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  #11  
Old 08-08-2011, 05:57 PM
DoctorBones DoctorBones is offline
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So, first of all, yes, I am having direct, open and honest (sometimes they feel brutally honest) conversations with my wife about how I'm feeling. I agree that this is vital. She's sympathetic, having dealt with many of these same issues herself, but we both know that she can't really help me. This is something I have to overcome myself. And I'm trying really hard. I'm reading everything I can find about self-esteem building and breaking out of a codependent mode, blogging just for the sake of focusing my thoughts on the topic, and questioning everything I think or feel regarding my relationships. Sometimes I'm successful in replacing the painful thoughts with something healthier, sometimes I'm not.

But damnit, this HURTS. I haven't experienced anything this painful for over 20 years. I broke down in tears twice this morning before even leaving the house. I know I have to dig deep, really deep, into myself and find the strength to manage my own state of mind without outside intervention. Every fiber of my being is screaming for relief and I want so badly to engage in all my codependent behaviors, especially to tell Jane how I'm feeling and try to cry on her shoulder despite the terrible pain of her own that she's experiencing. When she asks, and I know she will because that's part of who she is (and part of why I love her), I'll tell her the truth about how I'm struggling. But I will be very careful to keep it in the context of wanting to be here for her, and doing the very best I can to work out my own issues, which are not her problem, so that I can do that. In the meantime I will just keep working on this and being a positive presence for her. I'm not going to lie to her about what's going on inside me, but I'm not going to dump it on her shoulders either.

I just wish personal growth didn't have to hurt so much...
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  #12  
Old 08-08-2011, 06:04 PM
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But then it wouldn't be personal growth
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  #13  
Old 08-08-2011, 06:51 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Why exactly did you break down in tears twice? I'm not seeing the codependency aspect of this situation. You're a week into the relationship and you think your codependent already?
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  #14  
Old 08-08-2011, 07:28 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DoctorBones View Post
I'm beginning to understand that the anger I feel . . . is selfish anger at him for depriving me of the flow of Jane's positive energy toward me. I've never learned to take good emotional care of myself and I feel abandoned . . . I have managed to take her crushing personal crisis and make it about me. That's pretty messed up and I'm slightly ashamed to admit it.
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Is it fair, in all honesty, for me to burden Jane with my own pain?
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Originally Posted by DoctorBones View Post
I haven't experienced anything this painful for over 20 years . . . Every fiber of my being is screaming for relief and I want so badly to engage in all my codependent behaviors, especially to tell Jane how I'm feeling and try to cry on her shoulder despite the terrible pain of her own that she's experiencing.
You need to grow up. Stand naked in front of a mirror. Are there balls between your legs? Pubic hair? If so, then stop acting like a child. You've taken the "Co-Dependent" label and are hiding behind it. This relationship is a few months old, and the woman is going through something that is utterly and completely devastating, and somehow you seem to think that not getting her attention warrants asking for some consideration. Stop being so damn selfish, man.

It's rather telling that you conveniently overlooked this part of sagency's post:
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I would strongly advise against talking to her about your hurt at this time. Consider how Jane might take that: your daughter's been abused, and your husband is trying to destroy you, but don't forget that you have wrecked my emotions, too. Is that helpful?
When you wrote, "But dammit this hurts!" after his post, it really came off like a childish tantrum.

There are two kinds of emotions. The genuine kind that rise up naturally in response to circumstances, which is the pain Jane is going through, and the self-indulgent kind we manufacture out of our own thoughts, which is what you're going through. If you stopped thinking about what you believe you're not getting from her, that pain would go away. You are being so totally self-centered and self-obsessed, it isn't funny. Get out of your head and into your life. Be productive, make things happen, work with your hands, get some physical exercise, let go of the mindfuck you indulge in. You will never be there for yourself nor anyone else in any real, loving way if you continue on the track you are on, and you could lose Jane altogether because of it.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-08-2011 at 07:49 PM.
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  #15  
Old 08-09-2011, 01:04 AM
DoctorBones DoctorBones is offline
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Nycindie -

I'm really disappointed at the tone of your post. Do you come here just to be critical of people who are struggling with things they find difficult? I'm sure you can find more satisfying targets if you'll look closer to home. Maybe the down-and-out drug addicts in your local city park will lie down long enough for you to smack then with a hose if you're quick about it.

But I forgot, this is the Internet... here you don't have to put your own face on the bile you spew. You accuse me of hiding behind a label, without knowing anything about me other than what I've put here...yet you're the one hiding behind a monitor and keyboard as you take potshots at people who are in pain and doing their best to fix it. Your point of view would have been welcome if you didn't apparently feel the need to be so judgemental and hostile about it.

I don't need your attitude - please feel free not to reply to any further threads of mine. You haven't taken the time, nor have you been given the opportunity, to understand me or my situation well enough to say things like this, so please don't.
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  #16  
Old 08-09-2011, 01:08 AM
DoctorBones DoctorBones is offline
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On a brighter note:

The weirdest thing has happened. I feel good.

