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  #431  
Old 12-26-2013, 04:59 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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When I read your posts in which you questioned your relationship with Alec, rory, I was reminded strongly of the end of my relationship with Davis. I'm sorry for the pain it's causing you both, but I also think it will very much be for the best, and I'm also happy for you both that you have the chance to move on and try new things. What an exciting and interesting time, with your transitioning gender and your evolving thoughts on relationships! Thanks for sharing all of it.
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  #432  
Old 12-26-2013, 11:23 AM
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Thank you I am reminded, as well. Even then, when I read about you and Davis, there were sentiments I could relate with. They have only increased since, and so here we are.

I am sure it is for the best. And yes, I am excited. Sometimes afraid, as well, but that's not just because of this change but for all the (potential) change that's in the air right now.
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  #433  
Old 12-28-2013, 03:12 PM
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I feel like a total jerk right now.

Me and Hank sleep in different rooms at home, because he's such a light sleeper and has real trouble sleeping next to people. That is really difficult for me because I like sleeping next to a partner, it makes me feel more connected and closer. Sometimes I'm good with sleeping apart for weeks in a row and sometimes I cry myself to sleep several nights in a row because I feel lonely and abandoned. I'm still not used to that even though we've lived together for about 4 months now.

I spent Christmas with Hank and his family at his parents' place. That was really lovely, I genuinely like his parents and they like me. All the other members of his family are really nice too.

So we slept in different rooms at his parents' place too and it was awful. I felt so alone being in a unfamiliar house sleeping without him, at Christmas. Then we spent last night at his friend's place. I had never met this friend before. She put us in the guest room, to the same bed. I was thrilled. For once he has to sleep next to me, he doesn't have a choice! That is so selfish, I know. I felt like I was starving and someone was offering me a stolen piece of bread; I know it's wrong, but I took it anyway, because I was so hungry. I asked him this one time to not leave the bed. I asked him to do this for me now, this one time. He could've in theory gone to the sofa, but he said he wouldn't. His arm has been hurting a lot lately and was hurting a lot last night. So he slept even worse than he would have otherwise. He woke up so angry and resentful and I woke up in tears for making him do that for me. We both slept very poorly, he even worse than me. So what did that teach me? If you make people do stuff for you when they really don't want to, it will not be a nice experience for either of you.
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Last edited by Mya; 12-28-2013 at 04:53 PM.
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  #434  
Old 12-28-2013, 05:47 PM
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So what did that teach me? If you make people do stuff for you when they really don't want to, it will not be a nice experience for either of you.
Ah, this really rings bells for me. Sometimes I need solitude, for my own mental health - sleeping or otherwise. If I don't get space when I feel I need it, things go rough for me.

Grotto from time to time needs me to be close, to spend time "with him" when I really need to spend time by myself. This causes a lot of frustration, but it sadly boils down to him having a need that I actually can't meet.

It's hard to compromise, but it's important to find one that actually works (if possible) rather than having the horrible but so understandable situation of one person feeling obligated to go further than they are comfortable, and resenting it.

Are you a heavier sleeper than he is? I'm sure you've thought of this, and maybe already do it, but depending on how he sleeps, it could be that he could sometimes sleep by you while you fall asleep, and then move to a different bed.

Or maybe (cheesy!) he could get you a soft toy to stand in for him. It's obviously not the same as a live human beside you but I've found the symbolism can be quite powerful, when I've been missing someone.

You say you feel like a jerk over this, but I guess it's more a lesson for both of you than a lesson for you alone. Yeah, you did ask him to do this for you, but he also (albeit against his better judgment, perhaps) agreed. I've been in his position, and felt resentful and angry... more around the fact that I had felt pressured to abandon "my own assessment of my capacity" and replace it with "someone else's assessment of my capacity, in light of their needs", and took a risk I regretted in retrospect. In the end though, even though there can be a lot of pressure from a partner, it's your choice what you do.

It sounds like you and Hank have pretty good communication (and yay for the warmth of his family towards you at Christmas!) so no doubt you'll tease this one out!

I've been thinking that growing to the "boundaries" (where you are less compatible, and so experience conflict) is somewhat inevitable, when you're emotionally open to someone. Because the relationship freeranges until it hits those walls, and then it's like a puzzle you need to solve together.

rory - sounds like the decision with Alec is feeling positive for both of you, although the end of things can be melancholy at times... Glad you're in a good space and looking forward to the future
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  #435  
Old 12-28-2013, 06:15 PM
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rory - Somehow managed to skip a couple of your posts (about gender, and content-based relationships). Wow, big stuff and glad you posted.

Re: sex with men - I have been on the fringes of a former partner going through a similar story arc, and it's a hard interior landscape to explore with someone who doesn't exactly get it. Though Alec's ability to discuss and negotiate desires and limits within your relationship sounds as good as it can get for someone who can't manage to conceptualise gender as a fluid thing!

Look forward to hearing more on this if you get around to sharing.

I'm quite cautious around sex with people with strongly gendered views. This is more often people who comfortably i.d. as "male" than anyone else, just because it's the most likely time that sex could - at least superficially - be seen to conform to a social norm in terms of roles and such. For me, what I am okay with sexually seems to be a combo of the actual acts and the attitude behind it. I've been surprised by how contextual it is, for me.

Re your other post: I think I understand what you're saying about content-based relationships. Just reading the escalator thing now.

