a little bit of help

[Anneintherain]

I just love that since you've realized there is the potential that the relationship might end up a V instead of a triad if things go end up going forward, that you are so supportive of wanting your husband to be happy. Not everybody can pull off that much compersion, especially when they are emotionally invested in the other party.
I'm considering that one of my warm fuzzies for the day, and I'm pretty sure if this doesn't work out the way you'd prefer that there's a lot of love out there that you can attract.

[BlackUnicorn]

Hullo there, and welcome to the forum!

Originally Posted by shepardess

I understand from furher reading onthis forum that the type of realtionship we seek is not generally respected, that too may be for good reason...

Triad relationships as such I think are even more respected when they work, because it's so incredibly hard and unlikely. Just like there's enormous respect for poly/mono live-in vees some folks have in here, or even life-long monogamous bonds, because they too beat the odds.

There is disrespect or more like eye-rolling for folks who are unwilling to compromise on their fantasy of finding their unicorn despite reading about dozens of experiences where people have been disappointed, and insisting that no individual connections should ever happen as to not distract them from their common goal (obviously not your case). Then there are folks who treat unicorns more like their possessions, to be discarded at will, or wayward children than real, feeling adults, who IMHO deserve all the disrespect they can get.

As to your past history with women, and how you thought your potential unicorns might be more attracted to you than your husband - there's the huge difference of now being part of a male-female couple who are looking for a poly-fi triad relationship with an unattached bi woman. That limits your dating pool something fierce. There simply are not enough of women fitting that description out there for the chances of her clicking with both of you at the same time in the same way to be very high.

Originally Posted by shepardess

Its so funny, im not jealous of them at all, just really sad to not be liked, when i think im very likable:-)

Poor babby, you are liked! I was bummed when I felt Windflower pulling away from me. But it was not that she didn't like me as a person, she just didn't have a romantic attraction to me anymore. Hell, she allows me to get close to her kids and share aspects of her everyday family life, hubbie included, with her! She likes me a great deal, the disappointment was originally just that she didn't want a romantic relationship with me.

Originally Posted by shepardess

...part of me wonders if it wouldnt be better for dh to initiate to converstaion with her, so if she is not into me she may be able to tell him without the fear of hurting me, does anyone have a opinions on that. Perhaps from personal experience...

Maybe-ish. I originally texted Moonlightrunner about how I thought things were not working out with Windy, and he replied that yeah, she had talked about that to him. I also texted her right after, because I felt like such a coward for not going to her directly, but there was a lot of fear of rejection on my side going on. It felt better to hear it from a third party, and then just to get a confimation from the horse's mouth.

[affablegreen]

(I am responding to the original post, acknowledging there has been a bunch of back and forth on this thread since then)

I don't think your goals or wants are unreasonable or weird. You just might not get them.

My reaction to your post is sort of: "What you are posting here, your feelings, should be shared directly with her. And not in an e-mail."

You may have a great connection with this woman, but it clearly isn't working over e-mail. She is too shy or uncertain about where she stands with you. Totally normal. You and her need to sit down face to face and express what you are feeling and see if it can work. She may only want to hook up with you guys, but deep down most people want more. They often just don't feel like they have a right to ask.

Is that face to face conversation impossible? Is she just not capable of being open and honest and crying with you? Maybe she is too "bleh!" about the whole thing and doesn't WANT to meet with you and talk with you. In that case, this is NOT the situation you are looking for and you may want to back away and ask your husband to do the same. She has to be able to say what she feels and wants, as do you, or else everyone will get hurt.

(Disclaimer: I am an amateur, please forgive me if I get this wrong. Still navigating my own situation.)

[redpepper]

HUH! Harsh? Sorry, I just re-read and I'm not seeing harsh in my words, maybe I didn't say what you wanted to hear?

I didn't get you knew her, sorry, missed that bit (thanks for pointing that out NYC). I still see this as sex under the influence and the mixture of a "dream" that was infused with something casual and friendly. I dunno, maybe there is more to it, I didn't read the rest of your posts.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by redpepper

HUH! Harsh? Sorry, I just re-read and I'm not seeing harsh in my words, maybe I didn't say what you wanted to hear?

It's ok redpepper - sometimes you get this shit, sometimes I get this shit. Just keep saying what you say and being true to yourself. It's all anyone can do.