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Old 08-11-2011, 06:36 PM
shepardess shepardess is offline
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so i have been scouring this forum all morning. Im pretty impressed with the thoughtful dialog and responses. Thank you all for providing this resourse.

SOO.. To my question. Since i was a little girl had imagined a polyfi relationship. Never knowing how to get to that point i found and married an incredible man. Several years ago i started talking about the dreams i held out on for a poly marrigae, specifically i, as a bi woman, hoped to have a loving committed triad(i see you all call what we are looking for a unicorn) i always new it was a long shot, but held out hope that if we did all the personal healing we could and continued to build our love and set the intention, it might happen.

So a year and a half ago we met C, she was beautiful and fun and seemed to really like my husband and and was bi and she and i had a connection. I never wanted her to feel pressure or overwhelmed with a couple so we kept on building a friendship and hoping that perhaps she might build feelings for us as we came out of the closet.

6 weekes ago she was over at our little farm back in the mountains and after a bit too much to drink (as it was 4th of july:-) she and i made love. She hung around the whole next day and i touched base with her hoping we might have some dialog about what had happened. several days later i sent her a long beautiful "love letter" telling her about our mounting feelings and respect and hoping that nothing i did made her uncomfortable. Well she wrote back something short and vaguely reassureing and we scheduled to meet up in a few days, and then she stood me up and offered a story that never sat right.

Afterthat i felt like the answer was clear, that she was not interested, but my husband knows her better and felt differently. He assumed that she was just a bit uncomfortable taking about things in in general. last weekend they slept together. We all discussed it bit and i was elated, i thougt maybe we were getting close to this impossible reality i had dreampt about for so long, the week has gone on and other than some emails vaguely adressing contentment, she has not contacted me. But then my husband showed me a thread they exchanged flirting about scratched backs and clothes trading. At first it exhilerated me, but then it set in, she in no way has responsed or shown that she has any continued feelings for me, I realize it wsa an assumption i made, i spent last night crying, feeling rejected and disapointed and stupid.

Part of me feels like shutting this down, because perhaps she doenst have strong feelings for me but only for my husband(somethng i should have seen long ago) but then i also think perhaps i am giving up too soon, or that maybe i wont find the perfect version of my dream and that maybe im limiting my husbands chance at more love. Im just torn and sad, i want to do whats right, i want to be fair, but i also dont want to sell myself short. The reason i wanted this in the first place wa because i had always loved what i had out of some passionate relationships with women in the past, and am not sure im ready to give up on that all together, but if this a chance for my husband to connect should i stand inthe way?

I know that was really long, but to any of you that made it through and to any advice you can give i and thankful.

Last edited by shepardess; 08-11-2011 at 06:53 PM.
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:19 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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In my opinion; don't read into this episode of your life. This is not your dream. This was just sex. Your dream takes years of work and commitment to come true. Having sex with the same person as your husband does not a triad make. Its just fucking.

Be rational here and see it for what it is just now. It could blossom into more, but it sounds like she is not interested. And yes, leave him to make the connection if there has been shown to be one on her behalf.

I suggest at some point you tell her that she needs to be more up front about what is going on for her emotionally if she is to make a successful go of a vee relationship with you two. Not answering emails and words of love and devotion is not going to protect you from hurt. Its going to hurt you more. If she isn't interested then she should be encouraged to say so I think.
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:35 PM
shepardess shepardess is offline
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Thanks for reply, though it did come off a bit harsh,i understand my language might have made it sound confusing, i just use that flowery language. I understand what you are saying,and of course hold no false ideas as to what such a early stage relationship or lack there of might hold. I guess i was looking for support either way, hoping that someone might say" thats normal" or "give it time" or " yeah, sounds like its not working.."

from what you took from my post i must say i feel foolish for reaching out. You have made alot of assumptions,a perhaps that was my fault for not being clear. I understand from furher reading onthis forum that the type of realtionship we seek is not generally respected, that too may be for good reason, but please grant me the favor of knowing that ther are not alot of models to look to when seeking a non standard relationship, there is no one really to tal to that may have advice. Im sort of lost out here.

