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  #41  
Old 10-02-2011, 03:09 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey Mya,

I'm not saying you should base your life on the hope that Alec's feelings might change, but... they might change. Time and closeness can open doors where people didn't even know there were doors to be opened. This is how he feels now, but could he even have imagined this situation at all five years ago (maybe not or maybe so, but you get my point)?

If you know you can't be happy without this dream, that's one thing. But if you think you can be, and are willing to set it aside for now, that doesn't mean the dream can never be reconsidered.
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  #42  
Old 10-02-2011, 06:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Mya View Post
I just felt so disappointed. Living together all four of us was my big dream. I know it was bigger for me than it was for anyone else. And now that dream is crushed and it hurts like hell. Even though I can intellectually understand Alec's point of view, it makes me really sad that he doesn't want to live with JJ and can't imagine thinking him as family.
There's going to be some tough loving coming your way now, and I do not mean ill, but what would have been there for Alec in your dream scenario? Logistically it would have been a dream come true for you and probably rory as well. But the two of you would live with your partners and metamour, whereas Alec and JJ would end up living with a partner, a metamour and a parametamour (?), just like Alec pointed out to rory. It is difficult for you to imagine why Alec would not be able to consider JJ family, because all three mean so much to you, but it's not the same for Alec, and likely never will be. Would a girlfriend of Alec's be welcome to live with you too? Would you want to share your everyday life, your bathroom, your breakfast, your bills with a woman whom you have nothing in common with except that they love a man whom your partner also loves? A woman you couldn't choose, in a way?
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  #43  
Old 10-02-2011, 08:58 AM
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Annabel: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can be happy without that dream coming true. And yes, his feelings can change as well, who knows. But he just said it so firmly, like he was so sure, so I wouldn't put much hope to it.. The thing is, rory and JJ weren't sure about it either but they were willing to see how things progress. How deep the relationships would be etc. But yeah, I guess you can never be sure.

BlackUnicorn: Well, that's where me and Alec are different. If I was in his position, I could live with his girlfriend if I liked her as a person. I've lived with roommates before and I like it. So has JJ. Alec and rory haven't so they don't know what that's like. They wouldn't necessary like it, many people would feel weird living with anyone else than the ones they love. So like I said, I can understand it, but it still makes me sad. And you can't choose a metamour either, so I don't see the difference there.
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  #44  
Old 10-03-2011, 03:07 AM
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There are more than one way to live as a poly family. There's also the option of buying property together and having two houses on it, where each couple has their own space, with shared communal space (maybe even in a separate building) for all of you. Or simply living very close to each other. Since you all know it will be a few years before anything like that happens, anyway, you can fantasize about all kinds of scenarios, and when an opportunity comes along, you will know if it feels right. Your relationships, even between the metamours, will deepen. So, don't lose hope or fret now; there's so much possibility you could never even dream of!
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  #45  
Old 10-08-2011, 09:07 AM
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^We're sort of hoping to find apartments in the same building right next to each other, once we move to the same city. We'll see how realistic that is, but one can always hope. However, after living 500 to 2000 kilometers apart, I'm thinking the same city will be great in itself...

--

I did some academic reading about poly (and other non-monogamy) yesterday. It's not something I can use for my studies at the moment, unless I get REALLY lucky in an essay topic. But I'm definitely interested in the research that has been done. I found a great article which basically summarised all that had been done around the topic. There's been quite a bit in the last decade, but there is certainly a lot of ground to cover. It's definitely an area for consideration once I start choosing my dissertation topic. That'll be few years still, so right now I'm reading stuff for own interest. There is a recently written book "Understanding non-monogamies", of which I sent a request to the University Library, we'll see if they can get it since they don't have it at the moment.

Me and Mya have talked in skype for maybe 30 minutes in the last two weeks since she's been travelling. All other contact has been via text. I really miss her a lot. Well, it'll only be a week 'til she'll come here, and maybe we'll be able to get some skype time before then, too. I feel really disconnected at the moment. I'm not sure if I should try to explain what that feels like, if others get that feeling? There is a positive note to make, though. Even as I feel disconnected, it doesn't make me feel as uneasy as it did some months ago, even though we've now spent a much longer time not able to talk than we've ever had before. I sure miss her, but I guess the difference comes from the fact that I feel more stable and secure in our relationship. I know, both rationally and emotionally, that even though I'm feeling disconnected, she's not going anywhere. So the disconnection is in no way threatening, it's just uncomfortable. I can ride it out, be patient and reconnect once we have the chance.

