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  #271  
Old 09-06-2012, 11:15 PM
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Lately I've been having new and interesting feelings. Envy. I really liked having two partners and now that I don't have two anymore and rory does, I envy her a bit. It's definitely not that I wouldn't want her to be with Alec, I just would like things to be like they were, an N. But not really. I guess this is all part of getting used to this new situation. Actually I'm really enjoying living alone. Sometimes I do miss the everyday partnership but only sometimes. It comes and goes.

Today I finally chatted with Bob a bit. Our connection is just weird. I still like him even though we have so much misunderstandings and personality differences. Today was one of those days when I felt somewhat hopeless about us. We communicate way better face to face than in writing. So today was just one example of that, irritating each other by writing things that the other interpreted wrong. I really hope we'll manage to skype at some point like we said we would. That man makes me feel so many different things - good and bad - in short amount of time, that it just feels a bit unwise to like him. But it's not like you can control your emotions.. You can only control your actions, but I have no clue what my actions should be.
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  #272  
Old 09-08-2012, 08:31 AM
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Interesting times. It is an adjustment to be living in the same city with both of my partners. What I feel most of all is excitement and happiness. Cool!

With Mya it's a whole new situation. I love the fact that we can meet so easily. I love that the feeling of scarcity is not there: you know, the one which says "try to spend this time as effectively as possible since it will be a month until you see her again". Now when we see each other we can just do whatever we feel like and then we can see each other again and do whatever we feel like then. Of course, you can do that in a LDR but it just doesn't feel like it cause there's more conflict between what you want in that moment and what you want overall. E.g. I really want/need to sleep now but she's leaving tomorrow and I won't be able to touch her so I want to do that now instead of sleeping.

That is all great but there is one thing I want to look out for. I'm so excited that we can do all kinds of stuff anytime instead of being restricted to talking like you are in a LDR most of the time. But I don't want to miss out on the talking, I want to make time for that, too. There's something about the distance. Firstly, you can't do much else so you talk. But, secondly, it's also sort of "easier" to talk at anytime about anything, because there isn't really anything to lose. I'll try to explain that.

I start from the assumptions that talking is pretty much always good for the relationship, cause that is true to me. But if it's heavy stuff, you know it's going to be the focus for a while. You know you need to talk sometime soonish, but usually it's not so pressing it can't wait for a bit. So at a certain moment, you are in the middle of something or you might rather feel like cuddling or having hot sex or just relaxing together, and by starting a heavy conversation you will lose those other outcomes at least for the near future. In a LDR you will be talking about that for a while, but that's what you most need to talk about anyway so it doesn't matter. So, while I've been happy with the amount of talking I have done with Mya when I've seen her since moving, I want to remain mindful that we take time to talk, too.

With Alec, things are going good. We've been getting along surprisingly well taking into account the fact that neither of us is yet working and we are living in a single room. But we've been out and about together quite a lot to see the city and it's been great.

The fact that I now have another partner living in the same place, whom I see regularly, is an adjustment for Alec and our relationship, as well. Obviously not all is concretely that different: we've had friends and lives beyond each other before and of course I've been in a relationship with Mya for almost 1,5 years. However, the overnight stays will be much more regular from now on. On one hand, Mya won't be visiting our place for long periods of time as she has. On the other, my staying over at her place few nights every week will be a part of our everyday lives from now on.

Alec has earlier said that he doesn't know how it will feel for him once we're in the same city, and if it will be difficult for him. So far he's been a lot like he's been in earlier poly-related situations: he feels mostly positive, some negative, mostly handles that all by himself, and usually tries to schedule something fun/comfortable for himself while I'm away.


I've felt a bit nervous about this aspect, though I try not to worry too much since it's really out of my hands... In the end, Alec will be reasonably satisfied with the situation or he won't. Either way I can't do more than listen to him if he wants to talk, be an understanding and kind partner, and be accommodating in the things I feel aren't too much (e.g. I can call/text him when I'm out even though it's not my first preference).

Also it all entails me keeping my own reactions in check, e.g. not pestering him when I see he is feeling bad and chooses not to talk. I always feel like we have to talk about it, but I've done some thinking aroung that. Firstly, my need for him to talk comes from the fact that I want to make him feel better which is nice but also a bit selfish (his negative feelings make me feel uncomfortable and guilty so I try to fix it). Secondly, it is his choice if he wants to talk: I cannot make him, and even if I can do it by interrogating him, that is not really the relationship dynamic I want. Thirdly, while I get that sense of urgency to talk when I see him sad, that is not necessarily true. If he never talked to me, it would be a problem, but that is not the case. He has told me that he sometimes feels bad but that he knows it will pass in some time, so I have the information I need to have. When that then does happen, it is a valid choice on his part to just wait for the feelings to pass without talking to me about them each separate time.

