Evolution (Or Becca's very long winded when ze gets started journal)
I wanted to give more background into myself and add to this, as a continuing blog at least once a month as things go on with me. I want to understand myself, because as illogical as humans are, there is a pattern of behavior that stems from the past. I want to dissect my life, mostly my dating history, so I can find mine. Why does x scare me? Why do I feel like this about y? I'm also realizing poly isn't a new thing for me, just newly acted on.
I don't mind if someone feels the need to ask on something and I do encourage talking here. I know I'm rambly and I'm sharing a lot of myself right now, so questions will happen.
2005, 9 years ago:
I've never been good at communicating with people. I was the pudgy girl, the tall one (Though I've capped off at 5'7 3/4), smart, stupid. Any insult, someone had it for me. I started to grow facial hair due to a condition I still don't understand. I was failing and facing many anxieties when going to school due to bullies, acute brain damage I suffer from, undiagnosed dyslexia and autism, and depression.
This is all important because it should give clarity to the next part. I ended up on forums, which were forbidden by my mother due to "sexual predators are everywhere! Especially where RP is!" but I didn't listen like every teen. I found a way of communicating where I could show my inner workings without everything else getting in the way. It wasn't looked down upon to know a lot, most people found it fascinating. Spell check made sure none of my words were tripped over and misspoken. No one wanted me to translate what they said into something I could understand instantly. If I didn't show up and had a few new scratches and cuts when I returned, no one could see and question it and was just happy I was back.
This lead into my first boyfriend (Eric for convenience) and my first learning of what codependency is, my sexuality, and abuse. It's only looking back I can see the codependency and the abuse.
I was like any teenager and clingy as hell. This boyfriend shouldn't have been anything special. Eric was older than me, unemployed, had only a passing interest in coding. He wasn't as into books as I was or games. He thought it was weird that I would get excited over any new bit of history I learned and was annoyed when I was able to correct his math and break his games without trying. Still, I was in love and knew full well we would spend forever together.
Except, that guy there was cute. And did that girl smile at me? Wow, me and this person really connect in a lot of ways. How could I love him if I'm falling for others?!
Then there was the topic of sex. All forever couples had sex. It's what every woman is to give to her husband and every husband is to want it, so they say. I hope everyone knows how wrong it is to think that way and dangerous, but I was young (Still am, not point). That's how I saw the world, even when I was thinking of females. I didn't want sex, though. I really had no interest in it and Eric still pushed. It was all text, but it was still the same to me.
Mentioning any of this to him became a horrible mistake. I was supposed to want sex, he'd make sure the real first time made me want it all the time since he was that good (Not exaggerated ego...). I was also not allowed to alone with any guy or girl. Since I was feeling any kind of crush, I was going to cheat and couldn't be trusted. Also, that friend I was trying to save from being homeless? Nope, not allowed. He couldn't stay with me because Eric didn't trust me and put all of that mistrust as my fault and my attempted suicides were proof I didn't really love him, just like my disinterest in sex must be.
He said he'd never hit me, and the relationship ended 2 years before I learned physical wasn't the only kind of abuse. I dealt with all this for 4 years, and it was so on and off I think we broke a fuse. During that time, I did chase a friend. I was so sure we would be a better match... I'm not proud of that time friend and did enter crazy mode often.
2009, 5 years ago:
I got out of the relationship with Eric by doing something I never had before and sadly would do again: Cheating. I had fallen for my friend Paolo, who was the one I tried to save from being homeless. There was around 2 years between the events, so Eric was still not justified in not trusting me with him.
The relationship was brief as Paolo was using me as a rebound, and then used me again the following summer... Which lead into a break down when I was tossed aside and his girlfriend causing hell... That's a long story, not sure I'll get into it yet. It did lead into my friendship with Sonya and Rinae falling through, which hit me very hard.
2011, 3 years ago
Effectively cut off from my friends and my normal circle of support, I went on to try to make new friends. Two people stood out: Kiara and Danny.
Kiara was a sweetie and still is, though I rarely talk to her now. I don't remember if she was married at the time or just engaged, but she toted me around with her husband and called me her wife or his other wife. I never got involved with them, she was obviously hoping for it. It was my first instance of a possible poly relationship and I was terrified. the prospect of loving two people wasn't impossible to me (Thank Mercedes Lackey for that), but it was so out of the blue that I wasn't the one wanting more than one person, but more than one person wanted me.
Nothing went on there, but it did start to open me up.
