Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 10-15-2011, 07:35 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

Mya is coming today!!! Oh my god I am SO happy to see her! These last three weeks did feel kinda long since we couldn't really talk; and we have a ton of catching up to do.

There's something positive the e-mailing with my dad brought up, too. He's so miserable in his life (which I'm sad about but there seriously isn't anything I can do, and he won't do anything about it [like get a divorce]) that every time I talk to him it reminds me how very happy I am in mine... I don't know if that sounds awful, like I'm reveling in his sadness.. But really what I try to say is.. I've lived there, and I was just as miserable. But look at how far I've come. I'm really, truly happy, and I feel that my happiness increases every day. I'm lucky to have all the things that I do, but a huge part of it is because I make myself happy. I concentrate on the things in my life, which I have and like, and not on those I don't. And I make choices that make me happy, even if they are scary and big and out of mainstream. (Disclaimer, though I doubt I need it on this forum: some people can become happy with choices which are mainstream, and more power to them, but I am not one of them.) And I feel and grow and enjoy the ride.
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 10-16-2011, 08:15 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

I was thinking in the morning that IŽll post about how I make myself CRAZY with being an idiot and stressing about both my partners having fun all the time. I know it's idiotic, because people are perfectly happy and satisfied in their everyday life without it being fucking rainbows and sunshine and puppies and fireworks every damn minute. Both Alec and Mya are having a good time, it's just me who is constantly worried, as if I were responsible for it or could do something about it anyway.

But right now I'm sitting on the computer, eating breakfast, and my loves are racing against each other on XBOX and laughing and enjoying themselves. And the stress is fading and I'm relaxed and happy and sooo in love. They are such amazing people... <3 <3
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 10-18-2011, 08:13 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 377
Default

It's been great here with rory (and Alec of course). It was amazing to see her! It has also been intense. We've talked a lot about the things we weren't able to before, had a huge amount of catching up to do. At times it has also been quite exhausting. Well, totally worth it anyway.

This first week that I'm spending at their place is a bit weird for all of us I guess. But of course it takes time for three people to get used to each others habits and for me also to rory and Alec's household. They have an excellent apartment though! I mean it's possible for us to take our own space and for rory to spend time with both me and Alec separately. Obviously we all hang out as a group as well. I've been happy with the time divide, I feel like I've gotten good amount of rory's time and we've spent good amount of time all together. And I've also gotten some skype time with JJ.

There's also been one bit of bad news. This whole traveling around has made me more broke than I thought. And I'm not getting paid yet since I just started my freelance job. So we talked about it and came to the conclusion that instead of flying to rory twice more this year (November and December, like we had planned), I'll only fly once at the end of November. But there's no point in spending money when you really couldn't afford it, so I guess we'll just have to deal with it. Once I start getting paid it's going to be easier and hopefully we'll reach that "every fourth week" plan from next year onwards.

Oh, and I got an early birthday present from rory! It was a really really good present. I meditate and I have a zafu for that at home. So she gave me one to be used here, too, because they're too big to be taking with me when I come here. She knows me so well and knows what's important for me. I love the present and I really love rory. <3
__________________
Me: bi female in my 30's
Live-in partners: Hank and rory
Partner: Yvonne
Exes that I might talk about: Zooey, Ray, Sol, Evan, JJ

Blog
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 10-19-2011, 10:23 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

I'd like to write here; to get some clarity. I have so many thoughts, and I'm feeling so many things, it feels like a mess. I'll try to express something.

First, I'll describe our daily routine for a bit. Mya's been here for 4 days now; on Sunday all three of us hung out and went shopping together, but the other three I've mostly spent alone with Mya. This is since Alec has been working, and me and Mya have been able to do only little work/studying. Today's the first day I'm spending at the Uni this week. Basically, of the time awake, me and Mya have spent around 7-11 hours alone together on each of the three days; a few hours of all three together (cooking, eating, etc.) and I've spent 1-2 hours alone with Alec. I've slept with Mya 3 nights and one with Alec.

