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  #161  
Old 02-24-2012, 09:54 PM
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I'm feeling a bit better at the moment. We've talked some more and I feel relieved because I've been able to express all my feelings, just as raw as they are right now. Complete honesty. I have to share something quite beautiful he said to me which made me remember why I love him: "I know neither of us has much appreciation for long marriages that aren't happy. So if I bring more unhappiness than happiness to your life, we should break up." I asked if that's something he wanted. He said: "No, I don't want to break up. But I will always love you no matter what you decide. I just want you to be happy." He said all that with a very emphatic voice and I truly believe he wants what's best for me. That makes me feel really good. I feel like we're on a some kind of trial period now. If we manage to rebuild the trust and he doesn't do something like that again in the near future, we might make this work again. I certainly hope so.
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  #162  
Old 02-25-2012, 11:15 AM
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I am happy that I don't have overly protective instincts or anything like that, and I have pretty clear view of the relationships as separate. I think that helps me to be supportive without overstepping my boundaries. It is obviously sad, though, to see Mya hurting. And it is hard to be so far away in this kind of situation, when I really want to hug her and hold her. I love the support she has received here, though.

--

Quote:
Originally Posted by karatekid7412589 View Post
Thanks for making me think about this because I also had doubts. Way to go against the grain in an already "against the grain" lifestyle!!
Glad to help! Good luck with exploring poly.

--

I spent the last week with my closest friend, first I travelled to visit her by bus and then she came here with me. We talked tons, and it was lovely. At the moment, I am in a really good and peaceful place with myself and my loves.
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  #163  
Old 03-07-2012, 09:12 AM
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Since we know we're moving soon, we've been going through stuff to throw away and there's loads! We're moving from a house to a smaller apartment so we have to get rid of a lot of things. I find it kind of therapeutic. It feels good to leave the old stuff behind and just bring with me the things I really like or need. Kinda symbolic.

I'm going to see rory again in a few days, yey! I'm so happy that we've been able to arrange seeing each other almost every month. This time I'm spending about 5 days there. After that I'm going to spend 3 days in Dream City. One of my friends there has a birthday and I'm attending to her party and see some other friends during the visit too. It's always so great to go to Dream City, walk the streets and dream about which parts of the city I would like to live in, what kind of apartment I would have, what would be my nearest park.. Only 6 months to go! Before that there's still the other move, out of this house.

I've been thinking about something lately. I think I've felt the NRE effect a bit longer than rory has. I've noticed in the past that even though I have crushes on people quite easily, they don't occur when I'm starting out a new relationship. When I started dating JJ, there was at least a year when I didn't have crushes on anybody else. I guess that's one of the effects of my NRE that are quite clear to me. When I start to have crushes for other people, that's when I know my NRE phase is over. That's the main reason I had some negative feelings (small, but anyway I had them) when rory told me she was interested in sleeping with Ally. I felt like she had stopped being in NRE with me when I was still feeling it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that even if it was so, although it also could've been that rory experiences NRE differently than I do. In the moment though I felt like we weren't in the same place with our feelings and that was the thing that made a bit sad. The reason why I'm bringing this up again is that I feel like finally my NRE is gone. First of all, now that I think about rory and Ally, I think 'go for it!'. I don't feel bad about it anymore, not even the tiny bit I did before. I also feel super confident in our relationship so that's also one thing that makes me feel at ease if she's with someone new. And the last thing how I know my NRE is over: I've started to think about sleeping with other people. Especially this one guy I know. He's a friend of mine. Well, we're not very close friends but we hang out often because we have a mutual friend and that's how we've gotten to know each other a bit. I don't have a crush on him, he's not someone I would date (too masculine), but I find myself thinking about him just sexually. He's in an open relationship so we could do it without hurting anyone. So..let's see how it goes.
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  #164  
Old 03-07-2012, 10:08 AM
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Similar reaction here, you go girl!

The NRE thing really interesting! I do think mine ended a bit sooner (though I couldn't set a definite date, more like phasing out), but my hots for Ally wasn't a signifying thing. On the contrary, when at the hight of NRE I felt totally overflowing with affection in general as well as towards Mya. So for me NRE doesn't have such an effect where I don't have interest for other people, too.

I'm totally looking forward to seeing Mya in a few days time! We have been skyping a lot, and hot plans have been discussed. Obviously I also want cuddles and hugs and closeness. That is what I usually miss the most when we're apart. Right now, though, I'm missing sexual action at least as much. Maybe cause we've been talking about it somewhat more... Well, enough of that now.
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  #165  
Old 03-07-2012, 10:27 AM
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That is actually really interesting how the NRE affects us in different ways. I'm glad we can talk about it so I can feel just as loved as I would if you reacted the same way as I do. And the plans.. I'm really looking forward to them as well.
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  #166  
Old 03-09-2012, 08:46 PM
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I feel like writing but I don't really know what about! Mya's coming tomorrow, Alec and I will go to pick her up from the airport. It's actually a really good time, she'll be here around two in the afternoon, which is pretty rare since we have such a long distance and always try to fly cheap. We should do some cleaning around the flat before we go pick her up, not that Mya minds the mess, but it's a good reason to vacuum, nobody has done that in ages.

