying because THAT'S what's causing the disruption.

Sheesh. What a douchebag he's being.
Reply With Quote
  #277  
Old 10-27-2011, 03:06 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 9,504
Default

I agree with everything Minxxa said.

I do have a feeling that Barbie will avoid speaking to you if you call. Which means that you can either send or an email or try and surprise her with a face-to-face meeting, I guess. But these are very important points:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Let her know that the reason you and Sundance are having trouble isn't because he's seeing her, it's because he's been lying to you constantly and you no longer trust him. That you had always been open to him falling in love with her, but you will not accept being with a dishonest and untrustworthy partner. If I were you I'd also tell her that until this week he'd been telling you she meant little to him and would give her up in an instant, and that had always bothered you because you thought that was inconsiderate to her.

I don't really think this will change anything with her. It's not really for her, it's for you. I think clearing the air will make you feel a little better, and will at least plant the seed in the back of her head that maybe she's not getting the full truth.

I also think you do need to set boundaries with her regarding your children. Until she's an established part of his life that's in the open, and until she can establish that she's going to be honest and trustworthy (not likely), she needs to stay away from your kids. End of story.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote
  #278  
Old 10-28-2011, 03:08 PM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478
Default

She texted me back right away in the morning. We had an hour and a half text conversation! Texting was awesome -- it was so much better than hem-hawing through a conversation.

I am so torn. Lots of feelings. She really does love him, even though she kept trying to say she loves her other boyfriend (who she admits is a total jerk and she is crazy to put up with!) I can tell she will do or say ANYTHING to help Sundance, including begging me to love him! I get the real impression that they are building a love together, but he still wishes that love was with the mother of his children. He still wishes I could love him the way she does.

I've been there. I used to beg Butch's wife to love him. But she just couldn't. I judged her for being a horrible bitch (well, she is bitchy to lots of people, not just him ) -- but the bottom line is, she couldn't get past the hurts that had occurred in their marriage. They were not compatible.

I am starting to believe that Sundance and Barbie are so compatible! She loves him with that gaga love he wants so badly. She doesn't rake him over the coals, wanting him to be more deep and real, she accepts him the way he is. At this point I suppose she'd even forgive him for the lies he told her in the beginning. She may even know about them, by now -- I think he's really opened up to her.

I'm proposing that we really make up a plan to be separated but living in the same house. We have to make things really clear, and stick to it. And put a TIME FRAME around it, eh?

The hardest part of that is, the grieving. We are both mourning for the loss of our marriage. It brings up so many emotions, but we have to be careful not to console each other in an inappropriate way!! Commit to the new way, at least for a month, and then reevaluate things. Maybe we will find we miss each other enough we are willing to end our other relationships. Or, we will find we don't want to pursue the other relationships anymore -- maybe they will resolve. Or one, or both of us, will decide to leave and be with Butch or Barbie. That is the risky part, if one decides that and the other wanted to get back together, but we are just going to have to put our own EGOs aside and love above all that.

Can you believe when we were texting Barbie even said "I love you" to ME? We were both very kind to one another. She really does seem to care about me and my family. That's what happens when you fall in love with someone. It extends! How can I deny Sundance this love? (Why should he deny himself, is the real question -- because he kept deluding himself that he couldn't have that kind of love unless it was with ME. He has some work to do. Well, obviously! Maybe this will give him some time to do that.) I can't say I'm giving up on polyamory, at this point. Maybe after a break and some freedom, Sundance will decide he wants us both to meet, to be friends, to all be in each other's lives. Who knows? Maybe we can get more honest and create some guidelines and boundaries that we can all live with. I am ok with dreaming, but for now, the wishing has to end.

And as for me and Butch, I don't know what to do. We may need to take this time to clear our heads and wait for Sundance to clear his. Otherwise, Butch will be dealing with the stress all over again. He can't afford that. Then again, when your health and very life are so unpredictable, life is short, make love! And when Sundance is with Barbie, he prefers for me to be with Butch, naturally, to ease his conscience. So he will actually encourage it. Well, we'll see what happens....

I love you, forum friends! Thanks for all the hugs and support.
__________________
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
Reply With Quote
  #279  
Old 10-28-2011, 03:17 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 9,504
Default

Carma, I hate to be a naysayer and bubble burster, but try not to let yourself get caught up in all this wistful hopefulness that she's so nice and good for him, and all that. If I were you, I'd feel better if I actually spoke to her and heard her voice. How do you know it really was her you were texting with and not SD? Or that he wasn't there coaching her?

It sounds like you didn't really come out and say to her what he's been saying to you about her. You still need to be protective of your kids and to let Barbie know of all SD's lies, and that she doesn't just get to be anything to your kids without knowing you first.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 10-28-2011 at 03:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #280  
Old 10-28-2011, 03:48 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,241
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
She texted me back right away in the morning. We had an hour and a half text conversation! Texting was awesome -- it was so much better than hem-hawing through a conversation.
Good. Finally!

Quote:

I am so torn. Lots of feelings. She really does love him
They have been together 3 months! It's NRE. She sees only the facade, that you see through.

Quote:
, even though she kept trying to say she loves her other boyfriend (who she admits is a total jerk and she is crazy to put up with!)
And Sundance is your jerk that you put up with!

Quote:
I can tell she will do or say ANYTHING to help Sundance, including begging me to love him!
How pointless and rude. You've tried to love that handsome gym-pumped, hair-gelled lying shallow bastard and what does it get you?

Quote:
I get the real impression that they are building a love together, but he still wishes that love was with the mother of his children. He still wishes I could love him the way she does.
Yeah yeah sure sure.

Quote:
I am starting to believe that Sundance and Barbie are so compatible! She loves him with that gaga love he wants so badly.
NRE. Worshiping his false exterior that he works so very hard to maintain.

Quote:
She doesn't rake him over the coals, wanting him to be more deep and real, she accepts him the way he is.
Carma, she doesn't see the real him! And he'll try his damndest never to show it.

Quote:
At this point I suppose she'd even forgive him for the lies he told her in the beginning. She may even know about them, by now -- I think he's really opened up to her.
That is you speculating again. Just yesterday he lied to you about staying overnight with her! He is a compulsive liar, lying when it doesn't even serve him. Just for the heck of it! I have 0% doubt he lies to her as much as he lies to you.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 60) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 38) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (monogamish, former swinger, 42, M) since Oct 2015
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
dishonesty, negotiations

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:20 PM.