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Old 10-21-2010, 04:14 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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Default Do you like knowing what your partner likes about their other partner?

I have a desire for my partner to tell me as much as she is willing about what she finds attractive and enjoys about her other boyfriend. I feel that this would help me to accept things for the way they are. I keep wondering and contemplating. I feel like I'm resisting, and that I would stop resisting and accept my place in her life if I knew more.

One other benefit that I think would occur is that if she were to reveal what she enjoys about him it would increase the intimacy between us. I'd like to be treated as a dear friend, and be given the chance to be excited for her as a friend would be. Instead, I feel that she tries to protect me by not telling me what she really thinks. I haven't approached her with this broad question yet. I feel that I've learned over time that this would help me. Nevertheless, she doesn't opt to tell me on her own. So, I feel that she tries to protect me by not telling me what she really thinks.

I know that I would feel some jealousy about the things that she would tell me, but I would like to try to face each issue and find a comfortable place of acceptance after I knew the facts. Well, that's what I would like to try.

Are you interested in knowing more about your partner's feelings for others? Do you agree with my reasoning on this?

Last edited by Vexxed; 10-21-2010 at 04:51 AM. Reason: simplified by deleting sentences
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Old 10-21-2010, 05:58 AM
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sage sage is offline
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Definitely. I need to have a very firm hold on my partner's "love experience" with his SO. The more I know the more comfortable I am. I have to say here that my partner's love insists on celibacy so there is no big sexual experience to share. They cuddle, sun bathe naked and she gives him naked massages but she juggles many male friendships and remains essentially celibate.

Still it is really important that I understand what makes it tick. Initially I even tried to be more like her in the hope that if could give it to him he wouldn't need it elsewhere. Nice try but no score. He is definitely in love with her and nothing I can do will change that. I don't know if I could cope if he tried to protect me from their relationship. As much as it still hurts sometimes I
would rather have that by a million times than have it all secret and kept apart from me.
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Old 10-21-2010, 06:54 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I want to be part of their relationship as much as possible... Yes, I like hearing about J from Ian, what he likes about her, etc. It can be physical, emotional, or an action (he liked when she said/did X...). It makes me feel like I'm part of it, involved, trusted.

I wouldn't go and ask about it, though. I just very much enjoy when Raga just can't help but talk about how wonderful she is I also like talking about my partners with one another so I'm assuming it's also good for him to be able to share.
I'd also like to talk about our common partner with my metamours, if I had any. It's a level of sharing... Being able to talk about how wonderful someone is with a person who feels the exact same way... Share things you love about them... Possibly discover differences in what aspects you like, etc. I'm looking very much forward to it.
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Old 10-21-2010, 11:44 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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I would like to point out that she doesn't keep the relationship totally secret from me. In fact, I live with her other boyfriend as a roommate. I see them for a few minutes when they have a date night.

I'm able to see her and see how into him she is, but she never talks about her attraction to him. She's been with him 2 years, and with me for 1. So, it's not NRE.
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Old 10-21-2010, 01:54 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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No I don't feel the need. I do need to know the whys and hows about my wifes bf at all. Hes a good guy, he treats her well. Thats pretty much where my interest ends. I don't require specificity.

I think needing to know breeds potential jealousy or envy and in turn, the potential for a partner to fudge to protect your feelings.

For the record, this is one area that I prefer discretion. I don't believe either of my relationships should know everything about how we play, date or have fun. My relationship with Superjast gets as much privacy as my relationship with Pengrah, and I expect the same in return. Its our relationship...not everyones. By releasing every detail of whats happening it, to me, cheapens it a bit. Primary or secondary doesn't matter. Anyone getting involved with me would get this and in turn I would expect it.