Soon, I'm leaving with Alec and he'll take me to the bus visiting the store at the same time, and I'm going to meet Mya. We'll go shopping and meet her friend, and I'll spend the night at Mya's, and I'll want to get some talking done, too.
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Last edited by rory; 09-08-2012 at 08:34 AM.
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  #273  
Old 09-18-2012, 10:29 AM
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I have some poly things to write but just a little inspiration. So this will be a non-poly post, cause there's inspiration for that.

http://artofmanliness.com/2011/01/24...over-yourself/

Some thoughts about this article. I totally agree with the message, and happy to notice that I often trust my intuition even if I get a lot of feedback towards shoulding. Sometimes I do do that; i.e. should over myself (sometimes with encouragement from other people. I pretty much always do what I actually want in the end, but when I'm shoulding, I second-guess myself more, and that is tiring. That's why I want to write them out a bit.

I regularly feel like I should do something else than cleaning to support myself. There's one big, rational reason: why would I do the worst paying job for money when there are other kind of jobs I could get which would pay somewhat more (e.g. customer service)? But also some other reasons, based on some things that I may not consider as valid. The thought/feeling behind the should goes somewhere along the lines of "I am so awesome and have so many talents and could do so much more and who knows what I could achieve if I didn't choose to do cleaning?". Which is not really untrue, because I do have many talents for things other than cleaning. But some of it is based on this culturally (and monetarily) supported view of cleaning as something not-valuable, and that is not something I actually believe.

The reason I want to, eventually, do something else is not because I think cleaning is beneath me (which I don't) but because I have other interests towards which I wish to put my energy as much as I can. This is perhaps sometimes confused with seeking money/status, which I could probably get better from almost any job, which then leads to people making remarks about my choosing to clean, which then lead me to revisit and should some more. Which I want to let go of. I don't wish to put my energy into learning a new kind of job, or into job-seeking to get one when I can be a cleaner quite easily (with the 5-year experience I have), or really even into thinking about all kinds of alternative things I could be doing. I would welcome a job in my own field, but until that is more realistic, I'm quite happy to continue cleaning.

Another example also comes to mind. I don't really should over it much myself, but I do get comments (+financial consequences) pretty regularly about my past study choices. I.e. having left a non-interesting field after a year, starting over in a more interesting field, and then after two years starting over the more interesting stuff in a country I more want to live in. Adding to that now moving cities in the middle of my studies (without starting over, though). I do follow what I want to do, but not all of it looks that great in a CV, for example. And I am well aware of the potential of "you should just stick it out" -comments. I don't believe that myself, though, and have happily surrounded myself largely with people who are supportive of my choices and don't should.
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Last edited by rory; 09-18-2012 at 10:32 AM.
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  #274  
Old 09-18-2012, 11:20 AM
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More poly-related post!

Me and Alec have now moved to our permanent apartment! We'll be here at least half a year but maybe more. It's much smaller than where we were living previously (no way we could afford that size in Dream City because it's more expensive here), but I like it a lot. It's technically a studio, but there's a door between the bedroom and the kitchen, and the rooms are actually the same size, so it feels more like a (very small) one bedroom apartment. Which is totally great! The location is also awesome, even though that wasn't really even the priority when looking.

I'm going to a women's poly meet-up with Mya soon. I've never been to a poly meet before, but it's cool that Dream City offers this kind of thing. I don't really have much expectations, and don't know if I'll want to go again, but might meet some cool people so why not go and see.

I totally love having two short-distance relationships, btw. There are two aspects to it: I like to be able to spend a lot of time with specifically these two people, but also I like the fact that I now have two of my closest people near me. I don't have that many close friends, and with all the moving it's been a luxury when there are even two people I am close to and see regularly in the same place. Additionally, there are of course other things. Like closeness, company, and let me tell you that currently I am extremely satisfied with my sex life.

With Mya it has felt really natural and comfortable to move out of ldr, and even though I never considered not being in a relationship because of the distance and would do it again if needed, I really hope we'll get to stay close to each other for a good long time.