I met a girl at the Uni who seems really great, we're planning to have coffee some time next week. Oh, how I'd love to get a local friend out of her!
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  #167  
Old 03-14-2012, 08:39 PM
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Today I got to introduce rory to my friend who lives here in the same city as her. The friend of mine actually asked for it and I'm happy she did. They got along great! Rory had to leave a bit earlier so I stayed in the coffee shop with my friend. She said that rory seems lovely and that I've made a good choice.
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  #168  
Old 03-16-2012, 09:06 AM
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Our previously planned sleeping schedule (every third night with Alec when Mya is visiting) has, again, broken down the last two times Mya's been here. I feel that it's been for really positive reasons, though. It was never supposed to be set in stone or anything. Last time, Mya was only here for 4 nights, so Alec suggested that I sleep all the nights with her, which I happily accepted. [Btw, I am talking about sleeping together in the literal sense only, we don't have a schedule for the other stuff ] This time it's just been a flexible schedule, since Alec has gone to sleep earlier for work. Again the suggestion came from him that since we won't be falling asleep together anyway, it would be fine if I slept with Mya instead on "his nights". So I only ended up sleeping with him once during the 6 nights (when I was tired and wanted to go to sleep earlier). These are no big changes or anything, but I just love how it's become so flexible, since that's how I like it. Just making decisions based on how everybody feels and other things in life. It also makes me optimistic that scheduling won't be a of problem once we're all living closer to each other, either, since all of us are flexible, communicating, and able to reach decisions everybody can be satisfied with. I feel happy about the fact that in all relationship, including between metamours, there is concern for each other's happiness.

Overall, it was again a lovely visit. Simply comfortable and peaceful. Also, I had a good amount of alone time with Mya, which was great. I feel such love for her, and affection, and attraction, and closeness. We are off to Paris next month, and we'll have our one-year anniversary in three weeks. I truly appreciate her presence in my life.

My anniversary with Alec is just a few days apart from mine and Mya's, we'll have been together for 8 years soon. I feel that our love and our relationship keeps becoming stronger and deeper. Also, I feel that the previous year that we've been poly (in addition to open, which came earlier) has enabled even more growth for us, both individually for each of us and together in our relationship. I can certainly say that I am more independent and more secure in myself and more committed to our relationship; and it seems to me that he has been through similar changes. Not that all of those things weren't present before, they merely have increased. I feel it has been very beneficial to both of us, and to our relationship.

Happy.

Last edited by rory; 03-16-2012 at 09:08 AM.
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  #169  
Old 03-17-2012, 09:34 AM
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Alec has a friend (let's say C) who is in quite a restrictive relationship. Basically, C's girlfriend dictates what he is and isn't allowed to do (and I'm not talking about things like basic monogamy rules, but as in he can't have a certain hobby and things like that). His interactions with Alec are somewhat limited by that as well; it is hard for them to set up a time to meet etc. Anyway, C commented to Alec that he had misunderstood that since Alec and I spend a lot of time in different rooms doing our own stuff, it meant that I was angry at him. Alec explained that it's just that we are autonomous in our relationship, we don't need to hang out all the time when both of us are at home. C commented "you're lucky".

I agree. Though it's not so much about luck but what we have created together, what emerges out of being autonomous and making boundaries in a relationship. There are some immediate emotional rewards that a symbiotic/co-dependent relationship offers, and those can be lucrative particularly in NRE or if one is (unconsciously) scared of independence whether it's fear of failure or fear of abandonment. But that kind of a dynamic is often just frighteningly unhealthy (depending on the extent to which the couple comes before the individual).

I feel happy that both of my partners appreciate their own independence and want to honour mine. I feel happy that none of us need each other; instead we want to be in this. This is what I want.

Last edited by rory; 03-17-2012 at 09:38 AM.
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  #170  
Old 03-17-2012, 04:21 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Woah, I'm kind of worried about C, especially since he doesn't seem to necessarily understand that the reality within his relationship is not how most relationships work. Yes, Alec is very lucky to have you, but not because it's some magical, beautiful ideal simply that you're not insane! That's actually pretty standard, whereas the level of control that you're saying C's gf takes over him seems really creepy and unhealthy outside of a context of negotiated, mutually desired D/s.

Maybe Alec could share some literature with him about emotional abuse and talk to him more about what healthy relationships look like?
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