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  #11  
Old 07-28-2011, 06:42 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And that is the moment you tell him, "Saying that just made me feel like crap. I don't need to feel guilty when all I wanted to do is express my love for you."

Why do you so easily give up on yourself?
This!

It's not too late. Sounds like he is feeling just as frustrated and no one knows how to fix it.
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  #12  
Old 07-28-2011, 07:23 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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It's easier than fighting and better than making him feel like all he did was upset me again i guess. Did I mention I am just as bad? lol
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  #13  
Old 07-28-2011, 07:59 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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First, like everyone else said, get counseling. A skilled outsider will be able to help you and your husband sort through why you can't listen and talk to each other on important stuff.

Second, from your description, both of of you appear to be very worried about what is going on internally emotionally with the other person. It's gotten to the point where both of you are so wrapped up in what the other person is feeling that you cannot hear what the other person is actually saying. Your personal interpretation of the other person's feelings may or may not be accurate. However, focusing so much on what the other person is feeling, whether in response to you or not, has had the effect that neither of you can actually hear or talk about what is actually going on in your respective heads.
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  #14  
Old 07-28-2011, 09:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh yes, re-read what Opalescent wrote. Very valuable input.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #15  
Old 07-29-2011, 12:20 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Well every time I post on here I say something to upset someone so I am going to take a break from here and deal with my problems on my own. Thank you again for all of your advise. I will take it and use it the best I can and hope things will get better.
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  #16  
Old 07-29-2011, 09:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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So what if they get upset? That's on them! You're not responsible for how they choose to react. You are responsible for your own well-being and emotional health, however. Bottling up all your hurt and feelings of loss will not do anyone any good. There is no good reason to set your own needs aside and defer to others just to appease them by "keeping quiet." They've all got to do some growing up -- it isn't kind or helpful to shut you down every time you try to express yourself. All of you need to talk, talk, and talk some more, if you all want a healthy poly tangle.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #17  
Old 07-29-2011, 02:19 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
So what if they get upset? That's on them! You're not responsible for how they choose to react. You are responsible for your own well-being and emotional health, however. Bottling up all your hurt and feelings of loss will not do anyone any good. There is no good reason to set your own needs aside and defer to others just to appease them by "keeping quiet." They've all got to do some growing up -- it isn't kind or helpful to shut you down every time you try to express yourself. All of you need to talk, talk, and talk some more, if you all want a healthy poly tangle.
I tend to agree. And I'm not sure why you can't be allowed a useful outlet here with experienced people to help you work through some issues and help you see what you need to discuss with the others.

Why do they need to even read what you post? If it's going to bother them to read it, then instead of you not posting, maybe they should not read?
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  #18  
Old 07-29-2011, 02:22 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Ya, we dont know who the hell you all are, you could be behind me in line at the grocery store for all i know.
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  #19  
Old 07-29-2011, 04:34 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Default Explanation for hubbys sake.