Then there was Danny... I knew Danny was a liar from the start. He was a strictly online relationship and he made so many mistakes I was able to track him to accounts he had made 7 years prior. I stayed... I don't know why fully. I could find everything this guy did wrong, even going so far and on the same site claim to be 3 unattached people, I saw him ignore me for Kiara, and I had him fake some mental illnesses for pity and threaten my life in the same breath. I thought if I gave him enough chances, he'd change. Left that card on the table so much, "If you've been lying, I'll forgive you and we can start over." He did get found out after he faked his death and I fed information through a friend to people. It was cruel to out him, but what he did was also cruel and twisted.
He's included for teaching me something. Throughout the first section of my dating, I let myself be pushed around. I even let him. It's been a hard thing to take back that control for my life, and I have lost it for a bit, but it's been one of the most empowering things to say I left him, that I got away from that. I also learned I have a love for tying people up and biting and clawing... Heh, rawr?
2012, 2 years ago:
This technically started back in 2011, but separating because tooooo many people there.
Josh and I had never really talked much. We had the same friends and saw each other for moments, had a few long conversations, but other than that, nada. That was already over a 5 year span. We ended making an effort to spend more time together and things went from there. He was single when this started, but ended up getting a girlfriend despite showing interest in me.
He explained that she was poly before and wanted to be again since there was another guy she liked and Josh was okay with it since he wanted to be with me. I shot it down at first. I had still not been in a poly relationship and the thought scared me. I questioned him on things and did my own research. When I was approached and told that the girlfriend would be okay with the relationship, I agreed but expressed not wanting to see her.
It was an eventually. I was still testing the pool and reading what I could on the different kinds of relationships, terms, how things worked for people, how they didn't. I felt comfortable sharing him and being a mono end, but I hated when he called me his secondary (Because "You came second")and being treated like I needed no attention and was just there for when his girlfriend wasn't available. Things went from there. I grew irritated the more on that he didn't listen, that I wasn't being treated right because I could not be barely in a relationship. I contemplated leaving so many times and did give up, went through things out of habit. Nothing felt like a good time.
Ooh, but I got one. She was there, in something that was mine and his, at his request. He wanted to push me to getting to know her, ignoring that not knowing her wasn't the problem. She left him after that, too, because she knew of me, but not that Josh had me as a girlfriend. That had never been disclosed. I argued with him that what he did was cheating, that he had used me for something like that. (Got him to realize it like 5 months ago too. Win.)
Josh, for the jerkiness that was our relationship, did have some bonuses. He treated me as something other than a girl. I was still figuring myself out, and still am, and he was fine with treating me as a man, woman in between, and neither, and did that. It was really affirming I wasn't a freak.
Last edited by BeccaDuine; 11-19-2014 at 11:04 AM. Reason: Grammar mistakes... I should've checked it over better.
2013, 1 year ago:
This one breaks my heart to think on still. I swore I wouldn't do poly again, because of how easy it was twisted and how hurt it left more than one person. I wasn't really broken up about losing Josh, just everything else involved.
I... ended up wasting no time in going for Marcy. Marcy was Josh's best friend that was more or less just like him, aside from the jerk part. I had almost as bad of a hit and miss history with her and I did with him, but we talked around 10 times more in that time. She was wonderful, funny, pretty, loved so many games and wanted me involved in so much. She even got along great with my circle of friends because they were hers, too.
And despite trying, I felt like a girl around her. It's a hard thing to explain on, because she called me by my chosen name unlike Josh, but in how they both treated me as a lover and partner, it felt different. I could ignore it, really, or tried. It stayed as a lingering thing, though.
And then I did the worst thing I could do. Marcy never wronged me aside from seeing a girl instead of something else. But when someone I had always clicked with more and knew for years treated me as me... I should have been able to say no, but I didn't. I cheated on her and couldn't bear it and left her. I still haven't told her why and probably never will. I'm certain she's already guessed.
This leads me into the second poly relationship I had.
Rinae and I had always gotten along pretty well. The only time we didn't was a disagreement between Sonya and me that was made worse by someone else years before. We've never had much trouble talking except for starting a conversation, which is normally easily fixed. I was able to get her out of the house more and she seemed to be genuinely improving health wise.
Sonya and I had never been as close. I was still gaining more ability to talk to her and help her as well. Really, everything just seemed to click instantly with them. They saw me and wanted me.
For anyone that's read my previous topics, you know where this is going fast.
Sonya ended up not liking the idea of sharing Rinae. If Rinae and I were trying to spend time together, she would insert herself or be left hurt. If we explained ourselves and got permission, it still had a huge chance of happening. There were also comments of Rinae seeming more attracted to me.