Alec has so far been really great and sweet about the whole change. This is unexpected but nice, because for so long he's been more ambivalent and reacted mostly neutrally towards anything poly-related. In the beginning of the poly thing he experienced more intense compersion but also more of the insecurity, and it has all leveled out a lot. It is totally fine by me if he is ambivalent about my other relationship, and I'm happy with that. However, obviously I enjoy seeing him happy and enjoy the reassurance I get when he is so clearly supportive (reassurance I can live without, because my culturally-induced guilt about non-monogamy is mine to manage, but reassurance which is nice to have and lessens the managing I have to do myself). Examples. The messages (not too many) he's sent me for goodnight have been very sweet. Another thing is that when I've said something like "I think I'll be home around x time" he responds something like "yeah, be as long as you want ". Just small stuff but makes me feel happy, one of the best ways to show me love and appreciation.
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  #275  
Old 09-19-2012, 10:29 PM
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I talked with Mya about my feelings around her relationship with Bob (fwb is still relationship) a while ago. I'll let her write about what she got out of it but I'll write about the feelings I've had.

At times, when Mya has talked to me about her relationship with Bob, I've felt uncomfortable. Sometimes she feels hurt about the way they interact/communicate, and it seems like there's a bit of this dynamic where she chases him and doesn't get what she wants in the relationship. Some of my discomfort has come directly from her feelings ("she is hurt, he must not be a good match/person") but some of it has also come from fear ("what does it tell me about her that she chooses to have this relationship, what if she isn't who I expect her to be or I can no longer trust her as much").

Note, all of the above are gut feelings I'm describing rather than things I actually believe. Rationally, I would not come to those kind of conclusions without some substantial evidence. And I don't follow those feelings in my actions. However, they also make it hard for me to offer much input around the issue since I feel I can't assess my own objectivity.

Anyway, I did decide that I will try to listen more and not mind if I don't have anything much to comment (which is not how I usually roll). But also, after talking with Mya we did come to the conclusion that maybe the slightly negative view I have about her relationship with Bob, and about his compatibility to her (which then leads to bias in any comments I might make about the whole thing), is coming from the fact that while she has told me some nice and sweet stuff, she has also told me much of the difficult stuff in detail. So, maybe there's also something to think about right there.

Don't know if this is very clear, but off to bed now.
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  #276  
Old 09-20-2012, 12:03 AM
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The talk with rory about Bob was really interesting and eye opening but also a bit difficult at the same time. Difficult in the sense that it's not always easy to hear the truth but obviously I still always want to hear it. I felt sad that my behaviour regarding Bob was affecting rory that much that it made her question my personality and trustworthiness on an emotional level. I can totally understand it now though, so it's really good that she said something. I hate the fact that it looks like I'm chasing him, but to be honest I am the one who is more initiative, actually way more. If it was up to him, we'd probably talk twice a year or something. But from now on, I've decided to stop chasing him, to give him more space and to relax about what's going to happen. I do still want to be his friend but I want to lower my expectations back to where they were before. I guess I got hung up on the last visit before I left, because it was so emotional and different than usual. That did something to my expectations without me trying or even realising it. I have to adjust them again. I think that is the key, because the reason I'm hurt by his comments is that I'd like him to say pretty things to me but he doesn't. If I didn't expect pretty things, I wouldn't be hurt. I'd like him to say he misses me and wants to skype soon. Instead he's not saying he misses me and is like "yeah, we can skype at some point". He's keeping his distance. And that is fine as long as I don't expect anything from him. So that's what I'm doing now. Trying to steer this friendship back to non-attachement-ville.
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Last edited by Mya; 09-20-2012 at 12:08 AM.
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  #277  
Old 09-20-2012, 10:19 AM
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Today I'm missing JJ. He did something really sweet to me and I couldn't help but cry a bit. He's such a good person, considerate and supportive. I read my earlier posts about our break-up and I can't believe I hadn't written about one big reason for it. He decided Dream City wouldn't be the place for him. He could live here for like a year or something but he just doesn't see himself settling down here for good. And that is what I want to do. Or I could possibly live somewhere else too but not Home Country, and most definitely not my home town. It has nothing to offer me (except the people living there of course), it's too small. So.. Even though I wrote earlier that getting back together is possible, it's looking quite unlikely because of this. I think we could possibly resolve our other problems but this one is a tough one.
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  #278  
Old 09-25-2012, 07:31 PM
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Me and rory went to poly women's meet-up and it was really nice. It was so cool to talk to people about poly relationships like it's a normal thing. I'm definitely going to one of those meet-ups again!