What you said, in particular what you said about sexual expectations, connects with things on my mind these days. I like how you've put it. It's a fine distinction, but a powerful one. Thanks for sharing!
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  #436  
Old 01-04-2014, 05:09 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Thanks a lot for your long comment, fuchka! I really appreciate it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Ah, this really rings bells for me. Sometimes I need solitude, for my own mental health - sleeping or otherwise. If I don't get space when I feel I need it, things go rough for me.

Grotto from time to time needs me to be close, to spend time "with him" when I really need to spend time by myself. This causes a lot of frustration, but it sadly boils down to him having a need that I actually can't meet.
Yes, that sounds very familiar. Hank sounds a lot like you and I sound like Grotto. I sometimes do feel like he can't meet my needs and that makes me a bit sad. I know it's not his job to fulfill my needs, but it does make me feel like his role in my life is influenced by this. Like I need to emotionally back down a bit and adjust my expectations of him.

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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
It's hard to compromise, but it's important to find one that actually works (if possible) rather than having the horrible but so understandable situation of one person feeling obligated to go further than they are comfortable, and resenting it.
Yes, that is very true. Since we are still quite early on in our relationship, we haven't yet figured out how to handle all of these situations.

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Are you a heavier sleeper than he is? I'm sure you've thought of this, and maybe already do it, but depending on how he sleeps, it could be that he could sometimes sleep by you while you fall asleep, and then move to a different bed.
I am and we've sometimes done that, or at least tried. But there are two issues with it. First, Hank doesn't seem to recognize when I'm asleep and when I'm not. He starts leaving the bed when I haven't fallen asleep yet. And that kinda defeats the purpose. Second, he often needs to go to sleep before me, so that makes it impossible on those nights. Maybe we'll try again on some weekend night and he'll try to stay a bit longer to ensure I'm actually asleep when he leaves.

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Or maybe (cheesy!) he could get you a soft toy to stand in for him. It's obviously not the same as a live human beside you but I've found the symbolism can be quite powerful, when I've been missing someone.
That does seem quite nice, but if I were the one that suggested that, I don't think I could feel the symbolic value of it very genuinely. So it would have to be his idea.

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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
You say you feel like a jerk over this, but I guess it's more a lesson for both of you than a lesson for you alone. Yeah, you did ask him to do this for you, but he also (albeit against his better judgment, perhaps) agreed. I've been in his position, and felt resentful and angry... more around the fact that I had felt pressured to abandon "my own assessment of my capacity" and replace it with "someone else's assessment of my capacity, in light of their needs", and took a risk I regretted in retrospect. In the end though, even though there can be a lot of pressure from a partner, it's your choice what you do.
Yes, that's true.

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It sounds like you and Hank have pretty good communication (and yay for the warmth of his family towards you at Christmas!) so no doubt you'll tease this one out!
Thanks! We do try our best.

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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
I've been thinking that growing to the "boundaries" (where you are less compatible, and so experience conflict) is somewhat inevitable, when you're emotionally open to someone. Because the relationship freeranges until it hits those walls, and then it's like a puzzle you need to solve together.
Well said.
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  #437  
Old 01-04-2014, 06:00 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Hank spent last weekend at Janet's place (she lives in a different city). Apparently it's looking like they won't be building a relationship beyond friendship at this point.

Rory spent that same weekend at my place. It was wonderful. For once we had the whole weekend together, uninterrupted quality time. We talked about everything, had a looong bath, had sex.. It was just what we needed at that point. <3

We've decided that when Alec moves to Home Country in a few months, rory will temporarily move in with me and Hank. We'll give it a few months and see how it goes and then decide if it's something all three of us want to continue doing or not. We have to renew the contract of our current place in August anyway, so I think we have to make some decisions before that. It's quite exciting and scary at the same time. Big things. Good things.
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  #438  
Old 01-04-2014, 06:40 PM
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Oh, and also, I went to a New Year's Eve party after midnight, after spending the early evening with rory and Alec. I ended up having sex with Evan there. It was loads of fun and we had both found out things about ourselves sexually after our break-up and those things lined up surprisingly well. I'm still kinda processing how I feel about the whole thing, other than it was fun. We also had some very good conversations at the party (before the sex) and I have a feeling I'm one of the few people he can talk to about some of his stuff, at least with that level of openness he did then. I loved the fact that he did talk to me. I loved to be able to be there for him. I'm still feeling the connection when we have those kinds of talks. The conversations and the sex make me feel a bit vulnerable though. I don't particularly want to fall back in love with him, but maybe I would want some of the closeness we had back. I'm just not sure where the line goes, which things bring me joy and which might hurt me. I feel I'd like to explore that a bit but I have to be careful.
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  #439  
Old 01-06-2014, 05:40 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
...
Or maybe (cheesy!) he could get you a soft toy to stand in for him. It's obviously not the same as a live human beside you but I've found the symbolism can be quite powerful, when I've been missing someone...
Luckily all of us are good sleepers - but me especially. (Dude will move to the couch if MrS is asleep ahead of him and snoring, and MrS will move to the couch if Lotus is over and he feels there is not enough room in the bed - but I ALWAYS sleep in the bed, alone or with company.)

However, when the boys were going to be gone for a week...I was anticipating getting at least a little lonely (while I often fall asleep solo, usually there is at least one person in bed when I wake up, or at least coffee and smooches waiting for me...) They each left me the T-shirts they were wearing before they left (smell has a strong effect on me!). I loved being able to cuddle "them" when I was missing them!
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
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  #440  
Old 01-13-2014, 03:41 PM
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That's really cute, JaneQ.
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