Poly journey of Mya and rory

[rory]

Thanks Annabel. <3 I felt sort of funny writing after the post about the news. I felt like commenting, but then.. Is it just me of does it feel sort of strange to say "oh, your husband had sex with somebody else, I'm so happy for both of you!".

A book is good, and also this time Mya had gotten an internet connection on her phone, so we were both able to surf at the same time. It was also sort of good that she had to work a lot, because I was able to study well, too.

[AnnabelMore]

Keep it classy, and just send him this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o&ob=av3e

[rory]

Totally

[Mya]

How I wish that would've been so. All going swimmingly I mean. It didn't. When I came back home, we talked some more about the sex. I found out he broke a safe sex boundary we had agreed on. It was to use protection always, also in oral sex. And he didn't do that (he did during intercourse though). I'm so sad and hurt that he broke my trust. Obviously I'm glad he told me right away before anything between me and him had happened after the incident. But that's just the very least he should do. We've talked very much during the last two days. He knows what he did was wrong and is very sorry, he's not making any excuses. He also says that he's not going to do it again. But it's going to take a while to regain the trust.

I'm so sad.

[Phy]

Oh dear, that is a tough one. As soon as I read it, the 'why' question popped up but you didn't talk about that for a reason I guess. I am sorry that you are hurting, I hope you will reach a comfortable place as soon as possible. *sigh* So sorry to hear this, you did so great in this situation, I was amazed about your calmness and how OK you were with everything.

[Mya]

Phy, thanks for the comment and support! I didn't talk about the reason why because there really wasn't any. It was just a selfish moment of inconsideration. Alcohol played some part as well. Not really anything he could say to defend himself or make it any better.

[AnnabelMore]

I'm sorry, Mya. What the heck is up with otherwise good people totally forgetting their ethics once temptation appears?? Is it that hard to say "I'd like this but it wouldn't be ok with my partner, let me talk to him/her and maybe next time we can give it a go"??? We're not impulsive teenagers anymore who can't weigh the consequences of our actions...

[Mya]

Annabel, thanks. Yeah, exactly. I don't know what's up with that! I actually said to JJ that he seems to be doing well on the non-monogamy part but not as well on the ethical part. But he sure seems miserable about this. He says he really has learned his lesson, he felt awful all the days leading to telling me.

[Mya]

I feel weird. Life goes on as usual, we do our everyday stuff like any other day but somehow I feel like something's changed. We don't really talk about the broken trust issue anymore, because I feel there's nothing to say. It's all been said already. There's nothing left I'd want to hear from him regarding this. But still somehow I feel like we should talk about it or otherwise I can't get over it. I feel conflicted. Also, at times I feel like hugging or kissing him but I just don't. Something inside me is stopping me. Sometimes it's even hard to look at him if he's smiling because that makes me smile too and I don't want to look happy. Because right now I am not. This all sounds (and feels) so strange. It's not like I don't want to forgive him and let go of his mistake. But I just feel like I need something, some reassurance of sorts but the feeling is so vague that I can't ask for anything specific.

[karatekid7412589]

Originally Posted by rory

Since beginning our poly relationship I have read a lot of stuff about poly on the Internet. I knew of poly beforehand, but not much beyond that. Thus, learning about all the different ways of "doing poly" has caused me to reflect a lot on what kind of a poly is good for me. What is it that I want, what feels right to me, and what doesn't.

One poly "style" I can't relate to is a rigid primary/secondary view of partners. I have a really strong feeling of wanting my partners to be equal, and had this feeling even before embarking on poly. I have had some difficulties wrapping my mind around the concept of equality not meaning sameness, and what that means in practice, but I'm getting there. Anyway, today I was thinking more about why I feel a primary/secondary relationship wouldn't feel right to me.

One thing I realised was that there is a conflict between what I feel is right and one thought often (but not always!) associated with the primary/secondary view. The thought being "You will be my primary: therefore in case of a conflict situation, you and your needs will always come before the one's of my secondary partner, simply due to that position.". I.e. I would give my primary partner a right to demand anything from me, no matter how unreasonable, because "he was there first" (or because I gave him that position). The underlying assumption being that I will make choices based not on any objective reasons but on "who I love the most" or "who is the most important to me" or whatever the primary status is supposed to signify. Of course, there is usually an assumption that goes with it that the primary partner won't demand anything completely unreasonable and horrifying; say, my secondary's mother dies and my primary doesn't want me to spend time comforting her because he want's to watch a movie. But, I don't know. Sometimes it can be used that way, e.g. vetoing somebody without any significant reason. And, if I make decisions and choises based on how reasonable the request is, why would my partner need a primary status if they are not planning on making unreasonable requests? Either they are, or they don't trust me to take them and their needs into consideration. Either way, I think there's a deeper problem.

Rory, I agree with your concerns and from my signature you can tell that I do not currently have anyone else to share my love with, but Whitelettersky does. If I did have someone in my life other than her than I would want to honor the word "polyamory" and have multiple people that I love. I would not want a pyramid based love structure where you are my primary and she is my secondary and third and fourth and so on, but each new block of the pyramid will get less of my love and respect?? Doesn't make sense. If I had 12 lovers then what would number 12 get? a phone call once a year? haha I'm obviously exaggerating, but there needs to be boundaries and an LTR of 10 years should probably make a larger impact on big decisions than a NRE of 3 weeks.

Thanks for making me think about this because I also had doubts. Way to go against the grain in an already "against the grain" lifestyle!!