I've been thinking about dating lately. I don't know if I want to do that, at least yet. A part of me is curious to see what's out there but another part of me says I'm really happy right now, with rory and everything else going on in my life. I moved to Dream City partly because I wanted to have the chance to do the things I want to do. My home town is so small that I can't even have the hobbies I want, because they don't have it there. So a part of me feels like dating someone new would take too much time from the things I want to do with my life. But then again, starting something new might be fun and exciting.. I don't know. Maybe I'll just keep my eyes open and if I happen to meet someone new, I won't say no, but I won't put a profile on a dating site either. At least not yet.
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  #279  
Old 09-26-2012, 09:11 AM
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It is strange. There is something new in this situation when Mya no longer has a live-in partner. Even though all of us have been poly and open from the start, somehow a potential new partner feels a bit more threatening. As so often, it is not really about any concrete thing that could happen but the whole uncertainty, feeling like anything can happen at any time. Apparently the live-in partnership brings some sort of illusion of safety and stability, because even if she did meet somebody and want to move really fast in that relationship, she would already be living with somebody and stuff like moving in together would be a longer process.

It hasn't really been true, because obviously anything can happen in life at any time anyway. And in the end I do trust Mya to make decisions which take our relationship into account. Moreover, I trust that even if she didn't, I would have my own choices to make and would survive that as well.

There are some more irrational feelings as well... Like a really big part of me is totally fine&happy with the thought of Mya having a deep, meaningful partnership with somebody new. But there is this little part. Like when I think about her living with somebody else, it goes "but I was with her first!". Don't think I don't see the absurdity of that when 1) I am living with another partner myself, 2) there are no plans towards me and Mya living together in any setting (not saying that it could never happen), 3) I don't see cohabitation as a marker of status/importance of a romantic relationship, and 4) I don't view the length as a marker of status/importance of a romantic relationship. So it is in no way relevant if "I was there first" or have anything really to do with my relationship with Mya if she does live with somebody... but it's not like emotions are always rational (shocker ).

On to othern things. It's finally setting in with Alec. We are getting to that place where we irritate each other easily since we are in tight quarters and neither of us is working. Happily, I started studies yesterday (fun!), and that will likely help. I do hope he gets to start work soon (and me too). We are also very stressed because we are running out of money with the whole moving and deposits and having had no income for a month. It is frustrating to wait for start dates on jobs you have been offered ages ago. Should be starting any day now but that's what we've been thinking this far and weeks go by really fast.

I don't mean to say we fight a lot, mostly we are happily coexisting, it's just that we bicker almost daily. It doesn't last long, but it's irritating. Hopefully it will pass again soon. Otherwise, we've been in a really good place: we are spending a lot of time together gaming and being close and doing stuff, I'm enjoying that.

I'm going to the city with Mya today... we'll have dinner and visiting sex toy shops. It's fun to go together and see what looks interesting.
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  #280  
Old 10-02-2012, 12:37 AM
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Nothing new really, but recently I've noticed myself thinking that I do feel very polysaturated. I guess it is due to reflecting with Mya that I notice this. Although there are no agreements with my partners that would state that I can't start another relationship, I don't really see myself as available. I notice this when I talk with Mya about her potentially dating somebody new... I don't really consider doing that myself. Never say never, but at the moment I feel pretty strongly that I really don't want to have a third partnership. It would be too much.

I don't know why it feels important to say that. It's kinda like saying "I don't want to order another pizza". What is the point of stating that? Nobody is saying I should so just don't do it if you don't want to. I guess I just want to remember this feeling of polysaturation in case I get those feelings for somebody and have that urge at some point. Unless the situation hasn't changed significantly, I want to remember that in a grand scheme of things, I just don't want another relationship.

I guess there's also something... At times the two partnerships feel like a lot. Luckily, haven't felt like it's too much, but maybe even a bit more would be enough in terms of energy and time. I think some of all this is also adjusting to the new situation of living in the same place with both. And all the mental exhaustion around everything else in my life right now. It hasn't really been the concrete aspects, i.e. the time I've spent with my partners has been lovely, rather things like mental energy that goes into scheduling, or not even really the act of scheduling itself but the fact that I have an activity scheduled.

There's something that is psychologically a bit difficult in that regardless of how very much I actually want to do the activity I have scheduled. Don't know how to explain it, it's just that it's there in the back of my mind (and as a reminder on my phone) as something I need to remember to do; and I guess right now it's more of an effect since I have 148 things in the back of my mind (and on my phone) that need doing. Don't really think there's much that can be done about that, because not scheduling meeting when that is something I want to happen would be even more stressful since then meeting would be too spontaneous. I guess time will help once it becomes more routine and maybe certain days emerge.

(This probably sounds like a Big Problem, but it's not. I just like to think&write about stuff.)
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