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  #321  
Old 01-01-2013, 02:12 PM
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Me, rory and Alec spent the New Year's Eve together. It was really lovely. We took a picture of the three of us and put it on facebook. It's a really nice picture and I keep looking at it and thinking how lucky we are to be able to hang out together so happily.
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  #322  
Old 01-01-2013, 08:49 PM
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^Have got to second that! I've been surprisingly excited getting fb comments/likes on that photo.

For me, all the most valuable parts of intimacy are in that one-on-one connection with somebody, plus hinge-situations are sometimes mildly anxiety-provoking, so group hang outs are just sprinkles on top. But yesterday I had one of those really wonderful poly moments: middle of the night, watching fireworks, holding on to both of my loves, in Dream City. Really really lovely. <3 The whole atmosphere, I loved it, and it felt so very natural and comfortable. And the fact that, wow, we are all really here and live here and this amazing city is home to all of us. Again, lovely.

Moreover, it was really fun to have Mya over, watch a movie, eat good food, and play a board game. Couldn't really wish for anything better to do on New Years. Literally, since I got to decide on all the activities.
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  #323  
Old 01-07-2013, 12:59 AM
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I've been discussing boundaries in various places, most recently in Annabel's journal, and I feel some things are just becoming more and more clear through the reflection. It is this feeling, hard to describe, feeling of clarity about what I want in relationships, how I want to interact and what feels right.

The more time goes by, and the more processing I do, the more I notice myself leaving behind things that have to do with influence in a romantic relationship. My perspective is changing, I'm moving gradually away from the cultural norm, and into something else. It is in two parts: I recognise clearly the influence I could have (which, culturally, goes unacknowledged, as seemingly obvious), and I don't want any of it. I may have the urge to use that power, sure, but in a more profound way, I don't want it.

I'm sorry if this is kind of abstract, but somehow it feels like a broader shift that then translates into some practical decisions.

I have this aversion of holding up pretty much anything as a relationship rule/boundary. I feel there is something harmful (at least to me) in that approach. Rather, I have my own personal boundaries, which are important.

I feel that making something a relationship boundary/agreement doesn't bring additional benefits. Rather I feel it sets people up for an additional layer of hurt, if that boundary is broken. It is a commitment to hold up a specific want/decision as separate from other things, as something that cannot be assessed purely in itself but, rather, is predefined as something particularly meaningful, a measurement of the whole relationship.

Moreover, in the end, what matters to me is not just what my partners do, but what they want to do. The latter is simply more relevant.

I am sorry if this is rambling, I am tired and the thought is not entirely coherent. It's just something I'm thinking, when I am encountered by more mainstream ways of doing relationships, I notice how very far I am from that culturally supported place. How very commonplace it is, in romantic relationships, to use that influence and to place limitations, in all kinds of things.
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  #324  
Old 01-07-2013, 01:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
Moreover, in the end, what matters to me is not just what my partners do, but what they want to do. The latter is simply more relevant.
I have to add something. What they want to do is more relevant, yes, but it's important to differentiate wants from wants. There are these basic urges, desires, things that one might crave for at some specific moment. But what's more important in this context is the thing that the partner actually really wants after consideration, looking at the bigger picture. I might crave for a pizza, but if I'm trying to lose weight, my bigger picture want is to not eat the pizza. And I would hope to be judged by that latter kind of want. This was just meant as a clarification, I totally agree with rory and understand her point.

I've been thinking about this relationship boundary thing quite often, especially when I was with JJ. I remember when I was feeling bad about him hinting about wanting to sleep with this drama queen I know (because I had a feeling she might mean trouble). I wrote about it here and I got comments that suggested that I make a boundary that he'd have to run these things by me, sending me a text or something before he would do anything with anyone. I thought about it, but it just didn't seem right. I didn't want to limit his freedom too much and that just seemed excessive, but also I thought about the fact that his unlimited behaviour tells me a lot about him and his values. If he gets to do whatever he likes without me setting up boundaries, I get to see what he really chooses to do, and not just how well he follows the rules. We loosened our boundaries constantly to the point that we only had one agreement left, about safer sex...and then he went and broke that one. It did add a layer of hurt - like rory put it - to an already painful situation.
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  #325  
Old 01-07-2013, 11:23 AM
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^Yes, thank you for the clarification.

I think for me, I have felt along these lines about boundaries for some time. However, I am reflecting on it also because Mya is starting to date. It is a somewhat new situation for me that my partner is open to finding other partners and actively doing something towards that.

I had a few moments of anxiety, when she first started, which was coming from fear of change. I wouldn't have been surprised to have some more (and probably will), but I haven't experienced any since then. I feel it is largely due to this processing. There is really nothing to fear. I trust that I will remain important in her life and she will make choices based on that. But, even more importantly, if she doesn't (because nothing is ever 100% sure), I can take it as it comes. If it happens, it will hurt, but I expect that I will be able to accept it and move on in one way or another.