They tell me not to give up this site, my only support system. I am backing off for my own sanity because I can not deal with all the drama my feelings cause. Every time I write something it upsets someone. This time it was hubby. He thinks I make him out to be a bad guy. I don’t mean to, he has never been an abusive person and never would be. He was upset about a few things so I feel the need to clarify on a couple of them. He did make more money than I did a couple of months ago and did have to sell his grandpa’s car to help pay the rent. I’m not saying there isn’t an effort there anywhere but to me, and I’m sure this will cause a whole night worth of drama, it is few and far between. Before he got laid off the last time he worked for a month. That month he made more money than me. To the best of my knowledge there has not been a single application filed out or resume sent in to anywhere since then. Since that is going on 2 months now since he got laid off I feel like his kids and I aren’t worth the effort it takes to at least try to get a job. If he still can't get a job then I would be more understanding but when there is just NO effort then what should I feel? He claims to never pass up a job but it feels like he expects the jobs to fall into his lap with little to no effort on his part.
As far as communication goes I obviously suck at it and didn’t mean that I was “perfect and he sucks” Never once did I say or think that I am perfect in any way. I just get really tired of never saying or doing anything right. It isn’t that I think my husband is a monster or anything. I love him so very much and just want all of us to work together to deal with whatever comes up. Hubby and M are more internal people and I understand that I guess. I told hubby last night that I just miss us and how we used to be able to talk about anything but then he informed me that he hasn’t been able to talk to me since shortly after we got married. He said he was too afraid of upsetting me or making me cry. So for 9 years……..what? We haven’t really had the strong wonderful marriage that I thought we had? I was crushed. I felt like our whole marriage was a lie or something. I know it isn’t that dramatic but that is how I felt. After the hurt feelings and resentment that I am sure this will cause tonight I will try to back off from here and maybe just send PM instead. Maybe someone knows of another site that I can go to without anyone knowing under a different name that I can be completely honest without the drama of the fight that follows. I just wanted to make sure that everyone knew I love my husband and I do not think he is a horrible person at all. Just wish ……things were different.
I am also sorry for all of the retarded drama. I feel like I have PMS all damn time now it has just been a roller coaster of emotions and I am about to break. Hubby and M went out last night and I got a night alone with J. I was so relaxed and happy when they got back. Hubby seemed happy till he saw that I was in a great mood after doing everything I could not to cry before he left. I know this is not the case but I feel like he wants me to be sad with J too. He claims he wants me to be happy even if it is J that does that for me but he is still getting over the feeling of betrayal because J was his best friend. So he still gets upset to see me happy with him. I never meant to fall in love with J but he makes me happy. He talks to me about anything, he holds me when I cry and comforts me. I know I couldn’t live without J in my life ever. I need him and he needs me. He isn’t working either and he knows that bothers me because we can talk to each other and hear what the other person is saying. He has left for a few days to go to his parent’s house to try to find a job closer to a bigger city and help his folks out some. I wished him luck and told him how much he means to me then he left. He hated leaving me with things in an upheaval but it has to be done. Me starting a second job really really bothers him. I love the fact that he is as emotional as I am because it is easy to see what is going on with him. I love both of my guys so so very much and can’t wait to get past all of this retarded ass bull crap so we can enjoy our lives together. I worry that hubby wouldn’t be better off just being with M. I would never want to lose him but why in the hell would he wanna stay with someone he hasn’t been able to talk to in 9 years. I just feel so bad that I didn’t even notice that our relationship wasn’t in a good place. I feel stupid now looking back on what I thought was a strong enough relationship to get involved with the poly life style. Had I known beforehand that everything was not how I thought I would have never ever allowed myself to admit my feelings for J. We would have never gotten into this life style. Now it is too late we are both 100% in love with other people and trying to turn our marriage into a stable one. I really wish I would have known that our marriage wasn't what I thought it was. It makes me feel so stupid.

Last edited by lovinhimloviner; 07-29-2011 at 04:47 PM.
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  #20  
Old 07-29-2011, 09:52 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Lovin'

Breathe hon. One more time. Again.

Ok.

*hugs*

I'm so sorry husband's revelation hit you so hard. It's amazing how little we know about people we live with and adore, isn't it? Beloved has said and done things that have just clocked me - shaken my foundation terribly. The fact that your mental picture of your marriage does not match your husband's does not mean that you and he are doomed. In fact, you have a great opportunity.

I can feel the love you have for him, and he for you through the screen. And I never got the sense that you thought it was all 'his' fault or that you weren't responsible too. The walls between you two are crumbling which is very, very painful. But it also means you two can now clear the rubble and build something even greater together.

*hugs* again

So maybe hubs and your OSOs should agree not to read what you write here. This could be your private venting space. I'm glad Beloved is not on this site. It would really hinder what I need to write and think about out loud here. I tell her anyway but I process first. I respect the heck out of the folks that make it work with all their loves on the site.
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