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  #11  
Old 08-11-2011, 10:46 PM
shepardess shepardess is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post

Sleeping with someone and then avoiding them while then sleeping with their spouse just reeks of drama-inducing behavior to me. She may very well have been testing it out, or it just happened in the heat of intoxication, whatever. But grown ups can say "Hey, I like you a lot, I was curious, the alcohol made it easy, but in the end I don't think bisexuality is for me, and I really like your husband." If she's not mature enough to deal with you on an honest level... I just don't see how her being in a relationship with your husband is going to not cause issues.
I love that quote. Thanks again to all of you for taking the time to write, it really helpful, what a great community, perhaps one day ill have advice to give back:-)
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  #12  
Old 08-11-2011, 10:52 PM
shepardess shepardess is offline
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So went back and read my letter to her, just to see what it was i did adress, it seems pretty clear to me, it does seem pretty obvious that shes not ready to talk about this with me. Poor me:-)
Here it is if you want to take a gander, but it wnot hurt my feeling if you dont want to read it either.:-P

Coralie is standing by the Oxeye daisies pulling the unopened buds off and eating them, Ive made her a crown out of the flowers and standing in the sun by the garden gate she does appear to be an other wordly imp. Bits of cottonwood duff are falling from the trees by the creek making this summer day seem even more magical than it is. Im back again on the hammock, finally rested but not quite able to fully engage in the beauty of this moment. The last several years for me have been full of transformation and personal evolution. I've confronted family issues, had a man and his religous organization convicted of a crime, birthed my daughter and finally released long held issues stemming from a family that cared more for their guru than their kids, yet I still struggle with the fact that I feel like my experience of life has a level of intensity that many people do not feel.

Emotions are not concepts for me or simply feelings but forces that explode within and much of my life has been figuring out a way to healthily manage and manipulate them into pathways that are acceptable and useful for growth and reaching goals and building dreams. Its as though I've undergone a process of attempting to build a catalytic converter within myself in an never ending attempt to become a more perfect person. These emotional bursts I feel inside, while allowing me to experience moments of incredible ecstasy in a field of wild roses harvesting the flowering tops, or atop a mountain as yellow needles of the larch rain over me or in my loved ones arms, also at times leave me feeling exposed, embarrassed or oddly upset for expecting others around me to feel the same.

In general I am happy with my progress, this intensity of emotion has allowed me to take on projects that others might not, it allows me to feel connection to the earth and others in a deeply meaningful way, has been a catalyst for personal growth and change and has fostered a life where I face my issues and address my faults that I otherwise would prefer to look away from. So, through all this I have found that I yet have a hard time forgiving myself when my innate personality finds ways to escape without question of how what I feel may affect others.

I remember how upon meeting you for the first time in Leavenworth I was taken with the self contained grace you exhibited, and then in the months after as I became aware of how fun you could be and I had opportunity to see first had your joy and excitement for life, your willingness to be honest and state your opinions and your innate beauty, I then began to notice a shift in how I thought of you. Dylan and I we have been monogamous since our relationship first took shape and solidified, yet there has has always been an understanding that, if it was appropriate, our relationship had room for more and so while in the self regulated organism that is our relationship, it seems fine and right to address crushes or feelings we might have had growing for you, I fully understand that that does not make it okay or me to expect that that be understood.

In the last two days I have vacillated between amazement at the beauty of what transpired between us and and intense self anger for acting on a whim in an incredibly drunken state and for putting someone that I really care deeply about in a position to feel uncomfortable. I feel disingenuous for making statements to you about how important our friendship is to me and at the same time acting in way and harboring feelings that are not merely friendly.

I feel very bad about not having the words to address such an intense topic and then acting on a feeling that otherwise should have been mitigated because of the understanding that this is likely far too complicated for someone else or that they simply have other interests. I've never been one that easily engages in the psychical aspects of relationships without feeling a lot for the person, that said while wanting to be honest with you, I have no expectations of that being reciprocated.

I do, above all else, hope that even with this dump of information, that you still are able to feel comfortable and continue a friendship with me as I understand that reprocaton in such situations can be hoped for but never expected, and In my overwhelmingly empathetic life I respect autonomy and take nothing personally . I recognize fully that by putting these words out there I may be making things worse, that perhaps by addressing the topic I may be creating the situation I was hoping to avoid. Yet, here I am, and thank you in advance for listening to all this, I hope that you too are feeling rested and that these few summer days have been feeding you, body and soul.

The sun is beating down on Whitehorse, the goats are "maaing" for attention and Coralie has now surrounded herself in a pile of shoes repeating the word over and over again with excitement at having figured out what they are. I sit here still awed, feeling the blessings of powerful moments, thankful to get to have so many wonderful people in my life, and hopeful that we can still go berry picking next week.

Last edited by shepardess; 08-11-2011 at 11:26 PM.
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  #13  
Old 08-11-2011, 10:56 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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If i got a wall o' text like that with no paragraph breaks I'd probably be a bit freaked out too. Just sayin'

Also, i didn't see anyone else mention this but maybe they have - when you have your first sexual experience with someone involving alcohol as the catalyst, a lot of times it just isn't happening when both of you sober up. For you, it is happening, but for her, not so much. I would suggest that maybe she's "just not that into you".
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  #14  
Old 08-11-2011, 11:09 PM
shepardess shepardess is offline
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Hah, it only copied like that. i see your point though, i still felt like, i have nothing tolose since i dont have anything to begin with, so why not say it all and say in my most authentic way, i have stacks of similar "letters" from preious lovers and friends, i kind of figured that there was no need to change my communication style to try and affect someone, they'd either like me better for it or not at all:-):-)


And yes i think you are right. Bummer.

