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  #21  
Old 08-18-2011, 11:42 PM
ClariceK ClariceK is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I wasn't refering to the cheating, secrets and lies that was going down with your girlfriend, that is absolutely not OK! I was only commenting on DaJoshy's apparent OPP (one penis policy). To me that is hypocritical.
It kinda is, and he knows that I think it is a insecurtiy of his and that I think he is sometimes grandiose. We have no secrets from each other or anyone else.

It wasnt a "we versus her" till after she cheated, I mean honestly, she cheated on both of us, of course WE would be upset and take that view.

As far as the OPP I honestly have no desire for another penis in the relationship. He has no desire for another penis in the relationship. If three bisexual men were in a relationship together and they had a "no vagina policy" would it be unreasonable to ask that be respected if all agree to it?
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  #22  
Old 08-19-2011, 12:04 AM
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Originally Posted by ClariceK View Post
If three bisexual men were in a relationship together and they had a "no vagina policy" would it be unreasonable to ask that be respected if all agree to it?
I would say that if any of these men are bisexual it would be unfair to set a "no vagina policy" in the first place (so it's ok to add other males, just no females). What I have learned, is that boundries, rules and expectations set up in the beginning aren't always reasonable (even if everyone agreed to them) and don't necessarily work 3, 6, 12 months down the road. Life throws us curves and when we are unwilling to change, bend and discuss other options as they arise things break in rather dramatic fashion. Making sure our partners know we are willing to even have the discussion (even if no one is ready for changes) makes a big difference.

Last edited by SNeacail; 08-19-2011 at 06:52 AM.
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  #23  
Old 08-19-2011, 06:06 AM
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Agreeing with SNeacail here. She isn't digging the OPP any more and unfortunately seems to of cheated as a result. I don't know what happened to get there, but if there was no give in changing your boundaries then I would guess she felt trapped. Trapped by two people, not just one! Still not a good reason to cheat. To me there is no good reason. Throwing a hissy fit and leaving is a better idea, but people who feel trapped do cheat.

Time to look are your agreements I would think... or dump her. Personally I think that salvaging and moving to a new and deeper commitment with new boundaries and a whole lot of empathy, caring, concern and making it safe for her to open up as to why she did what she did is a better option. It seems that there is no give here and really, why bother staying in it if you are so determined to lay out the rules and not bend them when one of you is not thriving in them.

The thing with unicorns is that they are usually, following the traditional description of a unicorn, are not getting their needs met. You don't own her, you don't and shouldn't be supporting her, and you have no right to be resentful for something that you helped set up that isn't working.... if it isn't working change it...
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  #24  
Old 08-19-2011, 06:30 AM
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I understand she moved out a while ago . . . isn't that correct????
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  #25  
Old 08-19-2011, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by DaJoshy View Post
I have read a lot of this website, and i understand honesty is not a highly valued asset, but this overwhelming sense of deciding to attack someone for what you determine as wrong is just plain nuts. I hope you can have your own relationships with every penis in the world if thats what you desire, its not for us, so perhaps more progress will be made focusing on something other than your need to include more men in my relationship.
Just curious; which specific posts/threads have given you the feel that people on these boards don't value honesty?

I think people commenting on this have a hard time grasping your perspective, which I tried to highlight above. If I understood correctly, you don't view you and Clarice having separate secondary relationships as an option at all. Whatever you do, you do TOGETHER, as an item, as a couple. There are no separate relationships - even when in a triad, you view it as a ONE relationship instead of as a set of three or four relationships. In that sense, it makes perfect sense when you say you're straight and thus don't want to be involved with males, which is something I didn't get at all when I read your post.

The fact remains that most people in here think that is a counterproductive attitude, and will honestly say so. Also the ownership attitude you exhibit in your posts when it comes to women, not wanting to steal a woman away from another man, is bound to set people, myself included, off. But I'm not auditioning to become your unicorn and if it's worked for you in the past, then more power to you. I have trouble believing that many women experienced with poly would be going along with your rules, which is why I wondered where you have met your previous unicorns, but hey, if I'm wrong, please say so!

I'm surprised this thread is still going on because it seems this has been your first bad experience with unicorns and since the situation has resolved, you are going to continue on your chosen path. Thus I'm a bit perplexed as to what's supposed to be the "something other" you wish people would focus on. If you want people to condemn SluttyUnicorn's behaviour, I think there's pretty much a consensus that what she did was wrong but you also had unrealistic expectations and made some bad choices along the way.
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  #26  
Old 08-20-2011, 05:22 AM
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Here's a thought my partner had, DaJoshy: If any woman with you would be so enthralled by your wonderful self/massive penis, why does it need to be a "rule" that your Unicorn not date other men? Shouldn't it just work that way naturally?
Also, what does it say about your wife that your Unicorn gets all the male lovin' she needs from you, but not enough woman-lovin' from her?

My point now: There's something I noticed here when either of you guys discuss what you want in the relationship. You say that the two of you only want women and no dudes in your relationship. Okay, that's great.

Where's the talk about what the third person wants in your relationship? Or hell, even in her own relationship (there's no reason why if she's dating another guy, the both of you have to fuck him). I think it's very telling that every time you talk about this standard and what you want, your only concern seems to be each other.
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  #27  
Old 08-20-2011, 05:39 AM
DaJoshy DaJoshy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nacirema View Post
Here's a thought my partner had, DaJoshy: If any woman with you would be so enthralled by your wonderful self/massive penis, why does it need to be a "rule" that your Unicorn not date other men? Shouldn't it just work that way naturally?
Also, what does it say about your wife that your Unicorn gets all the male lovin' she needs from you, but not enough woman-lovin' from her?

