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Old 07-27-2011, 11:53 PM
Jems Jems is offline
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Default So this is my deal, my life, my challenge

I am new here to the forum. I have posted an intro. but here is my story, and my challenges...long post sorry! Feel free to comment.

Hubby and I have been together 16yrs, I have always known I am non-monogamus. But up until 10-12yrs go I didn't realize that there was a word for it other than slut... tramp...cheater...etc
one day on the web I was reading stuf and found Polyamorous and having slight case of hypocondria I thought "Gee I think I have that"
Then I replayed my love life in my head...reliving found memories and painful losses...yes some were casual sex partners and some were lovers with whom I laughed with, lived for and loved, and occassionally some of these realationships would over lap...and it tore me appart "cheating". Back in those days when the "cheating" became emotionally unbarable for me I would break it off with all partners, leaving me lonely and heart broken. The only time I was able to carry on two was once when I had a GF and a BF and the BF thought it was cool cause occassionally the GF would come over and we would all play...ah college days!
So back to 10-12yrs ago...I talked to hubby about this idea and I was honest and told him I have often loved more that one person at a time and its terrible I wish I could just be open about it and allow it to happen where no one gets hurt by lies...being the wonderful man he is he desided to allow me to explore this...but being unsure and not feeling the same way he wanted rules and boundries...were it became a "Swinging" deal he was involved most of the time and as long as it was another couple he felt safe.
it was fun but lacking that emotional component. So a couple that was looking for friends not casual people they could build a relationship with and trust. This was nice, I fell inlove with them both the wife more so. as I got to know the husband I didn't like the way he treated her I felt he mentally and emotionally abused her... eventually my love for her made me stick my nose in where it shouldn't have been...the hubby didn't like that and broke it off...my hubby and her continued to see each other, behind her hubby's back and against my protests, it was cheating her hubby didn't know! I was not having part of it...I know what that can do to a marriage and how hurtful it is even though he was a jerk!
She eventually left him and then her and I and my hubby resumed a relationship...but her and my hubby had more connection at this time. Next thing I knew she had talked my hubby out of my house into hers!
DIRTY B!TCH! I trusted her I loved her I offered to have her become part of my family move in be safe and loved!
Anyway Hubby didn't leave for good he came back...we worked it all out but she was no longer welcome.
This is where I realized he is Mono but enjoys occassional casual sex fun...but when he becomes attached to someone emotionally there can only be one...
Me I have to becareful who I attach to cause I love everyone!
he doesn't understand it but he toloerates my BF I have now. Sometimes its a bone of contention and sometimes he makes things difficult, because he is insecure and jelous even though I work hard at making sure he is primary and always first.
He wants me to have a GF instead of a BF and I would love to have a GF but there has not been one in a while...but his idea of a GF for me is one or him too! COME ON! REALLY? silly man...maybe they don't want to play with you or maybe I don't want to share! LOL
its not that easy...hey I really like you would you be my GF oh BTW I have a hubby can I take you home to play with him too! GEEZ!

So I got husband Emotionally Mono but likes no strings, no emotion play occassionally.
Then there is me Emotionally Poly, have had and do enjoy casual relationships but given any time I LOVE everyone!
Hubby is often tortured by my l"ifestyle choice"...but its mostly all in his head. for instance I go over to watch a movie with BF promissing hubby there will be nothing more and I do not lie about such things..he has his crazy imagination going and by the time I get home the things BF and I have done for the past 3-4hrs is insane! And god if he is going to be crazy about it 'cause he is keeping tabs and needs to make sure he is not getting less, extremely competitive, maybe I should be going wild and crazy swinging from chandeliers and doning the leather and boots with the whip of course!
AHHHH!!! He is crazy sometimes! But I love him and I try to work with and understand he is mono he doesn't get it sometimes...silly guy!

