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  #461  
Old 04-06-2014, 11:10 AM
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Mya and I are having our three year anniversary. Three years! Coolest. I want to write about that

There's been a lot in three years. Half of that was pretty extreme long distance, and half we've now been in Dream City. Many, many "external" things have happened that we've gone through together. The relationship with Mya has often been like a haven. I feel very safe with her: secure in the relationship, but also safe in terms of communication and openness - there isn't really anything that I can't talk to her about.

The anniversary is happening in the midst of all kinds of change.

I've been in bad places for the past few months, struggling with the worst depression that I've ever fallen into. That's come with a complete paradigm shift, I feel, in terms of how I live. I've had many unhealthy mechanisms for coping with my mental health issues, and part of this is learning healthier ways; primarily meditation and from there stems other life changes. It's very slow progress, in some sense; in some other it's surprisingly quick, considering how fundamental changes are happening in how I think and how I live. In any activity my effort goes to remaining more present, more calm, more stable. I have such appreciation for Mya in how she's been here for me through the depression. No doubt it's been a nightmare for both of us.

Other change going on, Alec is moving to Home Country this week and I'm moving in with Mya and Hank. This change feels good. It's going to be an adjustment, no doubt, I've lived with Alec since moving out of my parents' house. But I'm looking forwards to it with a calm kind of excitement. I'm going to have my own room, too! Also, when it comes to the kind of partnership that's involved in a deep, everyday level, I feel for me having only one partner like that is ideal in some sense. I can do two of those kind of partnerships, as has been the case for the past three years, but it requires quite a lot of time/energy management. I'm definitely happy to be poly, though, in being involved with several people in a romantic/sexual way and in having that opportunity. And also I really really love the kind of extended family poly can give with metamours and friends and community. I'm excited about living in a V with Mya and Hank, it feels like it could work really well for all of us. I appreciate that it's all in a stable, established kind of place, and that should serve well in adjusting to the changing situation.

Mya and I are spending some time together today, doing things we did when we first got together in Dream City. Yay! <3
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  #462  
Old 04-21-2014, 01:17 PM
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We've lived together for a week and a half now. Of course it's still very early but I do feel good about this. It's great to see rory more often and share everyday life with her. It's been...peaceful. Even though I see rory more now than I did before, I feel like I have more time to do other things than to see my partners because I can suggest days to meet up with other people more freely than before. Now I have one date night a week with both of them and the rest of the time I'm either home with them or doing my own thing somewhere. It surprised me a bit that this new arrangement has made me feel more free in a way. I feel grounded, rory and Hank are my home. It's easy to step out of that and do something (or someone ) else every once in a while, but it also feels so right to go back home to be with them.
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  #463  
Old 04-21-2014, 02:23 PM
Octopus Octopus is offline
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That sounds really wonderful Glad things are working out with the new living arrangements.
Curious, do you each have your own bedroom or do you share?
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  #464  
Old 04-21-2014, 03:08 PM
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We each have our own room in a way. Hank and rory have their own bedrooms and I have my own corner (including a desk and a bed) in the living room. The living room is separate from the kitchen and rest of the house, so if I want to be alone or with someone in my room, I can just close the door and rory and Hank can be in their rooms and/or in the kitchen. Like I've mentioned before in this journal, me and Hank don't sleep in the same bed because he's such a light sleeper and many things disturb his sleep, including another person next to him. So I sleep next to rory or alone, depending on our moods and situation.
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  #465  
Old 04-21-2014, 04:17 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mya View Post
We've lived together for a week and a half now. Of course it's still very early but I do feel good about this. It's great to see rory more often and share everyday life with her. It's been...peaceful. Even though I see rory more now than I did before, I feel like I have more time to do other things than to see my partners because I can suggest days to meet up with other people more freely than before. Now I have one date night a week with both of them and the rest of the time I'm either home with them or doing my own thing somewhere. It surprised me a bit that this new arrangement has made me feel more free in a way. I feel grounded, rory and Hank are my home. It's easy to step out of that and do something (or someone ) else every once in a while, but it also feels so right to go back home to be with them.
Sounds good! I hope things continue to be good with you all!