You can see the largest issue right there: I have had no alone time. It is really important need for me in everyday life, but it is magnified by the fact that all the time spent in any setting (me with Mya, me with Alec, or me with Mya and Alec) is seriously intense. I have absolutely nobody to blame but myself for the lack of alone time; I haven't wanted to take it since I'm so exited to see Mya after spending three weeks apart. But I'm starting to feel exhausted, big time. I'm thinking so much, and feeling so much, even in the course of one day; mostly positive, but some negative, too. I think I would need time to balance it out by just relaxing and thinking non-poly-related things, or rather just turning my brain off for a while by watching dvds or something. Otherwise, I start to feel really tired. Also, it makes me loose perspective for a bit, so that every feeling (whether mine or somebody else's) starts to magnify and becomes hard to handle.

Another thing I notice when I look at how the time is spent is that maybe that could be balanced better. The goal is to balance, on one hand, being fair and taking into account everybody's needs (of which I seem to have neglected my own) and, on the other, to having somewhat more time with Mya now that she is here. Originally I imagined that Mya and I would both have quite a bit of work and studying, and that would take up more time than it has, so that we would only be able to have maybe 2-3 hours alone during the day. So it made sense that I would sleep two thirds of the nights with her and one third with Alec, so that we would be able to have quality time in the evening, too. But with the time taken out of studying and work, we've had a lot of alone time, whilst Alec and I have had quite a little. So I don't know if it would be fair to adjust the sleeping schedules.. Then again, things are different both today (when I'm at Uni for the whole day) and tomorrow (when Mya will leave to meet her friend around 11, and I'll have some time to myself and for studying). Friday I'll spend the whole day with Mya again, but she leaves on Saturday morning, so I'll then have the whole weekend to spend with Alec.

I'm getting better at thinking about things more in terms of needs and less in terms of fairness, but I do find it important to strive for equal consideration of wants. Sometimes it's hard, though, to define what is fair...
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 10-19-2011, 02:14 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 377
Default

We agreed today that rory is going to spend the next two nights with Alec, for several reasons, one of which is written above. I feel ok about it. We've had a lot of quality time together so it's fine not to have it as much during these couple of days, keeping in mind that we'll spend the whole Friday together.

For me it's sometimes difficult to put myself in someone else's shoes in this situation of ours. The possible problems are so different for all four of us: JJ has to spend time alone / apart from me. Alec has to deal with having me around a lot and not being able to spend as much time alone with rory as before. Rory has to balance time between me and Alec and like she just wrote, then she doesn't get enough time for herself. And me, I sometimes feel that the time rory isn't spending with me (although she has spent a lot) is somehow away from JJ. I mean, he's used to me being away at times and isn't really complaining, but sometimes I feel that if I'm not spending time with her, why am I even here, when I could be home with JJ.

That is the basic problem of not living in the same city. I'm sure things will even out when time passes. I won't be feeling like this, but hopefully more like this is my other home and we divide time like we think is best. I'll have to just accept that I'll be without JJ when I'm here and forget about the time "wasted" that I'm spending alone.

Then I have some news regarding this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mya View Post
I think I've lost a friend because of being in a poly relationship. She wasn't a very close friend anyway, so it's not too bad. But I do feel sad that this is something that makes someone disappear from my life. She is a former coworker of mine, from the time when I was working abroad. We kept writing each other every once in a while after I moved away from that country. Nothing really deep though, just keeping up with what's happening in each other's lives. Well, when I wrote her to tell her about this new situation of mine, she never replied. She didn't even answer my questions about her life. I waited over a month and wrote her again, this time not mentioning rory or anything about poly. I just asked how she was doing etc. And she didn't reply to that one either. This was about two weeks ago so I guess that's it then, I give up.
This is the friend rory was referring to in her post, the one I'm seeing tomorrow! So I didn't lose her after all and what's even more amazing is that she's now living in the same city as rory. She has just moved here like a couple of months ago or something. What a coincidence!
__________________
Me: bi female in my 30's
Live-in partners: Hank and rory
Partner: Yvonne
Exes that I might talk about: Zooey, Ray, Sol, Evan, JJ

Blog

Last edited by Mya; 10-19-2011 at 02:17 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 10-20-2011, 12:17 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

I'll add some more information about the sleeping arrangement. I did some thinking after I posted and realised that I actually had a feeling that I wanted to sleep with Alec, and that the biggest motivation for it wasn't so much the fairness issue but the fact that I would have a longer night's sleep because he goes to bed a few hours earlier. I was feeling really tired, so more sleep was a good thing. Yesterday wasn't as intense emotionally, so today I'm feeling less tired. Also, right now I'm at home alone. I'll need to do some studying soon, but it's still good.