My point now: There's something I noticed here when either of you guys discuss what you want in the relationship. You say that the two of you only want women and no dudes in your relationship. Okay, that's great.

Where's the talk about what the third person wants in your relationship? Or hell, even in her own relationship (there's no reason why if she's dating another guy, the both of you have to fuck him). I think it's very telling that every time you talk about this standard and what you want, your only concern seems to be each other.


LMAO...who ever mentioned my massive penis?

You are right, she can date whomever she wishes, now that she has decided to move on. My wife and I have been together for 15 years now. We have struggled to accomplish many things in our lives and have, and continue to be, greatly rewarded. To have some chickie come in as a sex partner to decide that day one she should have an equal share in our fortunes is ASSININE. I understand that for the one coming in to the relationship with no car, no job, and no place to live...that the idea that she just puts out a lil and becomes heir to the throne is wonderful! I dont mind sharing, but it was Clarice and i who struggled through college. It was Clarice and i who were together through her cancer treatments. It was Clarice and I who decided to only take a 10 year mortgage to be able to basically retire early (both, under 40). And it is Clarice and i whom have dealt with user after user as they have come and gone.

Yeah, you know what, it might not be the relationship every girl dreams about while growing up. The standards Clarice and I have set forth in our relationship do not come as any suprise to the women we date. I expect openness and honestly, and not much more. The fact remains that the last woman we dated cheated for nearly 4 months before we found out and kicked her out. If you think a constant trashing of me for some idea of "OPP" is where the issues arrise from, then my typing the same replies again and again will not matter.

Perhaps the one thing wrong ive done consistently is not treating the women how they probably should be treated, like the tramps they become.
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  #28  
Old 08-20-2011, 06:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaJoshy View Post
To have some chickie come in as a sex partner to decide that day one she should have an equal share in our fortunes is ASSININE.
If you only want extra sex partners to spice up your love life, then stop telling yourself and potential playthings you want to be polyamorous. People who want poly have expectations for more involvement than just letting their bodies be used for your enjoyment. They want real relationships and a sense of partnership. It sounds like you are more suited to just being open or swingers, definitely not poly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaJoshy View Post
Perhaps the one thing wrong ive done consistently is not treating the women how they probably should be treated, like the tramps they become.
Well, if this is how you view women, no wonder that's the type you attract.

Basically, if you're out to use others as sex toys without consideration for deeper feelings and a more heart-centered connection, then you will be appealing to women who will use you for whatever they want. Tit for tat, you reap what you sow. So, examine your priorities and make it clear what you're after. Don't say you want a poly girlfriend when you just want a sex partner. I don't think poly is for you because you are apparently very couple-focused and seem to just want an additional person for primarily sexual activities.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 08-20-2011 at 06:12 AM.
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  #29  
Old 08-20-2011, 12:11 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Lots of problems here. I read up on other posts of yours, Clarice... You've been through a lot of health issues, mental illness, cancer. DaJoshy has shown you, however, that he thinks psychological therapy is bullshit. He has also shown in his few posts here how very sarcastic he is, and how much trouble he has simply sharing his emotions. He also doesn't understand polyamory, and just wants sex with another woman, not a full relationship. No wonder your unicorn left.

I read you saying you don't have much of a sex drive. So, you allow other women into your couple to take care of Joshy's unmet sexual needs. But you 2 don't communicate well, he isn't open about his emotions. You and SluttyUnicorn (sheesh, what a name) were able to talk about emotions together, but obviously some deep issues weren't addressed, since she started an online relationship with another guy behind your backs.

Maybe her new guy is more open with his emotions than Josh is able to be. Maybe he doesn't just want her for sex, as Josh seemed to. His inability to be able to express emotions without sarcasm seems to be a stumbling block in your marriage. How much worse it must be for a unicorn, who isn't given an equal say in setting boundaries, who feels left out of being with his work friends, or with your extended families.

Do you realize that if Josh was more open with his emotions and able to go more deeply into difficult relationship issues, there is a chance your sex drive would pick up? Lack of full communication can lead to a deadening of excitement sexually.

Instead, you seem to use other women as a bandaid in your marriage. "He's nicer to me when he's got another woman in his life."

So, OK. You 2 worked hard and despite your health issues, are well off enough to have retired before age 40. You still have relationship issues that lead you to bring in this needy woman with a child, as a "sex partner," mainly for Josh.

Being poly does allow us to fulfill our needs that our primary doesn't fill. But if you and Josh have such deep struggles, shown in how he wanted you to dump your longtime therapist because the therapist asked him to look more deeply into his childhood issues, is a big red flag.

Seems to me you two should work on your own communication issues, instead of using a young "sex partner" to distract him with his lust. That is not fair to the unicorn.
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  #30  
Old 08-20-2011, 06:17 PM
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NYC, MAGS- you rock.... well said.

This seems to be a typical unicorn situation. Right down to the letter. This is why I don't understand why anyone would want to be a unicorn.

I wonder, have you read the secondary bill of rights?

http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html#bor
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