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  #121  
Old 09-21-2011, 06:51 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Sometimes people enjoy making each other miserable. If it's working for you, why change it? Just throwing that out there as one possible explanation as to "why". I know of several couples like this and cannot picture them leaving each other to seek greater happiness with other people, when they have such a good thing going with each other.
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  #122  
Old 09-21-2011, 10:50 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
when they have such a good thing going with each other.
Haha Neon, love your sarcasm!

Yes, old patterns come creeping right back, don't they? It's almost like I subconsciously re-created the exact same situation I was in with my first husband, all over again! He was/is a pathological liar, very, very sick and probably one of the few bona fide sociopaths I have ever known in my life (they only make up 4% of the population, according to a book I read recently). My psychologist met him once (we were already divorced; he came for one of our kids who was getting some counseling) and the doctor's advice to me regarding him after the session? "Never look evil in the eye."

Anyway, here I am, being lied to again, freaking out. You're right, I have to stop asking why and just deal with this like a big girl. I am trying to believe you guys are all giving me "tough love"! Although I must admit sometimes it feels like some have contempt. I'm not perfect, I'm making lots of mistakes, but I'm not giving up. Please don't give up on me!
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  #123  
Old 09-21-2011, 10:56 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
I'm not perfect, I'm making lots of mistakes, but I'm not giving up. Please don't give up on me!
I think it's safe to say we're all rooting for you, Carma!

But at some point, you're gonna have to stop struggling with this internally and just lay it all out on the table with Sundance. He's not the same person as your first husband and you can only grow as a person if you take a risk and say what needs to be said. And maybe even calling Barbie and meeting her is still a good idea, whether he knows about it, approves, or not. Otherwise you will just be hiding out, venting here as an escape, and stagnating.


(That is not to say you shouldn't be venting here. I, for one, hope you will still be a part of this community and post all the stuff you need to, whether you are poly or mono or what!)
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  #124  
Old 09-22-2011, 03:09 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Most people post because they care. Even if you sense frustration in their words, it stems from the fact that they want to see you do well.

I`ll sound like a broken record here, as I have said this for years... I remember about 15 years ago, when someone was blunt with me.
I did the :
'You don`t know me !'
' How dare you, you`re so rude ! ' responses too.

As time wore on, I learned that the blunt advice and tough love, was what stayed in my head, and I made better decisions with experience.

All the hand-holding was nice. Comforting. Supporting.
It didn`t teach me how to handle the problem the next time it arose, though.

Even if one says 'you reap what you sow' . ( ) you can choose to see it as a condemnation, or you can choose to acknowledge it, and sort out where things come from, and where they are likely going. When this comes naturally, you can then move in a direction that allows you to plant more solid foundations.

Ok enough lecturing by me. I need a snack ! Num. Num.
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  #125  
Old 09-22-2011, 02:47 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I can only speak for myself in that I am definitely rooting for you!

I just think (and I've said a few times, and so did nycindie) that you need to lay it out on the table with Sundance so it's out in the open and clear that the lying/trust thing is now a HUGE issue that needs to be dealt with now-- not later when it's too late and no matter what he says you never believe him again.

I am hoping that hearing you lay that out to him, how damaging his lying is to your relationship, maybe that will kick him in the ass enough to pull his head out of it. I know that sometimes it takes realizing you're about to fuck up your relationship to get you to really deal with things. Maybe right now he's so caught up in whatever he's doing he's not really SEEING that. I know it seems obvious, but sometimes people just don't get it when they're screwing things up until it's too late, and my thought is that you need to point it out to him BEFORE that point.

Now, whether he steps up or begins a conversation about it, that's up to him. But at least you'll then know that you were clear with him, and you'll know where you two stand (right now). I'd just hate to see it get to the point where by the time he figures things out, the marraige is too broken to fix. I see that a lot, especially when the hard conversations didn't happen until the people were done emotionally.
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  #126  
Old 09-22-2011, 04:08 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I called her!!!

It was great!!!

I just called Sundance and told him I talked to her. He is freaked out, a little teeny bit miffed and a little in awe of my ballsiness (word?) but I feel sooo much better, and I believe SHE does too!

I was cautious enough to skirt around some of the fringes, where I think he has kept some things from me or from her, BECAUSE, overall, I was relieved to discover that most of what he's been saying is TRUE. I also didn't want the conversation to be 20 questions, or some sort of interrogation. I wanted to be respectful and not put her on the spot. (I was VERY surprised she didn't have any questions for ME! I guess she really believes every honeyed word that drips from his mouth! Haha! And, well, I think she knows he has lied to ME a little, about their relationship, so she is just as relieved that I didn't start asking questions, as I was that she didn't.) At this moment, those little details don't matter so much. I just needed to hear where her heart was. I was happy to hear, she respects my marriage and has no desire to destroy it!!
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  #127  
Old 09-22-2011, 04:40 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Good for you!

I think not doing 20 questions right away was a good idea. Let her know you as a human being first (and vice versa), not get put on the defensive with an interrogation.

Basically, if there are little discrepencies, they will come up on their own. Or maybe just knowing the two of you talk with inspire Sundance to be honest with both of you.

I bet he was shocked! Honestly, that might be enough to rock his world and his thought process a bit enough to reevaluate how he's handling things. But nice to know that most of what he said was true. At some point maybe expressing that you were starting to go off the rails with believing him because of the lying thing, so reining that back in so that you both know you can trust each other at their word will be a big help for both of your peace of mind.
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  #128  
Old 09-22-2011, 04:50 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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WOW!! Congratulations, Carma!! What a huge step! And the world didn't end! So great to hear.

When you're up for it, I'd bet we're all dying for a more detailed blow by blow account of how the conversation went. We've had sooooo long to follow this story, I'm just so curious as to what you both said to each other, how you got the conversation started, whoch things were put out there and which things remained discreet, that sorta thing.

And it's wonderful to see that, as is so often the case, the reality of her turned out to be much less threatening than the idea of her. Great also to see that, at the *very* least, Sun's been mostly truthful to you... maybe now that he knows you're not afraid to take an active role in things that affect you, he'll shape up a little bit!
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  #129  
Old 09-22-2011, 05:40 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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The big and only question of importance in my mind is.....did he end it as he said? Has he been sneaking around behind your back?
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  #130  
Old 09-22-2011, 05:47 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I'm going to be the wet blanket lady here.

It's good you called Barbie and that what she has been told and what you have been told check out. I'm glad you went ahead and called her and it went well.

But Barbie isn't, and never has been, the problem. I believe - and we'll never know - that if Sundance had been open with Barbie, introduced you to her, you would have wigged out. Hey, it's a very human thing to do. And then you would have adjusted, been happy for him and moved on.

I urge you to use your newfound ovaries to start talking about this whole situation with your husband. Now's the time, especially since you can perhaps check with Barbie and hold him somewhat accountable on that side of things.

P.S. If this comes across as damning or contemptuous, that is not my intent. Deity knows I've screwed up, lacked cohones in critical situations, etc.
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