Last edited by Ariakas; 10-21-2010 at 03:23 PM.
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Old 10-21-2010, 02:28 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post

For the record, this is one area that I prefer discretion. I don't believe either of my relationships should know everything about how we play, date or have fun. My relationship with Superjast gets as much privacy as my relationship with Pengrah, and I expect the same in return. Its our relationship...not everyones. By releasing every detail of whats happening it, to me, cheapens it a bit. Primary or secondary doesn't matter. Anyone getting involved with me would get this and in turn I would expect it.
I am with Ariakas here. Privacy is important, especially to my wife, (who is the hinge in our Vee) At one stage after we scrapped the no-contact rule OHb and I were getting on great as friends, texting each other independently of my wife. But she started feeling that she was losing herself; each of us always knew where she was and what she was doing through the other partner. It drove her crazy. So she reimposed the no contact rule.
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Old 10-21-2010, 03:30 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
I am with Ariakas here. Privacy is important, especially to my wife, (who is the hinge in our Vee) At one stage after we scrapped the no-contact rule OHb and I were getting on great as friends, texting each other independently of my wife. But she started feeling that she was losing herself; each of us always knew where she was and what she was doing through the other partner. It drove her crazy. So she reimposed the no contact rule.
I should say, I didn't mean to imply this ...I enjoy SJ and Pengrah building a friendship for example. It would be hard for me personally, to maintain a relationship with a pure no contact rule.

My point is more about privacy within the intimacy of the relationship itself (whether it be sexual emotional or otherwise). If we can all be friends than fantastic
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Old 10-21-2010, 03:30 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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I think this varies much between the individuals. The relationships and personalities.
For myself, I absolutely want to know as much as possible. Especially the good or exciting parts. I can easily drown in compersion and the excitement can be contagious. Much like your analogy of the best friend etc. But that's the type of relationship my mate and I have. And it fit's both our personalities.

But I think not all relationships are like this. Some people seem to need that something they can claim as 'all theirs'. I understand and respect that. We confront such issues directly. The rule being......if there's something you just need to be sole owner of - just say so. Just say you really are uncomfortable sharing that. And if I hear that - I let it go.
But before you can reach that level - the other person has to experiment with sharing SOME things and have the chance to see that your compersion is indeed real. The more they see this, the more they are likely to share, as there's nothing like both being on the same cloud ! Like both hitting winning scratch tickets.

Start small, with small things, and try to work towards the bigger things. MAybe you'll end up sharing it all like we do - maybe you'll only share certain pieces. Whatever the case, celebrate what you share and RESPECT what you don't - as long as it feels safe for everyone.

My thoughts anyway.........

GS
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Old 10-21-2010, 03:44 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I should say, I didn't mean to imply this ...I enjoy SJ and Pengrah building a friendship for example. It would be hard for me personally, to maintain a relationship with a pure no contact rule.

My point is more about privacy within the intimacy of the relationship itself (whether it be sexual emotional or otherwise). If we can all be friends than fantastic
Hi Ariakas, I did get what you meant, it is the same for us. That's why I quoted you, I didn't mean to sound like I was misinterpreting. And in our vee OHb and I are friends. It was just this one particular week it just got a bit much for my wife, OHb phoned and texted several times every day and didn't seem to mind which one of us he talked to; OHb and I had a sort of breakthrough between ourselves and, I dunno, maybe it was a sort of small NRE effect. And my wife was like: "Hey, where am I in all this, I am supposed to be the important one!"
Everything is cool though. She is very pleased that we are friends. We could so easily have been enemies.

Last edited by vodkafan; 10-21-2010 at 03:50 PM.
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  #10  
Old 10-21-2010, 04:01 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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It`s quite simple for me.

.....Everything in moderation.

Sometimes a partner wants to know more, sometimes they don`t.
Sometimes I want to share more, sometimes I don`t.

It`s important to ebb & flow with the natural mood of the relationship. There was a thread somewhere we talked about seperating your feelings from your SPOUSE as opposed to the same person who may also be your BEST FRIEND. Each side of ourselves, handles things differently. I think it`s important to recognize that, when discussing 'details'.

As GS said,..if you are the partner that doesn`t want to share, you can simply say ' I need to keep that aspect for myself right now.'

If you are a partner that needs to know more, then say it. Don`t pinpoint particular stories, if you can help it. Just ask your sweetie if there is something they CAN feel good sharing openly with you. From there, comfort can get a foothold, and maybe it will get easier and progress.

Give a little. Take a little. Love lots.
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