I wanted to write something about the (negative) emotions and the work we face. I'll focus on the three of us, since I have the most knowledge of our situations, Mya can add about JJ if she wishes to. As Mya said, the positions are quite different for all four of us. She wrote about the fact that she feels like she's "sacrificing" (for the lack of a better term) time from JJ when she's here, particularly if we're not spending the time here as "effectively" as possible. Rationally she doesn't think that, but the emotions are different. There have also been some worries about the future. She can write more about her side of things if she feels like it.

For me, most emotions relate to "being enough", that is, meeting the needs of both of my partners when the both of them are here. I do think I'm pretty good at taking both of them into account. What I need to work on is being concious of my own needs, making boundaries, and not letting others or myself violate them. Particularly the first part; I often don't realise I need something until it becomes a bigger issue than it needs to be. Earlier I also wrote about wanting everybody to have a good time, but that anxiety has passed altogether. I think it will still come up from time to time (might be more again when all four of us hang out), but for now it doesn't look like too big an issue.

The feelings that poly brings up for Alec, and which he has expressed to me, have been pretty similar from the beginning: the issues are the same, but there is definitely progress in terms of the intensity, and it seems also in terms of frequency (that is, it seems he has negative feelings for a smaller proportion of time than before, but I think that can be assessed better when more time has passed, and it's hard for me to tell because obviously I don't know all that goes on in his head). Mostly Alec's negative feelings relate to self-esteem. Low self-esteem is something that has been an issue for him for the whole seven-and-a-half years of my relationship with him, but in which there has also been huge improvement during that time. Obviously it's a very long time, but he is a completely different person from who he was in the beginning. Anyway, there still remains work to be done, and poly is good at bringing these things to the surface. Sometimes he has fears that I'll prefer Mya, but these he can rationally see as unrealistic himself, so it doesn't seem like it's too hard for him to get over them with a bit of reassurance. More often it's just that he feels like he's "too much" when we spend time as a group, whether it's the three or the four of us. This feeling is pretty frequent, I'd say it surfaces about every other or every third day at some point, but it usually doesn't last for the whole day but maybe for a couple of hours. I think the only thing that'll make changes in this is him working on his self-esteem, and also possibly time.

It makes Alec both happy and sad to see me in NRE with Mya: on one hand he's genuinely happy for me, and feels compersion for my happiness, on the other, he feels sad that he and I can't have that. Also, Alec has said before that it feels weird to sleep alone when I'm home, and he misses me a bit. But he hasn't mentioned those things very much this time (more when Mya visited us in the summer), so it actually may have subsided a little (otherwise I think he would've mentioned it more). And there's still a bit of poly-related oddness for him, which is about the fact that, as he says, "he doesn't want to make Mya feel bad by hugging/kissing me in front of her". This resulted in him avoiding my attempts to touch him, which lead to me feeling bad. However, we had a discussion about this a few days ago: first, I assured him that (as far as I know) Mya doesn't feel bad in a situation like that, and, secondly, I explained to him that even if she does it's not "him making her feel bad" but her own feelings which she needs to work through and not something he should try to avoid. To this he responded that he'll make an attempt to hug me even if it feels strange to him. And yesterday we did hug quite a many times during a few hours while Mya was in the same room, so there were instant steps on that front.

Wow. There's quite a bit, when you start to write stuff down (and I may have forgotten something). What I'm glad about is that all four of us, as far as I can tell, do their best to own their own feelings. Also, I'm really happy about all the communication that's happening. I think many of the issues are such that time will in itself make them easier, like the NRE effects, and everything that requires getting used to (that is, everything). Poly is quite difficult in that it brings up a lot of emotional issues, which may be big or small, and to the solving of which there are no guarantees. I guess you just have to remember that a lot of people have gone through similar things (and worse), be patient, and have trust in each person's motivation and ability to work through their own issues. There comes some fear of uncertainty with that, but there's also so much to gain, and so much to enjoy during the ride, and the knowledge that whatever the end will be, it will be for the best for everybody.
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 10-20-2011, 01:10 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

When writing about expressing love to Mya in front of Alec, I touched a bit on making agreements, and then later some more; and I've been pondering making agreements ever since. I see it here on the forum sometimes that while working at either opening up, or towards a poly relationship, people in the relationship make a temporary agreement about some issue. For example, there can be an agreement that no sex will happen until a year has passed, or that there will be no PDAs for the first six months of the newer relationship. The aim of this is to give time to the person who is dealing with jealousy (or other uncomfortable feelings) time to process.

