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  #11  
Old 07-30-2011, 06:19 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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LHLH, I think these reactions indicate much deeper problems than being caught snooping. I gotta wonder why people sign up for polyamory when they cannot handle their partners having feelings for others.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-30-2011 at 07:48 AM.
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  #12  
Old 07-30-2011, 07:08 AM
pursuitofhappyness pursuitofhappyness is offline
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Thanks everyone for your replies...

I wanted to just respond to a couple of things.

First of all, he has known this woman for 6 years. He has always been attracted to her, and they have always shared a connection.

Second, he completely flew off the handle when I told him that I looked at his messages. He was seeing this woman before I knew they were in a physical relationship again. That to me is cheating, not poly.

Thirdly - yes I do have insecurities, and I know that I have signed up for polyamory which consists of loving others. I am fine with him loving others. What made me angry was that I didn't know they were in a physical relationship when these messages were sent. He was supposed to be at work or hanging out with other people during the dates of these messages.

I'm trying...I just cannot handle being lied to. And I don't deserve it. I'm very supportive and allow him to love whomever he wants.
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  #13  
Old 07-30-2011, 08:01 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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We all just toss out what comes to mind in the spirit of being helpful. You determine what applies, what could be helpful, and what is not.

That being said, it does seem that honest communication is an issue. I think if you keep on expressing your fears, expectations, disappointments, and anger, and encourage him to do the same, something constructive and good should come of it. I wonder why he does not feel safe being truthful. Perhaps he is holding onto some guilt from before and was hiding his actions to avoid confrontation.
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  #14  
Old 07-30-2011, 09:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pursuitofhappyness View Post
I allowed this relationship to happen again. I have no idea why. And now I fear I am going to pay the price of hurt and frustration once again. I am feeling quite foolish.
You ALLOWED. I think there is something you are not getting here. You didn't allow him too, you chose to be with him when he also loves another. I wonder how much you understand what he feels. I guess now you can really work on it all now that you know how deep his love is. That is not something that should be frown upon but celebrated. Love is better of expanding rather than controlled and made to be scarce in our relationship lives. He loves her, but he has realized that his marriage is also as much to love. How he expresses that is different because it is different.

I think if I were in your position I would not ever read his stuff again, give him the benefit of the doubt... maybe she is just needy in terms of hearing that kind of thing... maybe that is her way of feeling loved is to hear it... if it is yours also I suggest you get about telling him that. No need to expect him to know. Ask to be spoken to that way!
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  #15  
Old 07-30-2011, 09:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, I still must dissent. Seems to me this Other Woman puts her h into such a tailspin, he loses all sense of moderation and proportion. He started up a "physical relationship" (fucking?) again with her, without his wife's knowledge or consent?

Quibbling aside over her use of the word "allowed," he is not being open and honest to his primary. That's just a big no-no.

And, once again, she feels:

Quote:
a pulling away and distance.
Seems sketchy to me.
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  #16  
Old 07-30-2011, 10:21 PM
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Well, I posted some suggestions earlier in the thread, but they weren't acknowledged. I think these could help (if I do say so myself), so what does anyone else think:
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
People do change. Relationships do evolve. See what is, not what was. You can't drive a car always looking in the rear-view mirror.

If you feel he is distancing himself, that could be your fears playing on your mind. Or it could be that he is just focusing on his relationship with her and is a bit caught up in NRE. Either way, talk to him about it. Tell him you are afraid to see the same thing happen all over again, and ask that he move more slowly this time.

Also, you said in your other thread that she is a friend. Go out with her, talk with her, develop a relationship with her, so that she doesn't become some big threat looming in your mind.

Find ways to nurture and nourish the romance and love between you and your husband without pointing fingers or claiming ownership.

Take care of you, and look at the part that still hasn't forgiven him for what happened before. This is what I mean by working toward compersion.
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  #17  
Old 07-31-2011, 01:54 PM
aliceloveshatter aliceloveshatter is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
LHLH, I think these reactions indicate much deeper problems than being caught snooping. I gotta wonder why people sign up for polyamory when they cannot handle their partners having feelings for others.
I don't think that's a fair statement; it's one thing saying to your partner "yes, I'm happy for you to be in love with another person", but it's another thing completely for that partner to ignore your feelings because of their own.
It is the responsibilty of anyone in a poly relationship to take into account both partners' feelings, and not just regard the new partner as being owed something. NRE is hard to handle when it's so intense, and especially when you're being asked to take away everything that stands for your relationship with your partner (ie take the kids out of the house) so that they can focus all their time on the new partner.

