Desperate at Dawn

[Magdlyn]

One more thought, about porn addiction, which I gather you have. Don't you think that people addicted to porn really have a need for deep, loving sexual contact with others, somewhere buried inside, yet are prevented from having multiple partners per our mono culture (or else they have other social issues preventing irl [in real life] sexual contact at all.).

So, your porn addiction is like junk food. You keep returning to it because you are starving for multiple sexual relationships, and it's the only food available. But it's not nourishing, it's just pictures on a screen, and so you are becoming more and more starved, leading to a vicious cycle taking over your whole life. The definition of an addiction explains how it takes you over, to the detriment of getting out and enjoying other things in life, affecting your ability to work, etc. This is a serious problem, and I am glad you came here looking for help.

From here

http://addictions.about.com/od/howad...mptomslist.htm

Symptoms of addiction:

Tolerance - the need to engage in the addictive behavior more and more to get the desired effect

Withdrawal happens when the person does not take the substance or engage in the activity, and they experience unpleasant symptoms, which are often the opposite of the effects of the addictive behavior

Difficulty cutting down or controlling the addictive behavior

Social, occupational or recreational activities becoming more focused around the addiction, and important social and occupational roles being jeopardized

The person becoming preoccupied with the addiction, spending a lot of time on planning, engaging in, and recovering from the addictive behavior

[jackbungee]

Magdlyn you're asking the hard questions. Honesty time I confess I've not thought beyond gratifying my basic lust.

The way I saw it and still see it it's about novelty the Coolidge effect as Sex at Dawn calls it. Men and women instinctively seek novel sex partners as a way of diversifying the gene pool which can become inbred in small tribal groups. That instinct manifests itself as a drive for novelty and I'm assuming one sure way of making any animal unhappy is to deny it a biological drive or instinct.

Humans are intensely social organisms one explanation for our large brains is that we needed to evolve all those neurons to promote language as well as keeping track of intricate social networks. Along with our closest primate cousins the bonobos and chimpanzees humans use sex for social bonding and networking. I am just beginning to understand we live in a culture which minimizes the importance of sex as a widespread social interaction and which compensates by obsessing about sex in every other guise pornography advertising etc.

I'm saying this only to emphasize that the need for sex as a social bonding activity wider than the nuclear pair bond is most likely biologically ingrained in us. Forcing ourselves through monogamy to deny that need will have consequences. I know some of this is contentious I don't want to open a whole can of worms. I guess these are the intellectual justifications I've looked to in trying to understand the strong and unhappy feelings I experience every day. As I've said it feels like hunger.

To try and answer your question Magdlyn then yes I do think I feel a need deep down for intimacy. I'm not sure I'd be the infatuated/obsessed type with a new sex partner it doesn't sound like me. But intimate friendship yes that sounds nice. Even "falling in love" which might be no more that a hormonal high a good and healthy one.

I do feel very close to A and there is so much common understanding between us. So there is at least one person in the world I share a deep intimacy with at some levels. I suspect the problem I have with my hunger for someone else feels huge mostly because it's the one thing I have not been able to open up to her. I don't want to sound pathetic again but her accepting this part of me would be such a blessing it would make our relationship somehow complete. I just don't know how to get the two of us there prayer maybe.

As for pornography it can drain a lot of energy because of sleep deprivation in front of the computer. I don't feel that addicted because I've sometimes gone for months without feeling the need. I sometimes think I deliberately seek it out as a kind of defiance or trying to understand what I am really after. As I said before it makes me disgusted with myself not so much because I think it's a wrong thing to do but because it's something I am forced to hide from A and i hate that. It makes me feel alienated. You're right it is ultimately very unsatisfying and quickly gets boring too.

I can't believe that people could take an interest in my little self absorbed world. Thanks so much for reading this Magdlyn and everyone else on this thread.

River no offense mate I've enjoyed you and nycindie sparring. You have something going on?

[jackbungee]

Magdlyn I replied at length to your last post a few days ago but I don't see anything on the thread. Do you see anything? Do posts sometimes go missing on this site? I sent an email to the moderator but have not had a reply.