Anyway feel free to comment and thanks for reading!
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  #2  
Old 07-28-2011, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Jems View Post
Hubby is often tortured by my "lifestyle choice"
Doesn't sound like a "lifestyle choice" so much as how you identify. If t were you would of shut it off years ago no?

Sounds like buddy is just going to have to deal. Hopefully it will get better with time. Lots of learning has happened already and it sounds like more to come.
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Old 07-28-2011, 09:40 PM
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Hi

I'm going to apologise in advance because I need to have a little vent and it isn't about you but .....
Sigh...I am continually baffled by how seemingly surprised polyamorous people are that their monogamous partners have ongoing difficulties with polyamory (see the thread "Emergency"). RP wrote "I'm sure she'll be on the upswing in no time". RP I usually agree with you but this thread here is yet another indication that she probably wont. If she does swing up she will probably swing back down again pretty quick.

This for me is the bottom line after being in a pretty successful polymono relationship for three years. Polys and Monos love differently (Jems you realise this in your relationship). Of course you don't expect your mono to become poly but for many of us having a non-monogamous partner is similar to you being forced into monogamy. We don't get to experience the fullness of a monogamous relationship, we only get to experience half of it.

OK that's the big picture. The smaller picture is that your husband seems to be projecting himself into your relationships. This is another common thing we do. It takes a lot of emotional intelligence to be able to realise that we're doing it because it's natural to look at something from the perspective of how we would behave and feel in a the same situation.

If you want your marriage to work you will both have to accept the work involved. I put all my suggestions in the thread "Emergency". Good luck.

Last edited by sage; 07-28-2011 at 09:50 PM. Reason: clarity
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Old 07-29-2011, 02:49 PM
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I said she will likely be on the up swing because she just heard about poly for the first time and is young and I am assuming has limited relationship experience. In my experience the younger generation is poly dating like crazy. Its the new thing. Like bisexuality was in the 90's here. They are not married, don't have a firmly estalised relationship of a number of years and just started their relationship life. There is a chance that she could be further from monogamous into poly than she was trained to be. If mono is all she has known then its possible if she is given some info.

Besides, the young man was fearful. Likely because he has only had limited relationship experience and has not experienced the pain of a partner in distress. Sometimes, and quite often, its temporary before moving ahead to work on stuff. Besides, I found him respectful, considerate, concerned and was not jumping ahead throwing possible partners in her face. He was telling her BEFORE any of that. I thought it was worth giving him some hope and sending the message that HE is okay in this and that he just needs to give it time and see.

Maybe I got their story wrong, maybe it won't come around for them, maybe I am out to lunch; if any of that is the case then that's too bad and I'm sorry, but really, I know a thing or two about monogamous people "not coming around" to poly. I live it every day and especially lived it this week. That doesn't mean it is the case for everyone. People who are new to poly are not necessarily going to react and eventually be adverse to the concept or be in a position to have to deal with poly from their mono perspective.

It sounds like you are hurting right now sage. I feel for you. I know what that looks like and know what it feels like to be on the other side dealing out the cause of that pain, but we are not necessarily like other mono/poly people. I tend to err on the side of everything will work out with communication and work. Maybe that is wishful thinking, I dunno.
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Old 07-29-2011, 03:20 PM
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"He wants me to have a GF instead of a BF and I would love to have a GF but there has not been one in a while...but his idea of a GF for me is one or him too! COME ON! REALLY? silly man...maybe they don't want to play with you or maybe I don't want to share! LOL
its not that easy...hey I really like you would you be my GF oh BTW I have a hubby can I take you home to play with him too! GEEZ!"

You might be lucky and find a nice unicorn who wants to be in a relationship with both of you. Again it's a monogamous thing about not wanting to be left out of something that is so important to you. You already have a bf and I can see that your husband would feel threatened by another relationship that doesn't include him.

