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Old 07-28-2011, 05:13 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Default Communicating seems to be over

Before I head to bed I need to post this so maybe I have some thing to work with tomorrow. My husband and I do not know how to talk to each other any more. He said he is afraid to talk to me about anything because I can't control when I cry. He is afraid to talk to me and talking to him usually ends up upset and mad. It is ALWAYS the same conversation even if the topic is different. I say something that bothers me and I then hear how it is my fault that it happened or that it is that way. He doesn't know how else to speak to me and I can't explain a better way to speak. Pissed tone of voice and blaming is not communication. I don't feel like I have much of a relationship with him anymore because what is a relationship if you can't talk about real issues. Small talk and what we did seems to be all that can be accomplished anymore. I am heading to be sad that it is getting worse rather than better. I wish I could express how I would rather be talked to but I can't seem to do it. We are both bad about this. I can communicate with everyone else in the world but him. What kind of a decade long marriage is that. Not much of one if you ask me. But I am emotional and tired so I'm heading to bed.
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Old 07-28-2011, 05:52 AM
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I suggest counseling. A counselor can help you guys work through the emotions to reach what really needs to be said in a more effective way. And a lot of times, one person just needs to shut up and listen to what the other has to say, then step back to chew on what was said, and come back later with a clearer head. This is a hard one for me. I always seem to need to get my two cents in right away without any real thought or filter on anything. But, I am getting better about it. Also, writing things out is a great way to get what you're trying to say into a clearer, less threatening manner. And no matter what.....DO NOT RETALIATE WITH WORDS!!! As angry as something may make you, bite that tongue!! Wait until you've thought it through before responding. This may take until the next day or the next week, but make sure you have thought it through first. I've almost wondered if I'd make my tongue bleed sometimes lol. The heat of the moment is not the time to try and get your point across about very sensitive subjects. We all know, it just ends up coming out wrong during those times.

One of my favorite quotes: "Right actions produce right attitudes" Put the right actions into practice (even if you don't feel like doing it) and after a while, the right attitude will come along with it.
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Old 07-28-2011, 01:29 PM
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Counselling is a good idea but you have a lot on your plate at the moment so it may not be possible.

I am a cryer too. It used to drive my ex-husband nuts and so we stopped communicating and the marriage ended. I was determined this was not going to happen in my new (now three year old) relationship. I told Z I cry when discussing hard stuff because I can't help it but he needs to ignore it if he can and focus on what I'm saying rather than the tears. I find if I talk often there is less emotional build-up and so the crying is less.

Tell your husband that you need to be heard and not fixed. The fixing can evolve later. Just start by asking him to listen to you and hold you without commenting.
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Old 07-28-2011, 01:46 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Just holding me might even help. We always go to the bedroom because that is where there is privacy. He lays down with his back to me and I sit there trying to think of what I want to say to make it come out the best way I can. I know he doesn't mean to talk to me the way he does and he swears he hasn't changed in that department, maybe he is right, but it seems like he is distant and and angry. His tone of voice is what makes me cry usually not so much what he says. Then after I cry and he is mad then it is usually what he says. We just can't seem to talk. I have brought up counseling so many times but I don't feel like I am worth the effort to go. So I go and focus on fixing me. I know he loves me but I am so afraid this will eventually end our marriage. It has nothing to do with M or J because we are both really happy with our other relationships. It is us plain and simple and I am scared. I love him so much but when we stopped being able to talk to each other it stopped being a strong couple and just started being here. This may not make any sence but I had to talk to someone. i know I can talk to J about anything but I don't like talking about my marriage because it already takes up so much of our life that I feel like I am neglecting him. I love him so much and I am trying to be fair with my time but it is hard with the three of us living together to find a good balance.
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Old 07-28-2011, 02:45 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Like Openbj and Sage said - counceling will help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
I told Z I cry when discussing hard stuff because I can't help it but he needs to ignore it if he can and focus on what I'm saying rather than the tears. I find if I talk often there is less emotional build-up and so the crying is less.

Tell your husband that you need to be heard and not fixed. The fixing can evolve later. Just start by asking him to listen to you and hold you without commenting.
I too cry anytime there is flood of emotions. What I have learned through our counceling, is that the tears usually come when I feel I'm not being heard or feel like I'm being dismissed. Unless it's PMS week

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Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
I have brought up counseling so many times but I don't feel like I am worth the effort to go.
You don't feel like your the effort so no one goes or he won't go so you don't feel like your worth the effort? For us it took a major crisis and it was a choice between divorce or counceling. I just made an appointment and said "If you want to stay married you will go with me, the appointment is tomorrow at 7pm." That was nearly a year ago and we still are going once a month. It has made a world of difference and well worth it.

Communication takes work and stuff we might have been able to brush aside and ignore early on eventually becomes a big deal. Faceing each other is a big part of that, you can't communicate well if your talking to someones back.
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Old 07-28-2011, 02:48 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Lovin,

I hope this helps................

True 'communication' really is an art form and unfortunately very few of us get much coaching in it growing up.
This COULD be really simple because there's loads of help out there - courses, seminars, self help books etc, that you have access to.
But in order for THAT to work, you BOTH have to acknowledge you are NOT communicating AND have the willingness and desire to fix that.
If you have that the rest is easy !

