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Old 07-27-2011, 02:28 AM
1stTime4Everything 1stTime4Everything is offline
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Default We're on the same page but different books....

Well i joined this forum earlier today because lately i have been feeling as tho id like to explore some sort of poly lifestyle...i even wrote in my intro thread that my husband is very supportive, and for the most part he has been....i feel as though im writing this now out of frustration and anger at something i found out he did yet again, but let me take a step back and try to fill you in on our story....i will try not to make it too long...

I have been bi curious for a really long time but suppressed those feelings...it was not until i started hanging with my now husband and one of my close best friends that i started acting upon the curiousity....and it actually was no different than how i normally acted when we all hung out, it was just that i was more aware...i realized i had feelings beyond friendship for this close friend - that i was attracted to her....my now husband n i had talks about my feelings, fantasies of threesomes with her n us, yet my head got in the way...i was still struggling with the thought of my husband being there, being intimate with my close friend as well and i couldnt help but feel insecure about it....i also didnt think my friend felt the same way towards me and i did not want to jeopordize my friendship with her....long story short, there ended up being a night out drinking where our fantasy started to come true....it was fast n blurry but ended shortly with my friend cryung because she couldnt do it....all 3 of us has since then moved past that night, and our friendship is closer than ever ...

Now onto me and my husband - he has been supportive and understanding when im open with him about my bicuriousity....but i fear he doesnt understand my struggle with it....i feel as though he only sees the sexual benefit of me wanting to have a threesome....since the subject came to the table, i have tried to explain to him my reasoning for not wanting the third person to be a personal friend of mine....and the incident with my friend proved my point.....it doesnt help my case however that said friend has lately shown interest in me in return....nothing that would make me believe she would want to act on it, but just that small fact makes my husband think, "well, you say not ur friends but then when ur drunk you act differently"....n maybe he is right, he does have a point, n maybe im being unfair....but it isnt he who is going thru this....its me, n i have a flurry of emotions n desires that im still trying to sort thru n figure out....

But back to me and my husband and my friends....he will text them making plans with them....and ivam the last to know....there was a night where he did this, we had plans already but he decides to go have drinks without me, and invited other of my close friends plus his best friend....and he talked to her about having a threesome...said stuff along the lines of being liquored up etc....when this night happened i felt hurt that he ditched me n left me out of his plans, that he lacked communication with me, his wife...but now, i am hurt and frustrated and angry all over again....with this particular friend, i have expressed over n over again that i do not want her in that way....yet because she has joked bout being ibvolved with him or us, he must think oh we'll just go for drinks n theyll get loose n itll go down? I just hate knowing where his intentions are cuz they r my close friends...and when we talk, he seems genuinely understanding n supportive n i feel like we reach an understandin...but then its like he only focuses on the girl on girl action n looses all respect for what we talked about....

Back to my friend i am attracted to....and maybe ill sound like a hypocrit here....but as i said i do have feelings for her....i have had dreams where we r in a serious relationship with each other but still married to my husband....thoughts of us three living together n being content....i had no idea it was termed triad relationship or polyamory until i found this forum after some research...but i cannot even fathom trying to make this a reality as it wouldnt b fair to my husband if i keep sayin not my friends not my friends n then pursue a driend....

So i have started to ease him into the idea of searching for a girl to build a friendship with together....so that it is a mutual friend n not someone i feel protective over....so that i wont feel jealousy or insecurity because we built a friendship with her together....but im at a lost on how to handle it all as he seems to take initiatives n i fear it is only becuz he wants the threesome before anything else....

What do i do? How do we approach this as a couple? How do i make him understsnd where im coming from? Any advice on any of this would be great...

Thank you in advance.
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  #2  
Old 07-27-2011, 02:47 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1stTime4Everything View Post
But back to me and my husband and my friends....he will text them making plans with them....and ivam the last to know....there was a night where he did this, we had plans already but he decides to go have drinks without me, and invited other of my close friends plus his best friend....and he talked to her about having a threesome...said stuff along the lines of being liquored up etc....when this night happened i felt hurt that he ditched me n left me out of his plans, that he lacked communication with me, his wife...but now, i am hurt and frustrated and angry all over again....
This indicates that the last thing you should be trying to do is find other people for relationships. As long as this sort of stupid shit is happening, your relationship isn't in good enough shape to warrant trying to add others; your husband obviously isn't ready for serious, healthy relationships.

I'll suggest dealing the issues inherent in this particular behavior prior to thinking of adding any other relationships.
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Old 07-27-2011, 03:36 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Two things; find someone you can build a relationship on your own without his involvement and stop adding alcohol to this.