With Sonya and me, there were so many complaints that I wasn't trying enough, that I didn't love her the same as Rinae. I tried to explain things were just progressing slower, that it would just take time but it was rebuked so often and left to so many break downs for Sonya.
With the triad, it seemed so hard to keep things going smooth. Sonya wanted to be the center still, which didn't always happen... I was kicked from the middle of the bed multiple times because she was lonely and wanted to be cuddled by both of us. See, that's a fine thing, if I had gotten my turn again and wasn't met with "But tonight's my night," by her the next night.
Things kept going more downhill from there. Rinae and I agreed to focus more on Sonya to try and work things out more. This put a strain on us both as I was starting to be ignored or used a replacement when Rinae wasn't around and Rinae had to know that being with me for a short while would trigger a break down from Sonya while watching the dynamics of it all tear me down and lead to my own break downs.
And it was after I had another breakdown, because I was alone all day when I didn't need to be in my eyes, Rinae admitted her problems and how things weren't worth it. It hurt, but I can look back right now and agree. Any love we had started to build was left to die when we decided that relationship wasn't top priority. The triad had suffered the same fate.
Sonya ended up saying after that she only loved me as a best friend. Now, I'm not surprised, but then and still now, after everything I did to make her happy, that I gave up and pushed back and endured listening to her complain, it's still a great insult.
I'm picking myself up still. I'm analyzing things. I can see where Rinae and me went wrong by ignoring each other for someone else's gain. It was far from a good idea and killed something wonderful that was starting.
With Sonya, the problem was I tried to fix her, when she didn't want to fix herself. She's been poly before, she's enjoyed it, but she doesn't want to share Rinae. That's fine, but I'm sadly sure the reason isn't because of Rinae being as special as she says, but because of the abuse she's had before... That's still her prerogative.
I hope that those two can come up to speed and understand their feelings better after they get some help. I'm afraid of what denying them of exploring themselves and opening up their hearts will do later.
(Side note: I don't want to fix this relationship any more, as much as that hurts. I know there's still feelings for Rinae, and if at a later time they're okay with it, I wouldn't be against starting things again most likely, but that would be a different relationship with the people of the future, and not the broken people of now.)
I'm still getting help for me. I'm fixing myself and seeing how things go from there. I have a heart that can love at least two people, I know that, and I need to be in a relationship that sees that. I'm able to learn from all of these people and there will probably be more lessons ahead I'll put here.
And now you're caught up on the drama that is my young life. I'm going to eat cookies and play World of Warcraft until I pass out.
Last edited by BeccaDuine; 11-19-2014 at 11:07 AM. Reason: More grammar... Heh...
I swear I was going to write something back in December. I got distracted by busy busy since my last post.
I'm still living in the same situation, with both Rinae and Sonya. I can breathe, at least, and seem to be finding myself jealous of situations less. Progress is progress, even with the environment being as harmful as it is.
It's probably because of this situation that we don't seem to be moving on well. There are hugs ending in hands being held, hands being grabbed and squeezed, cuddles, kisses on the head and cheeks. While supposedly not being together, we're also not on a just friends level.
It's things Sonya and I have talked on. There's still an attraction, even on a physical level. There's also a longing to be romantically involved. Things are left in the embodiment of a "It's complicated" relationship. We've at least been able to remind ourselves that mentally, we're not prepared for things. The heart is annoying and ready to be in a poly relationship, but the brain is not in a good place. Things would need to be slow, and with any of the pain that's left, slow wouldn't happen.
There is one thing that really bothers me on this whole break up thing, though: The bed. They had a queen size when I moved in, which didn't fit 3 people at all. Sonya had found a king, but lack the funds so I covered 95% of it and she covered the remaining. And then I bought a sheet. And a frame. And so long as neither of them are sleeping, or at least not Rinae, I can use my bed, or sleep in my chair or this really bad single bed we have. Bed, bought for all of us, and how I can't help but see as mine, I more or less get a timeshare thing with. It's a highly material aspect and vaguely childish, but.... Mine...
Anyway, I have tried finding ways to move on and get out some away from things, like signing up for online dating, to try at least casual dating which I am horrible at. It feels like rather cruel thing to go looking for someone to just get your mind off things, at least based on my lack of sexual and romantic attraction without knowing someone, but it sounded good at the time. Unfortunately, no matter how I identify and look, I boil down to "Bisexual female" on most things set ups. I've been really surprised by how many profiles are handled by couples. Wanting to try poly. Wanting someone to date just them, and not individually. And ignore it being written "Out of triad, not looking for one." I should have expected it, but it's still very off putting.