I regret using the word dream if that was going to be misinterpreted, i have also never had a physical relationship that didnt envolve some sort of emotionaal connection, thats just me, and though you may be right that its "just fucking" every modern relationship starts there. I dont feel i need to be called out as a fool for not qualifying that. I also understand that two nigts of passion does not make triad.

Im sorry, i had just been really impressed with caring and thougtful responses i saw on this board, and just feel litle bit more stupid than i did before i originally posted..:-(

Last edited by shepardess; 08-11-2011 at 09:42 PM.
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:45 PM
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I am going to say that it might be a good idea if your husband doesn't sleep with her again until things are able to be talked about more?

The fact that she is uncomfortable speaking about things is not a good sign for any relationship. It sounds like she is talking about her feelings more with your husband, but reluctant to do so with you? I think even your husband should see that if you discuss him building a relationship with her separately, that she still needs to honestly sit down with you and discuss what happened, bring up any concerns or reasons she's acting aloof, and make it so things won't be awkward in the future.

I am sorry she seems to be more interested in your husband than you. I do know if I was sexual with a friend who I had NO idea was romantically interested in me (or I didn't get the idea she had a clue), only to get a serious love letter from them the next day, I would be pretty freaked out by that. You feel you made love because you love her, and she might have had a different take on it if she doesn't have the emotional feelings you do. Probably realizing that and addressing it with her (that you just got excited because you like her and really enjoyed the intimacy), but establishing with her that friendship is most important between you, would help. I would still tell her I liked her a lot, but back down on the intensity, maybe feelings for you will grow or not, but I hope you can go back to a more comfortable relationship with each other.

good luck!
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 08-11-2011 at 09:47 PM.
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:55 PM
shepardess shepardess is offline
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Thanks, i should add that the reason i put "love letter" in quotes was to note that it wasnt quite that. I basically a told her that there had been shift in my feelings of friendshsip and no matter what i hoped that she felt comfortable, that we didnt mean to descend on her in a predatory fashion, and that though i wasnt exactly sober, i was sorry that i might have confused her, yet my actions werent based soley on 4th of july over indulging.

Thanks for the condolances, its so weird, based on my relationships with women in the past i always assumed that it was more likely that it would be me who the woman might be more interested in:-) thats not what i want, but that was the roadblock i forsaw, i just cant kick this feeling of utter foolishness. silly me, perhaps future generations wont have to feel like they are taotally inthe dak about these things.
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Old 08-11-2011, 10:06 PM
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Ok, so it doesn't sound like she has as much of a reason to change her behavior as I might have thought.

It does sound like there is a need for talking a lot anyway. I find it telling that in your letter you tell her "we didnt mean to descend on her in a predatory fashion" Maybe she finds it odd you spoke with her as a "we" instead of an "I", since it sounds like only you were intimate with her that day? She might be uncomfortable with the idea of it being "you two" vs "her" = a triad idea, but comfortable with the one on one relationships being different speeds and intimacy levels. Has the subject of triads been discussed with her at all? What is your husband's idea on all of this? Have you two discussed what happens now if somebody likes one of you more? Does he only want a triad? Do you still only want a triad? It's really up to him to say if he thinks he will be missing out. Don't take on the burden of making decisions for him to try to make his life happier if you haven't been asked, life is complicated enough managing our own shit

