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  #11  
Old 11-24-2009, 10:01 PM
windmarkbob windmarkbob is offline
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My wife brought this up to me last week, and we've discussed this in some detail. Our relationship, our marriage, is special, but the D/s is even more special to her and it is not something she wants shared. Me domming anyone else is more than she's willing to put up with, and that works out well since no one doms her but me. Acceptable boundary for both of us, and we both understand that if/when anything changes in our opinions, we'll air them, explain them, and go from there.

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  #12  
Old 11-24-2009, 11:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Question:

New to this. I want some feedback please.

If you are a sub to your Dom significant other-how do you feel (and why) about them having other sub's?
I am not an expert. Let's explore the different ways this could go.

Some subs and Doms have an understanding: "whatever Master wants." There is that much trust. Knowing your Mistress is domming someone else, to live up to her full potential, would be an act of pleasant service to some subs.

Esp poly subs.

I know some Doms won't let their subs have other partners, even when they can. I find that disturbing from a poly pov.

If a sub or Dom wanted another lover, and their nature is to dom or sub, I would wonder if that would enter into any other love relationship, whether you want it to or not.
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  #13  
Old 11-24-2009, 11:25 PM
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I haven't found any cross over from one relationship to the next. I can bring that side of me out when its appropriate. If a partner doesn't feel comfortable I would leave it alone.
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  #14  
Old 11-24-2009, 11:37 PM
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But some 24/7 lifestyle ppl can only relate as a Dom/sub or top/bottom. I dont know the case here.
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  #15  
Old 11-25-2009, 03:55 AM
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RP-I will reply in pm. You are welcome to share with mono (or your hubby) if you see fit.
Though you may find it not as interesting as you imagine.
If I don't get to it tnoight-I'll try tomorrow.
Its been a hectic week!
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  #16  
Old 11-25-2009, 04:12 AM
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For the board.

I am a control freak by nature. I am very "dominating" in day to day life.
For example, I structure the finances (for the WHOLE family including bf) and pay ALL of the bills. I do the grocery shopping generally.
I take care of the kids, decide their rules, their consequences, their health issues, their educational needs, I homeschool them, I pick the curriculum etc.
I plan the family activities and when/where we go on vacation and all that stuff-though obviously the guys "chime in" it's generally up to me to do the arranging.

I am also big on feminism and equality-those speak clear enough for the most part. I wear what the hell I want, when the hell I want and I work when I want, where I want, how I want. I decide how my hair will be (couple years ago I went from having it all the way down my back to less than 1 inch long, now it's growing out again) and bathe when I see fit with whatever I see fit ETC.

That said...

I hate it.
I hate having to ALWAYS be responsible for EVERY detail in life.
During sex it's VERY difficult for me to finish if I have to be in control. I have to be able to relax and give up control in order to get there, BUT that's something I've really never had enough trust to do in most relationships.

There are other examples, but I won't elaborate unless there is still confusion on that part of it.

Anyway-a couple weeks ago I expressed to Maca (and GG) that it is my desire that they BE (not play) dom to my sub so that I CAN have time in my life where I don't have to be "in charge" or "on the job" so to speak.
SO for example-instead of expecting me to decide if today is a day to wear the black leather or the lacy white lingerie.... JUST give me instructions.

Emotionally for me this is a HUGE step in trust. Letting ANYONE much less a man be in charge of deciding anything for me is HUGE HUGE HUGE. Way more intense and intimidating and causing me to be way more vulnerable than them screwing someone else OR falling in love with someone else.

But-much of the understandings people have of BDSM don't factor in.

Physical violence isn't part of the agreement. It gives some people pleasure-the three of us-aren't those people.
Punishment as commonly understood also doesn't factor in. More of a understanding that there is no "misbehavior" option. Period.

What does factor in is more similar in context to "master slave" relationships in that there is this huge EMOTIONAL sense of control that is unspoken.

BUT-none of this is yet "clearly hammered out" because I only let them in on this whole topic recently. PLUS there was some drama with immature and uncontrolled "ooooh I get to be boss" behavior followed by "this is f'ing stupid" behavior that led to a complete emotional breakdown by me resulting in a huge clean up following.
THEN as anyone who reads the board can see there's been a SHITSTORM of other stuff piling up too.

Now to have it suggested that someone else could be in that role left me spinning.

Basically what I've come up with at this point is that I really don't care about the physical activities commonly pertinent to bdsm and the guys (one or the other) playing in those roles with someone else.
Be dominating over someone else to your pleasure-I don't care.

But I'm not ok with them HAVING another sub.....

does that differentiation make sense?

A friend of mine is a natural sub too-and she's pretty much responsive to ANYONE who is dominant around/to her. But she doesn't HAVE a dom... if for example she and Maca wanted to play out D/s things with or without sex-that's ok, but he can't take her on as HIS sub...

Ok-now I'm getting interrupted and confused. I'll try to catch up on reading, deal with someone coming over in a few minutes and try to get back on and say something else if I can be more clearheaded!!!!!!
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  #17  
Old 11-25-2009, 04:23 AM
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Quote:
Some subs and Doms have an understanding: "whatever Master wants." There is that much trust. Knowing your Mistress is domming someone else, to live up to her full potential, would be an act of pleasant service to some subs.
In this sense it is somewhat true that we have that understanding-but part of that being possible-is ONE thing the guys want is for me to keep the family life and home life, and kid life etc "running smooth like always" and we have already an understanding between us of things that DO NOT change or come into play ever, no matter what-so it CAN be that way.... it's not "free for all whatever you want" as your paragraph states, does that confusion of my words make ANY sense?