I have some poly-talk scheduled for the weekend with Alec. Plus some other talk, too, as well as a lot of hanging out and enjoying each other's company. We've both been quite busy with our own stuff last week, so we haven't really seen much of each other. He's basically been home awake for 3 hours each day before going to bed. We're thinking of getting a car once he gets his first pay, because he now spends almost 4 hours each day getting to work and back and by car it'll only take two.

Have a nice weekend you all!
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  #46  
Old 10-11-2011, 07:53 PM
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Interesting incident yesterday!

Me and Alec had gone to bed (falling asleep) when Mya called. I had called her earlier that day because I was feeling sad about stuff going on with my father. She called to see if I was feeling better. I really appreciated her concern. <3 And it was pretty early in the evening, she had no way of knowing we were already in bed.

Anyway, we talked for a little while, and Mya said "I love you, good night" and I just responded "good night" and we hung up. That made strange feelings come up to me. I would have felt more natural to tell her "I love you too" at that moment, but I felt too self-concious so I didn't. But then I felt like I was "hiding something" by not saying it.

I have told Alec that I love Mya; he knows and is fine with it. I'm not sure if he's ever heard me say it to Mya (I can't remember if there's been that kind of a situation). I'm not careful with it or anything, and I doubt it'll be a very big deal for him to hear that (just odd as are many poly things). Actually, I'm pretty sure I would've said it if it hadn't been that I was in bed so close to Alec and everything was so quiet around... It just felt weird to say it. But it felt just as weird then that I didn't.

We haven't really discussed the topic with Alec, though. Don't know if we should. On one hand, I know many people make agreements with their partners about this kind of thing, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. On the other hand, I think my/our style is just somewhat different. I make agreements with a partner about things that directly concern him/her and our relationship; but not really about stuff that has to do with my relationship with my other partner. For example, I negotiate with both Mya and Alec about the sleeping arrangements when Mya comes to visit us; but when I make plans to go and visit Mya I merely inform Alec about it.

I guess I feel this is a similar kind of thing in that it really only concerns me and Mya and our relationship. However, I'm sure it will (or does, if he's heard it at some occasion) feel weird for Alec to hear me say "I love you" to another person, and I'd like to somehow acknowledge that fact. Now that I think about it, I don't think it's very different from PDAs. When the three of us first hung out, it felt pretty weird to touch either one of them in front of the other. I think the first times me and Mya kissed it was so that Alec was aware of it happening and could have seen us if he had wanted to, but it wasn't right in front of him. It didn't take a lot of time for everything to start feeling completely natural. I think that's how I'd like to handle saying "I love you" also. I'd like to say it occasionally in situations in which I know Alec can hear me, but I'm not in a really intimate situation with him (like I was yesterday). After I know he's heard it a few times I'm sure it'll feel comfortable to do it in any situation.
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  #47  
Old 10-11-2011, 08:36 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
We haven't really discussed the topic with Alec, though. Don't know if we should.
How is this a "we" discussion? It should be a discussion between you and Alec. Stop speculating and making assumptions on his behalf, have the discussion directly. What is he comfortable with? What does he think would freak him out? From everything you have posted here, I would guess that it's not going to be a big deal.
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  #48  
Old 10-12-2011, 05:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
We haven't really discussed the topic with Alec, though. Don't know if we should.
If you mean that you wonder if you and Mya would approach Alec and ask if it's okay for you to tell each other "I love you," I think that would be weirder than anything else!

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
On one hand, I know many people make agreements with their partners about this kind of thing, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. On the other hand, I think my/our style is just somewhat different. I make agreements with a partner about things that directly concern him/her and our relationship; but not really about stuff that has to do with my relationship with my other partner.
I think this is as it should be. Personally, I would not be involved with anyone whose partner determines what or how my relationship with that person is. You are doing well to honor each relationship you have, individually, for what it is and how you want it to go. I think that's great.

