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Old 08-09-2011, 04:49 AM
Godfather76 Godfather76 is offline
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I feel like I don't really even know what to put here except that my wife and I are discussing adding a poly aspect to our relationship.

I am a nerd. Proudly so. But this leaves my wife hanging (sometimes sexually, sometimes otherwise), and I feel like she needs more of me and I need less of her. If this makes sense, I am doing ok. In this way, poly seems to be the answer. However, my ex-wife cheated on me and I have issues (some of which, as I have mentioned in another thread, are actually being resolved through this open of a process between my wife and myself) with allowing another person close enough to do that.

I am exhilarated by the aspect of her going out to explore and then coming home to me relaxed and able to enjoy what I am able to give instead of what she needs from me. I need a "pinch hitter," so-to-speak.

I love her intensely and she deserves this.

As for me, I am interested in being polyamorous myself, down the road. After I have had a chance to work out loving myself, I will be able to love in a way that I would also need the same exploration I will have been allowing my wife.
I am having trouble, however, putting my reasons into words. If anyone has any of their reasons to share, maybe it would give me some guidance as to why I feel so exhilarated but cannot, for the life of me, say why.
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:10 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Just to clarify, is she needing "more" in the sexual department or the emotional department? That distinction is important. How would you feel about her falling in love with your pinch hitter? How would you feel about him moving in with you, if things work out really well between them? Not that this is inevitable, but it's something you may want to consider and discuss, because it could be a possibility down the road.

My concern here is that you're looking at polyamory as a way to fix something that's missing in your marriage. Unfortunately, it doesn't really work that way. In general, whatever is not working between spouses will be not-working-even-worse if they explore polyamory without dealing with those problems first.

There's no clean and easy solution to the problem of an unbalanced relationship, and certainly it's not as easy as "she'll just go out and get a boyfriend." If she's anything like me, it's not simply that she wants "more attention" it's that she wants "more attention from you." Trust me, I've been in her shoes. Hubby works on the road and I get lonely a lot. It's crossed my mind to just fill in the hole with some other toy, but I know deep down, that won't fill the void.

What I've been doing to fill that void is trying to meet more friends. Just friends. I'm lonely because I sit at home too much, by myself. Oh sure, when I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself, I say it's because my husband works on the road and I never see him. But let's get real. If I was single and lonely, I couldn't blame anyone but me, and I would have to find my own solution. Why should getting married give you an automatic scapegoat for not dealing with your personal issues?

And if it's just your sex drives that are unbalanced, well that's what vibrators are for... Married men across the country are forced to get themselves off every night as their wives pretend to be sleeping (something I'll never understand, but I digress)... why should exceptionally horny women be any different?
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:16 AM
Godfather76 Godfather76 is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Just to clarify, is she needing "more" in the sexual department or the emotional department? That distinction is important. How would you feel about her falling in love with your pinch hitter? How would you feel about him moving in with you, if things work out really well between them? Not that this is inevitable, but it's something you may want to consider and discuss, because it could be a possibility down the road.

My concern here is that you're looking at polyamory as a way to fix something that's missing in your marriage. Unfortunately, it doesn't really work that way. In general, whatever is not working between spouses will be not-working-even-worse if they explore polyamory without dealing with those problems first.

There's no clean and easy solution to the problem of an unbalanced relationship, and certainly it's not as easy as "she'll just go out and get a boyfriend." If she's anything like me, it's not simply that she wants "more attention" it's that she wants "more attention from you." Trust me, I've been in her shoes. Hubby works on the road and I get lonely a lot. It's crossed my mind to just fill in the hole with some other toy, but I know deep down, that won't fill the void.

What I've been doing to fill that void is trying to meet more friends. Just friends. I'm lonely because I sit at home too much, by myself. Oh sure, when I'm feeling particularly sorry for myself, I say it's because my husband works on the road and I never see him. But let's get real. If I was single and lonely, I couldn't blame anyone but me, and I would have to find my own solution. Why should getting married give you an automatic scapegoat for not dealing with your personal issues?

