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  #11  
Old 08-09-2011, 06:03 PM
Godfather76 Godfather76 is offline
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Originally Posted by nicothoe View Post
In answer to your initial question, sometimes there isn't a reason. It's not like you look at your life and say, "This piece is being unfilled" and then go looking for someone to fill it. People are much more complex and interesting than that. If you were to ask me, "what does you girlfriend offer that your wife doesn't?", while I could mention a few things, they are not the reasons I am with her. I am with her because....well....she's her.

Just having the other person in your life is reason enough.
This was very well put, thank you. She and I are coming to the point where in all of this exploration (just in conversation), the sum total of the answer to the question why is looking like, "It just is." We're human. Let's enjoy all of it, not just the parts society deems "safe."
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  #12  
Old 08-09-2011, 06:06 PM
Godfather76 Godfather76 is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyHannah View Post
No offense taken.
Girls ARE crazy. Boys are stupid.
And sometimes we're crazy because of stupid boys.

More relationships means more trial and error.
So yep, you could have some crazy gal play on your heartstrings. You could also find something wonderful.

The greatest problems I've had was with mono-folk. People who were sure that after a period of time we would move in together or I would divorce. I've also seen them become possessive. Share with husband OK, but not to see anyone else. Try meeting your local polys (you can search OKC for the word). Make friends there. Not to say you have to go out. Just start with e-mail friends. Then see if any are online and would like to schedule a raid.

We got around this problem by giving each other "right of refusal". Your wife may have an instinctual reaction that says, "That person is nuts!" She would then express those concerns to you. You could proceed with a relationship, but be more careful... or follow her advice and cut and run. Either way, having her meet your potential paramour before you add a sexual element to your friendship would give you a chance to evaluate how she'll fit in with your current relationship structure.
Sometimes having two sets of eyes on a problem, makes the solution easier to find.

Feel free to e-mail me anytime.
Lori
Right of refusal is a part of our basic ground rules. I want to be friends with whomever she dates and vice versa. Being a picky nerd, I have promised to loosen up a bit on what I want. But, basically, I don't want to have to hang out with someone I don't like because she's dating them. haha

We plan on hanging out with a person multiple times as a couple before really springing the poly thing on them. It helps when adults can be adults.
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  #13  
Old 08-09-2011, 09:28 PM
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Right of refusal is a part of our basic ground rules.
When you say this, are you talking about having veto power?
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  #14  
Old 08-10-2011, 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Godfather76 View Post
Right of refusal is a part of our basic ground rules. I want to be friends with whomever she dates and vice versa. Being a picky nerd, I have promised to loosen up a bit on what I want. But, basically, I don't want to have to hang out with someone I don't like because she's dating them. haha

We plan on hanging out with a person multiple times as a couple before really springing the poly thing on them. It helps when adults can be adults.
I personally don't understand why people have different standards for metamours (their partners' partners) as opposed to their partner's family or friends. Not standing the sight or mention of your partner's mum or best friend is a problem (and obviously stems from deeper issues) but you don't have to be friends with or even like someone to be able to get along and cooperate with them. We have to do this all the time at work etc.

It makes sense that if your partner likes you, they might like someone who is alike you. Sadly, the logic doesn't always work. Your newly-aqcuired metamour may be too different from or too similar to you, you might have nothing to really talk about or always rub each other the wrong way without meaning to.

Insisting that everyone be friends severely limits your potential dating pool. I assume you would also have to be friends with you OSOs' partners, too? Maybe everyone should hang out together regularly, possible kids and pets included? Asking for everyone to meet and greet is totally different from wanting somebody to come hang out with both of you several times before you can go out on a date alone with them.

I understand how many couples opening up feel that they need to date as an item, because it feels less shocking a transition. You can still hold on to that coupliness even while dating others, if you agree only to do everything together. But sooner or later, one of you is going to want something that the other doesn't. Better get used to the idea.