I also think you're making too much of this issue. It probably just hit you in the moment that he's never heard you say that to her before -- but maybe he has! -- and you became self-conscious and are still holding onto that a bit. This is a no biggie, I'm sure, especially since you say that he is aware of your feelings for her.

Breathe, relax!
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  #49  
Old 10-12-2011, 07:27 AM
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Oh wow, I was being unclear! When I wrote "maybe we should discuss" I meant me and Alec only. I understand how that would sound confusing, sorry about that. The mental image of all three of us having a conversation about this is making me laugh.

Thanks for your comments SNeacail and Nycindie!

SNeacail, that's something I really try to avoid, making assumptions. Although, maybe it's more that I do make assumptions, but I don't expect to always be right with them. What I mean is that when I come to think about something poly-related (say, whether Alec wants to sleep in our bedroom or in the living room when Mya comes to visit) I usually already have a pretty good idea what the answer will be but when it's something that concerns him I obviously still ask him. Does that make sense?

However, now that I think about it, I don't think I need to have a discussion with Alec about this particular thing since it doesn't really fall into that category. I'm pretty certain in my assumption that he won't freak out. But even if that did happen, it's not something I should go out of my way to avoid. Rather, in that case it would be good for both me and Alec to know that hearing me express my love for somebody else is something that raises very strong feelings for him. Obviously, I want to be sensitive to him and his feelings, but I do think they need to be faced. This is actually something in him that I'm really proud of and grateful for, that he is willing to do that.

I agree with you Nycindie that this really wasn't any big deal. I'm not panicing or anything, I just like to think and analyse stuff, and was wondering why I acted the way I did (and why it made me feel uneasy). I also completely agree with you here
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think this is as it should be. Personally, I would not be involved with anyone whose partner determines what or how my relationship with that person is. You are doing well to honor each relationship you have, individually, for what it is and how you want it to go. I think that's great.
It's nice that you understood what I mean by writing that. I think it's one of those things different people do really differently in their relationships (in mono and poly): some people make plans individually about how they want to spend their time, others think it's a given that you ask your partner first. I don't think there's anything wrong with the second way (and it may sometimes be necessary even, e.g. if you have kids). But I feel very strongly that the first way suits me best. It's particularly important for me when I'm making my plans: if I needed to ask, I would feel like my personal freedom and independence were under a threat. But it does tend to make me crazy to try to make plans with a person who needs to check their partner first, so I doubt I could ever be in a relationship with somebody who had that kind of arrangement with (one of) their other partner(s).
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Last edited by rory; 10-12-2011 at 07:35 AM.
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  #50  
Old 10-14-2011, 08:59 AM
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I'm going to see rory tomorrow! Yey!! I'm feeling quite disconnected at the moment so I'm very happy to see her and reconnect. I've been travelling for 3 weeks now and it's been great but the downside is, like I wrote before, that we couldn't communicate a lot. At the moment I'm already in the same country as rory, but I'm now visiting one of my friends in a different city. Before this I spent several days in the very city we're all going to move someday. I have many friends there and it was so nice to see them and also just enjoy the city. Sometimes I feel I have 3 loves in my life, rory, JJ and this city. <3

Before the trip JJ told me that he might be having feelings for someone. He stressed the word 'might', like he really wasn't sure what it is he's feeling. I'm so excited for him! Just the fact that he is (or might be) having a crush makes me so happy for him. That is a nice feeling. The downside is that she's not really available for a relationship at the moment, but who knows what will happen in the future.

There's just one thing about this situation that makes me worried. Now that I know he might develop feelings for other people (in his own words he hasn't had them before during our relationship), I'm worried he'll find someone in our current home town. And I really want to move to the city I've been talking about, no matter what. So if he did, then he would have to fly back and forward later like I do now. The neverending cycle of LDR's.. I know, nothing's happened yet and might never happen so I'm worrying for nothing really. It's just a thought I had and wanted to share.
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Last edited by Mya; 10-14-2011 at 11:31 AM.
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