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  #11  
Old 08-01-2011, 03:33 AM
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BornEmpathinVirgo BornEmpathinVirgo is offline
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"This could be a mark of someone who knows how to psychologically twist things around to hold power over someone."
Sure would like for you to elaborate on your thoughts about this subject maybe on its own thread Nycindie!

Hopefully, I agree that you should get away from him before he destroys you!
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  #12  
Old 08-01-2011, 04:10 AM
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Satisfiction Satisfiction is offline
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Calling you and your daughter a burden is an awful thing to say. That's what's ringing my alarm bells.
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  #13  
Old 08-01-2011, 04:22 AM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Calling you and your daughter a burden is an awful thing to say. That's what's ringing my alarm bells.
What if he had said "responsibility" instead of "burden?"
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  #14  
Old 08-01-2011, 05:44 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Default Your life is not a burden

Anyone who sees any part of you or your life as a "burden" is not worth his weight in manure.

Right now, you get to enjoy 80% of your time with your boyfriend without children. Well that's all fine and dandy, but what about when you get married, and your daughter will be living with you and your boyfriend 60% of the time?

Polyamory aside, this guy is ringing my alarm bells. You're a mom, and your kids come with the package. It sounds like it's within his means to hire a nanny to raise your kids for you, and he sounds like the kind of guy who would expect you to do that, while you both go off travelling, fine dining, and going to the theatre.

Now, to factor in the polyamory, here's my take: he told you to try dating this other guy as a secondary, but apparently did so without thinking through the consequences. I know some people who specifically only want to be secondaries in relationships, exactly so they won't have to deal with the "burden" that a primary relationship entails. Secondaries do, in a way, get to have their cake and eat it too. Or at least, they get to eat the cake that someone else has (That was always my solution... "You can have the cake, but I get to eat it!") But there's no denying that with that "freedom" comes a huge downside: They don't get to be the most important person in your life, they don't get to come home to you every day, they don't get to be the first person you tell when you get a promotion.

End of the day, I'm child-free by choice, but if I did have kids and I was dating, I wouldn't even consider a 2nd date with someone who didn't enjoy my children's company. He doesn't sound like step-father material!!
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 08-01-2011 at 05:47 AM.
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  #15  
Old 08-01-2011, 02:13 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hopefully,

I had a couple of ideas that you may want to explore. In those early discussions perhaps based on past relationship failures he was building in a safety valve so to speak. He was thinking of himself having an outside relationship not so much you or the impact of you having one. Back then he thought he was intellectually prepared, enlightened enough to pull it off. It looked good on paper ....in a book...on the drawing board ....but now that the project has been launched well other issues have come to light... and he is too proud or stubborn to admit he made a mistake.

In those theoretical discussions maybe in his head that this would be well down the road....some day.... and with a strange new person ....not an old flame. The old flame comes in with a huge wealth of knowledge....perhaps knows more intimate details than he knows at this point.

Unfortunately in my own experience I have made similar statement about primary and secondary. I actually told my wife I really would prefer being the secondary......I started a thread based on that as well. So the idea of being the guy who has to fix everything or the ATM just seemed out of balance.....next time you hear a noise under your car ...let him climb under and fix it....let him take it to the dealer and pay for the repair.

In the right stage of life for a male the secondary role would be perfect...speaking as a male....could be for the other gender just not going to make that assumption. You date and have fun and get to go home have your space and life and not have to deal with the daily grind of coupled relationships.

Good luck D
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  #16  
Old 08-01-2011, 02:41 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I can't believe all the backward, primitive, medieval, chauvinist advice.

Yeah, if you want to fuck up your life and your daughter, marry this man ASAP and have as many babies with him as possible. Maybe he'll fix your car for you one day.
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  #17  
Old 08-01-2011, 03:05 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Wow, did I just give backward, primitive, medieval, chauvinist advice????

I didn't think I a gave any advice ....perhaps topics to discuss with her boyfriend.

If I were to give advice I would most certainly be in lock step with the majority....beat the shit out him and leave him for dead ...that fuck had it coming. See I'm with you Neon
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  #18  
Old 08-01-2011, 03:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I can't believe all the backward, primitive, medieval, chauvinist advice.

Yeah, if you want to fuck up your life and your daughter, marry this man ASAP and have as many babies with him as possible. Maybe he'll fix your car for you one day.
I dont see any backward chauvinist advice? In fact, I don't think being a SAHM for a while is a waste of a graduate degree. Lots of SAHMs do this for a while. They feel drawn to full time motherhood. It's quite common. I've got lots of friends who are into attachment parenting and longterm breastfeeding tho. Some continue their education while raising their kids. Go on to get Masters and Doctorates and become lawyers, professors, or other kinds of professionals once the kids are school age.

Others, like me, go on to homeschool their kids and find it a fulfilling career. "Women's Lib" is about choice, not just about getting a great high paying career.

That said, this new bf did have a very strong reaction to the new/old bf... I hope open communication and boundary setting with all concerned creates something great.

My personal feeling is, being together for just a couple months seems a bit early to be discussing moving in together and having another kid or two. The usual recommendation is to wait at least a year before planning on moving in and getting married and all that. Best to wait til the NRE wears off and you see each others' true colors.
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  #19  
Old 08-01-2011, 04:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I guess the reason i said that is because people are actually giving advice to the OP on "how to make this work" with the boyfriend. It is the boyfriend whom i perceive as "backward primitive medieval chauvinist", not the advice per se. I apologize for not saying what i really meant in the first place.
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  #20  
Old 08-01-2011, 04:39 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I think it's good to work on relationships, it's necessary and constant, though sometimes you need more and sometimes less. However... I think sometimes things come up and people spend so much time trying to figure out "how to make it work", they forget that sometimes those things are flags saying "this is NOT the right relationship for you."

Not that I think that if something comes up you should drop somebody like a hot potato (well, there are instances where you should, but anyway). But in the thinking about the relationship, and how to make it better, I do think that it's healthy to take some stock and see if the relationship (or person) is really the right fit. We all know NRE (infatuation, chemicals, etc.) make us less than discerning sometimes at the beginning of the relationship, so why should it surprise us when things do start to come up here and there and we figure out that this person is not what we need. And why would that be bad?

I'm the first one to admit that I will work on things until it's deader than a doornail. I have in the past until I finally realized i was trying to force a square peg into a round hole and finally moved on. I have done that with my current relationship, though it has been successful thus far in that we have both done the work and learned good communication and are doing well.

As for the OP... I think you should talk to him about the conversation...about what he seems to want, about the use of the word "burden"... and how that felt to you. Maybe he was just frustrated and full of feelings and lashed out, or didn't know how to communicate what was going on. If he can do that now, then you have room to work. But if he can't, or is unwilling to communicate and talk about this kind of stuff-- and isn't willing to work on those skills-- to me that is a big gigantic red flag.
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