It isn't even the case that I think I will be able to survive anything. It is not an infinite belief in my own abilities. It is just that for me the comforting thing is that whatever happens, I will have choices. Even if the choices are something I am not too happy about, they will still be mine. That, I think, ties in with the thing about relationship rules/boundaries. Rather than ensuring my safety (because, in the end, nothing is certain), they limit, they take away some potential future agency. They take away my power to evaluate the situation and react based on that, rather committing me in advance to being hurt.

If a partner breaks my trust, I want the freedom to assess and choose the extent to which it affects me and our relationship. I refuse it to be predetermined by rules, even ones I've set myself.

[This, btw, is one of the most harmful things about the cultural concept of cheating - it determines sex with others as something that is automatically hurtful, harmful, as "the worst thing that can be done to another". It strips the person who's been cheated on from the agency of deciding, themselves, the meaning it has to them.]

Last edited by rory; 01-07-2013 at 11:28 AM.
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  #326  
Old 01-11-2013, 05:23 PM
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I've realised something recently. I'm really bad at being casual. That applies to all sorts of relationships. When I meet a new person that I'd like to become friends with, I usually get quite close to them quite quickly (if they let me), because I don't really enjoy the in-between stage of being an acquaintance but not yet a friend. I guess the same applies to romantic relationships and sex. I have actually never had sex with someone I didn't have a crush on, either before the sex or soon after it. I've been thinking a lot about FWB relationships lately and whether I would be up for it again, since Bob was my first that kind of a friend. I guess it would depend on the person. I don't like it when I feel like I can't tell someone what I feel, no matter what the relationship status is. With Bob I sometimes felt like some of the stuff I said or did was just too much for him to handle and that in turn made me feel like I should behave differently instead of being myself. I don't want to feel like that again if I can avoid it. If I ever end up in a FWB situation again, I want it to be with someone who can handle me and my emotions like they are. Someone who understands that even if I have feelings for them, it doesn't necessarily mean that I want a romantic relationship. Someone who is capable of talking about their own emotions too and being open about their intentions and thoughts. In other words, a good communicator. I should also keep in mind that if I end up having sex with a friend that I don't have a crush on, it is very likely that I will develop feelings for them after the sex. It's not that feelings are dangerous or anything, I'm perfectly capable of enjoying the feelings without acting on them. But just to remind myself that I am not one of those people who can have sex casually, without it affecting how I feel about the person I have sex with. I sometimes wish I was, but no, it just doesn't work for me.
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  #327  
Old 01-28-2013, 04:03 PM
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So I had a surprise date last night. I went to a meetup and met a great poly guy there. I had seen his profile on OKC before and had thought about sending him a message, but didn't because I have too many dates on my plate already at the moment. Anyway, we talked about meeting some time outside the meetup group. Then all the others left and we decided to have the date there and then, so we stayed until the bar closed. And then we went to my place and had sex. This is something I've never done before! I mean sleeping with someone I had just met the same day. And like I just said in my previous post, I don't really do casual sex, but this didn't feel all that casual. I felt a strong connection and a possibility of continuation, and wanted to act on that. He is an amazing person, I really like him. And he said he likes me too. I'm quite overwhelmed right now because I have all these feelings and thoughts floating around my head. But I have to start focusing again soon, because I have a date with someone else tonight. It's a girl I've set up a date through OKC a while ago and I really do want to meet up with her, but the timing could've probably been a bit better.
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  #328  
Old 01-28-2013, 10:31 PM
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Ha! Wow Nice one. I like having arrangements with current partners where you can be that spontaneous with new people. Intrigued to hear how (if at all) this develops.
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  #329  
Old 01-29-2013, 12:34 AM
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fuchka: I really like the possibility of spontaneity as well. Even though this doesn't happen very often, it's still very nice to know that it's possible to do. And we have our next date already set up for later this week, so that's good.

The date with the girl went well. We had a nice time. But I'm not sure if I was feeling the sparks. At least not yet. We did talk about meeting again in a few weeks, so let's see. But right now I get more of a friend vibe than a romantic vibe from her.
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  #330  
Old 02-05-2013, 01:04 AM
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So, me and the person mentioned in previous posts decided to be partners. I know this is quite fast, but we like each other a lot and want to be together, so why not. I'm happy. We've been talking a lot during the days we haven't seen each other and we seem to have pretty similar ideas about poly. None of that hierarchy stuff for example, which is really important to me. I love the fact that he's queer like me. He's very cute, open and smart. He has a long-term partner who he lives with. His name here will be Evan. And his partner will be Dena. I'll name her already even though I haven't met her yet, but I'm sure that will happen soon enough.

Happy.
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