Quote:
I know some Doms won't let their subs have other partners, even when they can. I find that disturbing from a poly pov.
Um-yeah that isn't an issue really. I have Maca and GG and the situation (talk about a poly bdsm situation here that I've never heard of) is that THEY are my joint Dom. I have no interest in another lover-and having another lover isn't agreeable to our poly-agreement anyway as we have a limit of two total per person, so I have my limit already.

Quote:
If a sub or Dom wanted another lover, and their nature is to dom or sub, I would wonder if that would enter into any other love relationship, whether you want it to or not.
Again-doesn't really pertain exactly. The answer is I am sub to both-and have no other lovers. BUT my issue wasn't "nature" of behavior. It was taking on an agreed "claim".

They are currently designing a "collar" for me that has two parts. One collar is gold-and can be worn alone. One is silver and can be worn alone. Worn together they connect and become one. The designs on each meld together to make an all together different design that is poly in nature...
That allows me "on a date with GG" to wear only the one pertinent to HIM, when "on a date" with Maca" to wear only the one pertinent to HIM and when it's all three of us (much more common) to wear them together.

Geez-the more I write the more confusing it sounds! You all are going to have me committed soon!!
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  #18  
Old 11-25-2009, 03:36 PM
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I'm largely confused at this point....

kind of feel like I just got off the tilt-a-whirl and am trying to get my balance back.

I wonder if a re-shuffle of household responsibilities are in order rather than becoming a sub.... maybe doing that first?

I am not seeing it as viable to be completely submissive if you are "the boss" of so many other areas of your life. Perhaps dividing responsibilities up more will create more balance and therefore more balance in the bedroom?

It did for me a couple of years ago.
I was the boss of everything. I had a baby back then and would bark out my orders to anyone who would listen and do as they were told.... extreme! I hated being a new mother, never took to the baby thing and was very resentful. That is the reason I only have one child. That gradually seeped into the bedroom. I just would lie back and take it in order to get off... after having other fun that is. Now there is a balance in everything in my life and I find that I can allow myself to be bossy and get off... if that makes sense? I am learning that I LOVE IT! there is nothing I love more than pinning my lover down, strapping them down and fucking the shit out of them until climax, mmmmmm mmmmmmm that is getting me going!

I'm using the term "boss" in a playful way here as in our house we use it that way... kind of "reclaiming" that word (that was a joke for Mono.... heh.).
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  #19  
Old 11-25-2009, 05:39 PM
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OK so we've veered off the OP to the real issue? Youre tired of Domming and want to sub for a while?

Hm.

Do you really, or do you just need to delegate more housework to your subs? Do they really have it in them to be the Doms after being subs for so long? how would that all play out, do you think?

The other q related to the OP seems to be, how would you feel if one of your partners collared a slave? You dont mind if they "play" BDSM games w another lover, but would feel threatened if they wanted a more formal relationship w a sub?

Just how capable do they seem of switching?
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  #20  
Old 11-25-2009, 07:44 PM
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Quote:
I'm largely confused at this point....

kind of feel like I just got off the tilt-a-whirl and am trying to get my balance back.
RP-sometimes I think I'm in love with your online self. Seriously-you so often SAY what I am thinking it's kind of like listening to myself talk!!!!
I feel that way right now already-but when I was trying to write and then read it-I was like "WOW that IS a freaking tilt-a-whirl!


Quote:
I wonder if a re-shuffle of household responsibilities are in order rather than becoming a sub.... maybe doing that first?
That's already been done-I was trying to give you guys an example of my personality vs my responsibilities-admittedly didn't do a great job. I don't remember currently (and don't know how to flip between pages) if I mentioned that with all that is going on I am having serious issues with my anxiety levels-which is a major component of my ADD. It also causes me to have difficulty wording things, taking what's in my mind and transferring it to words and language that is coherent.


Quote:
I am not seeing it as viable to be completely submissive if you are "the boss" of so many other areas of your life. Perhaps dividing responsibilities up more will create more balance and therefore more balance in the bedroom?
It's not a "completely submissive" thing in one sense and it's not really "bedroom related per se either". I need to work on figuring out how exactly to explain it.

One thing that complicates-is that Maca (and GG) have NEVER participated in ANYTHING to do with D/s at all in their lives and are very uneducated on the topic. So it's a gradual thing-because without understanding completely that a D's purpose is to Find and figure out the "unspoken needs" of the s, then they have to CREATE the "environment" that will "allow" those needs to be fulfilled without the s having responsibility for them.... they can't appropriately be a Dom.

So without them being fully aware yet-there is much that hasn't been done/addressed/agreed to/incorporated.

Quote:
It did for me a couple of years ago.
I was the boss of everything. I had a baby back then and would bark out my orders to anyone who would listen and do as they were told.... extreme! I hated being a new mother, never took to the baby thing and was very resentful. That is the reason I only have one child. That gradually seeped into the bedroom. I just would lie back and take it in order to get off... after having other fun that is. Now there is a balance in everything in my life and I find that I can allow myself to be bossy and get off... if that makes sense? I am learning that I LOVE IT! there is nothing I love more than pinning my lover down, strapping them down and fucking the shit out of them until climax, mmmmmm mmmmmmm that is getting me going!

Not really pertinent to this situation-but sexy visual anyway.

I gotta run-again. Going for my walk. I'll come back this afternoon to catch up on all my messages and the million and one questions I'm causing all of you patient posters to have in trying to help me.
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