Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-26-2011, 03:33 PM
Brat Brat is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Default Maybe I am being selfish!

New here! HI! Been reading the boards for a week or so now, and so happy that I found somewhere to answer questions that i've had for a long time! Thanks!!!

ok... this one might take a long time to explain.

This time last year, (While separated from my hubby) I met an amazing couple who opened my eyes to polyamory (Something I always felt, but never knew had a name!). We dated shortly, and I quickly moved in with them. It was a whirlwind of love and emotion. We all feel quickly in love. After a few weeks, hubby told me that he really wanted to work things out, and asked me to please move home. I wanted him back, and my family together again (We have 2 young children together) so I left the couple and moved home. (We have an even stronger relationship than ever and things are great!) I stayed in contact with the wife, and her and I did see each other a few times after I left (Non sexually... lunch and dinner, shopping with 2 of her children).

Fast forward to now: Hubby and I sat down, and I explained that I feel like I just cannot be in a Mono relationship, and I would like to find a 3rd. (For a V) but hubby is uncomfortable with situation of a V and wants a Triad. I spoke with the husband that I used to date (Who i miss like crazy, and we still get along amazing) and told him that I want to be with them again, however my hubby would want to get to know the wife and see if they hit it off. Then it would turn into a wife swapping of sorts, but where both females would be with each other and each other's hubby's. I am not sure that my hubby would accept that. I am fairly certain that the husband would think it over. I have talked to her briefly about it. And the ideal situation (FOR ME) would be that this works out and i can keep all 3 of these amazing people that I love in my life for an extended period of time. (My kids love those 2 and their 3 kids love me) and I feel like if we all worked at it, and put past hurt behind, that we COULD make it work.

Am I just being selfish for wanting the best of both worlds (My family and theirs) or am I being reasonable in thinking that this could work?? The couple have been living a Poly lifestyle for a few years, and have been swingers before.. but I dont want this to be just a sexual thing. I want to be able to have one big family!

I am excited thinking about it, scared that i could end up hurt, or that they will end up hurt if i come into their life again and have to leave.

thoughts???
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-26-2011, 03:52 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Hi and welcome

What is your hubby's background around you being with other men? Have you guys swung before? My main concern is that he is seeing this on a very surfcae level and caught up in the idea of getting to have sex with another woman. I did this one time years ago...got caught up in the sex side of things which overode other underlying emotions. When those emotions surfaced it almost ended my relationship.

A: he's got to really put himself in the place of knowing you are sleeping with another man and,
B: You've got to hammer in the fact that you want an emotional connection with these people. Let him know your goals now, so he can make an informed decision.

You can't undo things, so move slowly, get him to think beyound his penis (which can temporarily overide everything else in a guys mind) and make sure you are brutally honest in what you want.

Good luck
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-26-2011, 05:00 PM
Brat Brat is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Default

ok... so I told him that I want things to be more than just physical... I want this to be am emotional relationship with the fun being an added bonus.

We have dealt with this before, and he had a deep emotional connection with her, as did I, and she got into a bad place in her life and left. I was crushed, hubby was hurt, but not as badly as I was. He is afraid that I will be the one to get hurt again this time. It's hard to keep walls built up around someone (or multiple people) who you already know you love.

I am definetly all for taking things slow. (Couple lives just over an hour away from us) so this would HAVE to be something more than just fun.

Spoke with wife a bit more, she feels like her life is a mess and doesnt want to drag me back into it. Her and I have shared a spiritual connection unlike anything I have ever felt before. even all these miles apart, I can still sense when she is hurt, upset, happy.. and at first it was a scary thing, now it's something that I enjoy (Even the hurt and upset feelings)

Still need to talk to hubby and her husband and see if this is something that everyone would be ready for.

thanks for not telling me im a crazy, insane, selfish person!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-26-2011, 07:03 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brat View Post
............
Am I just being selfish for wanting the best of both worlds (My family and theirs) or am I being reasonable in thinking that this could work?? The couple have been living a Poly lifestyle for a few years, and have been swingers before.. but I dont want this to be just a sexual thing. I want to be able to have one big family!

I am excited thinking about it, scared that i could end up hurt, or that they will end up hurt if i come into their life again and have to leave.

thoughts???
Hi Brat,

I don't think you are being 'selfish'. But I also think you are letting fantasy block out reality.
Could it work - in some far away fantasy land ? Of course !
Will that happen ? Based only on what you've written - not likely.
Like you' I've lived this fantasy for a short while and there's a piece of me that longs for it forever - not just for myself but for everyone !
But in that fantasy world there are only emotionally stable people, happy people, not stress or burdens, no sickness, etc
That's NOT the world we live in.

Would I indulge myself in this situation again, knowing that it was unlikely to last ?

You bet I would ! Without a thought or reservation !

Because to live that for even a week is confirmation of all it is to be human.

And I want that.

You - will have to decide for yourself if the pleasure is worth the pain.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-26-2011, 11:40 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brat View Post
however my hubby would want to get to know the wife and see if they hit it off. Then it would turn into a wife swapping of sorts, but where both females would be with each other and each other's hubby's. I am not sure that my hubby would accept that. I am fairly certain that the husband would think it over. I have talked to her briefly about it. And the ideal situation (FOR ME) would be that this works out and i can keep all 3 of these amazing people that I love in my life for an extended period of time. (My kids love those 2 and their 3 kids love me) and I feel like if we all worked at it, and put past hurt behind, that we COULD make it work.
Why would you promote this? Why would you promote a triad? I never understand why people start in this area... seriously, if you want a vee, stick with it.... the answer seems clear to me, "no, I would prefer a vee...." Why? Because it is unlikely that you will create a triad out of thin air. They usually create themselves out of friendships and through one person dating the person... and a quad wife swapping thing? Ya, likely not to happen either. The chance of your husband fitting in is pretty remote for the long haul (which it sounds like what you want). Trying to create reality out of fantasy is potentially damaging to the ego and just not realistic I think. I think if I were you I would hold to my guns and keep promoting the vee you want. It might seem useless at this point, but really, if you think about it, its more realistic and possible at this point. Why play into this fantasy he has? Sure he might get off a couple of times during sexy times... but for the long haul? Ya, for what its worth, stick with reality... this is what I have learned and seen anyway...
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 07-26-2011 at 11:47 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:55 PM.