@RP Apart from having the flu I'm not actually hurting. I guess I'm just tired and a bit disillusioned. I thought putting three years under my belt and working really hard at it I'd have it sorted but it seems to be something that may always be there between us. As far as this young generation being into poly - I haven't seen much evidence of it. They often have lots of friendships and multiple date but when it comes to serious relationships monogamy still seems to be the deal.

Last edited by sage; 07-29-2011 at 03:22 PM.
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Old 07-29-2011, 05:50 PM
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I thought putting three years under my belt and working really hard at it I'd have it sorted but it seems to be something that may always be there between us.
Yup. I hear ya, sometimes its almost too much for me and I get so angry and resentful. Then I remind myself of what I DO have and talk myself down from the ledge. I'm doing awesome right now. The lack of drama and work in my life is minimal. I needed the rest
Quote:
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As far as this young generation being into poly - I haven't seen much evidence of it. They often have lots of friendships and multiple date but when it comes to serious relationships monogamy still seems to be the deal.
Well there is a large contingent that I see and know of that are trying it ALL on. Who knows where it will go. This is where I believe. That there is a poly lifestyle and a poly identity. The latter makes me think that the default will be monogamy. *shrug* who knows where the OP will end up or what's going on. Not enough info and we likely will never know.
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Old 07-29-2011, 11:07 PM
Jems Jems is offline
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WOW...you folks are awesome. I have not visited in a day or two since the post I guess been busy with wrapping up work so I can go on family vacay...WoooHooo! But took a few mins (before vacay really gets into full swing) to read the responses tonight and again WOW!
Thank you both for your input, and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I really am happy that I have found this place.

Hubby and I have been together for 16yrs in poly /mono relationship for approx the last 10-12yrs for the 4-6 yrs prior we were mono, and for 5yr before that I was married to a man who I left because I fell in love with another. I have an adult child from the first marriage, and teenaged children in this marriage... so I am not all that young or inexperienced in life, relationships, or the trials and tribulations to my life as poly...I did have a relationship way back in my college days with a man and a woman... but back then I am not sure I identified as poly just a free spirited bi-sexual A.K.A Slut.
The first few years trying out poly in this marriage were exploring and trying to figure it out... and being I am poly and he is mono there was and is a lot of figuring out and work to do.
My venting about his silly wishes that I have a GF instead of a BF was me venting because I don't think like him and he doesn't think like me...but knowing deep down as you said he feels left out of my secondary relationship...I feel for him I understand or at least try to understand his insecurities, because he is not wired like me. Therefore he has a hard time truly understanding how I can love more than one, he excepts it and and works with me, and I love him for this. As much as he needs to try to understand me and my needs for a fullfilling life being his partner in life I need to afford him the same respect.
It is alway a work in progress...hubby and my lover (of 6yrs) know each other and we all enjoy going away on concert trips a few times a year and we socialize together other times as well. The boys have both told me it would be ok if we were all "together" someitmes on these little trips away...as long as the guys get it all planned out before for things such as everyone moves to the right and no two guys shall come in contact other than the tag in...LOL boys are sooo silly I think this is why I love them!

Neither of these two men are poly...they do not fully understand the way I think and love...but I love them and they love me and we make it work trying to always be conscious of each others feelings and individual emotional needs.

Hubby wishes for me to have a GF instead of a BF is sort of like saying I wish I had a million dollars, would be nice to have but just because we don't doesn't stop us from living...its a wish and something he thinks would be more comfy make life easier and less threatening oh and the guy fantasy thing about two or more girls is of course there...we play with the cards we have been dealt and do the best we can... all the while loving each other as much as we can every day! Even when we are not happy with each other or the life we live we always need to fall back on our love for eachother and with that trying to understand each other, to get us through tough times.

I think our marriage and life has been successful thus far. We are still together 16 yrs later...and trust me we have worked through some really rough times and will continue to do so as needed.

Again I have to say I am so happy to be here have been feeling a bit lonely for like minded folks to talk to.

Have a great weekend
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Last edited by Jems; 07-29-2011 at 11:20 PM.
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