I can relate to what you said about being more free and have more time for others, as well as feeling grounded having both loves at home. This is exactly what I am hoping for in the future, as me and my guys are in the process of moving in together all three.

Edit: Since I am posting on your blog thread for the first time, I want to thank you both for this very insightful blog. I have enjoyed reading about your journey!
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Last edited by Nadya; 04-21-2014 at 04:20 PM.
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  #466  
Old 04-21-2014, 11:57 PM
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Thank you Nadya, that's lovely to hear!

**

With Alec, our last months living together went surprisingly peacefully. For a few weeks it was pretty bad, I felt trapped at home, but then it got easier. We're keeping in touch quite a lot since he moved, it's nice.

It's been strangely normal living with Mya and Hank! Suppose it has to do with the fact that I used to visit so often. Especially with Mya it feels really natural to see her pretty much every day and to hang out, feels like I've been here longer than is actually the case. I also love love love having my own room. It's so homey! So far haven't even felt such a big pull towards privacy, but I really enjoy the fact that it's available any time.

I'm still coping with depression, but it's not nearly as bad as it was for a while. I'm nearing the end of my studies one way or another, graduation is still uncertain because of the mental health issues during the spring. Will see in the next month or so, but in any case, will be done with uni in a little while. That will help. I know that going to work, e.g. cleaning, is much simpler for me to keep up even when depressed than something as stressful as uni. Looking forward to the positive changes to come, even if they come through disappointments.

Lily and I have been seeing each other for something like eight months. It's been lovely, though pretty infrequent with both of our crazy schedules. However, since I've been in the new flat, we've seen each other more and looks like that's the trend for the future. I really like that, and I really like Lily. And I so totally don't mind having kind of half-skipped NRE with her, it seems, because we weren't able to see each other so often. NRE is so distracting and overwhelming, it's as if we skipped straight to the good part.

I have to say, I'm glad that the relationship with Alec is over. I really appreciate the time we had together, and I like having him as a friend. Both of us want all the best for each other, I'm very appreciative of that as well. However, it feels healthy and right for us to no longer be romantically/sexually involved. I feel my sexuality and gender identity is in flux a lot, and I really only now have the space to explore that with complete freedom. Previously, there was kind of inevitable conflict from the fact that he is heterosexual and I'm not a woman and yet we both wanted the relationship to continue. And also, he was mono and had some jealousies, and we had some agreements, which I was fine with for years, but which towards the end started to bother me. I'm not really even interested in doing much concrete stuff with people at the moment, because my head is in such weird places, but having the freedom and autonomy feels really good and right.
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  #467  
Old 04-24-2014, 09:34 AM
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Thanks Nadya, that's really nice to hear. I hope things go well with the three of you living together as well!
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Last edited by Mya; 04-24-2014 at 09:37 AM.
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  #468  
Old 04-24-2014, 09:54 AM
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Okay, so, there's hormones happening all around, and I think I need to address this.

Rationally, I don't want anything new. Emotionally, I don't want anything new. I want to press pause on nearly everything romantic/sexual right now. Of course, that's not really how people work, that's not really how I work. So I need to do some thinking on what I want and what is a realistic way to get it.

With Mya, I want what we have. Living together is good, and that's change enough for the moment. I feel great about having more time with her, it all feels good and right and natural, uncomplicated.

With Lily, I'm happy that I can see more of her. It feels like we would've come here some time ago, but other life things were in the way. However, I want to be mindful to the urge of changing it too quickly, of jumping right in fast. I do know I want to see her more than previously, but I think I want to make that change gradual. As in, not moving from once a month straight to once a week, but maybe twice a month or so. We've been relaxed about meeting up so far, and I wish to keep it that way.