I'm really just talking out of my ass, because unless she's willing to say what she's feeling, nobody can have a clue what is troubling her. Since I really believe the key in any relationship let alone poly is communicate x3, You're just going to get stressed out if she has a relationship with just your husband or this becomes a triad, and any of you are reluctant, scared or incapable of communicating. I do suggest clearing up some of these questions before either of you is physical with her again.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 08-11-2011 at 10:09 PM.
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Old 08-11-2011, 10:17 PM
shepardess shepardess is offline
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You are so right about communication, its so hard to know where to start, id love the dialog and its totally my way of interacting to talk about everything, but i guess i just havent found the language that would keep the topic comfortable her. i dont want to come accross as "i like you, he likes you, here is what my hopes are, now will you be our girlfriend" :-) ill figure it out i guess, and thanks so much for your advice. it just helps so much to have outside input, instead of answering my own questions with my already limited inforation. Its challenging to think of the right way to have the full conversation with out making someone feel put on the spot and perhaps not answering truthfully because they are scared of hurting someone. As you might have guessed i overhink everything and try so hard in emotional aspects of life to work in a way that meets the highest potential, but i suppose trying to do that can cause inaction as well.
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Old 08-11-2011, 10:26 PM
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Has she every had a relationship with a woman before? I'm wondering if she was curious as to what sex with a woman is like and tried you on for size while she was intoxicated. I wonder if she's now thinking that she really isn't into women and doesn't know how to approach that with you. It may be that she really wanted it to work too since by all accounts she's very much into your husband.

If your feelings towards her aren't reciprocated you're setting yourself up for heartache by continuing down this path. Could you be ok with your husband continuing a relationship with her while you and she remain good friends? That would leave you open to find a relationship that is fulfilling for you emotionally with a woman who feels the same way about you as you do about her.
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Old 08-11-2011, 10:36 PM
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I think that you'll never know what's going on until she opens up and tells you. And my honest opinion is that if she cannot express what's going on with her in regards to you, then any relationship she has with your husband will be uncomfortable and painful for you, which will cause problems all around.

My advice would be to think on it a bit and see if you would be ok with her being in a relationship with your husband. Setting aside what you thought happened, and if you two sat down and cleared that up, would that be fine with you? If so then I think you need to talk to your husband and express that you are happy that he and she are enjoying each other, but that you all need to sit down and clear up what happened between the two of you so you can readjust your relationship (to friends, metamours, what have you) and move on to other endeavors.

My PERSONAL opinion is that if she cannot put on her big girl long panties enough to explain what happened with her and why she's been avoiding you, then she shouldn't be involved in a poly relationship. Honest communication is need #1, and if she can't do that, ultimately there will be issues/problems/miscommunications down the road.

Sleeping with someone and then avoiding them while then sleeping with their spouse just reeks of drama-inducing behavior to me. She may very well have been testing it out, or it just happened in the heat of intoxication, whatever. But grown ups can say "Hey, I like you a lot, I was curious, the alcohol made it easy, but in the end I don't think bisexuality is for me, and I really like your husband." If she's not mature enough to deal with you on an honest level... I just don't see how her being in a relationship with your husband is going to not cause issues.
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Old 08-11-2011, 10:41 PM
shepardess shepardess is offline
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She has had relationships with women and fukly identies a bi, but as abi woman myself i understand that there so many degrees to being bi and that some women who may be open to sex with a woman may actually more be more inclined to be be with a man long term. I find myself married to man, but could have gone either way and had serious reservations in the beginning about commiting to a hetero relationship, but felt like at the time i only had the option of one or the other and i fell in love with man and we worked.

that is pretty mush where i am at right now, feeling like she may have had a strong attraction to my husband and that all of her attention to me may have been an unconscious way to get closer to him. We have a fabulous relationship, even an enviable one at times, and i know there is nothing more attractive to some people than a handsome, loving, emotionally comitted man. Its so funny, im not jealous of them at all, just really sad to not be liked, when i think im very likable:-)

we are going to a bluegrass festival together tomorrow and i know we need to talk about this all, part of me wonders if it wouldnt be better for dh to initiate to converstaion with her, so if she is not into me she may be able to tell him without the fear of hurting me, does anyone have a opinions on that. Perhaps from personal experience, ar there benifits to being part of the converstaion together or to allow a little space?

Last edited by shepardess; 08-12-2011 at 12:06 AM.
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