Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-31-2011, 09:37 PM
abejita abejita is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 7
Unhappy finding this very difficult right now

a few months ago, my boyfriend and i (we are in a poly relationship) began to hook up with two friends of ours that are in a relationship (mono as of right now). one of them decided that that sort of thing wasn't for her, so of course, we cut it off (where's the fun and happiness if one person is not feeling good about it?). the person in the other relationship and i have always had a connection, and those experiences together definitely deepened it.

we have developed serious feelings for each other but have not been able to do anything about it. we have not had the consent of the other person in this relationship that it would be ok if we did so. i have been helping him through this, giving him advice on how to explain things to her, reassure her, get through this as best as we all can. we have been taking baby steps.

over the weekend, he told her he has feelings for me, and she's not taking it well. she has told him that they cannot hang out with us (my bf and i) until the feelings go away (if only it were that easy...) and if he can't make them go away, she has threatened to leave him. i have not been able to talk much to him, and she isn't responding to me. this hurts because i love them both very much. as individuals and as a couple. she is one of my closest friends. i can't help but feel guilty about how threatened and sad she must feel. i know that she needs time. it's only been a few days. i keep trying to tell myself that, but i hate imagining her sad and anxious at home.

this is also my first time i have reached out to someone since my bf and i decided that poly was the best fit for us. and the situation is very messy. i guess i'm searching for some advice on how to talk to her, advice i could give him, whatever comments that may help this situation. or maybe just some reassurance that we have done the right thing because i am finding myself second guessing it. i am afraid that through this i am going to end up losing both, and that would destroy me for a while.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-01-2011, 06:26 PM
Castalia's Avatar
Castalia Castalia is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: PDX
Posts: 177

i can't offer any advice, being still new to poly but i can offer good luck. try and be patient, give it some time (i know easy, right?) and hopefully things will turn out ok.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-01-2011, 10:10 PM
FruitofAmbrosia's Avatar
FruitofAmbrosia FruitofAmbrosia is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 8

As far as advice goes, I think the best one I can give you is a friendly reminder that all things work out in time and those that are meant to be will be, regardless of how much it's being pushed and pulled.

What I can tell you, first hand, is what it feels like for me (in the place of her) in my relationship with my husband and his girlfriend. Initially, I took it horribly. I thought everything from screaming to leaving. Then I became very angry, and I wouldn't talk, at all, to either of them. I felt betrayed, even though I knew deep down nothing was going to end, everything will be fine, etc. I still felt betrayed. There wasn't enough warning, there wasn't enough tact, there wasn't enough time before one thing led to another and the list goes on and on.

Now, I look back at my reaction and while I understand fully why I behaved the way I did, I also realized that nothing could have been done to make it "right" or "easier" with me. It's just my reaction and my coping method. I had to let the fear and anger out before I could clearly and objectively see what I wanted.

It's a work in progress, I find myself repeating. It's going to be alright, you all just have to be very open minded, tolerating, patient and communicate!
Reply With Quote
Old 08-02-2011, 06:08 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

It takes time. Time and patience... good for you not going behind her back. That was the first good step you took if you ask me.... leave them to it and see where they get. This is between them, not you. He knows where he stands with you and now he has to get to a place where she does too and accepts it. That is no easy thing and she will need time.

hopefully your bf is okay with it all?
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 06:24 AM.