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  #301  
Old 12-06-2012, 05:33 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Haha! I totally get what you're saying. I love how analytical you are... There were some people I used to work with (in self-awareness workshops) who used to say that everyone has this kind of automatic reaction, where we basically say, "Don't tell me what to do!" It is part of the pattern of rebellion we learn at an early age, in order to individuate and define ourselves as autonomous people. We just haven't realized that we can let go of that automatic response, as it is no longer necessary to rebel in every situation. But what I find funny is that we even say that to ourselves when there is something WE want to do ourselves. We make a commitment or put something on our To Do list and then we feel boxed in -- even if we really want to do these things -- and then we tell ourselves, "No, you can't make me do it!" And often we find some way to get out of doing it, because honoring our need for rebellion means more to us (subconsciously) than doing the thing we actually truly want to do. Or we get over that rebellious initial reaction and go have ourselves a good time. It's just a pattern, like a broken record that plays again and again. The more we notice it, the better able we can let go of it (so that it can be more of a choice if we actually do want to rebel because it's appropriate, rather than being at the mercy of our own unconscious reactions). Hahahaha, people are so funny.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-06-2012 at 06:00 AM.
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  #302  
Old 12-06-2012, 08:52 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I also totally get this and my brain works the exact same way
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  #303  
Old 12-07-2012, 09:33 AM
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Thanks NyCindie and Cleo, good to know that apparently it's not just me who's hit by this kind of irrationality from time to time.

---

I've got so many things I'm happy about right now. Totally overwhelmed by joy, in fact.

Alec starting work has brought two really big benefits:
- our financial situation is expected to slowly recover and I no longer feel that constant stress and fear
- we get along sooooo much better now that we are not constantly stressed out and he is not bored out of his mind etc. shocker, huh?

Other things:
- My studies are going very well and I'm enjoying the hell out of them
- I was talking with Mya and we both feel our relationship is totally amazing. We are getting loads out of it and, though more time would be a bonus, don't feel we are missing anything. Plus, I'm meeting her today, yay!
- There's been a tough work situation with a colleague for a while, and yesterday I finally managed to communicate it properly to my boss. While I don't know what the consequences will be, I feel so much better for having been taken seriously and for getting it off my chest. And at least there's now hope that something will be done about it.
- I'll soon have a month-long break from the University, and also some time off from work (perhaps even a couple of weeks). Perfection!
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  #304  
Old 12-09-2012, 02:08 PM
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There's this one conversation type that me and rory have quite often and I'd like to share it. The subject is usually something that is emotional or triggering to one or both of us. We're both rational and emotional at the same time, and so are our conversations. They usually start with a disclaimer: "There's this emotional reaction that I'd like to talk about, but I want you to know it's not something I rationally think." Then we talk about that emotional trigger, which sometimes triggers something else in the other person as well. Quite often we cry. But at some point we move on to the rational side of it. How should we deal with this emotional reaction, if it's something neither of us wants to listen really, because it doesn't make sense and/or it's not something we want to live by.

Sometimes we question whether it's a good thing that we talk about every little detail of our emotional worlds. Even the silliest ones that we don't want influencing our decisions. But every single time we've come to the conclusion that it is a good thing for us. It satisfies the need for analysis that's strong in both of us, and it's also a way to get to know each other on a very deep level. Maybe then it wouldn't be a good idea if the conversations led to fighting or severe misunderstandings. But for us this communication method is really worth it, even though it's not always the easy way.
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  #305  
Old 12-09-2012, 03:44 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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(delurking after a long break)

I think this sounds really wonderful! You sound so well matched :-)

And to me it makes so much sense that you would feel better from having the conversations, both because you get to know and understand each other, and also because you're not having to hide your reactions to the triggers or keep the feelings around them cooped up, which just adds another layer of burden to the feelings.
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  #306  
Old 12-09-2012, 11:26 PM
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It is sometimes strange to be so completely open in a relationship. I think the reason I often go to "should I have even talked about this at all?" is because it goes against some cultural norms. Culturally, you are supposed to shield your partner from pain. You shouldn't hurt your partner. There's the exception, that if it's something super important, you may need to talk about it even if their feelings might get hurt. But you're expected to do this balancing between importance and shielding. This norm is visible in various questions people ask. "Should I tell my new boyfriend he has bad breath?"; "Can I let my wife know after 5 years that I don't really enjoy her blowjobs?"; "My partner and I have been together for 10 years and I'd like to have sex with somebody else; is it worth it to talk about an open relationship?"...

It feels like you're being selfish when you don't balance and, instead, talk about stuff regardless of how important it is and despite suspecting hearing it will hurt your partner. But there's also something very honest and intimate about it. I think it works in our dynamic, because we have very similar ways of communicating and analysing things.
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  #307  
Old 12-10-2012, 03:01 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Thanks for your comment, wildflowers!

---

Okay, dating. I have quite a few dates coming up. Well, they're not all dates in the romantic sense, but I don't know what else to call them. Anyway, I'm going to meet some people in the near future to see if there's potential for friendship and maybe more. But honestly I could really use more friends in Dream City, I don't have that many here anymore (many of them have moved away). So whatever the outcome, I'm glad to have a bit of a social life. I'm meeting two guys this week and two girls next month. They are four individuals, I made it sound like I was meeting two couples. I like the idea of meeting new people.

Edited to add: I just got another date for next month. Oh my, my life's getting busy! I like it.
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Last edited by Mya; 12-10-2012 at 04:11 PM.
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  #308  
Old 12-10-2012, 05:12 PM
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I'm going to Home Country for Christmas, I'm spending 9 days there. That will be fun, getting to see friends and family again. I'm going to see Bob as well, and you know what? The benefits part of our friendship is now gone. We just chatted a bit and he mentioned that I'm going to sleep on the couch this time. Yes, he is now seeing someone. I feel weird. Obviously I'm happy for him, I know that's what he wanted. I'm also a bit relieved, which is a surprising feeling. I mean maybe our friendship gets better with this, because the sex and especially the intimacy caused some different reactions in both of us and led to difficult conversations over and over again. Maybe now we can just enjoy each other's company? But also there is a bit of sadness. It's an end of an era, although not a very long era, but anyway.
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  #309  
Old 12-12-2012, 08:49 PM
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Today was one of the "dates" I mentioned. I think this guy in particular is mainly looking for friends. I'm not sure, he said he doesn't fully identify as poly, but does conceptually. He doesn't mention anything about an open relationship either in his profile. So I'll just assume we're not going to be more than friends. But oh boy, he was sooo cool! I really enjoyed his company, he made me laugh and we have very much in common. Like I said, I could really use more friends here, so I'm going to be really happy if this works out and we'll become friends.
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  #310  
Old 12-15-2012, 02:42 AM
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Tonight I met the bi guy from the poly meetup. We had such a good time and there was some flirting going on. This is the second time I saw him and.. I think I really like him. He is so wonderfully feminine and I absolutely adore that! He's also very open about who he is and how he likes to express his feminine side. That is so hot. He's going to a kinky event tomorrow where he's going to dress up as a woman. I told him to send me pictures and he promised he would. Can't wait! We agreed to see each other again the next time he's in town (he doesn't live here, but visits regularly), so I think this person needs an online name. I think I'll call him...Casper.
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