And if it's just your sex drives that are unbalanced, well that's what vibrators are for... Married men across the country are forced to get themselves off every night as their wives pretend to be sleeping (something I'll never understand, but I digress)... why should exceptionally horny women be any different?
Love the name! I am a math student because I want to be a theoretical physicist. It's both sexually and emotionally. And it's not that we're not providing it, it's that humans are animals, but we are animals with cognition who are capable of love. I would have no issues with her falling in love with someone else, humans should love as much as they can. Our relationship is primary and to be kept intact, but what happens in polyamory would only allow us the freedom to love to the best of our abilities, not tied to one person who deprives us of things because society says so.
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Old 08-09-2011, 08:50 AM
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Glad you started a new thread Isaac :-)

I think you have a bit of a case of NRE with polyamory itself.

You do not have enough emotional/sexual energy for your wife so why do you think that down the road you will have enough for anyone else?

I have been mono in our relationship until now and I am seriously considering exploring poly myself. Why? There is no intellectual answer that I can be sure of. I am probably going to try it because his polyamory is just plain making me sad and I can't shake it off. I shift it for a few days but then something triggers me off again. All I can assume is that it's a heart response rather than a head response.
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Old 08-09-2011, 02:43 PM
IsntLifeFun IsntLifeFun is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
And if it's just your sex drives that are unbalanced, well that's what vibrators are for... Married men across the country are forced to get themselves off every night as their wives pretend to be sleeping (something I'll never understand, but I digress)... why should exceptionally horny women be any different?
I agree to a point. Self satisfying is a temporary fix. And it's a slim substitute for the real thing. Just my opinion. Sorry to get off (hehe pun) topic.
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Old 08-09-2011, 02:51 PM
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PolyHannah PolyHannah is offline
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Isaac,

We found ourselves in a similar situation. My husband is a stay home and play MMOs guy and I'm a go to the club and hit on boys gal. We love each other and have no reason to want to separate. Yet, I was feeling unfulfilled - I could play all night with friends, but couldn't build those relationships deeper. He was feeling that he couldn't give me enough - we actually used the term "needing a pinch hitter" to describe my sex drive.

We spent a year carefully crafting a monogamous-with-certain-exceptions lifestyle and breaking down what we would and wouldn't do. Then working through the emotional aspects... ugh... all without any help from forums/websites/books. We just made it up as we went along and only later found it had a name.

What did he want? He wanted to take some of the pressure to please off. He found two people - me and his gf. He found joy in showing her all his favorite movies (How has she NOT seen BladeRunner?!?). I sure didn't want to see them AGAIN. She comes over or he goes to her when they want to spend a quiet evening in. He found the time and energy to love two because he gets more special, quiet, nerdy time.

What did I want? Some freedom to explore the sexual aspect of some of my friendships. I got a great travelling companion - we love road trips. We got a closer friendship. We also found out we were better friends without the sex. We still travel together and share a bed. We just keep our clothes on.

So, we're still in process. He's settled and happy with two. I'm not sure what my poly-saturation number is, but I'm out dating. I'm having fun with it. I'm just thrilled to come home to him, to know that stability is there... even if it used to grate on me.

Feel free to keep chatting with me on this topic. I'm happy to share.
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Old 08-09-2011, 04:31 PM
Godfather76 Godfather76 is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyHannah View Post
Isaac,

We found ourselves in a similar situation. My husband is a stay home and play MMOs guy and I'm a go to the club and hit on boys gal. We love each other and have no reason to want to separate. Yet, I was feeling unfulfilled - I could play all night with friends, but couldn't build those relationships deeper. He was feeling that he couldn't give me enough - we actually used the term "needing a pinch hitter" to describe my sex drive.