See if you can have just this conversation with him. This needs to be a "we both suck" kind of conversation not one about who's the worst, at fault etc etc. Just from your writing I think it's obviously a true statement - "we both suck !".

Then see if there's desire to get better at it.

Maybe there isn't...............

That's another thread.

GS
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Old 07-28-2011, 03:06 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Communication is a skill like any other. It has to be learned. Some people are natural at it, but most of us just aren't. And men and women communicate in completely different ways, which makes understanding what's going on or really being said that much harder.

I do agree that counseling is really going to be needed to help you work on communication skills-- it's probably the #1 thing couples counselors do because most of the issues couples have are because of poor communicating, or not understanding what the other person is saying. We can hear the exact same words and not get the same meaning out of them, so it's important to clarify what that person actually MEANS.

There's a woman who's studied all of this and wrote a few books about how people communicate and listen. Her name is Deborah Tannen, and the first book I read was called "You just don't understand" it's about women and men in conversation. Total eye opener. There's another one called "That's not what I meant" which goes deeper into the misunderstandings people have when communicating.

There's also a type of counseling therapy called "Imago" therapy. It's a bit slow, and not my favorite, but what they do is that the couple will sit, looking at each other and one person will say what they need to communicate. The other person will sit for a minute, then repeat back to them what they think they heard. Then the first person will either say, yes that's what I meant, or correct them because that's not what I meant. There's a little more to it, and having a counselor there to catch things helps, but the basic concept can be applied by couples, especially when discussing difficult things.

That way, you sit and think about what you need to really say, and say it, and he tells you what he is hearing. He doesn't REPLY to it right away, he only tells you what he think you meant.

It can also help to clarify types of conversations (I am learning to do this with my hubs). Some examples:

"I am feeling a bit down and need to talk to you. I don't want you to try to fix anything, just listen to me, let me express it and hold me."

"I have some concerns about X. I need to express them to you and know you have heard me and are taking them into consideration. I do NOT need you to agree with my take on the situation, but I do need you to respect my concerns and at least listen to them without blowing them off."

And I, too, can get to crying during conversations and it's usually due to two things: My concerns are not being listened to and just blown off as me being "overworried", "jealous", or "not seeing things correctly", or my husband doesn't want to hear what I'm saying and reacts with that "tone" in his voice-- usually anger or frustration.

I feel your frustration. We have been in a similar place to the point where we just stopped communicating. He is finally just recently realizing that communicating isn't as hard as he thought, that it prevents a lot of problems in the first place, and that it's opening up a world that he didn't know existed.

But I tried for years to get him to understand that... and never succeeded. He finally got there on his own, but I'm not really sure what was the turning point for him. Maybe I'll ask and see... but whatever it was it was inside him, and not something I said to convince him.
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Old 07-28-2011, 03:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
My husband and I do not know how to talk to each other any more. He said he is afraid to talk to me about anything because I can't control when I cry.
Most of us men were (wrongly) taught that crying is utterly unacceptable. It is possible that your own crying reminds your husband of some emotional pain he carries that would cause him to cry if he allowed the dam to break. People with suppressed and repressed pain generally feel uncomfortable about the free expression of feeling which they suppress in themselves. So this may be more about your husband's not crying than about your crying.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
I say something that bothers me and I then hear how it is my fault that it happened or that it is that way.
Ouch! Please, please, sit him down and tell him that this is how it feels to you, that whenever you talk and mention anything that bothers you that he makes it your fault -- and then how that feels to you. Try to woo his empathy, to woo it out of him. Say, "Darling, it would be so good for me if you could just empathize with me on this. How would it feel to you if I said all of the difficult things are YOUR fault?"

He may actually feel that it is all his fault, while being afraid to speak it out loud. He may have some terrible terror that everything's his fault and so he's trying desperately to throw it off onto you because he feels terribly burdened with guilt or shame.

Maybe you can talk and get to a place where fault is not what is at hand, but opportunity, instead. Why not reframe things so that each of you, together, have this opportunity to recognize issues and problems in a welcoming way and to creatively and collaboratively work with them -- for your mutual benefit? It doesn't need to be anybody's fault. It can be a fun game of Let's learn how to be happy together, for both of us!"
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Old 07-28-2011, 06:05 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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I know when I get frustrated it is hard for me not to get defensive. When the conversation(if you can call it that) ends abruptly with, "Yep your right I'm wrong" when I didn't even mean to make it sound that way It hurts. I know it is both of us and we used to be able to talk about anything. I think what hurts the most is that I don't feel like we are best friends any more.

Today I told him that I will miss him when I start working 60+ hours. The response I got was a frowney face and I don't know why you miss me so much all I do is make you upset of mad. Now I'm not sure what would have sounded better to me but that just made me feel like crap. Made me feel guilty when all i was looking for was love.
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Old 07-28-2011, 06:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
Now I'm not sure what would have sounded better to me but that just made me feel like crap. Made me feel guilty when all i was looking for was love.
And that is the moment you tell him, "Saying that just made me feel like crap. I don't need to feel guilty when all I wanted to do is express my love for you."

Why do you so easily give up on yourself?
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