This seems like playful open sexuality rather than poly. Sport sex comes to mind. Maybe go swinging to help him achieve his goal of getting off with women he just wants to fuck with you? No biggy, just that it isn't poly and if you want a serious woman to woman relationship, it sounds like you need to do it alone. Besides, its pretty unlikely to work for the long haul with what you are looking for. Most triads of the nature you describe, that start the way you describe, crash and burn after the NRE sex ends.

The alcohol is bringing inhibitions down but for what? Sex. That can be not only dangerous and damaging, as you have had some experience with and is not poly. Again, open relationship maybe? Sport sex maybe? But as far as the descriptions that poly people usually use for themselves, not poly. I guess poly dating is kinda like this if you toss the word love in there maybe, but ya, not really convinced of that either myself.
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Old 07-27-2011, 04:02 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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There's a lot of immaturity here, it seems to me. I don't think any of you are ready for multiple partners. The drinking, game-playing... it all reminds me of Junior High School! My suggestion would be that you all grow up a bit. Nurture your marriage so that it's strong and you all know how to communicate and support each other. Maybe that would mean therapy, taking relationship workshops, opening your eyes to really see the people you're hanging out with, and looking at the drinking as a possible problem here.

Also think about the fact that lots of women who are bi-curious, or even have crushes on other women, ultimately don't really want to act on those crushes or ever actually pursue their fantasy. I mention that just to caution you. Any kind of exploration should be for yourself and your own healthy exploration of your sexuality, not just for your husband's pleasure.
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Old 07-27-2011, 01:41 PM
1stTime4Everything 1stTime4Everything is offline
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thanks for responses. you all make some valid points...

i reread my post and i agree that this all seems a bit "high school" as well....i'm not sure if the typos had any influence in the sense of immaturity that comes across, but just in case it did, i just want to say that i was a bit flustered and upset last night when i wrote it and i posted it from my phone.....in any case, maybe it is all a bit immature, but i suppose thats more reason for me to have found this forum as an outlet to gain support and insight on how to approach and deal with this in a mature way.....maybe we aren't ready to for a serious healthy relationship with a third person....i can certainly see why.....and i want to work on it.....but i have no doubt in my marriage...every disagreement and problem that arises, we try to work through and it only makes us stronger and closer to each other....

i agree that alcohol needs to stop being involved...the biggest problem is my husband's desire for it to be about sex, and my desire for it to be something a lot bigger than just sex...the suggestion of finding a swinger's club is one that i have brought up to my husband before......and one of you mentioned that what i'm describing isn't poly at all....okay, i can see and understand that....i feel as though its what i want to aim for....and i'm still extremely new to the whole concept so i realize this won't be something that will just happen right away....i realize now it may be years and years down the road before we finally are ready to take that step....

another point was made about women never really pursuing their crushes or fantasies.....this is what i believe is the case with my close friend whom i am attracted to and have feelings for...she has told me she is attracted to me but i know she most likely would never act upon it for whatever reasons she has.....it is another reason that is causing me to struggle with this, for fear that any woman i try to explore with or build a relationship with will not want to in return....i guess that comes with this whole process tho?

but anyways, first and foremost, me and my husband need to be on the same page....and obviously we are not....again, i realize my story seems just about sex but this i think is the problem, as i want more than just sex......it will start with my husband and i talking through this and working on ourselves first before anything else....

thanks again for the responses. it certainly has helped.
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Old 07-27-2011, 02:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Most triads of the nature you describe, that start the way you describe, crash and burn after the NRE sex ends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Any kind of exploration should be for yourself and your own healthy exploration of your sexuality, not just for your husband's pleasure.
These two. Bringing another woman into your bed might feel like a really smart plan that kills two flies with one strike; it feels less like cheating on your husband AND allows you to explore your bicuriosity without having to deal with your own internalized homophobia.

Trust me; it's a shitty plan. When you and your husband are on a healthy-enough ground to start exploring responsible non-monogamy, do it separately. Pursue your own interests and if you decide to take things further with a woman of your OWN choice, do it in an environment where you don't have to face the pressure of someone looking and getting their jollies out of watching you, as if you were performing for them.
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Old 07-27-2011, 02:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1stTime4Everything View Post
...it is another reason that is causing me to struggle with this, for fear that any woman i try to explore with or build a relationship with will not want to in return....i guess that comes with this whole process tho?
There are plenty of genuine lesbian/bisexual poly women out there, you just have to look hard . I often struggle with the same issue - not knowing if a woman is only "bisexual" but actually biamorous also. Try some poly dating sites when you eventually feel ready - people there are usually rather upfront about what they are looking for.

And again, you increase your chances if you seek independent relationships rather than a third. They don't call them unicorns for nothing.
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