I see that for some people this approach works very well, and some have used it to build wonderfully successfull poly relationships. I think sometimes it's also a good tool to use for slowing down if the whole thing is moving too fast, for example due to NRE. In no way do I find a request for time unreasonable, particularly if it is motivated by sincere will to work on things. Hypothetically I can also imagine a situation where I might do so: for example if I was starting a relationship with somebody who was very actively dating, I might ask that she not look for new connections for a small while until we'd had time to establish our relationship.

However, because I'm not against the approach in theory, I've been thinking about why I would feel disinclided to consider it as an option in my relationship with Alec, even if there was a single specific thing bringing up intense negative emotions to him. It's because I know him, and how he processes things. I think for that approach to work, i.e. to be effective in giving time for processing, I think the person needs to have a specific way of processing things. They need to actively think about the issue in question, even when it's not topical/actual, and make progress with it. The way Alec processes things is different: he actively processes things mostly when they are concretely happening. Like in our situation, when Mya and I are in an LDR, Alec mostly thinks about poly things when me and him are spending time with Mya or with Mya and JJ, and not so much at other times. I think there's a lot going on, especially unconciously, in between the times of active processing. But really the progress he makes comes in steps when the issue is present. This is why I don't think it would work for us to make a certain thing temporarily off limits, even if there were such a thing that raised very negative feelings. I think that as long as it were off limits, there would be very little or no process being made in terms of it. I think for a person with a processing style like that of Alec's, the only way to make progress is to concretely face the fears/discomforts and work through them. Therefore, I wouldn't easily consider temporary boundaries on any aspect important to my relationship with Mya. Rather, I would (and do) give Alec all the support I can, and attempt to be considerate towards his feelings while still not enabling him to avoid them all together.
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 10-20-2011, 01:58 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,256
Default

Kudos on the hard work that all of you are doing!

A thought... have you guys considered the three of you -- M, R, and A -- occasionally sharing a bed? You certainly needn't do anything sexual, but it would solve the problem of splitting up nights. I slept platonically with a friend just the other night because she was crashing at my place for the evening and my bed is more comfortable than our couch.

Is the bed too small, would it bring up jealousy issues, or is there another reason not to just have Mya on one side of you and Alec on the other, at least now and then? One problem I can think of would be if she and he had very different sleeping schedules or styles. It also wouldn't work if you absolutely wanted to keep the possibility of sexual contact open.

I, personally, always found it difficult to fall asleep between Gia and Eric because of feeling like I shouldn't toss and turn too much when there was so little extra room, but I also found it really pleasant at the same time... I felt very warm and content sandwiched in the middle of two people I loved.

On an unrelated note, it would be really cool if either Alec or JJ wanted to pop on here now and them as "guest bloggers".
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 10-20-2011, 03:49 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 377
Default

Thanks for the comment, Annabel!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
A thought... have you guys considered the three of you -- M, R, and A -- occasionally sharing a bed? You certainly needn't do anything sexual, but it would solve the problem of splitting up nights.
There are several reasons why we aren't sharing a bed. One of them is our sleeping schedules, which differ quite a lot (Alec goes to bed early, I do that like 3 hours later and the same thing with waking up). But by far the biggest issue is that all three of us think of sleeping as something quite intimate that we only want to share with people we love or care for very deeply. I have slept in the same bed with platonic friends, but they are people I've known for a long time and feel comfortable doing that with. That doesn't apply to Alec and I'm sure he feels the same way about me. Another thing related to that thought of intimacy is that when I'm sleeping next to rory, I feel like we're sharing intimate time. For me sleeping together (just sleeping I mean) is in a way quality time together and if I shared it with Alec it wouldn't be so. Rory has said she feels the same way, that if she slept with both of us, she wouldn't have quality intimate time with either one.

But we do have a way of sharing some of the nights which I think is quite cool. Like I said, Alec goes to bed early. So when rory is sleeping with him, I go to bed alone. But Alec also wakes up really early (earlier than rory would normally wake up), so when his alarm goes off, rory wakes up too and comes to sleep next to me for the rest of the morning so that when I wake up, she's right there. I love that!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I felt very warm and content sandwiched in the middle of two people I loved.
I'm sure that in a situation like yours it would be nice, but I don't love him in that way and he doesn't love me so for us it would be a bit strange to sleep in the same bed.