EDIT: Nycindie, the rest of your advice is really good, I just fel a little spark of objection at that comment sat all on it's own heh. Don't think I'm having a go at you!


Personally, OP, I've been in pretty much the same situation (except his new partner was also my own), but we haven't broken the relationship off. He's still ridiculously sneaky about his messages (although I'd never deliberately "snoop", everyone leaves their facebook open and mistakes can be made, and some of those mistakes have ended with things like "I know we've got a baby together but I just don't love her [me] as much as I love you") and he still acts like I owe them the time together, regardless of my feelings... But things can change.

What we did was... well what I did was keep nagging him about my feelings until he started to see what the problem was. I tried pushing it aside, tried hiding it, tried sugaring it so it wouldn't make him (or her) feel bad, but it didn't work. So I just thought fuck it, why should I be the one suffering when I'm supposed to be a part of this relationship? I hated doing it, because I didn't want to feel so much like I was imposing on him, and like I was in control, because, like some have already said, one partner isn't implicitly in control. But don't have to feel like you have to give up your happiness for his. You have as much right to your comfort, and your boundaries, as he does to his. If it's bothering you the best thing to do is to openly, face to face, in front of them both perhaps, talk about it. Let them know how it feels to be in your position, and let them know before it starts again.

It might not ever be that way again, and I hope sincerely that it isn't, because relationships do grow, but I'd say that you should clear the air and tell your husband exactly how you felt last time, and discuss with him a way to ensure it doesn't happen again.

For me, that was asking Mr.V and Ms.V not to have sex while I'm left with our daughter, asking that if they want some time alone together that I can be considered and asked with some notice so that I can make plans to be with other people, instead of sat on my own in a heap of negative emotions. And for them to consider how it would feel to be the one who's not involved in the intimacy when I am around.
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Last edited by aliceloveshatter; 07-31-2011 at 01:56 PM.
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  #18  
Old 07-31-2011, 02:21 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pursuitofhappyness View Post
I am in a poly marriage. I know I shouldn't have read it, but I opened Facebook to get on my own account, and found that my husband's page was open. His messages were there to read, so I did. I didn't like what I found. I read messages he has been sharing with his gf, and they are so over the top of how much he loves her, and how they have this awesome electricity, and how just thinking about her makes him smile.

These are things he never says to me. I know I shouldn't have read it. It was so stupid of me. But now I can't shake the insecurity I am feeling.

I just want him to treat me with the same respect he gives her.
Hey Pursuit,

First, please, don't take it personally ! I suspect it's quite likely he HAS said such things to you in the past

NRE is such a nasty thing. Passion of ANY type always runs the risk of running over us.

I really do understand your hurt. I've been through this. I think most people in poly lives have - to various degrees. Until you learn to keep perspective on it (if you ever can) I suggest you adopt a DADT policy in regards to his interaction with others. The words/facts in your face are just a bit too much. Don't read his mail. Don't listen to hi conversations.

Eventually, hopefully, you'll get to a place you can smile, even giggle, at how cute it is. Because it WILL pass.............

Hang in there...........

GS
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  #19  
Old 07-31-2011, 02:46 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I guess my gf and I are lucky we were both experienced at poly (her especially, since she has always been poly, but I had experience with it for 10 years before she and I met).

We both know what NRE does to a person. So, somehow, when one of us gets a new hot lover, we manage to keep the NRE in proportion, and still remember how in love with each other we are, and still manage to have lots of intimacy, long philosophical discussions (not just the "did you take out the trash, pick up the groceries" type of convos), cuddling, kissing, creative sex and fun dates.

In fact, somehow, when one of us is in NRE, that passion leaks over to each other as well, enhancing and not reducing our passion for each other.

Gosh, if all newbie polys were just aware of this one thing, the intense, completely overwhelming hormones of NRE/infatuation, we might not even need a board like this!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #20  
Old 07-31-2011, 05:02 PM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
In fact, somehow, when one of us is in NRE, that passion leaks over to each other as well, enhancing and not reducing our passion for each other.

Gosh, if all newbie polys were just aware of this one thing, the intense, completely overwhelming hormones of NRE/infatuation, we might not even need a board like this!
I was aware of this even in a monogamous relationship. Only I couldn't talk about it because it would have created insecurity in my partner. How do people think that monogamous relationships get new energy? How many people can live in social isolation with a single person with no new stimulus and keep the relationship interesting?
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