That's not necessarily weird in itself, but I can't put a particular reason to it, other than that I've been trying all day to dig myself at least a little ways out of the pit of despair that I've found myself in since last week.

The day sure didn't start out well. I had two crying fits before I even left the house this morning, and another short one in the office while I was trying to get started on my workday. Thank FSM I have my own office... But it seems that maybe, just maybe, some of the efforts to find my own strength are bearing fruit, and faster than I ever would have expected. I noticed a gradual lightening of my mood all day - nothing really palpable moment-to-moment, but just a general sense of feeling stronger and more complete. I kept wanting to check personal email, for a word from my partner in distress, or a notification of a thread response, or anything validating, but most of the time I was able to resist that temptation and get my head back where it needed to be. And every time I did that felt like a little victory. Throughout the day I also noticed that it seemed to be getting easier to believe, and really *believe*, that I'm a great person who deserves great things and other great people in his life. The need for comfort from others, which felt so strong in the morning, seemed to just dissipate over time.

And when I got in the car to come home after work, I turned on the radio and found myself feeling actually *happy*. It's a short drive home from my office, but the whole way I was bobbing my head, drumming on the steering wheel, and otherwise acting like a total dork, and loving it. I'm still feeling good. Not euphoric, but good. Centered. Positive.

I hope it's not directly connected to the good news from my secondary today. Her lawyer says the douche-in-chief's latest stunt won't stand, and will only hurt him in court this week. I was really glad to hear this, but I don't think that's what accounts for my good mood. It doesn't change her basic situation, and it doesn't change any of the stressful situation with my wife and her new relationship. The lightening of my mood was a gradual thing that's been going on all day, not tied directly to any one thing, so I'm daring to hope that this is something real, that I've achieved a thing I never used to think I could do - digging myself up out of the hole, not just to a point where I'm OK but where I'm actually feeling happy and vital.


Time will tell. I'm not naive enough to think that there won't be more bad moments, bad days, bad weeks. Recovery from any emotional upset is a wobbly process, with lots of ups and downs. But I think today proves that I'm capable of leveraging my own strength and my own positivity to take care of my own needs. That's a big step in the right direction and I'm content with that for one day. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
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  #17  
Old 08-09-2011, 01:09 AM
DoctorBones DoctorBones is offline
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Dingedheart - I'm referring to patterns I established decades ago and have never really broken. And we're a lot farther than a week into the situation. This drama has been going on for months, but I think what happened this weekend is that I finally had enough of my own bullshit and started finding a better way to live, one centered on my own emotions instead of other people's.
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  #18  
Old 08-09-2011, 01:18 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DoctorBones View Post
Advice, admonitions, criticism, words of support...anything is welcome, as I feel close to my wits' end right now.
Perhaps the Doctor would like to start a thread in Life Stories and Blogs and not invite unbridled criticism there.
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  #19  
Old 08-09-2011, 02:46 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DoctorBones View Post
Nycindie -

I'm really disappointed at the tone of your post. Do you come here just to be critical of people who are struggling with things they find difficult? I'm sure you can find more satisfying targets if you'll look closer to home. Maybe the down-and-out drug addicts in your local city park will lie down long enough for you to smack then with a hose if you're quick about it.

But I forgot, this is the Internet... here you don't have to put your own face on the bile you spew. You accuse me of hiding behind a label, without knowing anything about me other than what I've put here...yet you're the one hiding behind a monitor and keyboard as you take potshots at people who are in pain and doing their best to fix it. Your point of view would have been welcome if you didn't apparently feel the need to be so judgemental and hostile about it.

I don't need your attitude - please feel free not to reply to any further threads of mine. You haven't taken the time, nor have you been given the opportunity, to understand me or my situation well enough to say things like this, so please don't.
So if she says, what many of us are thinking,..she is the asshole ?

Listen up, buttercup. You will get many points of view. Especially when you ASK for opinions from various angles. If nycindie was just interested in being a jerk to you, she would of said it in one sentence.
'You,..are a douchebag.' .....end of story.

She took the time to show where your inner thoughts that you are expressing to us are heading down the wrong path.

We all par-take in selfish and destructive behaviours at times. The good people acknowledge it, and try and do better. No one is perfect.


Hate her advice all you want, but she is just trying to wake you up, so you`d dont lose your girlfriend while you self-sabatoge.
Lots of people hate the 'blunt' type of advice but you know what the truth of it is ? 5 years from now,..10 years from now,..2 months from now.....You will remember the blunt stuff as it comes true.
While the hand-holding nicey-nice advice will be fuzzy.

Now,..if all you want to do is VENT the inner thoughts, with no anti-fuzzy
feedback, then you can do that in the blogs section.
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  #20  
Old 08-09-2011, 02:48 AM
DoctorBones DoctorBones is offline
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Perhaps the denizens of this board would like to offer constructive criticism, not snark and smug, sneering hostility disguised as direct feedback.

The message would have been welcome, if it came wrapped in something that resembled civility. The attitude was not. If this is what this community is like, I can do without all of it.
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