I've seen how strained metamour relations can get, but being friends first before sharing a partner doesn't give any guarantees. It can even make things worse because there's the added hurt and awkwardness of a friendship on the rocks alongside jealousy over partner.
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  #15  
Old 08-10-2011, 07:22 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I personally don't understand why people have different standards for metamours (their partners' partners) as opposed to their partner's family or friends. Not standing the sight or mention of your partner's mum or best friend is a problem (and obviously stems from deeper issues) but you don't have to be friends with or even like someone to be able to get along and cooperate with them. We have to do this all the time at work etc.
I see that this can limit people's dating pool, but if you do have to spend all day at work tolerating people's personalities that you don't get along with, you sure might want a break and not have to do that when you're home relaxing. Me personally, I don't want anybody in my personal space that often if I don't get along with them. Wait, that's a lie, I NEVER want people over if I don't like them. (Also I like to go braless at home and I just seethe with resentment at the thought of having to wear a bra because somebody I don't like is wandering around here )

I'd LOVE if my SO and I only dated people who could be friends with both of us. Most of his friends don't have a lot in common with me, it gets boring when 90% of the conversation ends up being about gaming industry job shop talk or sci-fi. (And I'm an introvert so I don't tend to talk a lot when I AM with people who don't seem to have stuff in common with me.) My SO loves having people over, I don't, so if you are people who plan on entertaining partners at your house like we do, it can make perfect sense to seek friends for both of you most importantly.

So far I haven't dated anybody that my husband has any feelings of friendship for. There is NOT MUCH I would like more than to find somebody to date who could be good friends with my SO and have an independent relationship with him too. I'd love to be able invite my boyfriend over and to go cook dinner and not picture them making awkward small talk, but instead hear screams of AHHHHH FUCK! while they're being chased by zombies in some xbox game. I've spent time with my partners girlfriends and wives without them and I find it really awesome to be able to do that, and it makes me more comfortable. I have really been fortunate that at least I like most of the people my husband dates. It means I don't feel like I will have to leave the house if sex is happening on the other side of it. If everybody gets along well it means I don't have to compartmentalize my life, choose who to see what movie with, want to spend time with everybody but not have enough days in the week.

So it is true, you might find you quickly end up finding people you like that don't get along with your spouse, but if it's really important to you, don't let people tell you that you don't have a right to seek people who will fit into your life well. It makes me sad that I'm not going to get to hang out cuddled up to both of the men in my life while we watch a movie, invite my bf's wife over too, all go out for bowling or dinner. (I mean the guys probably would if I requested and set it up, but I don't want to have to force it if it's not natural - or hang out together if not everybody is actively enjoying it). It IS great feeling comfortable having metamours who you like cuddled up to your spouse on your sofa. I find it increases my feelings of compersion and overall happiness.

edit: I certainly don't recommend that if somebody ISN'T friend material that they should be ruled out to date if one of you really likes them, unless they are a real dick. I see a lot of pros to all being friends but you will probably find out sooner than later if that is going to be realistic for you. I also assume if you hang out a few times with somebody, one of you might want to be friends with them and not date them, and the other might not like them so much. Does that mean you wouldn't be friends with them either or just not be allowed date them? That probably will turn out to be an impractical rule, but it is OK to want it. I know if I waited to find somebody to date who was going to get along like gangbusters with my husband, I'd probably be waiting a really long time.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 08-10-2011 at 08:04 PM.
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  #16  
Old 08-10-2011, 07:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Godfather76 View Post
Right of refusal is a part of our basic ground rules. I want to be friends with whomever she dates and vice versa. Being a picky nerd, I have promised to loosen up a bit on what I want. But, basically, I don't want to have to hang out with someone I don't like because she's dating them. haha

We plan on hanging out with a person multiple times as a couple before really springing the poly thing on them. It helps when adults can be adults.
Friends would be nice but it's far from essential. What is essential in a metamour relationship is respect. You have to have respect for each other as people as well as respect for the relationship with your shared partner.

There isn't anything in any rule book that says that you have to hang out with your metamour. There will likely be times when your paths will cross but as long as there isn't any seething animosity so be it.