We spent a year carefully crafting a monogamous-with-certain-exceptions lifestyle and breaking down what we would and wouldn't do. Then working through the emotional aspects... ugh... all without any help from forums/websites/books. We just made it up as we went along and only later found it had a name.

What did he want? He wanted to take some of the pressure to please off. He found two people - me and his gf. He found joy in showing her all his favorite movies (How has she NOT seen BladeRunner?!?). I sure didn't want to see them AGAIN. She comes over or he goes to her when they want to spend a quiet evening in. He found the time and energy to love two because he gets more special, quiet, nerdy time.

What did I want? Some freedom to explore the sexual aspect of some of my friendships. I got a great travelling companion - we love road trips. We got a closer friendship. We also found out we were better friends without the sex. We still travel together and share a bed. We just keep our clothes on.

So, we're still in process. He's settled and happy with two. I'm not sure what my poly-saturation number is, but I'm out dating. I'm having fun with it. I'm just thrilled to come home to him, to know that stability is there... even if it used to grate on me.

Feel free to keep chatting with me on this topic. I'm happy to share.
I'm so, incredibly happy you posted. I also love my MMOs.

I think that what you describe your husband as having found is what I'm looking for. I told my wife that she needs to find a jock and I need to find a nerd. haha

I want someone who will watch those movies with me, AGAIN, and she wants someone who will workout with her and go on hikes. Me, I'm almost lvl 84, ya know?

We are in the planning process. Neither of us is running ahead toward anything, although she has permission to do so if she chooses. I feel more ready now than I was a week ago to partake, but I am being careful.

My wife's main concern has been for me. Girls are crazy (no offense!) and I have been hurt in the past, so she is afraid that some girl will play with my heartstrings. She is especially worried that this will happen if the main reason for the relationship is sex.
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Old 08-09-2011, 04:52 PM
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PolyHannah PolyHannah is offline
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No offense taken.
Girls ARE crazy. Boys are stupid.
And sometimes we're crazy because of stupid boys.

More relationships means more trial and error.
So yep, you could have some crazy gal play on your heartstrings. You could also find something wonderful.

The greatest problems I've had was with mono-folk. People who were sure that after a period of time we would move in together or I would divorce. I've also seen them become possessive. Share with husband OK, but not to see anyone else. Try meeting your local polys (you can search OKC for the word). Make friends there. Not to say you have to go out. Just start with e-mail friends. Then see if any are online and would like to schedule a raid.

We got around this problem by giving each other "right of refusal". Your wife may have an instinctual reaction that says, "That person is nuts!" She would then express those concerns to you. You could proceed with a relationship, but be more careful... or follow her advice and cut and run. Either way, having her meet your potential paramour before you add a sexual element to your friendship would give you a chance to evaluate how she'll fit in with your current relationship structure.
Sometimes having two sets of eyes on a problem, makes the solution easier to find.

Feel free to e-mail me anytime.
Lori
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:16 PM
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nicothoe nicothoe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Godfather76 View Post
My wife's main concern has been for me. Girls are crazy (no offense!) and I have been hurt in the past, so she is afraid that some girl will play with my heartstrings.
Unfortunately, the wife doesn't have the power to prevent this from happening. One of the consequences of dating and falling in love again, is the risk of things ending badly. It's that whole better to have loved and lost mumbo-jumbo. Of course, this time around you have a loved one who is looking out for you, who will give you her frank and honest opinion, and call other people on their crap. While the wife and I don't have veto power over each other relationships, if we sense something bad is happening, then we will express our concern.

Dating is so much easier when you have a wife! *grin*
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:29 PM
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nicothoe nicothoe is offline
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In answer to your initial question, sometimes there isn't a reason. It's not like you look at your life and say, "This piece is being unfilled" and then go looking for someone to fill it. People are much more complex and interesting than that. If you were to ask me, "what does you girlfriend offer that your wife doesn't?", while I could mention a few things, they are not the reasons I am with her. I am with her because....well....she's her.

Just having the other person in your life is reason enough.
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