Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-17-2011, 05:46 AM
Phantessa's Avatar
Phantessa Phantessa is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 27
Default Polyamory paused by pregnancy/child

I only recently learned about polyamory a few years ago. After speaking to a friend who is polyamorous, I broke down in tears because it just clicked for me. Suddenly, the feelings I had for other people while in a relationship was ok. My husband and I began to converse about it and we were open to exploring polyamory. I found someone to explore an online relationship with and months later I met him in person. He scared the shit out of me. He was physically aggressive and expected sex right away… I went to a public place with him and came running home. Epic fail...

My husband and I decided to have a child. During my pregnancy and for some time after we decided to put polyamory on hold. She’s 6 months now. Pregnancy and now parenthood has taken a major toll on our relationship. I know we made a good decision to put polyamory on hold. However, I recognize the desire to explore a second relationship to get my emotional needs met because he’s pulled away. I know we need to get our relationship on solid ground before we can explore any other relationships. We’ve started seeing a counselor to work on our relationship. It’s been hard and I know the first two years that a couple has a child are usually the hardest, but I never expected this. So, I post this thread: 1. To vent 2. To find out if anyone else had a similar experience and how things worked out 3. To get some support and/or advice.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-17-2011, 06:18 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default

I felt like my relationship with my baby (both times) pulled so much time and attention away from my relationship with my husband, it was really hard to keep our marriage from being anything but a shared workload. I would guess this is not a good time to divide your time and attention any further.

Also, parenting gets way, way easier! Someone once told me, "The days are long but the years are short." If you can make it to age 3, which will be sooner than you think, then you'll find it a lot less work and a lot more entertaining. Can you give your husband that much?

(I feel funny offering advice when I'm so confused about my own life, but I get parenting.)
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-17-2011, 06:25 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,188
Default

Get as much help from family and friends as you can. Don't do it all yourself. Schedule time for just you and hubs to be intimate again (not just sexually, but all ways of intimacy - talking, playing, sharing, etc.). Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk . . .
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-17-2011, 05:17 PM
Phantessa's Avatar
Phantessa Phantessa is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 27
Default

I appreciate the words of wisdom from you both. We really haven't had much downtime to be together. My mother-in-law comes every now and then. I work full time and he's a college student and full time dad. We don't really have any other family or friends nearby to watch her, but we also have a hard time wanting someone else to watch her. We've started going hiking again, which was something we enjoyed doing together and was always a great opportunity for us to talk. It's different when we're pushing her in a stroller with us, but she pretty much sleeps the whole time. I know we need to keep talking, but I don't know if it's lack of sleep or sheer frustration sometimes but when we talk it turns into an argument almost every single time. So, we've recently stopped talking as much to avoid arguments. We probably need to keep talking to push past it, but it takes so much energy to try talking right now.
__________________
"Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be."
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-17-2011, 05:20 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,188
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantessa View Post
I know we need to keep talking, but I don't know if it's lack of sleep or sheer frustration sometimes but when we talk it turns into an argument almost every single time. So, we've recently stopped talking as much to avoid arguments. We probably need to keep talking to push past it, but it takes so much energy to try talking right now.
Don't make every conversation about your relationship. Let your communications be a way to reconnect but by talking about other things, anything, and everything but you don't need to focus on how hard it's been and working on it all the time. Just try to see your partner as the new person he is - a dad! - and discover new things together. Don't stress and make it harder on yourself.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-17-2011, 07:23 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

We put our non-monogamous life on hold for three years while our boy reached an age where he was more independent and ready to go out in to the world more. Its quite normal and to be expected. Babies need their parents undivided attention for at least 18 months and then for the rest of your lives they will demand your attention in one way or another. I'm glad to hear that you are listening to that and doing the job at hand.

Its hard for dad's when baby is small as they only want their mumma. What dad's don't realize is that at about 18 months, give or take they suddenly just want daddy... the cycle goes around and around. Right now daddies job is to take care or both of you and make sure he is doing stuff that you can't because you have baby on your arm. Unfortunately there is not much time left for anything else. It will come around eventually though.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-18-2011, 02:58 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,232
Default

I can give you a related perspective.