I have metamours who I am quite close to and one who I really don't get. I don't spend much time with the one who I don't get (she doesn't get me either so it's all good) but when we are in the same space we are polite and respectful towards each other. There will likely never be a close friendship there and I think that we're both ok with that.

Being that your wife is looking for a "jock" as you put it there's a good chance that you're not going to see eye to eye on a lot of things. As long as he is a good person and treats your wife well it shouldn't matter if you're buddies or not.
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  #17  
Old 08-10-2011, 08:10 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I agree that you don't have to necessarily get who your partner is with. Or particularly like them. But yes respect is good (which requires having an open mind). Sure it would be nice if everyone could hang out, but that shouldn't necessarily be a requirement.

I do have to throw in that sometimes an objection to or "bad feeling" about a metamour is for good reason. You need to have the openness with your partner to be able to discuss concerns and have them at least consider them, without disregarding your feelings. And you need to be able to really look at your feelings and discern what is a valid concern and what is just something that person does that's not the way you would, or that you disagree with.

I know we'd like to think everybody out there is honest, has good intentions, and is healthy. That, unfortunately, is not always the case and I think that having some discernment in that area is a good thing.
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  #18  
Old 08-10-2011, 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted by PolyHannah View Post
We got around this problem by giving each other "right of refusal". Your wife may have an instinctual reaction that says, "That person is nuts!" She would then express those concerns to you. You could proceed with a relationship, but be more careful... or follow her advice and cut and run. Either way, having her meet your potential paramour before you add a sexual element to your friendship would give you a chance to evaluate how she'll fit in with your current relationship structure.
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Originally Posted by Godfather76 View Post
Right of refusal is a part of our basic ground rules. I want to be friends with whomever she dates and vice versa . . . We plan on hanging out with a person multiple times as a couple before really springing the poly thing on them. It helps when adults can be adults.
Hmm. Personally, I appreciated the fact that Burnsy's wife had emailed me to encourage us to develop our relationship on its own terms before she would want to meet with me. She wrote to me: "I'd love to get to know you better, but I want you and [Burnsy] to get to know each other first. Let you both develop a relationship removed from the dynamic of [Burnsy] and myself as a couple. Once you have that, then I think I would really enjoy time getting to know you as well."

That is a much more "adult" and respectful approach, in my view. If she had wanted to meet me first before "allowing" him to have sex with me (if it had not been a long-distance relationship), I would have felt like I was being inspected like a possible defective product. I think that's ridiculous, anyway. We don't own our partners. A spouse wanting to meet me out of genuine interest in me is different, and would be very welcome. But I definitely know I would never want to get involved with anyone whose spouse/partner has veto power.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 08-11-2011 at 08:56 AM.
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  #19  
Old 08-11-2011, 08:35 AM
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Hmm. Personally, I appreciated the fact that Burnsy's wife had emailed me to encourage us to develop our relationship on its own terms before she would want to meet with me. She wrote to me: "I'd love to get to know you better, but I want you and [Burnsy] to get to know each other first. Let you both develop a relationship removed from the dynamic of [Burnsy] and myself as a couple. Once you have that, then I think I would really enjoy time getting to know you as well."
Aww, that's so sweet!

I'm not perhaps the best person to tell people how to conduct metamour relationship. So far I've had one genuine metamour, whom I used to date myself before deciding we were better friends than lovers. Of Vanilla's fwbs, I used to go out with one, one is Moonlightrunner and I just recently met her playmates who are adorable! The two who I haven't still met are both really excited to get to meet me. The only one I don't particularly click with is her bff, but that's okay, we can alternate nights.
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  #20  
Old 08-12-2011, 02:40 AM
Godfather76 Godfather76 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
When you say this, are you talking about having veto power?
Yeah, veto power. Kind of. Like, "I can veto if I promise to hear you out." We want to all be friends and sometimes people just rub other people the wrong way. We want to each have the power to say, "No. I don't want to be friends with that person." For the most part, we love each other and would know ahead of time whether or not someone will click well with the other of us.
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