My icky can of worms lol

[GroundedSpirit]

I hear you loud & clear
I know from your original post that you're struggling with some blockages there and it's sad from the reasons you offered.
I think RedPep had some detailed sage advice a couple posts back too.

Quote:
"I would suggest perhaps using your cuddle time to move forward into moving that feeling into sexual times.... perhaps if you ask him not to have his own agenda at all in your love making for an occasion. "....etc

Are you familiar with Tantra at all ? If not might be worth at least checking out.

But this is/was one of the "buckets" I was referring to. We kind of refer to it as "spiritual sex". That state of complete joining when you literally become one entity. No separateness. Each feeling all the other feels. The same thoughts. The fact that you are even having sex becomes lost !
I'm not sure that's something you can reach for - try for - although Tantric practice is intended to refute exactly that opinion. I tend to think it just "happens". Happens during a state of "openness" which I read is just a hard place for you to get to. And maybe it's as hard for him albeit for different reasons.
There's a lot to be said for living in that state of "openness" - all day - every day. Is there some risk involved ? Yes - I suppose so. But with practice - especially awareness practice - it becomes evident that the risk is worth the gain.
I hope you can work towards that - being open -with awareness - to life around you. The rest will follow

[Ilove2men]

I also wanted to add that my fiance is extremely giving and rarely ever expects anything in return. His satisfaction comes from giving. So this will be extremely helpful through this process.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Ilove2men

Ceoli, from your personal experience do you think that the self protect mode on seperating the emotional and physical can be completely overcome or do I need to reduce my expectations somewhat to protect myself from feeling defective and damaged again, if I can't connect on that level everytime.

Sorry, you weren't asking me, but I have something to say about it if that is okay...

That seperating oneself in terms of emotional and physical can totally be gotten over and not only that can become a very useful tool in many ways once its harnessed. It is a protection method after all. We used it to protect ourselves. Its just not useful in terms of those who love us and wouldn't purposely hurt us. It keeps me from internalizing many things and makes a space in my head for thought in situations where I am stuck and need to get out. It takes practice and patience, but I actually have grown to appriciate that it is part of my character and is part of how I have been shaped. Its nothing to be down on myself for, its the total opposite for me now as I have proven to myself and others its worth.

[rolypoly]

Sex is a form of communication for me, not just an activity....

Opening up with that level of trust takes you to a higher plane...

Amen to that! I don't know if it's just me, but connecting with people feeds me. On all levels. Having sex with someone that I feel a very deep connection with can be incredibly overwhelming. The spiritual and physical connection, the silent communication that happens between eyes. I often cry afterwards because it's so intense.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Ilove2men

Redpepper, that's exactly what I want to explore. Connecting with him beforehand and trying to maintain it while being physical and if I lose that connection stop the physical part and reconnect emotionally again. I think it will take a lot of time as well, but I am excited of the possibility of success.

It would be wonderful to be a fly on the wall and see someone else in this vunerable state and witness the outcome. Speaking about all of this has me envisioning this happening to myself and the biggest think I notice is that the vision of it triggers thoughts of vunerability and is this something I will feel safe in. So I see that this will be a very sensitive issue for me to overcome. That will take a lot of trust in myself. I do trust him with my safety. Its my emotional health that I question. Its scary to think of breaking down and releasing that pain while being physical and what he will think of me during this. I have a strong feeling that I may react that way at first because stepping over that line I've drawn all these years and not even knowing it was there could very well be extremely overwhelming.

I think that as we work on our communication skills I will be able to find the words to explain how delicate this will be for me. My biggest fear is my self defense mechanism has always been to lash out and push away when I feel too vunerable which would be damaging for the both of us. So this is something I need to look deeper into before I am ready to try to merge the two.

What he will think, if he truly loves you, is what a beautiful gift I am being given by this incredible woman that I love. I will give her the gift back of my love in the form of patience, compassion, empathy, and a listening ear.

You will teach him a huge lesson if he decides to learn that is. He will learn what damage people can do to one another and how strong the human spirit is to get through it. This is a valuable lesson for all of us and if your intend to build a life together it is huge in terms of raising your children and supporting one another into the future. One day you may need to support him in some way and you will be very willing to do so because he helped you. This is the nature of "depth" in relationships (which I talk about often on here) and is what brings us into adulthood. Getting over our childhood is a huge transition into adulthood if you ask me.

My husband did helped me 12 years ago now when I came out of hiding in the lesbian community for 10 years. I trusted him so much I left the protection of my community for him to help me get over the pain men had inflicted on me (that I allowed to some degree by not standing up for myself and pretending I was okay when I wasn't).

I knew our relationship could be great if I got threw my pain. It is! It taught me not to settle in anything I do in my life. I expect great depth from people and when I don't get it I graciously disappear and realize they aren't for me. Now I am lucky to of found "great" in many people and I am filled with the fullness of it all. Hard to explain really. In a nut shell? I am HAPPY.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Ilove2men

PS. Redpepper, I totally wanted to back out of this post when I saw the turn it was taking as I typed. Its a place I didn't want to return to, but in order to grow I must face it. Not only for myself but the people I care about. I don't want to guard myself from them. I also didn't want to post this because this is a poly board and I didn't really feel that where my post turned was relevant. I am glad I took a breath and clicked post because discussing it and getting feed back is really helping me look deeper, faster than I could do on my own. Thanks everyone really, Thank you.

I was JUST saying to Maca I was glad you posted it becuase it seems SO relevant!!

[Ilove2men]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

I was JUST saying to Maca I was glad you posted it becuase it seems SO relevant!!

Really!? Do you mind telling me how you think its relevant? You see I always think my own issues are irrelevant until someone explains it to me through their eyes.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Ilove2men

Really!? Do you mind telling me how you think its relevant? You see I always think my own issues are irrelevant until someone explains it to me through their eyes.

Sure-polyamory in SO many ways is about improving upon ourselves to make us CAPABLE of TRULY loving other people.
Sure-the POINT of polyamory is different for everyone, but there is a common theme in that we are struggling to MAKE multiple loving relationships FUNCTION and in order to do that we really have to improve ourselves.

Also-when trying to make multiple loving relationships function we more often come up against our own b.s. issues. Being faced more often with them forces us to either get REALLY good at hiding from ourselves, or deal with them.

So here you are facing this very real issue that impacts your LOVING-ness and that is SO pertinent to what we are all doing right now in one way or another in our poly-lives.

[redpepper]

My posts on here have made me weepy...

I just want you all to know that out of all the posts I have posted on these forums, the ones that I have posted on this thread are probably the most significant to me and MY journey.

I know that it is not my place to say that here, but as there is no place to say those kinds of things on here I feel a need to here... sorry Ilove2men, I hope you understand.

I am reminded of the journey I have been on and how I no longer victimize myself any more. I know I am really over something and have become who I am by something when I perceive that others will not think that I am a victim enough to respect my opinion.

Thanks for the reminder of my journey and the reminder that its over now. I fought the demons and won and I no longer have anything to say about it....

You are right LR, very relevant. It made me able to handle all that I do today and to be as strong as I am... that and numerous other things that is

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

My posts on here have made me weepy...

I love you