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Old 08-11-2011, 09:04 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Bergen, Norway
Posts: 79

Originally Posted by River View Post
I'd like to ask participants here this.:

Are you anxious about the loss of your loved one/s?

Let's answer on a numerical scale.

No, not at all - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 - Intenesely, yes!
2 months into mono/poly relationship, me being mono, I'll have to say still an 8, but my conscious understanding of the reason has changed dramatically. In the beginning, I was pretty much a constant 8-10, feeling very threatened and insecure about my partner's new relationship. That has changed, I feel much safer and secure with the situation, but I still have too much of a dependency on my partner. This is however something I am consciously working on, and it's slowly getting better. I am at times really happy for her, and the love she experiences. At other times I grieve the loss of what we had, but I also celebrate that loss of stagnation and stoicity (is that even a word?). But anxiety? Yes, I has it. :-/
Mono engaged to poly VanillaCrazyCake

Don't fear god, don't worry about death; What is good is easy to get, and what is terrible is easy to endure.
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Old 08-11-2011, 08:49 PM
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nicothoe nicothoe is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Montgomery, IL
Posts: 64

With regards to my wife, I would say I am at a 1. We tend to get along fabulously, and rarely tire of each other's presence.

With the GF, it is more of a 3-4. She sometimes talks about moving to another part of the country, although she is not making any plans. I suspect new opportunities and circumstances are more likely to end our relationships than personal conflict.
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Old 08-13-2011, 02:34 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

I think the importance of trying to define such terms is closely tied to the expansion of love that poly offers. And the need to understand what might be called different levels of connectedness.

With conventional mono relationships there is a certain expectation of a level of 'passion' (sexual attraction/chemistry?) as part of the equation in order to fully qualify as 'love'. . In other words - a strong sexual desire component. (yes there can be exceptions)

But moving over to poly it becomes much more apparent that there is no black & white - but an endless variation of shades of grey. And this is what causes a lot of confusion and problems. Because for a majority of us, our reference point is the mono world and the "we have the hots for each other" definition of love.

As someone else was discussing, and it's especially true to poly, you eventually find yourself addressing some comparative terms trying to understand it. Such as platonic/romantic, compassionate/passionate etc. This has the effect of trying to hold to that B/W catagorization.

But soon, most discover that it really isn't B/W and that trying to make it so (or dealing with someone who can only understand it in that context) causes huge problems.

Because how we attach to others isn't B/W ! We have various levels of attachment (use the 1-10 scale if you wish) and this applies to both the compassionate as well as the Passionate side. And what makes it worse is that these levels are NOT static ! They change over time with experiences shared and time lived. Peaks and valleys - not just some linear progression from point A to point B.

So this is where you see many less than functional relationships take root. Dependency/co-dependency. Roommate syndrome. The complete spectrum. And we see it constantly here as people come forth with their "all or nothing" dreams and approaches.

Maybe a more sensible and wiser approach is to grab onto that 1-10 scale approach and just let it be where it is TODAY. Yesterday it was somewhere else and tomorrow it likely will be too.

Especially in the realm of........romantic......love (sexual attraction/passion etc) . One or two 'sessions' does not necessarilly define where that connection may end up. I think we all know that but still default to judging early on. Then you have situations we see here all the time where the message - NOT openly and clearly conveyed, is "I'm not into you (sexually) that much". "It didn't really work great for me".

The mistake I think most of us frequently make here is not knowing how to convey that in a sensitive manner and letting the 'other' side of the equation (compassion/platonic etc) slip away as well.

New skills..............more practice.............

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