Then the hugging/kissing in front of me that rory wrote about. I really don't mind at all when I see Alec and rory showing affection to each other. It actually makes me happy to see that. My biggest concern in this situation is that Alec is sometimes feeling bad and if I see him being happy and loved it makes me happy as well. I feel compersion but it also makes me feel more secure.

I have had some insecurity about my place in rory's life. It only comes up when she says Alec is feeling bad about something. I've read so many stories from this forum about people getting rid of their newer partners in order to keep their older one if the older one isn't happy with the situation. She has managed to convince me she isn't leaving me. Alec does not have a veto power or anything like that. Not that he's ever felt bad enough to even ask that anyway. The only situation where she would consider breaking up with me is if there's something wrong with us, with our relationship. So I've decided to stop worrying about that. I trust her and I trust that Alec will get past his negative feelings. They are normal after all and it's not like he's only feeling negative about all things. He has had a lot of positive feelings as well.

I sometimes feel weird that we talk so much about Alec's, rorys' and my feelings about things but very rarely about JJ's. It's just that he doesn't seem to have problems about anything. Obviously he misses me when I'm not with him but that's what he would do if I were somewhere else as well and it's nothing new, it's not poly-related really. Sometimes he worries about money issues with me flying back and forth, but that's excactly why me and rory decided to not see each other as often this year than we originally planned. Me and JJ sort of keep our finances apart. Well, there have been times (quite long ones) when he has had to support me when I was studying for example or had a part-time job. But whenever I'm in a situation where I earn enough, we just split the shared expenses and spend the rest of our money like we want. So I just fly to rory if I can afford it, he shouldn't have to worry about it. If I didn't spend my money on plane tickets, I would just spend it on something else for myself so it isn't really away from him in any way.
__________________
Me: bi female in my 30's
Live-in partners: Hank and rory
Partner: Yvonne
Exes that I might talk about: Zooey, Ray, Sol, Evan, JJ

Blog
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 10-22-2011, 04:17 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Kudos on the hard work that all of you are doing!
--
On an unrelated note, it would be really cool if either Alec or JJ wanted to pop on here now and them as "guest bloggers".
Thank you I think there's a lot of value in having all viewpoints, it's great when all people involved can be on the forum. However, I doubt either of the men will be joining us. I know that Alec at least isn't really a forum person; he doesn't enjoy written communication at all.

About the sleeping arrangements, Mya described the way in which it works out for me to sleep a whole night with Alec, and then still half a night with Mya when Alec goes to work early. It's funny cause today it worked out the other way around, since I spent the night with Mya, and then went to sleep with Alec in the morning when Mya left to the airport.

So, now it's just me and Alec at home again. I actually have some time to spend on the Internet, so what to write about the week?

I don't need to tell you this, but poly sure has a way to make life intense and full of.. well, life. A new relationship is always pretty intense, merely due to the fact that it's new. Add to that all the openness, talking, managing of feelings and other stuff poly can bring to the established relationship, particularly when it's all new. Both together can be pretty overwhelming.

Anyway, I'm feeling good. Really good, really happy. When we started poly, half a year ago, I was feeling happy in an unrealistic, euphoric, over-the-moon sort of way. Right now I'm feeling just as happy, but in a realistic, stable, content way. Full of love and so totally satisfied with the whole situation.

I feel that we've finally started it! The whole summer was so crazy and out of the ordinary (since me and Alec basically had no home, and Mya was also living away from JJ). But now we're all back to our everyday lives and back to "normal", sort of. And now that Mya made her visit here, first one of the many to come, I feel that finally I can get a glimpse of what our future will be like. I definitely like the view. We've been in a relationship in quite a commited way for several months. But now I can actually feel it, feel that I'm sharing my life with Mya, as I've been sharing it with Alec for a longer time. Feel her as my life partner in a more concrete way than I've felt before.

I totally enjoy the NRE-bubble thing, where everything seems perfect. But I get such a deep satisfaction from sharing everyday life. I've had such a craving for it with Mya, and it's amazing to get to do that. Happy happy.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bisexual, boundaries, communication, foundations, ldr, long distance, nre

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:11 AM.