Now to figure out where to go from here, this is a crazy world we entered,i not saying im surprized, simply noting the reality:-)



On side note i just got this new ipad and the keyboard funtion is pretty fussy, forgive all the typos:-)
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  #15  
Old 08-11-2011, 11:12 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It does sound like you both had a nice time together on the 4th of July so maybe you could just have that memory and try to be friends going forward. Something more might come out of it further down the road.
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  #16  
Old 08-11-2011, 11:12 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This was just sex. Your dream takes years of work and commitment to come true. Having sex with the same person as your husband does not a triad make. Its just fucking.
RP, I think you missed a few things in the OP's story. This wasn't an fleeting person in their lives:
Quote:
Originally Posted by shepardess View Post
So a year and a half ago we met C, she was beautiful and fun and seemed to really like my husband and and was bi and she and i had a connection. I never wanted her to feel pressure or overwhelmed with a couple so we kept on building a friendship and hoping that perhaps she might build feelings for us as we came out of the closet.

6 weekes ago she was over at our little farm back in the mountains and after a bit too much to drink (as it was 4th of july:-) she and i made love.
The OP and her husband have been developing a friendship with this woman for over a year before becoming sexual with her. I don't think it's too much to be hopeful that the lovemaking was a way to opening the door to deeper feelings.


Shepardess, it could be that she just feels a different level of comfort in expressing herself or a different way of relating to each of you. Perhaps you are overreacting or allowing yourself to feel rejected a bit too soon. Of course, only communicating directly with her will help.

I agree with Anneintherain -- that is, I think it might be a good idea for your husband to refrain from having sex with her again until all of you have a conversation about things. I only say that because I would think that it could create a dynamic of him and her against you. I would imagine that if they are together intimately, the fact that you sent this heartfelt expressive letter to her and have only gotten cursory in return, short answers would be like the elephant in the room. It wouldn't really seem right if they talked about it privately without you, and yet not talking about it would be just as glaring. They would be pretending, I think.

Besides discussing things with her, I think it's time that you consider that you and your husband seek your own additional partners without trying to fulfill the "dream" that it be a triad. That dream is held by many, but from what a lot of people report back here, the reality seems to be very different. The liaison you two had may have simply been a moment where the alcohol made her feel free to engage sexually with you, but she might not be interested in having a romantic relationship with a woman, maybe she draws a line between friendships and more with women, maybe she's feeling like she is leaning more toward wanting to be with men at this point in her life now -- who knows? But you all need to have a gentle loving talk about it, soon. I think it would be better for all of you to talk together, in person, for the reasons I mentioned above, but I'm no expert -- that's just my first intuitive "hit" on it.



PS - By the way, if you want feedback on your letter, you can edit that wall o'text and give it paragraph breaks after posting. I wouldn't even begin to read it the way it is now.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-11-2011 at 11:18 PM.
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  #17  
Old 08-11-2011, 11:54 PM
shepardess shepardess is offline
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Let me just say again how thankful i am for all of your inputs, its so wonderful to find so many strangers willing to give advice in a time of needing to talk to people who wont think im a freak.
.

As far as them sleeping together again, Thats the idea,nothing will happen further until we reach some level of understanding. Though at the moment he says he wouldnt be interested if its not fully reciprocated, though i do feel that if there is something there for them thats workable and special and honest, it doesnt feel like my place to shut it down because it doesnt fit the model i dreamed of.

i see how that it has come up in many threads that triads are unlikely, its hard to discount something that entirely because its hard or unlikely, its hard to give up on the "dream" especially so quickly, but that doesnt mean you are not right. The one thing i deeply assure this triad thing is not about an attempt to keep some control over the the other parties or strict boundaries its about the hope for something i realize is higly unlikely, but i just felt like those peole who give up on hopes because they seem out f reach will definately not find what they are seeking, and at least keeping the aim for the thing you hope for givesyou a slight edge on maybe finding it. I suppose we will consider different options overtime and we will have to rework the picture, but i guess the screw up is that im not desparate for another relationship, i have only been excited (seriously, since i was 17:-P) for this unlikely reality. We'll see. I see will bridge topic tomorrow no matter how akward

Thanks for the tip onthe letter, i think some of it didnt copy anyway, and also i really dont care if anyone reads i simply thought it migt give insight, in case anyone was interested:-):-)

Last edited by shepardess; 08-11-2011 at 11:57 PM.
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  #18  
Old 08-12-2011, 12:09 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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You do not have to "give up on the dream"; just remember that it is a dream, and don't try to force reality to conform to your dream. That in no way says that you will never realize your dream, it just says to use your brain instead of your hormones to think.
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  #19  
Old 08-12-2011, 12:12 AM
shepardess shepardess is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
You do not have to "give up on the dream"; just remember that it is a dream, and don't try to force reality to conform to your dream. That in no way says that you will never realize your dream, it just says to use your brain instead of your hormones to think.
Well said and definately understood!
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  #20  
Old 08-12-2011, 12:59 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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You're welcome. Sometimes I call this "raining on your parade".
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