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  #21  
Old 08-02-2011, 06:02 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Hi there, I have read little of what the others have said so I'm sure there will be some repeats in my post. Hopefully that will only add to the opinions that others have given...

I'm sorry you are going through this.

First of all, there is no need for a primary secondary relationship. You can take care of yourself and have as many loves as you have time for and want. That is up to you, not anyone else. This man is not worth much time if you ask me as he has a hell of a lot of work to do to come down from his ego and figure out what part of poly he actually understands and can pull off. He doesn't sound like a man with relationship experience to me and I would question whether or not he is lying to you.

I think if I were in your situation I would back right off, explore what might come out of a relationship with your past love, and others and consider talking to this man you were considering primary if he gives you some kind of heart felt apology and explanation and if he comes at this with the understanding that he does not own you and all he can do is be kind, empathetic, caring, honest, and communicates with love and openness... (have a look at the poly foundations thread by doing a tag search for "foundations" if you want some other ways of being poly successfully). If he does these things then you in turn will likely do the same, which is what you have already done... now that he has thrown shit at the fan, you should back away I think... Why would you want to be near that so quickly, if ever again.

I'm sorry you seemed to of been dupped by this man and all his talk of marriage, love, babies... it sounds like he had no intention of doing those things with you or has no idea what poly is. If he decides to be mono with you then great, but if he is poly then you have every right to be as well. It doesn't work one way. Don't feel guilty, there is nothing to feel guilty about. He should feel guilty!
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  #22  
Old 08-02-2011, 09:45 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hopefully View Post
Should I be alarmed by his response?
In a word, yes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopefully View Post
Or is this something that is commonly experienced the first time that someone allows their primary to consider a secondary?
It does sound like a severe case of green eyed monster. I'm not sure what practical experience or theoretical background or preparation in polyamory your primary might have claimed before hand, but the reaction suggests that it's a first time for him, and it caught him completely unprepared.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopefully View Post
Honestly, this situation would make me say, 'You're crazy!" and walk away ....
Maybe you should trust that part of your gut.

There's a couple things about this overall that concern me. It's great that you are otherwise able to be independent of the bf's financial support. But his focus on the "burden" of supporting you and your daughter, and the "benefits" going to the old flame indicate something about how he might view the role of money and relationships. And possibly how he views you.
I have no idea if it's a conscious impulse for him or not, but I would suggest being very wary.

The second thing is that his response to his own fit is not to own his reaction, insecurities, or lack of preparation. He's not communicating or demonstrating much respect, assuming you're lying. Instead he's trying to exert some sort of control over you...."requiring" you to see the secondary? Really?

One thing about poly is that it can really magnify our traits, positive or negative. And I think this one incident has not only magnified a possible fault, but also put a huge 10,000 candle power search light on it. He'll should be lucky not to get burned like so many unfortunate ants who similarly end up under a magnifying glass.

In the meantime, don't feel guilty. Be relieved you found this out now when all you need to do is not call him again instead of paying for another divorce. Whether you decide to carry on with poly or not, if you are going to entertain any notion of remaining with this fellow, I think you would do well to hold his feet to the flames to get these notions of possessiveness/money focus/control/entitlement out of his system before you put yourself and your child in his house.
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  #23  
Old 08-02-2011, 01:54 PM
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nicothoe nicothoe is offline
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Yes, there are alarm bells ringing, but that doesn't mean there is a fire.

As other people have pointed out, your daughter should never be considered a burden by any one you choose to date. She is an important part of your life, which makes motherhood is an integral part of who you are. Even when she is not there, you are still a mother, ready to drop everything at a moments notice should she need you. Anyone who embraces you, also must embrace the mother.

So what exactly are the "benefits" of a relationship? Romantic dinners for two? Sharing a hot hub together? Sex? I often find myself doing the dishes or taking out the trash at my girlfriend's house.The other girlfriend changed the brakes on my car, and in return, I will be helping her lay some wood flooring. Ahhhh, such sweet benefits! The only true benefit is spending time with a person you love. So when the boyfriend talks about "benefits", remind him the YOU are the benefit.

There is always a danger when defining relationships as primary or secondary as thinking of the secondary partners as less than the primary. Does this make secondaries disposable? That they only exist to provide a bit of extra fun. That should never be the case. Yes, there are primary and secondary relationships, because when it come to having multiple relationships, there is always an inevitable inequality. It not always possible, or sensible, for everyone to live together as one big happy family. So the only way for things to be equal is if both men are secondaries...or primaries. Does the boyfriend want that?

Also, the boyfriend can not require you to see anyone, even if you want to. Polyamory is about choice. Your choice.

What it boils down to is this: your boyfriend is being a brat. Jealousy has sneaked up on him, and every word he utters is a result of it. Does he really mean the things he says? Possibly not. That's what jealousy does! It makes us lash out at the ones we love. He has entered the martyr phase of jealousy! But that doesn't mean you should give up, either on polyamory or on him. These things take time. We all make mistakes, especially when we start something new. Give him time to cool down, become a little more rational. Give him time to think. Then talk. Reassure him.

If everyone broke up after the first hiccup, then none of us would be poly. We all are capable of saying things we regret. Remember, the good people of this forum can only judge your boyfriend on the few paragraphs you wrote. Only you see his full and true character.

Last edited by nicothoe; 08-02-2011 at 02:13 PM.
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  #24  
Old 08-02-2011, 11:47 PM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nicothoe View Post
What it boils down to is this: your boyfriend is being a brat. Jealousy has sneaked up on him, and every word he utters is a result of it. Does he really mean the things he says? Possibly not. That's what jealousy does! It makes us lash out at the ones we love. He has entered the martyr phase of jealousy! But that doesn't mean you should give up, either on polyamory or on him. These things take time. We all make mistakes, especially when we start something new. Give him time to cool down, become a little more rational. Give him time to think. Then talk. Reassure him.

If everyone broke up after the first hiccup, then none of us would be poly. We all are capable of saying things we regret. Remember, the good people of this forum can only judge your boyfriend on the few paragraphs you wrote. Only you see his full and true character.
Good post. While I agree with all the posts that say don't hesitate to move on if this guy is a jerk, it's nice to hear someone remind us that there's strength in sticking with it, giving someone a chance, and relativizing their "bratiness" (I liked that you used the word, "brat) as just a superficial emotional reaction that might not go as deep as you might assume. Of course, it's risky to give someone a(nother) chance, but with strengths and awareness of risks, it is possible.
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  #25  
Old 08-11-2011, 12:10 PM
nuriel34 nuriel34 is offline
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Take what you want and leave the rest.

First of all, your child comes first. make sure your relationship with her is not damaged by your boyfriend's issues.

Second, what he has done is extremely alarming and completely unfair to you.

Third, in my experience, many men bring up polyamory, but really only want another female to join the picture. It may not even be a conscious bias. He may be well-meaning at the time.

Finally, jealousy in these relationships can seem to come out of nowhere and lead to pain. Peolpe like the idea of polyamory, but when actually faced with their partner practicing it without them they lose it. Actually, I'm kind of like that, but would NEVER act like your boyfriend has. I find polyamory for my primary partner easier for me to handle when I am actually involved with it. I have no jealousy if we are all playing together. Just food for thought.

Overall, this guy kind of scares me and I think you should be very careful.
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