At the moment, I'm not really having sex with anybody. I want to and yet I don't want to. But yeah, this is one aspect of why I now want to write about this. 'Cause, hormones. Rising out of the depression, I'm regaining my sex drive, and I suppose that happens much more faster than the progress with actually being ready for sex. It's such a weird thing, talking about not being emotionally ready to have sex when I've had a sex life for ten years. It's just, it's tangled up with gender identity related things, too. That's why I'm not ready: I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want. Letting go of previous ways of being intimate that are no longer working takes time. I think that process is still happening. And then there's the finding new ground that's healthy and true to what I feel. That, too, will take time, but it'll also require safe and comfortable people to experiment with. I'm happy that both Mya and Lily are definitely that. They are there for me now that I'm not ready, and will be there once I am.

So, that's where I'm at in life. Not just in terms of sex, but also figuring out many other things about how I want to live. And that relates to new potential interests. Like, it would be really handy not to have any for the time being. But, oh well...

So, firstly, there's hormones. There are some people who I'd just really like to fuck. Or at least make out with. Which could then easily possibly lead to fucking. Some of these people would possibly be open to this, too. Which is great and exciting and all that, but more importantly, it's likely a Very Bad Idea.

And the reason I'm doing this thinking and processing-by-writing is because I feel it's entirely realistic that, while I might not actively pursue anything, should the situation present itself, I might go for it. Even knowing it could be a Very Bad Idea. Because I'm human and when I'm horny and really connect with somebody awesome, that can easily win over rational risk-assessment.

So, as to this? Yeah, I'm thinking that right now, the less I attend events where the situation would present itself, the better. And also I think I want to avoid intentionally pursuing increasing contact with people I'm attracted to, until I'm in a different place. Right now, I feel my mind is also looking to be distracted by Huge Life Things, and what better distraction than crushes/NRE with somebody totally awesome.

That goes for people I don't see all that often. Secondly, there's people I see regularly. There's one person in particular, I'll call them Peyton. I've been thinking about asking them out (whether friends or date would be up to them, too), but then I've been thinking that maybe I don't want to, because of all the above-mentioned stuff. But it feels they might be interested in me, too, though that's definitely not confirmed. In any case, it feels that some kind of emotional attachment might be gradually happening whether or not I pursue anything concrete. And for me, when I have a crush, it tends to get more weight if I don't get it out in the open, so the just-not-doing-anything-about-it approach might not actually be the best in this case. Especially since there's a possibility that they're not interested in me in the first place.

So, right now I'm considering, whether I'd want to ask if they want to meet with me sometime, and then seeing how that goes and possibly talking this out with them. You know, that I'm interested, asking if they are (and also what their thoughts on poly are since I have no idea), and if that's the case, talking about wanting to take it slow. Like really really slow, craaazy slow, like seeing each other every so often and definitely not having sex anytime soon kind of slow.

Then, if there isn't anything to it, I can be less distracted. And if there is, that kind of slow involvement with open communication might be less distracting than having a crush and wondering what I should do and how they feel about me and all that. Maybe.

Will have to see how it all goes. I'm not decided on it, and I might chicken out, too.
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  #469  
Old 04-24-2014, 03:07 PM
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There's also another alternative, I suppose, with regards to new interests: even if I am interested, and even if I like them, and want them, and all that, I don't need to do anything about it.

I have pretty much no experience of that option. In fact, my practice with it is so minimal that I only now even came to think of it. Of course there have been many people I've been interested in and no involvement has resulted, but there have always been Reasons. I don't know if I've ever chosen "I feel like it, but I choose not to". I don't think I've quite grasped the concept even.

I don't feel culture is helping me much, either. It's all grasp any connection because it might be The One, until you have secured a relationship with that One and then never act on anything ever again. You're supposed to reach for it, unless there is some external reason not to.

I don't know. Just like there are way more interesting things one could potentially do than there is time to do them, there are way more interesting people than one could potentially do (hah).

Would perhaps be in my best interests to coldly commit to just not going for it for the time being? Even if situation presents itself. Even if I kind of feel like it. Even if hormones.

Just because right now I don't want anything. It could be something I decide, by myself, and then act consistently based on it.

So how does that look like?

I'm just typing thoughts as they come, because, as I said I have no experience of this.