My gf and I had been dating for about a year when she and her husband conceived. She says, in retrospect, that she started to feel distant as soon as she saw the positive test result. I think that being together during this difficult time in her life may ultimately strengthen our relationship and, if nothing else, has proven our mutual devotion to communicating with each other and my devotion to supporting her. But could our relationship have started during this time? It's hard to imagine that it could've. And even though her child is just 2 weeks old now, and things may change quickly, I'm beginning to see that the early stages of parenthood may test our relationship far more even than the pregnancy did. I miss her so much sometimes, even though we see each other about twice a week, because I can't *just* spend time with her, her baby and her husband need her far too much... and I struggle to give her good energy, during this time when she barely has enough energy to keep herself sane, much less give any back to me.

So, simply put, as someone involved with a new mom, it's hard for me to imagine a new mom forming a successful, strong bond with someone completely new to her life. When the demands on my gf's body and heart and time mean that I can't think of asking a fraction of all I'd love to ask of her, a part of me does wonder why I'm staying so emotionally involved, what I'm getting back. What allows me to hold on to my romantic love for my gf is that knowledge, that memory, of what we've already shared together, during that first year we were dating, pre-pregnancy. The love and bond formed then, which she would never be able to invest the time and energy into forming now, holds me with her.

All of that said, I don't want to entirely discourage you. By all means, set up an OKC profile, go to poly meetups, form new friendships, socialize! But if I were you I would go into it not expecting to necessarily be able to develop anything too deep in the immediate future.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-18-2011, 03:26 AM
Phantessa's Avatar
Phantessa Phantessa is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 27
Default

AnnabelMore, it's good to hear from your perspective. When I was pregnant and up until very recently I wasn't interested in any intimacy or relationship with anyone. I had a lot of little health scares in the last few months which are slowly going away. But, I think if I had someone in my life before the pregnancy that supported me through it and had a good relationship with my child I could see that bond being strengthened. I would imagine her husband may be feeling something similar to you as well.

Redpepper, I think we're feeling kinda reversed on the stereotypical norms. She's with her dad 24/7 and barely sees me. I had to go back to work 2 weeks after giving birth and I work full time. I feel like I barely see her and I think she's got a stronger connection to her dad. So, I hope that 18 month switch that you saw happens in reverse and that she wants mommy time! I think we're both kind of exhausted in general, she is only 6 months old.

I appreciate the support, it's nice to just talk some of this out and hear what other people have experienced.
__________________
"Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be."
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-18-2011, 03:49 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,232
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantessa View Post
When I was pregnant and up until very recently I wasn't interested in any intimacy or relationship with anyone. ... But, I think if I had someone in my life before the pregnancy that supported me through it and had a good relationship with my child I could see that bond being strengthened. I would imagine her husband may be feeling something similar to you as well. ... I appreciate the support, it's nice to just talk some of this out and hear what other people have experienced.
Phantessa, it's good to hear your perspective too! Knowing that you, too, lost interest in intimacy/relationships helps me feel less set aside by my gf. And you're right on target about her husband... in the last several posts in my blog in the Life Stories section I've been talking about just that.

I've often found that just writing out my thoughts in a public space, where I have to explain more than I might in a private journal, is really helpful. I'll so grateful for this forum!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:37 AM
sagency's Avatar
sagency sagency is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
Posts: 133
Default

My mono, K, and I have a son who turned six months...oh, 34 minutes ago. We planned to have the one child, and things were fine through the preganancy (big medical drama at the end, but all are ok now). Because we planned things out, we've been reasonably ok.

Pursuing any extra or complicated relationship stuff hasn't so much been put on hold as it just hasn't managed to be a priority enough to get serious attention. Right now is more about maintenance and tending to the tiny terrorist rather than building a larger or deeper family.

One of the things we do is make sure that each of us has sanity time--time away from baby. I had to send K out earlier because she was fried, so I stayed with the kid. When she got back a few hours later, I was the one needing the rescue.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
children, kids, pregnancy polyamory child

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:06 PM.