[Magdlyn]

Jack, if you click on the "remember me" box when you sign in, you won't lose posts. If you don't click that, you can get timed out (I think it's after just 10 mins, at least it is at other VBull message boards I've been to) when you're composing a lengthy post. Just remember to log out when you're done here, if you need the privacy (shared computer).

I look forward to your reply.

[jackbungee]

Magdlyn you ask the hard questions and it's good. Honesty time. Yes looking inside I think I would enjoy even seek out intimacy. The obsession/infatuation part does not sound like me I don't get like that. Am I contradicting myself? I am desperate to quench the sexual hunger in my life it's true. I have had passing crushes. I'm sure it can feel great to be in love a hormonal high probably. Will that affect my love for A and my family? Who can tell I don't know. Reading the experiences in this forum they seem to go both ways.

What I do notice is I am more capable of love and tenderness when I am emotionally on form. I am especially well when I train a lot in my sport or have good times with my friends. When I'm down I'm usually down because I'm not active enough. If a love affair boosts feelgood hormones wouldn't that make me even more loving in my primary relationship?

You can see I'm trying to predict from what little I know. I have no experience of polyamory. It's probably a lot harder in practice than me dreaming here.

I honestly don't feel there's anything wrong with feeling close to others in addition to my primary partner and deriving emotional sustenance from others. I wouldn't love A any less at least that's what it feels like now. Feeling more complete and understood should help make me a better person. I would be less stressed more relaxed more secure more content. Except if A takes it badly then it would be hell.

Funny how I take A's commitment to me for granted while she doubts mine. It's actually the other way round I know I'll never leave her and she often thinks I will. Strange also it's never about whether she might leave.

As for porn addiction it comes and goes. I'm not sure I fit the addiction profile you mention. I have gone for many months at at time without feeling I need it. When I do go looking for it it sometimes feels as if I'm doing it more out of defiance trying to find out what I need. Like a starving man looking at a picture cookbook. It does not take long to say yup I think I could have some of that. It gets boring after a while.

Again thanks for reading. I still can't believe anyone would take an interest in my self absorbed little world. Yous are amazing.

I enjoyed your teasing River and nycindie. You have something going on?

[nycindie]

About the porn thing, check out http://yourbrainonporn.com/. It's related someohow to another site which has awesome information about how our brains work when sexually aroused. That is here: http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_in_the_brain.

I will respond more personally to your posts, but can't right now as I have to get ready to go out at the moment (and I'm running a diagnostic on my PC as I do that!). Just wanted to give you those links for now.

PS - I loved Auckland when I visited in 1990. When in NZ, I lived most of the time in Manaia, but did spend some good, quality time in Auckland and remember it fondly. I was only visiting Godzone for a couple of months. Still have a pen-pal relationship with a former love that I met in Auckland, but now he's in Whangarei.

[jackbungee]

Bugger now my first lost post turns up and it looks like I duplicated my reply from memory. It must have sat in a moderator's in tray for a few days.

About the porn thing, check out http://yourbrainonporn.com/. It's related someohow to another site which has awesome information about how our brains work when sexually aroused. That is here: http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_in_the_brain.

Thanks for the links nycindie they look very interesting from a quick scan. I'll read them after this. Though I'm not sure porn is my main problem. I mentioned porn in my first post as an example of one of the things I find myself doing instead of having sex and how all those things drain my energy and my life. If porn can make one impotent whoa I'll cut right back.

My sex life with A is great I really can't ask for anything better with anyone else. In fact I don't think I would ever find such long term satisfying sex anywhere else. How do I explain my restlessness? It's not as if I'm in great pain but if the need goes unsatisfied for days and months and years I start feeling desperate. There are so many attractive people women around me every day I can feel the juices flowing. A hungry man inhaling the smell of delicious cooking and forcing himself not to eat any of it. It does not make any kind of sense. Now I know it's not me who's abnormal it's almost unbearable.

I loved Auckland when I visited in 1990. When in NZ, I lived most of the time in Manaia

You lived in Manaia of all places nycindie? It's really small lots of cows. Auckland was pretty quiet in 1990 it's grown up lots since then with shops and restaurants open later and more coffee shops.

[jackbungee]

OK I think this thread has run its course and I'm signing off. Thanks to everyone who listened to my story I very much appreciate your responses.
All the best,
Jack

[opalescent]

Best wishes Jack! Maybe give us an update some day?