Not asking people out on potentially-might-be-dates. Not getting in situations where something could happen; not pursuing anything in those kind of situations. Remaining closed off to people even when interested. Cutting off and not fuelling any fantasies about people I have a crush on. Not adding fuel to thoughts relating to people whom I might be interested in, just enjoying the feeling as it comes up and then letting it go, without any need to act on it.

When I have a crush, it tends to stick until I get a confirmation that the other person isn't interested. There's got to be a reason for this, right? Why is it that I so easily let it go when the interest isn't mutual, but then can't seem to do it if there could be potential there? Even when I'm kind of hoping there isn't, so that there aren't then all the complications that go with it.

Couldn't I just choose that I don't want anything right now?

Even with the practical celibacy that's going on, it hasn't been so much a choice than just emotionally necessary. But I do feel it's healthy for me right now. And still I'm so hung up on resolving it, thoughts and energy circle around how it's something I need to/want to "get over". It's like there's a belief in me that I'm not allowed a choice, somehow. That I can't just choose not to. That other people are entitled to some kind of intimacy. That can't really be healthy.

Maybe I could consider some kind of commitment such as I won't act on any kind of urges to pursue anything new for an X period of time, after which I'll reconsider. Could consider a similar kind of thing re: sex life. Or very specific kinds of intimacy. I would really need to think on all this, though. For me to actually stick to it can't be "I shouldn't do this", it needs to be "this is what I want to do". That is, I'd need to figure out what kind of things I'm gaining and how much I value them, in order to be emotionally in a place where I'll then stick to that decision.

This all makes me feel like such a teenager. Then again, not many adults handle all of these kinds of things so very well. It takes practice, and I don't have all that much. And there's all the gender/poly/alternative weirdness in addition, which makes it more complicated, or at least there aren't really any ready made norms or rules, you just have to make your own. That's much of the fun, though, too.

Just because I could get more of something enjoyable, I don't need to pursue it. I don't even need to take it if offered. What a radical thought.
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Last edited by rory; 04-24-2014 at 03:10 PM.
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  #470  
Old 04-28-2014, 04:38 PM
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I need to write about something. As rory has mentioned, we are not having sex at the moment. On top of that Hank doesn't have a very high sex drive. Mine is higher than average, so this combination is not the best possible situation for me. In the last few weeks a new need/want has risen: I want more sex. It must be the spring time. Also, ever since rory moved in, I've felt like I have more time for friends and new people. I just want to get out there and meet up with people, whether it leads to sex, friendship or nothing.

So, I rejoined OKC and on top of that in the last few days I've asked both Noah and Oliver if they'd like to hang out with me some time. Noah said he'd like to, but when I later asked that we set a date, he didn't really respond. So I said to him that the ball is in his court now, if he wants to meet up, he can suggest a day at some point. I'm getting mixed messages from him, so not really sure what he wants. When we see each other at parties and events (and when he's been at our place with me and Hank) he's really sweet and cuddly, but I feel like he's avoiding the subject of meeting up with me alone. We'll see. Oliver responded right away and we've agreed on a day when we're meeting up. It's quite funny actually, with Oliver I feel like I don't really know if he feels anything sexual towards me at all, but I do think he'd like to spend time with me and talk to me. Whereas with Noah there definitely is a sexual spark there, but I'm not sure if he wants to actually spend time and talk to me one-on-one.

Also, I met a woman (who is also from Home Country!) at a poly meetup about a month ago. She seemed really nice and attractive, but also maybe a little out of my league. I mean, she's really really pretty. So I had a very good first impression, but was too intimidated to make a move. After rejoining OKC, I saw her profile there. I gave her 5 stars and a few days later she wrote me a message saying she liked how I came across at the meetup and said she'd like to hang out if I'm up for it. I definitely am, so I wrote her back and hopefully we'll be meeting up later. I'll give her a name if we manage to really meet. Then there's also a guy from OKC that I'm planning to meet, but he doesn't live in Dream City, so it will only happen the next time he's visiting. He says he does visit at least once a month.

So, a lot of potential for friendships and/or sex, or who knows what else. We'll see how it all goes.
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